Keep your distance: how to teach others to respect your personal boundaries

HealthAdvice from a psychologist

When you receive unsolicited advice and rude comments on social networks, it’s easy to ignore them or add them to your blacklist. What to do if offensive phrases come from loved ones?

Toxic behavior and men in white

Some people seem to know everything better than others: they are always one step ahead, and their ability to work is amazing. And they literally have an answer to everything. Procrastination? - For lazy people! Depression? - For idle people! Are you seeing a psychologist? “You are a weakling because you can’t figure out your problems yourself!” Lost your job? — I should have gotten a job in a normal company.

These are all examples of toxic behavior and gross violation of personal boundaries. Such superhumans are called “white-coated.” The term appeared after a photograph of Valeria Novodvorskaya, which circulated on the Internet, where she stands with a poster: “You are all fools and do not get treatment! I’m the only one who’s smart, standing beautiful in a white coat!”

Factors of psychological distance

Psychological distance depends on parameters such as:

• your openness or closedness to the world;
• your general perception of others, both threatening and benevolent;
• the degree of your trust in others;
• personal attitude towards a specific person, which can be expressed in his respect or disrespect, sympathy or antipathy.

How to properly maintain distance in communication?

What are they doing?

They show aggression and violate personal boundaries

Unsolicited advice, condescension, snobbery is also aggression, just passive. Often these are phrases that are harmless at first glance, veiled as “I’m just trying to help you” or “Mom won’t give bad advice, I know better.” In general, there is an obsessive desire to “do good,” and then it is indicative to be offended that the attempt was not appreciated. Essentially, such people do not care about your feelings and opinions. Their goal is to be right, and the main phrase is “well, I told you so.” If they do good to you sincerely, then you are not required to pay in the form of praise, gratitude and silent consent. Otherwise, it's manipulation.

They judge by themselves and transfer their experience to others

Usually such people start an argument with the phrase: “I don’t understand those who...” The continuation can be anything: from “gives birth at 20” to “vacates in Turkey.” The context is not so important: the main thing for them is to evaluate, condemn and conclude that everyone around (except for them, of course) is complete fools.

They pretend that they understand any topic better than you

This is a deception and the same manipulation in order to look smarter compared to you. Even if the argument is about children that they have not yet acquired, these guys know exactly how to raise them, because: “oh, I read Petranovskaya here...”

They use gaslighting

For example, you reminded your boyfriend of some unpleasant incident, and he begins to convince you that this never happened, it’s your imagination. And now you yourself no longer trust your emotions and memory. Or maybe no one offended you, you just didn’t understand everything correctly? Don't be fooled, this is also manipulation.

Keep Your Distance: How Mental Distance Helps You Make Decisions

It's not easy to deal with emotions when you have to make a difficult decision. And this is a problem because emotions often cause us to make poor decisions in important areas of life - related to relationships, finances or health.

However, by using a few simple self-distancing techniques, you can significantly reduce the impact of your emotions so you can make better decisions.

In this article, you'll learn more about the concept of self-distancing, understand why it's beneficial, and see what you can do to use distancing techniques in different situations.

What is self-distancing

Self-distancing is increasing the distance from your egocentric point of view when evaluating experienced events and emotions.

Thus, a distanced point of view is an external perspective that you can use when thinking about an experienced event when the person analyzing the event is different from the person experiencing it. For example, this is the perspective you use when asking yourself, “Why did you just do that?”

This contrasts with self-absorption, an internal perspective that you can also use when thinking about an experienced event, where the person analyzing it is considered identical to the one who experienced it. Self-absorption is the perspective you take when you ask yourself, “Why did I just do that?”

Examples of self-distancing

“I didn't want to make an emotional decision. I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James and what would make him happy,” is how basketball player LeBron James described his decision to leave his old team.

A good example of how people can use self-distancing comes from a study that examined self-talk, a form of intrapersonal communication that people use when they think (i.e., their internal monologue).

The researchers' starting point was that you can increase distance by using a second-person pronoun (“you”) or your own name (such as “John”) when thinking about yourself, instead of a first-person pronoun (“I”) during self-reflection.

This concept is based on subjective interpretation theory, which suggests that creating psychological distance in one domain can cause psychological distance in other domains, such that increasing a person's psychological distance from a particular event by changing linguistic distance can affect the closeness of the event from an emotional perspective.

Based on this, the researchers asked participants in their experiment to recall two personal experiences, one related to anger and the other to anxiety. There were two groups of participants:

• Participants in the first group were instructed to think about themselves in the first person. This means, for example, that members of this group ask themselves “why do I feel this way?”
• Participants in the second group were asked to think of themselves using second-person pronouns or their name. This means that the members of this group ask themselves “why do you feel this way?” or “why did Jane feel this way?”

The researchers then measured the participants' distance as they recalled their past experiences. They found that simply changing perceptions allowed participants to increase their emotional distance when considering these events.

Essentially, when people referred to themselves in the second person or used their first name, they were able to improve their ability to emotionally detach from a situation. This is important because increasing emotional distance has a number of important benefits, as we will see in the next part.

Benefits of self-distancing

Research has shown that using self-distancing techniques can be beneficial in several ways.

First, as we saw in the example above, self-distancing can help people cope with difficult events from their past. This is consistent with other research that shows that self-distancing reduces the duration of negative emotions and can dampen aggressive thoughts and feelings of anger. In addition, self-distancing also helps people cope with distressing social situations, even if these people are naturally prone to social anxiety.

This is partly due to the fact that self-distancing encourages people to engage in adaptive self-reflection, which allows them to cope with difficult emotions in a positive way. This contrasts with the use of self-absorption, which often leads to maladaptive self-reflection and, for example, obsession with past events.

Another benefit of using self-distancing is related to rational thinking, which is, in particular, the ability to recognize the limits of your knowledge and remember the importance of being able to compromise.

People tend to demonstrate high levels of rational thinking when giving advice to others rather than when deciding how to behave. However, by using self-distancing techniques and asking themselves what advice they would give to a friend if they were in the same situation, they can reduce this asymmetry in their views and apply the same thinking skills to their own dilemmas as they do for those around them. .

Finally, self-distancing reduces decision-making bias in different settings and improves decision-making during times of information overload.

Overall, research shows that using self-distancing practices wisely has many benefits. These include, but are not limited to, an improved ability to cope with negative emotions, stressful situations and make rational decisions.

How to create your own distance

Various techniques can be used to increase psychological distance.

First, as we saw earlier, one can use linguistic distancing by referring to oneself in the second or third person in internal monologue. That is, when you have a difficult decision to make, instead of asking yourself, “Why am I worrying about this?”, you need to ask, “Why are you worrying about this?”

You can also increase your distance by trying to look at the situation from an alternative point of view. For example, if you are in a confrontation with someone, you can try to look at it not only from your own point of view, but also from the other person's point of view or from the point of view of an outside observer.

Also, in some cases, when deciding what to do, you can also try to visualize a role model you admire and then ask yourself what he would do in that situation.

Finally, you can create distance through other methods, such as expressive writing—writing down your thoughts and feelings as you process the event.

Brief summary and conclusions

• Self-distancing involves increasing the psychological distance from your selfish point of view when assessing the events you have experienced.
• Self-distancing allows you to approach emotional situations in a nonjudgmental way, which can help you cope with negative emotions such as stress and anger.
• Self-distancing also helps you make more rational decisions and encourages you to use rational thinking skills when deciding what to do.
• You can create distance by changing the language you use during self-reflection, and in particular by referring to yourself in the second or third person (for example, “what should you do?” or “What should John do?”) instead of using the first person pronoun (e.g. “what should I do?”).
• You can also create distance by viewing events from an outside perspective that is different from yours, such as the point of view of the person you were talking to or an outside observer who observed an interaction in which you participated.

Source

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Why do they do this?

The most important thing to understand is that such behavior does not always have to do with you personally. People often express their complexes and traumas, as well as a lack of empathy. However, it happens that a banal lack of upbringing is to blame. Sometimes “white coats” are driven by a desire to praise themselves and stroke their ego. Another reason is cognitive bias. It seems to them that you yourself are to blame for your mistakes, and that theirs is solely due to universal injustice.

Distance with colleagues: pros and cons

When applying for a job, you probably heard similar phrases: “welcome to our friendly team,” “we are all like one family.” It is interesting that such relations are maintained here, while tea parties and similar events are suppressed abroad. Is distance between colleagues necessary? Let's consider the advantages of a distant relationship:

Achievements of goals. Gatherings of colleagues, offers to drink coffee, or discuss a colleague distract from the main work. If you have a clear goal: to earn the trust of your boss, to move up the career ladder, to receive a bonus, then such familiarity detracts from the result. A person who keeps his distance moves confidently towards his goal. No hard feelings. Yesterday you drank tea together and discussed your colleagues, and today you had to tell your boss that your friend failed the project. After such a situation, grievances will follow, they will begin to weave intrigues against you and spread gossip. This is how the situation develops if you do not keep your distance. Detachment gives the right to an objective and truthful assessment. Although a deservedly accused colleague will be dissatisfied, he will not be indignant. Saving ideas. Many employees are forced to social distance after getting punctured once. Careerists ingratiate themselves with their colleagues, ferret out ideas, and then pass them off to their superiors as their own.

If you don’t want your colleagues to receive bonuses and promotions at your expense, then keep your distance.

What are the disadvantages of distance?

Lack of mutual assistance. If you refuse your colleagues banal requests, then do not expect that your colleagues will rush to your aid. Surviving in the office alone is difficult. It's not always possible to keep things under control. A common cold puts you out for a couple of working days, and there is no one willing to replace you. As a result, you fail the job and receive a reprimand.

Difficulties with communication. It will be difficult for a new employee to join the team if he distances himself from the team. Take an interest in how your co-workers spend their time, what customs and traditions are in the company. A person who has common interests easily joins a team. If you keep your distance from the first days of work, you shouldn’t count on good attitude from your colleagues. Problems with management. Colleagues' loyalty to you helps in difficult situations. You can count on a signal from your colleagues about an unexpected review of management.

A colleague will always help out and cover for an employee with whom he has developed a friendly relationship.

To sum it up, at work it is better to strive for the golden mean. Maintain friendly relations with colleagues, treat them with friendliness, and participate in office events. 10-15 minutes is enough. to congratulate a colleague and give a gift. Strict distancing is necessary if conversations on abstract topics take up all your working time.

Reduce the distance in time - retain the employee

It is important to build human relationships with an employee who has just joined the company. In the first months of work, periodically communicate in person to discuss all the concerns of the newcomer. Try to sincerely ask the person about all current situations, not only at work, but also at home. The employee perceives this with gratitude and becomes more open in work communications. When communicating, convey your readiness to support a newcomer at any time and on any issue.

It is often worth staying in touch by phone, instant messenger, and email. Employees should be explained that there are no stupid questions. Thus, many problems can be resolved in the bud.

Consider the risks when choosing a distance

Reducing or increasing the distance with subordinates can result in negative consequences for the manager.
And this must be taken into account. By bringing in people who know how to please, a manager risks being judged by more productive but less flattering team members. The subordinate thinks that by earning the boss's favor, he will receive privileges. If a manager encourages this behavior, he destroys the motivation of his most valuable employees.

When a manager gets close to people in order to influence their engagement, it is important to know the line that should not be crossed. Otherwise, the boss will not be able to effectively manage employees (signs of a “sharp warming” of relations are in the table below). When the distance is too close, a person may feel unpunished, neglect the plan and fail to complete the task.

Signs of a “sharp warming” of relations with subordinates

Informal relationships between a leader and a subordinate often allow the latter to demand favorable working conditions, more attention and understanding. This violates the management structure of the company. After all, the manager is responsible for the result of the work. There is a risk that information that the boss shared with a subordinate, for example, after a meeting with the general director, will be used against him. And at the most inopportune moment. Especially if the employee is a close friend of the manager.

It should be understood that the other extreme is also harmful - when the leader keeps everyone at arm's length. Such actions destroy all established connections between team members. The team experiences uncertainty and anxiety. The more the distance increases, the faster the work efficiency decreases.

How to change psychological distance

Since psychological distance is dynamic, it can be increased or decreased, depending on your needs and goals.

Changing psychological distance is possible through:

• active listening;
• empathy;
• identifying oneself with another;
• manifestations of your individuality;
• ability to spend time separately;

Photo by Anthony Shkraba from Pexels

• the ability to accept responsibility for another and refuse this type of responsibility;
• the ability to be frank and the ability to trust others;
• the ability to talk about your feelings;
• the ability to say that you need to be alone;
• the ability to be alone with yourself.

Correctly built psychological distance affects the degree of satisfaction with relationships, the ability to constructively resolve conflicts, the depth of personal communication, the unity of values ​​and views, empathy for each other, the ability to listen to each other and accept.