Almost every person has a subconscious desire to keep a certain distance from others. The only differences are in how great this distance is and the red line that delineates personal space. There are times when we don’t want even our closest people to be around us.
Just yesterday you stood in line for vaccination, so much so that you were literally breathing down each other’s necks. And even before that, you were filling out a form at the airport and some overweight lady literally hung over you like a cumulus stratus cloud, wanting to ask something, but you couldn’t restrain yourself and expressed your indignation. If a normal distance had been maintained, this situation simply would not have arisen.
Spatial control
Man is not only a social being, but also a territorial one. Protects both the place of residence and the space around it. It is, according to psychologist Mary Hartley, a kind of protective zone in front of others. When someone comes too close to us, we see only his face in front of us and what he does with his hands or feet completely eludes us. Protecting personal space is partly instinctive - the greater the distance, the stronger the feeling of personal security.
For this reason, we instinctively keep a greater distance from people we do not know. Especially if someone doesn’t inspire confidence in us. We subconsciously want to see that we haven’t missed anything in the stranger’s behavior. Perhaps you have noticed this in yourself and other people: when you are presented with a not very presentable-looking person, you somehow involuntarily retreat from him. And the degree of antipathy determines whether you retreated half a step, a step or even two.
If you are talking with such a person over a meal, then often, without noticing it, you even move your own glass away from you. And this happens due to a reflexive deviation of our body away from the unpleasant subject. Thus, the need to build a protective space around oneself is realized. When you like a person, on the contrary, in some incomprehensible way your glasses move closer to each other, and then you follow them.
Functions of individual space
Privacy is one part of a larger complex of human spatial behavior. Relationships between people are based on spatial behavior - both at the individual, group and intergroup levels: a person, like other animals, builds a space around himself, with the help of which he is separated from other individuals.
Research on this phenomenon in animals began in classical ethology. Classical ethology is the early period of development of ethology, centered on the work of the Austrian zoologist Konrad Lorenz and the Dutch ornithologist Nicholas Tinbergen, who created the doctrine of the instinctive behavior of animals and its development. They focused their research on studying the behavior of animals in their natural habitat as an adaptation to the environment, back in the early twentieth century. And already in the middle of the last century, the American anthropologist Edward Hall was the first to study human spatial behavior. He studied, among other things, the features, functions and meaning of a person’s personal space, which he protects when communicating with another person.
The distance to which a person allows others to approach him is often represented by researchers as an air bubble that constantly changes its volume: a person allows someone closer to him, someone further. What is this personal space for? It has many functions: it is both a limitation of social and physical contacts, and a way to avoid stress during close contact. In general, maintaining individual space allows a person to regulate the quantity and quality of stimuli that people exchange. This is a form of non-verbal communication that regulates the degree of human freedom. Researchers have proposed various models to explain the functions of personal space. So, the equilibrium model This model was proposed in the work of psychologists Michael Argyle and Janet Dean “Eye-contact, distance and connection” (Argyle M., Dean J. Eye-contact, distance and affiliation. Sociometry, Vol. 28, Issue 3. 1965 ). assumes that each person has an optimal level of acceptable intimacy, according to which a person’s personal space is built (including the distance to which he allows other people), and the Evans and Howard model Gary Evans and Roger Howard “Personal Space” ( Evans GW, Howerd RB Personal Space. Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 80 (4), 1973). explains personal space as a mechanism that was formed in the process of evolution to control intraspecific aggression. In the 1960s and 70s, the concept of privacy was formed as selective control of access to oneself: a person, in the process of communication, subconsciously evaluates how open he can be to his interlocutor.
Illustration from the atlas “La Clef des Champs” by Jacques Le Moine de Morgues. 1586 © The Trustees of the British Museum
These important centimeters
This is a known fact - and it can be very clearly observed both in your behavior and in those around you. For one person, a distance of only a few tens of centimeters is enough for comfortable communication. And another needs meters so as not to feel danger and not experience awkwardness in the company of another person.
Psychologists divide personal space, as a rule, into four zones. The intimate zone is closest to the body, followed by the so-called personal zone, then the zone of social interaction and, finally, the most distant zone is called the general zone.
Psychologist Frank Naumann, author of the best-selling book “The Art of Diplomatic Negotiation,” believes that the intimate zone extends to a distance of about sixty centimeters from the body. For some people, a distance of thirty to thirty-five centimeters may be acceptable for communication in a trusting relationship. This, as a rule, is a truly loved one, a child, parents, brothers and sisters, and closest friends. In adulthood, we become less and less likely to enter the intimate zone of our parents, brothers, and sisters. Usually - only a short moment, for example, with a greeting kiss on the cheek.
In everyday communication, however, it is common to be outside our intimate zone. Namely, in the personal zone, which is most often located in the range from sixty to one hundred and twenty centimeters from the body line.
The zone of social interaction lies in the range between one hundred and twenty centimeters and three meters and sixty centimeters. This distance is maintained by people who communicate with each other in society - for example, colleagues, a buyer and a seller, an employee and a visitor to an institution. From three meters and sixty centimeters and above – this is already a common zone. This distance exists between the performers on stage and the audience, or between the lecturer and the audience.
To compensate for distancing, it is necessary to seek continuous eye contact with the interlocutor. And where applicable, use friendly gestures, a smile, and kind words.
In the intimate and personal zone, on the contrary, there is an excess of eye contact. Experienced manipulators and abusers need to be present in these areas to successfully use their skills. Therefore, subconsciously we tend to shy away from the gaze, tilt our heads and retreat a greater distance from our counterpart.
When there's nowhere to run
If someone approaches closer than we would be comfortable with, then we are talking about an invasion of personal space. If there is no way to retreat, then the violation of personal space provokes tension and nervousness. Some people experience anxiety, panic, and some individuals may even react angrily and aggressively. In exceptional cases, physical violence is also possible.
According to Frank Naumann, people who do not have their own intimate and personal space and do not respect someone else’s do not like to communicate with. This is quite logical. Why struggle in vain with stressful situations and waste energy on overcoming them?
Attention, proximity
No matter how paradoxical it may be, personal space is most often violated by the closest people: relatives, friends, loved ones. And we forgive them for this and sometimes even encourage them, for example, during sexual contact.
But the invasion of our intimate zone by strangers - in addition to emotional rejection - also causes physiological changes in the body. The heart begins to beat faster, adrenaline goes off scale, and blood flows into the muscles and brain in a powerful flow. That is, despite our will, the body prepares for a potential fight or flight. Therefore, you should not hug or touch people you don’t know, even if you really like them. These actions can make them feel negative towards you. The conclusion suggests itself: when communicating, you should always keep your distance.
How can we adapt?
(c) unsplash.com
As mentioned above, special cases are crowded vehicles, elevators, queues in stores or big city streets full of people. In these places we meet people whose interactions are definitely not in our intimate zone. However, circumstances force us to stand in close proximity or even touch each other. In this case, we use an inclined gaze and hunched shoulders as a shield.
Frank Naumann says:
“People lower their eyes while driving because a straight line of sight requires contact. They need to protect what's left of their territory. It helps to get through the moment in a crush that the vast majority of us cannot bear.”
In crowded transport and other crowded places, certain rules must be followed to avoid conflicts. We still sometimes need to remember about those around us, and not mindlessly push our elbows. Or interfering with other passengers with a shopping bag or backpack on your back. You can't eat or breathe in each other's faces. People in the crowd also do not tolerate cell phone calls. On hot summer days, conflicts most often arise, both because of stuffiness and because of the protection of personal space and clothing.
What determines the size of the so-called boundaries?
The size of the boundaries depends on the density and size of our biofield. Density in this case has priority.
If the field is dense, then there is good protection; if the field is “broken,” then there is no such protection.
What is protection needed from?
From the energies emitted by another person, from his thoughts charged with negativity, from his experiences.
If there is no protection, then his energy calmly penetrates our field and begins to rule there.
I would like to note one thing: if a person does not have any negative vibrations of his own, then strangers will not be able to have a strong influence.
In this case, “like attracts like” works. If the thinking style is more negative and a person expects troubles in his life, then they come.
Although, as a person himself, it seems that if he thinks about any troubles, it is only for the purpose of prevention.
But the universe takes everything literally - you thought about nasty things - you get nasty things!
But back to boundaries, do you need to somehow increase your boundaries?
In my opinion, it is a must!
Your own self-respect, dignity - all these feelings about yourself increase the boundaries of your own personal space.
People who have less of it will “compress” even more in order to increase the density of their field. This means that your influence on other people will be more significant.
The most important thing is to use it for good!
I look forward to your feedback, what do you think about your own personal space boundaries?
Loner in the city
Neglect of personal space is almost always conscious and purposeful. Often people distort their gradation of zones because each of them has a need to visit the personal space of another person. According to psychologist Mary Hartley, personal space is associated with several different aspects, which then influence how large our zones are.
These aspects include temperament, personality characteristics, gender, age. Next - place of residence: in a city, town, village, single farm. Are we the only child of our parents or do we have a brother or sister. If you're an only child, you're probably a little more protective of your own space than people who grew up with siblings.
This is true even for people living in rural areas, and especially alone. For, if a person is accustomed to solitude, then in a big city he feels extremely uncomfortable among crowds of people.
Rural residents often offer their hand outstretched in order to remain at a greater distance. Urban people tend to greet people with their hand bent at the elbow. Here the distance will be from forty-five to fifty centimeters. The perception of territories also changes with age. Adults are much more sensitive to respect for personal space than young children.
Cholerics have a much greater need for personal space than sanguine people. During a conversation, the latter touch here and there or tilt their heads towards the interlocutor. Introverts, as a rule, avoid touch and anxiously guard their intimate area.
Outside or inside?
Carl Gustav Jung established that psychic energy can be directed either outward (extraversion) or inward (introversion).
An extrovert is a sociable person who likes to be around a lot of people and communicate with them. It is difficult for him to be aloof from events. If some social group does not accept him, he becomes sad and feels left out. An introvert is reserved, keeps his distance, tightly controls his emotions, and does not have too many friends. In social contacts, he gives preference to their quality rather than quantity. Prefers to write and read more than to talk. And also strives to visit calmer and quieter places.
An introvert thinks about an extrovert that he is too nosy and annoying. The extrovert, in turn, considers the introvert cold, patronizing, pompous, or even labels them as ill-wishers. Mutual understanding between them is possible when the extrovert can make sure that when communicating at a distance, the introvert does not have any hostility towards him. At the same time, the introvert may be more relaxed about the fact that the extrovert is gesticulating here and there, and will stop viewing this as an attack on his own intimate area.
(c) Unsplash.com
What to do?
Personal rules
- First of all, write a list of the rules you live by. Then carefully review each point. Are you satisfied with everything? It’s clear, since you live like this, you’re most likely happy with it, but the question is a little different: what exactly causes the feeling of tension, irritation or confusion? Then think about how you can defend yourself by slightly transforming these rules.
- The next time you are communicating with someone and notice that something is wrong, take a break, for example, when you go to the toilet, and think about what exactly affected you, that you reacted with anger, resentment, etc. When you understand, add another limiter to the list of rules.
- Remember the situations when you felt discomfort, write them down and come up with your own stop word for each. Because, in the so-called “field conditions”, when you have not yet particularly learned to defend yourself, you may get confused and not react properly. But when you have a reaction template prepared in advance, then at first it will be much easier to cope with the manipulations of others.
Let's say your family is trying to influence you to do something as they see fit. You can stock up on the following phrase: “Thank you for taking care of me, but I know what I should do.”
Or on weekends, not only don’t do work, but also don’t talk about it with loved ones. Saturday-Sunday are days dedicated to family. After 22:00 do not answer calls. It's time to relax. Then they will stop bothering you over trifles, knowing that the phone is turned off. Do not talk about politics, as it leads to conflicts that you are tired of. In general, is the meaning clear? Thanks to your own rules, you can protect yourself from the unnecessary stress that every intrusion into your space is sure to cause.
Feelings
- Learn to talk about your feelings. First, study what they are, because in fact, there are a lot of them. Then, if you feel discomfort and pressure, talk about it. Then you will be yourself. When you don’t do this, it’s certainly scary. Even if boundaries have always been broken, it is never too late to start building them.
- Even if a loved one asks you for something, and when you agree, you feel tension – this is already a violation of your personal zone. Be attentive to your feelings. The article “The best techniques and phrases for politely refusing a person’s services” will help you learn to protect yourself from manipulation.
Contact zones
- When in public places, try to study your zones, at what distance do you feel comfortable letting different people in? And then you will be able to regulate your state by moving away or approaching intentionally. And next time it will be clearer where anxiety or irritation during communication comes from, and how to cope with it.
- Do not forget that other people also have the right to be separate, and if you want your preferences or prohibitions to be taken into account, you should not react with offense when encountering the restrictions of even a very close person. For example, there is a stereotype that men are strong and can cope with any problems for the sake of the woman they love, even working without rest. But, like any person, the opportunity to relax and recover is vital. And everyone does it in their own way. Some are fishing, some are crocheting, or just looking at the ceiling. Therefore, it is necessary to allow him to “take off his armor” and approach himself in a way that is comfortable for him.
The value of inner peace
To make it easier to defend yourself, imagine that a person covered in dirt is trying to get into your favorite house, car or office, in general, a place you love, saying that he will come in for just a couple of minutes. And you look at it and understand that then it will take a very long time to clean and wash everything after it. What will you do? Most likely, ask to leave, and they will return clean. Right?
You won’t be ashamed to say that dirt drips from it onto your clean floor or rug? Why then do you treat your soul differently? Why do you allow it to get dirty and leave marks that cannot be washed off?
Almost any invasion can be anticipated by taking care of yourself in advance. As I said before, it is stupid to leave the front door open at night and hope that no one dares to trespass on someone else's property.
Don't want to solve work issues in your free time? Do not answer calls if you see that they are dialing from the office. Are you angry that your friends keep waking you up in the middle of the night? Turn off the sound and the problem is solved. No one is obliged to care about your comfort. This is only your responsibility. And if it is violated all the time, think about why you allow it and how exactly.
What about in other countries?
Personal space is an essential element of the cultural code. Martin Lloyd-Elliot, in his book Body Language, points out that Scandinavian peoples and Anglo-Saxons are among the people with the greatest need for personal space. They keep a greater distance from each other than the Spaniards, Italians, Portuguese, Balkan peoples, and residents of the Caucasus. Southern Europeans like to touch each other, shake hands or pat each other on the back during conversation.
Northerners, undoubtedly, have a much more traditional tradition of solitude. In Sweden, for example, it is customary that a village consists of several houses, and only a few kilometers away is another similar one. Residents of Central and Eastern Europe are accustomed to a somewhat reduced personal space - in their understanding, a kind of golden mean. Compared to the inhabitants of Arab countries, however, even the Portuguese are pompous “dandies”. In the Arab world there is almost no private zone. And it doesn’t matter whether you are a relative or a foreigner. Traders constantly touch and grab the hands of a completely unfamiliar buyer, which tourists from other parts of the world, as a rule, do not like.
But the Japanese, although they have a strict upbringing, for them remoteness means mistrust, and they are sensitive to this. Africans, Asians and Latin Americans also have less need for personal space. Don't forget about this when traveling.
