At first I even like it. Some roughness, softened by love, gives him additional brutality and sexuality. But now the candy-bouquet period is over, you have turned into a family, and it turned out that now your husband has begun to be rude much more often and is no longer at all shy in his expressions, even in front of friends. Your admiration was replaced first by indifference, then irritation. Something needs to be done, otherwise it will only get worse.
Now he’s already yelling at you, starting to swear for no reason and joyfully noticing your slightest mistakes. In fact, he also harms himself - after all, negative emotions have never benefited anyone. But your life together turns into the first circle of hell, and what happens can destroy your personality.
Reasons for rude behavior
One of the most common reasons for rude attacks on a person is his underdeveloped psychological strength. Such people are much more likely to become victims of rudeness than strong and self-confident individuals. Boors and rude people have a fairly well-developed instinct and will never get involved with someone who can give them a worthy answer.
If in front of them is a person from a different category, then why not amuse yourself and say something rude to him. Most often, the following types of people are among the offended:
- highly cultured and brought up in old traditions;
- having low self-esteem;
- trying to avoid conflict situations;
- with a high sense of guilt;
- fearful of hurting and offending other people.
In this situation, the reaction to rudeness may be different, but first you should work on your own self-esteem and confidence so as not to be a constant victim of poorly behaved citizens. Finding inner strength will forever get rid of outside aggression, because a strong person cannot be an object of attack.
Read further: 65 phrases to respond to rudeness
Man's personality
The next important reason for psychological violence, which is expressed in insults and abuse, may be the personality of the man himself. If a man is a narcissist, then he is simply unable to take responsibility for others, he is deeply selfish and self-centered.
During the period of courtship and conquest of a woman, he managed to hide this side of his nature. Now, feeling that he has achieved everything, he begins to terrorize the woman with his nagging, his statements that everyone owes him.
Or maybe aggression in the family compensates for failures at work. There he restrains himself, not daring to contradict his superiors and colleagues, but at home he gives vent to all the negative things that have accumulated during the day.
It happens that a woman occupies a higher social position than her husband. Here, insults and abuse are manifestations of elementary envy. He seems to show that, although his wife has achieved success in her career, he is the master of the house and can shout and insult.
How to respond to rudeness with dignity and grace - 10 methods
Calm Method
When confronted with potential offenders, you should never show them your confusion. Express your thoughts clearly and firmly, and do not utter any words in your own justification or defense. The intonation of the voice should be as calm and relaxed as possible, since this is what will most quickly unsettle the boor. With his attacks, he wants to piss off his victim in order to be recharged with a portion of negative energy. There is no need to give a rude person such joy.
For example, in response to the angry words of an irritated conductor about her lack of change for a large bill, you need to calmly ask her again so that she repeats her speech, and then politely but persistently ask her to solve this problem.
Method "Psychological Aikido"
The use of this protective technique is based on the use of the negative energy of a brute against himself. The opponent must agree with critical remarks addressed to him, confusing and bringing mutual communication to the point of absurdity. You can even praise your opponent for timely and useful criticism. Mastering the method requires some practice and breaking existing behavioral patterns.
As an illustrative example, the following dialogue can be given:
Rude: “Where are you going!” Don't you have eyes?! Don’t you see, there’s a queue here!” Opponent: “But I really don’t have eyes, but you are so attentive, you immediately noticed it and pointed out my mistake.” Rude: “We’re all standing, but why are you pushing forward?!” Opponent: “Well, yes, everyone is standing, and I’m climbing, the smartest one has been found here” ... and further in this style.
As a rule, two or three mutual skirmishes are enough to psychologically disorient the enemy. In addition, the people around you can seriously help you, appreciating the absurdity and comicality of the situation. Ham will have to retreat in his intentions, and he is unlikely to continue.
Method "Humor"
Intending to say something bad, a person tenses up and tries to draw air into his respiratory tract. If you try to make him laugh at this time, he will relax and the first outburst of anger will pass. You can also smile and compliment your opponent.
For example, a secretary, entering the director's office, accidentally trips and falls, knocking over cups from a tray. Looking at the chief's angry face, the woman tells him that he is simply stunning, hinting at the reason for the fall. Such a joke causes laughter among those present and a smile from the director, instead of the expected reprimand.
Method "Statement"
In some situations, you can pacify a boor by simply calling him in public for who he really is. In particular, you can say directly: “You are a rude person,” or you can navigate the situation and use your own imagination and fantasy.
For example, you can complain about rudeness addressed in response to your forgetfulness that, unfortunately, pills for rudeness have not yet been invented.
"Sneeze" method
It is an effective response when a boorish monologue threatens to drag on for a long time. If your opponent is getting more and more angry and cannot stop, you need to help him with this. For the time being, listen in silence until the boor imagines himself to be the complete master of the situation. Then sneeze deliberately loudly, and in a moment of calm, say that you have an allergic reaction to various nonsense. Next, politely ask your opponent to continue his speech.
In response to offensive remarks, you can use the following phrases:
"This is all?" "So what?" “Did you by any chance make a mistake?” “Believe me, rudeness does not suit you at all” “Why are you trying to look worse than you really are” “I don’t have time to understand your complexes”, etc.
Another reason for rudeness is people who simply cannot live without it. They consciously chose a similar style of communication with others and feel quite comfortable with it. In response to such behavior patterns, the following techniques will be effective.
Method "Persistent politeness and boundless patience"
The main rule when dealing with a chronic rude person is absolute politeness and tolerance. The main thing is not to lash out in response to boorish antics and not to succumb to provocations, becoming only a follower. We must remember that the main goal of a boor is to provoke a response in his opponent, whereas, without receiving it, he loses the fuel for further actions. A smile and outward goodwill are so unusual for him that they can completely unsettle him.
Such a scenario is completely atypical for a person accustomed to being treated rudely, so a polite opponent has the opportunity to take the situation into his own hands. If the enemy has a serious fixation on the negative, you can also try to communicate politely, but pronounce the words louder than usual. Such an unconventional trick can silence him.
The behavior of the parties can be illustrated using the following example:
Saleswoman: “Woman, how long will you be looking at everything here?! Are you buying or not? Buyer: “Please, show me that blouse over there.” Saleswoman: “As much as possible! Am I here, an errand girl?!” Buyer (politely, but much louder): “Please show me that blouse.”
The Boring Method
It will come in handy for people working as administrators in various Internet projects. It's no secret that some users chronically neglect the established rules, and then bring down all their inadequacy on the administrators. When a person has no reasonable arguments, outright rudeness begins.
Of course, you can simply ban an obstinate user, or you can make a “dry” remark in official language. Soon the belligerent enemy's interest will cool and he will stop letting off steam. In practice, such communication might look like this:
Forum participant: “For what reason did I get banned?! What kind of arbitrariness is this! Do whatever comes into your head!” Forum administrator: “You violated rule No. 2 of the internal regulations, from such and such a date. According to paragraph 3 of this rule, you are entitled to a ban for the next three weeks.” Forum participant: “I didn’t have any violations, these are all your inventions. My photos are the coolest, but you don’t understand anything about it!” Forum administrator: “For offensive statements addressed to the administration, the ban period will be extended for another 10 days.”
Shocking method
To break the stereotypical behavior of a boor, you can try to break his usual pattern by shocking him. To do this, in response to a rude remark, you need to answer something completely irrelevant, thereby confusing the enemy. For example, in response to the seller’s rudeness, you can ask what the score was at yesterday’s football match.
In addition to the methods described above, for a decent response to rude people, you can prepare the following phrases:
“It’s a pity, but you are far from original” “Well, it all started so well” “For some reason I didn’t want to continue our further communication” “It’s a pity that I didn’t hear anything original from you” “Not too witty, but there is something what to strive for” “Assessed the depth of your thinking abilities”, etc.
Another reason for rudeness is the offender’s fear of his opponent. In this situation, he strives to attack first, masking his insecurity, cowardice and envy in front of more successful people. Rudeness, in this case, serves only as a kind of disguise and cover.
Method “Taking care of the hedgehog”
Mentally imagine a hedgehog that has prickly spines, but at the same time is just a small, frightened animal. Make an association with your offender, taking a condescending and patronizing position towards him. In addition, the above-described “Calmness” and “Psychological Aikido” methods are well suited in this situation. Additional phrases you can use include:
“You will definitely succeed” “What else is on your mind?” “Do you want to offend me? What for?" “Rudeness suits no one, least of all you.” “Thank you for your close attention to my person,” etc.
Method "Ignore"
This method of psychological defense is universal for all causes of external aggression. Sometimes silence really is golden. This especially applies to those situations when you have no need to communicate with the offender, or you feel that you are not emotionally ready to fight with him, as well as in cases where there is a clearly mentally unhealthy person in front of you.
Ignoring is very effective against any type of rudeness, if done correctly. In particular, you don’t need to show any emotions so that the offender doesn’t suddenly think that you are silently swallowing the insult, and he will become more and more angry. Everything should look as if there was an empty space in front of you, and you, such a successful and lucky person, have absolutely no time to pay attention to all sorts of annoying obstacles and little things.
Read further: 65 phrases to respond to rudeness
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His feelings
First of all, it is necessary to analyze the reasons for this behavior of the husband. This is not always a bad character, which did not manifest itself during falling in love. Maybe there is a crisis in the relationship. Love left, killed by everyday troubles and material problems.
During everyday communication, character traits emerged that were invisible during the courtship period. It happens that a woman herself provoked a disrespectful attitude towards herself. When she was a bride, she always came to dates well-groomed and tried to show her interest in the life of her future husband.
And now, especially during maternity leave, she has stopped taking care of herself, is constantly dissatisfied, does not pay any attention to her husband, and besides, she has gained weight and has lost her external attractiveness.
What is not recommended to do
What not to do during a quarrel with your spouse:
- respond to aggression with aggression (insults, physical force);
- provoke (behave badly in order to justify the characteristics that are heaped on you);
- to leave or withdraw into oneself without understanding the situation;
- be silent and endure;
- discuss the problem with anyone, but not with your husband.
If there are children in the family, then it is unacceptable to sort things out in front of them.
If they are rude at work
Remember to behave according to your position. Don't raise your voice when talking to your boss. Do not violate the principles of business ethics, be polite. Think about what you want to get in the end, and then use psychological techniques.
Boss
Are you being bullied by your boss? Do not try to express your complaints openly, as you can easily lose your job. Try to understand what motivates the boss when he behaves incorrectly. Perhaps the boss is simply not competent enough. If your boss is a tyrant who has treated his subordinates with disdain all his life, you should not enter into open confrontation with him, the risk of causing problems is too great.
Think maybe the problem is you? Sometimes a boss is too strict because an employee is not doing his job very well.
Colleagues
If your strengths are equal, you can try to negotiate with the offender. But you shouldn’t immediately get into an argument with a boor. Remember that you will have to maintain communication with your colleague, because you are in the same team. You may even have to work on a joint project, then dialogue is inevitable. If other employees may suffer because of your conflict, it is better to refuse to defend your position. Having received a reprimand because of you, your colleagues will not figure out whether you did the right thing. They will simply begin to treat all parties to the dispute with disdain.
Subordinates
When a subordinate begins to insult his boss, things take a dangerous turn. Do not tolerate rudeness from an employee, otherwise you will lose the authority and respect of other employees of the company. But you shouldn’t answer sharply either; colleagues won’t take a rude boss seriously. Be tactful but strict. Follow business ethics.
Can humiliation be explained?
It can be explained, but it is not worth justifying. We have already examined the main reasons why a husband insults and humiliates his wife. Think about what could be the basis in your case. After this, you need to work with your spouse on the cause, and not accept it as the norm. For example, if you understand that the issue is a childhood trauma, then you cannot feel sorry for your spouse and endure humiliation, you need to work through the trauma.
If a husband lashes out at his wife out of anger at his boss, then again, you cannot feel sorry for your spouse and sacrifice yourself, but you can understand, support and help solve this problem: develop a new strategy for behavior in relations with your boss, set personal boundaries, increase your husband’s self-esteem, change jobs, etc.
Important! You cannot tolerate humiliation and insults from your husband. Either find the reason and solve the problem, or leave this relationship - there is no other option.
