Without a doubt, there is a special taste in anticipation, but real changes are much more desirable, since they deprive our lives of the dull monotony in the style of “Groundhog Day”. The easiest way is to change your surroundings: city, work, home, car, wardrobe. Changing a partner, which has become a simple undertaking in our cosmopolitan age, can also add color to everyday life. Updating one's appearance is the most exciting method, the interest in which is being successfully stimulated by the huge industry of beauty transformations. However, according to popular opinion, when you get carried away by the whirlpool of changes, you risk losing your taste for them. Therefore, before you move to another country, leaving your job and a nice home, you should think about this: maybe you need to change yourself first?
This, by the way, is a fundamental question that has been discussed by psychologists for centuries: “Can you become happier by changing your own personality?” Scientists suggest a hidden resource for actionable change between accepting who you are and striving for who you want to be. After talking with specialists, I concluded that many of them tend to consider rigid stability rather than a desire for change to be a pathology. In other words, in order to develop, you need to permanently change something in yourself: you can first outside, and then inside - and vice versa. The main thing that hinders us on this blessed path is the fear of surprise and loss of ourselves. Because the new “me” may not be the one you want. A new identity is a pig in a poke, and we love guarantees. It turns out that objective awareness of personal shortcomings and internal consent to change oneself is half the battle. The second point is to clearly imagine what we want to achieve. And when the answer is received, it’s time to look for a method.
What is personality?
Personality is a set of psychological traits that include all or most of our emotions and perceptions. It is a structure that shapes your behavior and how you interact with others and yourself.
Personality is also your self-esteem and the image you present to the world. In this sense, personality is like a mask that you show to everyone else. It is a kind of strategy that you use to hide certain things about yourself in order to gain social acceptance.
In fact, the word "man" comes from the Latin word "persona", which means an actor's mask. Actors in ancient times used masks to be able to portray multiple characters in one play.
Is it unnatural to change for the better?
Once I ran into such an objection. “Like, yes, you can change yourself, but why do it? Isn't this unnatural? You are who you are, why show violence against a person?” I asked counter questions: “Well, what do you think shaped your personality, what factors influenced its formation? Why are you the way you are now? It must be due to upbringing, parents, social circle and some innate parameters (heredity, natural predispositions, etc.).
Basically, all these factors are random, those that you could not influence. After all, parents are not chosen and social circles are not always chosen either. Not to mention heredity and genes. It turns out that you consider the development of you as a person under the influence of external, arbitrary factors that do not greatly depend on your will to be natural.
And attempts to consciously influence your character and habits, based on an understanding of who you want to become and the formation of what qualities in you meet your goals - does this mean unnatural? To be led by external circumstances, attributing everything to chance...
What is so right and natural about this? And why is conscious work on oneself, changing oneself for the better in order to achieve happiness and harmony perceived as violence against oneself?”
On the contrary, by independently determining the vector of your own development, you bring the order into your life that you yourself desire and do not allow external circumstances to completely decide what you will be like. This brings you closer to the implementation of your life plan, to satisfaction with yourself, your life and your environment, which you choose yourself, and are not content with what external circumstances have imposed on you.
Regarding the question “why change yourself?” I answer this question, perhaps, in most of my articles, both explicitly and implicitly. I will answer again. Self-development is a dynamic process of continuous improvement of all the best human qualities.
When you need to change your personality
As we mentioned above, age can make change more difficult because your personality is more deeply ingrained. But that doesn't mean you can't make some changes as an adult.
We've all heard people say things like "I am who I am" or "I'm too old to change." In some cases this is partially true, but each of us can change our personality if we put in the effort.
Making changes like this is actually a therapeutic necessity for people with personality disorders. These are people who have a number of behavioral patterns and psychological mechanisms that create serious problems for themselves or for others.
- How marriage changes your personality
These problems typically lead to distress, anxiety, aggression, loss of self-control, and frustration, among other things. Personality disorders also affect their relationships with other people and can make it difficult for them to integrate into society, ultimately leading them to become isolated and lonely.
The value of fighting yourself
So I will insist that the reader of these lines, instead of ruining himself by believing in the immutability of his personality, still takes it and tries to work on himself and change. Even if he fails to become what he wants, his efforts will still be rewarded. Because struggling and trying to cope with the internal resistance that will definitely arise along the way if you want to change yourself always pays off!
By acting in spite of resistance, against your weaknesses and ingrained habits, you train your will and strengthen your character. The degree of control over your feelings increases and a sober understanding of what is happening inside you and what guides you comes!
And exactly the opposite. An individual who is accustomed to viewing himself as a set of unchangeable characteristics, habits, shortcomings and pathologies is always led by his character and weaknesses. He remains as he is.
His will is not tempered in the fight against feelings; he is controlled by his Ego, fears and complexes. Every day he capitulates to them: his will weakens, and his true essence begins to fade behind the abundance of shortcomings and habits.
Internal struggle and resistance and their value are the core of my system of self-development and self-improvement. The value of these things is not only of an instrumental nature (i.e., not necessarily only a means to achieve a certain goal: fighting complexes in order to defeat them), but also carry enormous value in themselves. I will write about this more than once in more detail.
You can change your personality, but it's not that easy
Correcting and replacing your behavioral patterns with others requires a lot of resources, including motivation and time.
You also have to remember that these patterns are formed by repeating the same behavior in similar situations. For example, some people have behavioral patterns that involve running away from situations.
These people either try to prevent a situation from happening in the first place, or run away if they failed to predict it. They find it difficult to stop, even if they know it will hurt them.
In the short term, they avoid pain and suffering by running away from their problems. But this behavior can lead to more serious problems in the future, and they may even feel unable to lead a normal life.
The truth is near
Every year, the world's population spends billions on stress management programs, books, CDs, seminars, and self-improvement coaching to become more social, effective, and compassionate versions of themselves. These publications and events are based on the fact that personality can be changed and changes should only be positive: you must certainly become better, healthier and happier. But can changing your personality really make you happier?
Research has found that any positive changes in a person are associated with an increase in his satisfaction with life, while an increase in nervousness provokes a movement in the opposite direction. In other words, we change for the better when we are happy, and for the worse when we have a regular reason for negative emotions. If we notice that the grumpy person in the office next door has become more pleasant in character, we can safely assume that life is now more enjoyable for him than before. An environment that promotes well-being (such as a rewarding, well-paid job) can motivate us to become even better—even though sometimes it may seem impossible.
Developing the topic, Australian psychologist Christopher Soto determined: character traits influence the achievement of satisfaction from life more significantly than contentment is involved in changing personality traits. This finding reinforces the theory about the power of thoughts, emotions and behavior to drive happiness. In general, research shows that individuals with a set of positive qualities (kind, assertive, hardworking, calm, creative, etc.) have an impressive talent for attracting their own happiness - to the envy of others. But no matter how much the desire to get to a blissful state as soon as possible beckons us, there is a fine line: psychologists advise not to overdo it with personality changes for the better. Too many changes promise uncomfortable feelings that are not easy to get used to. Moderate personality change is the best option for finding happiness.
Confidence in achieving the goal is another important factor. Just the realization that we are capable of change evokes a whole bunch of positive emotions. It's good to accept and love yourself as you are, but it's even better to know that you can become happier if you dare to do so.
Having studied the whole picture and tried several standard trainings on yourself, it’s still worth moving to the next level - finding an individual approach to your loved one. As I already mentioned, on the path to personal well-being, a person needs to analyze and realize his usual course of thoughts, emotions and behavior and work to improve those aspects that interfere with the achievement of happiness, at the same time, without changing too dramatically, without breaking himself. American psychiatrist Brian Little argues that ideally each of us should focus on developing personal talents, true, deep values and goals - on what gives an individual's life true meaning, forming the core of personality. This is much more important than awareness and perception on a general level. Successful self-identification can orient the unique and inimitable personality that we already represent towards positive changes. And what could be more inspiring than a guaranteed potential for happiness?
PS I am writing this article while sitting in a student dormitory in the New Zealand city of Auckland. I’m over forty, according to my horoscope I’m a slow-moving Taurus, in fact I’m a big fan of comfort. At some point, I realized that books and seminars are not enough, it’s time to gain courage to learn new things, exploring the world not from a distance, but in direct contact. And do you know what is the most difficult thing for me personally and what I give in to, grinding and howling? Smile at others without strain and stop being burdened by theoretical problems. It might be worth taking a special course in Moscow, but I really hope to learn this in real time.
You can change your personality by throwing out old psychological mechanisms
Changing your personality usually involves uprooting certain mechanisms and replacing them with healthier patterns over time.
You will have to face your problems head-on. This will make you feel like you are truly capable of overcoming difficult situations. It also boosts your confidence. This process helps you learn to face challenges and realize that they have the power to guide your personal growth.
It's also worth remembering that it's easier to change your personality by focusing on specific goals. So this can be a huge help to figure out exactly what you want to change or what will change (specific details).
Also read these articles about personality:
- 7 Personality Traits That Will Make You Invulnerable
- 8 Physical Qualities That Reveal Your Personality
- 5 Truths You Must Learn to Start Your Personal Growth
How to start changes
Set a goal
How to force yourself to study - motivation to study, how to force a child
to know where to go
Once the mission is thought out, defining the goal will be much easier. There is no need to select many options, otherwise the brain will not be able to focus on any one. The goal must meet certain requirements:
- correspond to personal desires (not mother, not husband/wife);
- must be achievable;
- in a written form;
- interesting;
- clear, you can set yourself a framework of 90 days and plan based on them.
Creating a visual model (a poster or collage “I can do it!”) will help you believe in yourself.
Determine character qualities
If a girl wants to get married, she needs to learn to be feminine, charming, and love herself and those around her. When a man strives to freak out less, he will have to cultivate patience, the ability to accept the situation and willpower. If a woman plans to build a career, she needs responsibility, intelligence, determination and communication skills.
Important! It is necessary to write down character qualities that will help achieve the goal.
