Imagine that the doors to your apartment are wide open. What will happen? Complete strangers will start coming to your home, breaking dishes, bringing in dirt, and dirtying furniture. It is unlikely that you will be comfortable with this state of affairs. But the same thing happens with feelings and emotions when all and sundry invade your life. In this article we will talk about a person’s personal boundaries: what they are in psychology and how to build them yourself.
What is it and why is it needed
The concept is conditional. It denotes an invisible line between a person’s worldview and the intentions of others. We need it to create a clear understanding that there is “I” and “others,” our sensations and others.
Some build a tall stone wall. And for the latter, such protection is completely absent, which negatively affects their sense of self and morale.
Do you know how to protect your inner peace? Let's take the test:
- I try to please my acquaintances, colleagues, friends, and family through my actions.
- I don’t make decisions on my own, but rely on other people’s opinions.
- I say “Yes” even if I want to refuse.
- Friends talk about their own lives, I’m not interested, but I listen.
Is all this normal for you? I will disappoint you: your personal boundaries are being seriously and grossly violated. But don’t be alarmed: during consultations I will help you cope with the problem.
Let's think: why is invasion bad for you? This negatively affects mental balance. A person begins to experience discomfort, becomes depressed, or notices a bad mood every day. And the feeling of fatigue becomes his best friend.
After all, a colossal amount of energy is spent on maintaining good relationships with others. You allow yourself to be manipulated. And, although you don’t like it, don’t speak out against it.
There is a misconception that such situations arise due to a bad environment. After all, a close friend will not use you for personal gain. But this is a deep misconception. Individual space belongs only to you, and you need to learn how to create and protect it.
Why do we allow personal boundaries to be violated?
Let us highlight an important point: people are not born with a sense of individual space. They shape it throughout their lives. But the beginning of the process begins in childhood.
Many parents with the best intentions limit their children. So they try to protect them from harm, but at the same time they do not allow them to live independently. This becomes the main reason for violating the invisible “line” after growing up.
Growing up, we do not obey mom and dad in everything. But at the same time we spit on our own desires and thoughts, just so as not to offend our relatives. There are also those who feel indebted to them for raising them and putting them on their feet. The family does not wish us harm, but at the same time it attacks the boundaries, which is not good.
You can understand why we try for the sake of our loved ones. But how to explain the attitude towards strangers? Psychologists attribute this to the fear of loneliness. After all, many fear that by refusing a person, we will anger him and lose his love.
The essence of the concept
Why does a person sometimes find himself in unpleasant situations, deprived of spiritual comfort? The reason for this is often ignorance of one’s own personal boundaries, as well as those that another person sets. What can all this lead to?
In psychology, a person’s personal boundaries are considered as a conditional feature that separates him from other people. Simply put, this is what allows you to understand where “I” is and where “Not-I” is.
Psychologists describe a person’s personal boundaries as a certain line that separates a person’s worldview from the intentions and attitudes of those people who are in their immediate environment. Moreover, they can look completely different. Thus, some people “build” high stone fences, placing watchtowers in the corners, while others have no personal boundaries at all.
Who most often invades personal space?
There are three types of people capable of infiltrating our “territory”:
- Those who know about the existence of a phenomenon and respect it, but under specific circumstances, for example, during stress or a quarrel, unconsciously step over them.
- Who lacks tact due to lack of upbringing. These are not aggressors; their parents simply did not teach them the correct behavior as children.
- Manipulators. They are fully aware of their actions and know how to gain benefit by causing pain or discomfort to a person.
Defining Personal Boundaries
But before you outline your own space, you need to define it. There are two methods for this.
Individual rules
Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a list of what you love to do or what brings you satisfaction or comfort. For example:
- I do not complete tasks for others, even when strongly requested.
- I don’t visit friends unannounced and don’t receive guests unless they contact me first.
- I don’t call after 10 pm and don’t answer calls.
- After work, I spend time with my family and no one can disturb me.
- On weekends I ignore messages about work.
- I communicate only on topics that interest me.
- I don’t give advice without asking.
- I don't do schoolwork for my children.
- If I'm busy and can't talk on the phone, I'll tell the caller right away.
- When I don't want to do a certain thing, I will refuse without fear of offending.
This list may be supplemented and changed depending on personal rules.
Method for discomfort
This method works from the opposite: from an uncomfortable feeling to building a “line”. For example, communicating with a friend becomes unpleasant for you. Or after emotional speeches and complaints you feel too tired. At this moment, tell yourself: “Stop! I don’t want to hear this anymore!”
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A little bit of psychology
The spiritual world of man is the most difficult to understand. That is why it is not so easy to recognize its boundaries and their reliability. After all, if we take, for example, the physical feature that separates each of us from the surrounding reality, then it is easy to determine it through tactile receptors that react to any touch. The situation with the psychological boundary is much more complicated, because it is invisible and is determined only by those feelings that are inherent in an individual person. In this case, the invasion of someone else's territory will be indicated by anger, anger, dissatisfaction and irritation. But sometimes people do not understand their own feelings and do not track them. In this case, personal boundaries are said to be poorly defined, and not only those around them, but also the person himself cannot recognize them. He will feel discomfort from the actions of those around him and accumulate anger at them, but he will not be able to understand that this is happening due to an invasion of his territory.
The absence of clearly defined personal boundaries in a relationship cannot pass without a trace for a person. He will constantly have the feeling that other people are blatantly using him, or, if we consider relationships in a couple, a symbiotic attachment to his soulmate will appear, accompanied by suffering from the fact that the chosen one acts in any situation only at his own discretion.
Of course, every person needs personal boundaries. But it is worth keeping in mind that they cannot be compared with a concrete fence erected around a house. What should personal boundaries be? Dynamic and flexible. Moreover, they must be determined depending on who the person is at a given moment in time, what he feels, thinks and does, as well as what he wants.
How to defend your personal boundaries: 3 ways
When strangers encroach on your personal “territory,” it is necessary to defend it with all your might. We are afraid of offending a person by refusing or we feel too strongly about responsibility. And therefore we act to our detriment.
Does your mother give you urgent advice? Tell her that you know what to do and are confident in yourself. Does your girlfriend constantly complain about life, not paying attention to your disinterest? Let her know that she can only talk about good things with you.
Psychologists recommend writing down incidents that disturb your mental balance on paper and coming up with specific safe words for them. In order not to hesitate at the right moment, play out the situations and their possible outcomes in your head. And follow the algorithm when communicating that causes discomfort.
To protect yourself from an invasion, you need to take three actions. We will talk about them further.
Feel the disturbance
Imagine: you are planning to spend a day off with your loved one, but then your boss calls asking you to come to work. What feelings do you think will arise? If you are in a great mood and want to work hard, they are positive. What if plans for a joint vacation were made in a week?
In all cases, put “I” first. You should not take actions to the detriment of yourself, so as not to disappoint others.
You are violating personal boundaries
If you are trying to get certain actions from others, start with yourself. Therefore, in order to protect your own space, you need to learn to respect someone else’s. After all, we are not perfect either.
The simplest example: meeting a friend on the street, we ask where he is going. It would seem that this is a common thing, but it may be unpleasant for someone to answer.
Listen to yourself
How do you feel when others cross the “line” or do you? What is driving you at the moment? Curiosity, inattention - whatever it is, try to get rid of such feelings.
It's easier to install right away than to reinstall
Everyone knows the phrase that it is better to do it well right away than to redo it later. But it’s one thing to know, and another thing to put knowledge into practice. How do you set personal boundaries? Psychologists assure that most people first allow a lot to their new acquaintances, and then abruptly begin to demand something from people. And a situation arises when a person suddenly receives complaints that he had not heard before. This often happens to couples who are just starting to date.
Girls first let the guy get close, and then they build a wall that is very difficult to break through, no matter how hard you try. The man begins to think that the lady has decided to send him to the friend zone, and is looking for another more accessible girl. But in fact, the lady just wanted to push the guy away a little, since she finds it unpleasant when a person violates her personal boundaries. In order to avoid getting into awkward situations and then making excuses in front of people, you need to immediately be able to show your character. Show the limits of what is acceptable right away, not after the fact. Then you won’t have to be upset, apologize and blush for your strange behavior. Don't be afraid to appear strange in front of another person. It will be worse if you go against your will and endure strong pressure from the people around you.
Personal boundaries: how to set them
And now we come to the most important thing: how to build a territory and what skills are needed for this. As mentioned above, people are not born with a sense of personal space; they work on it throughout their lives. After all, when meeting a new person, you have to put out “border guards”, getting used to the peculiarities of communicating with him.
To make the result noticeable, psychologists give several recommendations:
- Start with self-assessment. Anyone who allows himself to be manipulated lacks confidence. Understand that you are also an individual and have the same rights as others.
- You know what you want. Anyone who does not understand his desires is easily influenced. Therefore, set goals and do what you love, without taking into account other people's opinions.
- Learn to say no. Helping others is good, but not at the expense of yourself. If it's not your responsibility, you can agree or say a firm "No" without feeling guilty.
- Let's fight back. Someone else has encroached on your space - don’t remain silent. Know how to stand up for yourself: protect yourself from unnecessary advice or ask not to ask too intrusive questions.
- Stop blaming everyone! The only one to blame for your failures is you. Do not shift responsibility to parents, friends or random passers-by. Only you can fix the situation now.
- Limit interactions with energy vampires and unpleasant people. If conversations with an acquaintance take all your energy, and your “girlfriend” constantly talks about her own problems and is not interested in your affairs, why put yourself at risk?
Building your own comfort zone
How to build personal boundaries? A person must reshape his character a little and learn:
- Self-confidence. A person who considers first of all his own opinion, and not the opinions of others, will be happy. It will be easy for such a person to explain to others where his own comfort zone lies, which cannot be violated.
- Dream and set goals. Restoring personal boundaries must begin with setting your desires and goals. A person must go somewhere in this life, only then can he become a harmonious person. When moving around without a guide, it’s all too easy to get lost in the bustle of the city.
- Learn to fight back against people who violate your boundaries. You need to tactfully, but still firmly, refuse everyone who violates your comfort zone. Such persons act ugly, and they must understand this. If a person has forgotten about your boundaries, do not hesitate to remind him of them. How to change your personal boundaries? Books about self-confidence will help you do this.
How to build personal boundaries when communicating with loved ones
You can cut off all contacts with an outsider who is tired of asking questions. But what to do when the intrusion comes from a parent, brother or sister? All mothers want the best for their children, but try to be too involved in their lives. But why not stop communicating with them?
Ask a question
You can withstand the onslaught without showing negativity or irritation. If mommy gives advice that is not particularly useful to you, answer her: “I love and appreciate you very much, but let me deal with the problem on my own.” The main thing is to pronounce this phrase with a positive intonation.
Often women become victims of manipulation by children. When you come home from work, you want to rest and relax a little. But the kids do not give rest, they want to go for a walk or ask to play with them. Calmly explain that you need an hour to come to your senses, and then you will fulfill any of their wishes.
Learning to say “No”
This is the basic rule: firmly refuse and do not regret what you did. But, unfortunately, few people can do this. People are driven by the fear of losing love or a good attitude towards themselves. We offer 5 steps to competently refuse:
- Show your feelings. The man made a request - show dissatisfaction and thereby soften the ground.
- Explain your decision based on your own feelings. Don't try to pull arguments out of thin air, otherwise it will look like an excuse.
- Don't leave someone you know in a hopeless situation. When refusing, suggest another way to resolve the issue.
- Most likely, the person asking will begin to persuade you to agree. Calmly listen to everything he has to say.
- If there is still no desire to help, repeat what you said, taking into account what you heard.
But remember: when uncertainty appears in your voice, your partner will win, and you will agree to do something you didn’t want. Therefore, you must refuse confidently and firmly.
The origins of the formation of protection of the inner world
Personal boundaries of any person begin to be built in childhood. For the first time after birth, the baby feels one with his mother.
However, the child grows up. Over time, he begins to understand that his mother and he are completely different people. Starting to crawl and then walk, children increasingly strive for independence. They disconnect from their mother, explore the world around them, and then return to her again for support if they need it. In the case when such a process is successful, the child builds personal boundaries.
However, this, unfortunately, is not always the case. Often a mother does everything to stop her child’s attempts to become independent. At the same time, she does not give her child the opportunity to feel that he is a separate person. The baby sets his own boundaries of actions and thoughts. Of course, by doing this, parents are trying to protect their child from possible misfortunes and troubles. However, this does not allow the child to live his own life.
Sometimes you can observe the other extreme. The mother rejects the requests of her child when he seeks comfort and support. The result of both attitudes is very sad. A child cannot learn to understand his desires and feelings. That is why, having become an adult, he begins to rely on the needs of other people, which he satisfies first. This allows him to violate his personal boundaries.
How to set personal boundaries between a woman and a man
A common cause of relationship breakdown is a violation of personal space. Let's try to explain with an example. Anna meets with Mikhail. They spend almost all their free time together: the two of them go to see friends, watch movies, and go for walks. And at the initial stage of falling in love, this seems wonderful. But later the girl realizes that she has not seen her friends for a long time and abandoned her drawing classes. The guy does not allow her to go to parties without him and believes that she absolutely does not need the courses.
How long will this couple last? If there is no compromise, no. Therefore, it is important to build a “line” in family matters.
Another example is domestic violence. This is a hot topic today. According to statistics, 40% of serious crimes in Russia are committed in the family, and about 14 thousand women die at the hands of their spouses. All representatives of the fair sex should have wide boundaries. If a person allows himself to be hit, it means that his sense of his own space is weakened. And this must be fought.
It is important to stop the offender the first time. Forgiving a loved one means making the situation worse. During an argument, calmly explain to your partner that raised voices are unacceptable. And if the situation repeats, just leave.
Experts give several recommendations on how to protect “territory” in relationships:
- Think about this at the initial stage, otherwise later it will be too late.
- Remember: we ourselves teach people how to treat us.
- Psychological health is directly dependent on the breadth and strength of a personality trait.
- Respect not only your own interests, but also the hobbies of your partner.
Reasonable approach
How should a person show his personal boundaries? Psychologists advise using this method. A person should once stop an opponent who has taken too wide a step. Your offender must understand that he did something wrong, and you will not tolerate such treatment. Thus, you give the person the first warning. The person understands how you should be treated. But the next time we meet, a person can once again check the boundaries of what is permissible. And if your opponent gets rebuffed again, he will understand that you are confident in your boundaries. It is very useful to clearly know the limits of what is acceptable. And there is no need to repeat to the person several times what is unpleasant to you. After all, you can simply not allow a person to cross boundaries.
And if a person does not understand your words and believes that you can tolerate it, you need to either stop communicating with this opponent or react sharply to his attacks. As a result, the person should understand that you are not joking and are really ready to defend yourself. Moreover, methods that will justify the means can be used even if they are not the most kind.
To demand that other people respect your boundaries, you need to learn to respect other people's boundaries. Never play the fool and pretend that you don’t understand the desires of others. After all, then these same people can cross your boundaries and thereby cause you inconvenience.
