Stay the same person you were when you met.
At the beginning of a relationship, we are all amazing, attractive and do thousands of things to show our partner our best qualities. After some time, we begin to understand what kind of person is really next to us, what his shortcomings are, how he behaves in various situations. It is natural that a mature relationship develops into marriage.
But after the wedding, some people calm down and do not consider it necessary to try to please their loved one. Suddenly feel that most of the time the house may look unkempt, rude and grumpy. Of course, it is difficult to keep the body and face the same as in youth: age and gravity are merciless. However, there is a lot you can do to stay in good physical, mental, moral and emotional health. A good marriage is a perpetual movement.
How to be happy in marriage?
Conversation with Father Alexander Nikolsky Contents:
- Part 1
- Part 2
Part 1
‒ According to Rev. Nectarius of Optina, “happiness in married life is given only to those who fulfill the commandments of God and treat marriage as a Sacrament of the Christian Church.” And how can this attitude “how to the Sacrament” be expressed?
‒ First of all, spouses should always remember the words of Holy Scripture “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). The same words were read to them (if the marriage was crowned) in the Sacrament of Marriage. Therefore, a husband and wife must always, every minute, believe that their union is the Providence of God.
Nowadays people often get divorced because “it’s not for me”, “my spouse is not suitable for me, I need to look for someone else, my other half is walking around somewhere, but I made a mistake here.” And believing spouses know that God united them. And my other half is mine. It may be imperfect, sinful, with problems, but it is mine . God gave this to me. This is useful to me, this is saving me.
Any Sacrament is aimed primarily at the salvation of the soul. A person knows that “even though I have problems in my marriage, God specifically gave me a person with such problems so that I could be saved.” We must always remember this and overcome temptations with God’s help.
‒ Is it important to strive for unity between husband and wife? What does this concept mean?
- Of course, it’s important. We believe in one holy catholic apostolic Church. And the family is called the home church. Naturally, if there is God, if there is love, especially if God is love (John 4:8), then there must be unity of love in marriage. And not just any love. There is also carnal love - the husband loves his wife only as a woman, and the husband’s wife only as a man. They may quarrel often, but when they are together in a carnal way, everything is fine. There must be unity of Christian love. Not on the basis of passionate feelings, but on the basis of spiritual love.
What love is is difficult to express, since love is from God. This is divine energy that manifests grace in people. Although there is a well-known apostolic definition of the properties of love: “Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, although prophecy shall cease, and tongues shall be silent, and knowledge shall be abolished” (1 Cor. 13:4-8). From this definition we understand that meekness and humility will come from a loving person.
And passions are not humble. A person under the influence of passions wants to receive and is even ready to intimidate and deceive another person. Christian love does not suppress another person and, unlike passions, does not suppress the person himself. Because God does not suppress us, he humbly waits for us to come to Him.
Of course, complete unity is possible only in the face of God, only among two deeply religious people. Not even every Orthodox family can dare to call itself a home church in its entirety, to say that there is complete unity between spouses. This is our goal in the sacrament of marriage - to achieve unity in love. Why are we getting married? Because the Lord gives us spiritual strength to come to unity in love with each other. If two Orthodox people met and got married, this does not mean that this unity already exists. We must strive for it.
‒ Why is it so difficult to achieve unity in marriage?
- Relationships can develop in such a way that spouses begin to internally separate themselves from each other. They don’t get divorced, they seem to be one family, and there are even times when they live quite amicably. But there are often situations in which one perceives the other as something external that puts pressure on me, interferes with me, and does not help me. After all, you can live without a divorce as if you were divorced.
The fact is that in the latter case, the spouses forget that the problems of the other half are common problems, and not just “his” or “hers”, respectively. What connects people and especially spouses? Love. But here this love is not there. There is protest, there are hostile feelings. You no longer perceive this person as one of your own .
As St. said. Grigory Theologian, if your husband is a drunkard, then it’s like a sore arm - you won’t ask the doctors to amputate it as quickly as possible, but on the contrary, you’ll want to preserve it, if possible! This is how you need to treat the problems of your spouse. You should always remember the words of St. John Chrysostom: “A husband and wife should be like hands and eyes. When your hand hurts, your eyes cry. And when the eyes cry, the hands wipe the tears.”
- It turns out that we spend the whole day worrying about anything, but not about unity with our other half?
- Yes, we often forget that the main thing is not to do external things, but to preserve and increase peace in the family based on love. There are good words from Abbot Nikon (Vorobiev): “Love each other, have pity on everyone, keep peace at any cost, let the cause suffer, but peace will remain!” The main thing in the family is Christian love. External actions are acceptable only as an expression of love, and without the desire for love, even going to church can result in pharisaism.
We must always remember the basic commandments - “thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind: this is the first and greatest commandment; the second is similar to it: love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).
If people start quarreling over which wallpaper is best to hang, one has to give in and endure it. If one of the spouses insists on his own opinion in an everyday matter and thereby causes a quarrel, this is a clear sin.
One woman’s husband was a director, and she had already seen his new film several times. They went to visit, the wife and her friend sat in the room to watch this film again, and the husband and his friend had an interesting conversation in the kitchen. A friend says: “Let’s go join them!” And the wife replies: “No, if I don’t finish watching the picture, it will be unpleasant for my husband, he may get upset.” The wife’s goal in this example is not to offend her husband, and this is very good. Of course, not to the extreme - my husband often drinks, and I will keep him company. Not like that, of course. But business should not be put first. Or, more precisely, spiritual work must be put in first place.
The main thing is that there is no disagreement and there is peace in the family.
‒ It happens that one of the spouses prefers TV or a computer to communicating with the other spouse, with children, why does this happen?
- Usually this happens due to some problems (at work, with health, with children) or simply because of selfishness and dislike. Too lazy to communicate with your other half, with children, it’s easier and more interesting to watch TV, sit down at the computer. Sometimes they find an excuse - I’m tired.
There is no conscious sense of protest in this. A person thinks that he needs to be distracted, to forget. I seem to have a normal relationship with my spouse, but I’m too lazy - I’ll have to communicate and waste my inner strength. And on the computer it’s easy to find what interests you and what will entertain you.
This all happens because of dislike. Even in this case, people can slowly move away from each other. There seem to be no quarrels, but internally they are slowly drifting apart.
‒ What should the other half do, the one from whom they leave for the computer or phone?
- First of all, there is no need to be dramatic. After all, you can start making scandals and quarrels on this basis - and this will be even more grounds for alienation. Therefore, it is imperative to pray for your spouse. Establish a spiritual connection through prayer. Then you will stop separating your inner self (there will be no desire to “revenge”: oh, you’re on TV, then I’ll go chat with friends).
After all, prayer is not something that only affects the one who prays. It affects the world around us. “Prayer for them has a stronger effect on neighbors than a word to them,” these are the words of St. Ignatius Brianchaninov. We must remember what is said in the Gospel: “Have faith in God, for truly I say to you, if anyone says to this mountain, “Be taken up and thrown into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be for him no matter what.” will say.” (Mark 11:23). With your prayer you will already appeal to love and help another person, so that he responds and warms up to you, becomes more loving and attentive. This is a very important thing; you really need to start any business with it.
If a spouse, instead of communicating on a computer (or now a tablet), the phone with the Internet dies, perhaps this is a continuation of some previous situation of unsuccessful communication, maybe he previously tried to share with his other half, but she did not show interest.
That is, we need to think, if my husband/wife avoids communicating with me, maybe I myself have already tried to do a lot of things for our spiritual break, and now I’ve decided to communicate, and my other half is already more comfortable without me. We must start with ourselves, with a critical analysis of our behavior, and on our own part begin to build relationships.
And then, we often live by our own interests. We do what interests us, we only talk and think about it. We must not forget the words of the Apostle Paul: “Seek no one his own, but each one the benefit of another” (1 Cor. 10:24). It is necessary for the husband and wife to be interested in communicating with each other. Of course, there are professional aspects that the other may not know, but there must be some common interests, a field for conversation that will be interesting to both. At the same time, you need to demand from yourself, you need to learn to be interested in the life of your other half, and not expect this from him/her.
A wife, for example, should try to support her husband’s interests, although she may not even be interested in this, although she may have her own 101 problems.
Part 2
‒ We ended the conversation with the fact that a wife should be interested in her husband’s affairs, even if she is overloaded with the troubles of children and she no longer has the strength to be interested in anything else.
Often wives who are caring for small children greet their husbands with these words: “Here, I’m sitting at home, at least you go to work, now you sit, and I’ll go for a walk, at least I’ll have an outlet.” But the husband needs to be an outlet! We must live by his interests, be interested in him as a person!
A wife definitely needs to think about how I greet my husband from work? Maybe when he comes home, he wants to tell me something, and I cut him off - listen, I have my own problems here, the child is sick, go sit with the children or wash the dishes. For the sake of happiness in marriage, for the sake of God, you need to not behave this way, but learn to show attention and care. First, smile, feed, show your readiness to listen to your spouse. Most husbands will be happy to talk about their relationships with people, with their bosses. Every person has a need to speak out, to share what worries him.
Likewise, the husband - when his wife talks about her affairs, about her children, he, despite being tired after a day of work, must tense up and try to discuss with his wife everything that worries her, for Christ’s sake.
When both spouses do this, have the willingness and the mood to communicate with each other, then in their relationship, maybe not immediately, but at least gradually, a vector directed towards each other will emerge. They will become friends. Maybe, I repeat, not right away, because relationships take years to build.
Still, companionship in marriage is necessary. Then the spouses will be connected not only by the problems of children or the household, but they themselves as individuals will be interesting to each other.
When is there friendship? When people are interested in each other. When you only care about your own problems, friendship will not work. Mutual alienation will develop. We must remember that when we do not build relationships with each other, they inevitably, although unnoticed by us, are destroyed. Otherwise, as sometimes happens, they raised children and ran away, divorced. Why? They did not acquire love for each other.
Common deeds contribute to the acquisition of love and are an external form of its expression, but in themselves they do not replace love. You must love the person himself, both with prayer, and with deeds, and with all your soul. Otherwise, a person begins to be perceived only as a means. The common cause is over - the connection with the person has also ceased.
When a person loves, he, on the contrary, will look for common affairs, will look for something that would connect the two of them and where his love could manifest itself and strengthen.
If you don’t have enough love, but you set the goal of acquiring it, then common deeds are simply irreplaceable to achieve this goal.
‒ What if one of the spouses tries, but the response is still indifference, and this causes resentment?
- The one of the spouses who was offended should not, first of all, be offended. In response to dislike, you cannot show dislike. “But I say to you: do not resist evil. But whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other also to him” (Matthew 5:39). This is the principle of the Gospel. They are not interested in you, but you are. There will already be communication. Your problems are ignored, and you accept his problems as your own. There will already be a conversation. Some connection will remain. Even if it is supported by only one side. Sometimes such a situation is inevitable. At work, the husband is tired, there he controls himself, but at home he could not mobilize - after all, the man is not a saint, somewhere he will inevitably relax. The wife should start talking and tell her something interesting. Or just feel sorry: “My poor thing, you’re tired, lie down on the sofa.” The husband will appreciate it, he will feel warm and spiritually warm. He will lie down and lie down and want to talk to him, share.
- It happens that both spouses seem to want many children. But now there are two children, it’s difficult with them, in principle, the wife is ready for another pregnancy, but her husband’s doubts really bother her. She expects support, confidence, the words “yes, dear, we can handle it” - and she doesn’t get it.
- Of course, ideally we should always support each other in good ways. “By obedience to the truth through the Spirit, having purified your souls to unfeigned brotherly love, continually love one another with a pure heart” (1 Pet. 1:22).
The birth of a child is a common matter; the husband must support his wife in this Christian endeavor. He is saved by childbearing, just like his wife. It’s just that the husband is more involved in raising children not during their infancy, but when they get older. And most of all, his spiritual help will be needed when you need to talk with children in adolescence.
But it is necessary for both spouses to perceive childbearing as asceticism within the framework of an Orthodox family. That is, they perceived childbirth primarily as a spiritual activity, which is necessary for acquiring love through humility, for acquiring the Kingdom of Heaven. So that they have confidence that if God gives children to spouses, then this is necessary for the salvation of their souls. There must be mutual agreement on this issue. If someone alone does not decide to have children, then the other spouse needs to pray, you can try to explain your position. And you also need to think - why doesn’t the husband/wife want children? Or maybe the source of the problem is me? It happens that when a wife gives birth, she becomes like a fury, the husband has difficulty with her, and if the wife does not change for the better, then the husband may not change his attitude towards childbirth. On the other hand, you have to humble yourself, but you don’t have to rejoice if your spouse is against having children, saying that this relieves you of moral responsibility. After all, you must want to save your soul!
‒ It happens that spouses quarrel over their parents (someone’s parents don’t help at all, although their help is really needed, or they obsessively try to give advice on how young people should live, etc.). What do you recommend in such situations?
‒ There is no need to separate parents: your parent, my parent. After all, a family is a unity, which means you also have common parents. There is no need to separate yourself from your other half: these are not my parents and not my problems. You need to internally treat the parents of your other half as your own, call them “dad” and “mom” and try to feel that way. This follows from the essence of the Sacrament of Marriage. According to church canons, spiritual kinship is equated to blood kinship. The sacrament of marriage combines two people into a single spiritual organism. Of course, when a child gets married, parents no longer have to guide their children as much as before. Reasonable, believing parents will not do this. Parents must always remember the words of the Holy Scripture: “And he said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).
- How should spouses react to the intrusive advice of their parents?
- With respect, with gratitude, even if this advice seems wrong to us. Because parents advise out of love for us. Even if it bothers us, it seems wrong, this is not a reason to quarrel or show disrespect. Perhaps this is a reason to repent of the sin of touchiness, impatience, and the fact that we lack Christian love. And such repentance can have great spiritual benefits. If you calm down and stop being offended, many problems will automatically go away. Many problems lie in our internal attitude towards them.
Having received such intrusive advice from parents, which is difficult to agree with, you need to discuss it with your spouse and think about it. You can consult a priest if you need an outside unbiased opinion. And after that, do as our conscience dictates, in the way that, in our understanding, will please God. Parents often give the right advice. They have more life experience. Only our pride and self-will prevent us from perceiving this correctly. We must humble ourselves by pleasing God. Even if the form in which our parents interact with us is intrusive and oppressive. You always need to ask yourself the question: “What if they are right after all?” After all, parents usually wish the best for their child. And God can give them useful advice for their love. True, here, in order to accept advice, a certain dispassion is required from a person. Therefore, we must pray that the Lord will enlighten us.
‒ It happens that a husband or wife cannot find a common language with their other half and, out of habit, if there are any problems, they seek support from their mother.
- It is not right. And a good mother in such a situation will push her child to “get away from her” and establish relationships with his other half, will be a peacemaker. She doesn't want her child to be unhappy in her marriage. But it also happens the other way around - for example, if the only son gets married, the mother may perceive it like this: “Oh, my son is not appreciated, they don’t cook porridge in the morning. Cursed be the hour when I allowed him to marry this aunt. It’s okay, we’ll find another one!” Only an unbeliever who does not believe in God’s Providence, perceiving the world through the prism of his egoism, can speak and behave this way. This is not Christian love for a child. Normal parents will try to save their child's marriage, even if it seems to them not entirely successful. What advice should I give to my wife (husband) if the mother of the other half behaves in a non-Christian manner and encourages discord in the family? May God give them patience and humility. Just don’t get into conflict with your mother-in-law (mother-in-law). It's useless. It will only get worse. Are you saying you love your other half? So love it! Just love a real person in a real life situation, and not your dream about him. Why does the husband run to his mother? Because he thinks that she loves and understands him. So we need to give him love and understanding on our part. Just without whispering how good I am and how bad she is. True love is always attractive. “Therefore they will know that you are my disciples if you have love one another” (John 13:39). These words of the Lord fully apply to the family. Moreover, without the implementation of these words, the family simply cannot exist.
Interviewed by Natalya Maltseva
Ask for forgiveness and say goodbye
We are all imperfect. If you make a mistake, do not waste time, sincerely ask for forgiveness as quickly as possible. And when your loved one hurts your feelings, forgive him. For both spouses to live a full life, it is important to be able to ask for forgiveness and forgive.
In other words, the main secret of a happy marriage is to do good, to be wise in words, actions and thoughts. Treat your partner the way you want to be treated. And if you want to understand how a word or decision will affect your marriage, imagine yourself in your partner’s place and you will understand how to act.
Develop personal space
Often the harmful habit of invading a spouse’s personal space develops among those partners who are not used to having something of their own. Therefore, in order to get rid of it, it is necessary to develop your own private life, separate from your spouse. It may seem paradoxical, but working on yourself, developing your personality, creating your own space (this could be a hobby or hobby) will only benefit the family. Therefore, the answer to the question of how to make a marriage happy, for many couples, will be to search for themselves, to develop their personal boundaries.
If a person gets married, this does not mean that he should devote himself wholeheartedly and completely to his family. It is necessary to continue to develop. This does not mean that partners will stop communicating with each other. You just need to devote time to self-development - read books, go to the gym, engage in hobbies.
Charge your partner with positive energy
A man needs to energetically charge his beloved woman and share his positive energy with her. Under no circumstances should you throw negativity at her. Because in return you can get the same thing.
If a man respects a woman, then this attitude will return to him in a greater volume. And if he begins to neglect her or start a “showdown”, then, of course, he will receive the same thing in return.
Attention to your beloved wife
Now we will give advice to men on how to make a woman happy.
It should be said that the girl really needs attention. If she does not receive it, then she begins to think that the man does not love her. And when a guy treats his beloved with attention, he receives kindness, care and tenderness in return. A woman's wishes should not be ignored.
Her emotional background is so unstable that the slightest neglect can ignite a storm of negative experiences in her. When a woman is not given enough attention, she begins to think that this man does not need her. As a result, she is in a bad mood. So how to make a woman happy? The answer is quite simple. Give her more attention.
Job
Realization in the professional sphere is an indispensable component of some girls. Here again, it is important to choose a job that will suit your inclinations and abilities. Then the service will bring more joy and happiness.
By choosing a random or profitable field as a profession that is not in her heart, a woman dooms herself to torment and boredom. Just think how much time you spend at work! By spending it on something you don't like, you can't be completely happy.
Therefore, it is important when choosing a place of employment to remain true to your preferences and principles.
Relationship
A successful personal life is important for women's happiness. When choosing a partner, listen to your heart and intuition. If you do not have a soul for a person, no amount of wealth, comfort, entertainment, travel or a magnificent intimate life can compensate you for the irreconcilable differences in your characters and worldview.
Don't waste your time on trifles. Don't listen to your mom or friends if their words go against your beliefs. Don't expect that over time you will be able to improve your relationship with your partner. Be with the man who is dear to your heart, with whom you truly feel good. And then true feminine happiness awaits you.
Video on the topic
Everyone knows the components of simple female happiness: healthy parents, a full house, smart children and a caring, loving man nearby. But few people remember that such happiness rarely falls on one’s head just like that.
Gratitude
In marriage, it is extremely important to maintain the ability to be grateful for what the other half does. Both women and men often make a common mistake - they begin to take the positive actions of their partner for granted. The wife stops thanking her husband for help around the house. She takes for granted the fact that he fixed the tap when he came home tired after work. Sometimes husbands sin in similar ways. The wife spends the entire evening at the stove, preparing dinner, and all she receives as gratitude is a casually thrown “thank you.”
Every person wants to feel special, and therefore happy love in marriage is simply unthinkable without the ability to thank each other. Moreover, this must be done with all your heart - praise and gratitude must be sincere. Flattery is also unlikely to please anyone.
Spending time together brings you closer and helps you get to know each other.
How to make the woman you love happy? In order for a woman to feel great, it is recommended to spend as much time as possible with her. And not to sit at home on the couch, but to invent leisure time for yourself. Go to some events together, visit cultural places, play sports, travel, and so on. Spending time together brings people very close together. It is very good when people have common interests. Men need to understand that plans to visit any places should not be postponed indefinitely. It is necessary to make specifications, namely, to draw up a plan. It should indicate when and where they will go or go with their wife.
At the same time, ask the woman to compose her own. Then you need to do a comparative analysis of the two lists. And it will become clear whether there are common interests or not. If there are common points in these lists, then you should not delay their implementation. If there are no common interests, then you can alternate items from one list with another. That is, first go or go where the wife wants, and then go where the husband wants. In this way, the interests of both partners will be satisfied. If people spend time not only at home, but also go somewhere or organize some events, then their lives will be more fulfilling. Then scandals will become rare in their home.
Travel has a good effect on people's relationships. A change of environment always has a beneficial effect on relationships between people. Because new impressions imbue them with positive emotions. And the adventures they experience together will bring them even closer. After the trip, people have pleasant memories.
Appearance
Looking attractive is a natural desire for women. Some girls choose beauty ideals for themselves and try to get as close to them as possible. The wiser representatives of the fair sex know that when improving, you must, first of all, remain yourself. They prioritize not the standards accepted in society, but their own merits.
Emphasizing what is beautiful, and not completely remaking yourself - this is what a girl who wants to be beautiful and happy should strive for.
Otherwise, a representative of the fair sex, having undergone many metamorphoses, may become completely different in appearance and lose her own individuality. Without her own flair, she can get lost in the crowd. In addition, the race for trends in the world of fashion and beauty never ends. This means that a woman who has chosen this thorny path cannot be completely satisfied with her own appearance. If you want to be happy with yourself, don’t break it, just improve your image.
Don't get carried away with criticism
Some people criticize unconsciously, not out of a desire to hurt or offend a loved one, but because they tend to see other people's shortcomings and not notice their merits. The other half has both strengths and weaknesses. You should not notice only weaknesses, ignoring a lot of advantages.
For example, if he doesn’t get along with plumbing, doesn’t know how to repair broken electrical appliances, but at the same time he perfectly finds a common language with children, spends time with them in an exciting and useful way, engaging in their development, then why not praise him and notice him trusting relationships with children
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