How to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up - analysis by a psychologist

How to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up: the theory of jealousy

Jealousy is anxiety based on the fear that someone might take away the object of your affection. This anxiety usually occurs if there is someone who threatens your relationship and could take your place. Jealousy can also appear in relation to everything that one way or another takes the partner’s attention - this could be the wife’s friends or football with her husband’s friends, the partner’s parents, work, hobbies and hobbies. Anything that takes away your attention and your partner's time can become a reason for jealousy.

Jealousy often occurs when you underestimate yourself and consider yourself worse than your partner. Perhaps deep in your subconscious you are convinced that you are unworthy of him. Unconsciously, you may even believe that you somehow ended up in this relationship and are very lucky. Don’t rush to deny this fact - as a rule, these feelings are not obvious and are built on a deeper conviction that “I’m not good enough” or “there’s something wrong with me”, “he can find better”, “I’m not very good”. interesting, smart or handsome."

Such an underestimation of oneself leads to anxiety, fears and doubts, and the fear of losing a person. And based on this anxiety, a feeling of possessiveness may appear, manifested in the desire to appropriate the other, to control him, to know what is happening to him, to be aware of all his movements.

And the stronger this desire to appropriate an object, the lower the quality of the relationship will be, the more negativity, reproaches, claims and demands there will be, and sooner or later this can lead to a break.

There are also couples in which jealousy only fuels passion, where both partners like to control each other. Or those where one receives subconscious masochistic pleasure from his own jealousy, and the other fuels his self-esteem due to the fact that he is jealous: this is how he feels needed, significant, loved. And on this mutual adrenaline, the union can happily exist for many years.

And it happens that a person is jealous and seems to want to control, but due to his low self-esteem and other limiting beliefs, he cannot allow himself to control out loud, suppresses his own urges to encroach on his partner’s territory, his own emotions and feelings. A person is jealous, but cannot express it, and suffers greatly from this.

No matter how jealousy manifests itself specifically in you, if you came across my article, it means that it interferes with your life and, most likely, negatively affects your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Therefore, let’s determine together today how to stop being jealous and overthinking ourselves, learn to trust your partner and calmly build a happy relationship with him.

What about you?

Here you need to be honest with yourself and understand a small detail. Often men who cheat on their chosen ones transfer their own sins onto their wife, thereby suspecting her of cheating too. Now the man got his second wind, he was able to find a mistress, and at the same time, his wife began to stay late at work and rarely pick up the phone. After such cases, a man begins to think about only one thing, assuring himself that his wife is exactly the same wife as himself!

Research says that men tend to project onto their chosen one both serious relationships on the side, as well as flirting and even secret desires of a sexual nature. In this situation, you should understand yourself, “kill your own cockroaches,” and not look for your wife’s lover and suspect her of cheating.

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How to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up - 2 steps:

Step 1: Find out the reason for your jealousy

If you are jealous, then perhaps deep down in your soul you do not have the best opinion of yourself. This low opinion of yourself gives rise to the idea that you cannot claim anything good in life. And when this good thing does happen, for example, in the form of a wonderful partner, husband or wife, you subconsciously do not fully believe that he truly loves you. You don’t fully believe that he is faithful to you, and that he chose you and stopped there in his choice. The absence of this faith will lead to the fact that you periodically check the space for the presence of a threat - peek at his phone, call, listen to the conversation on the phone, who is next to your partner, look at his messages on social networks.

A person looks for something when he doubts, and if at the same time he is confident in himself, but just met a partner who behaves suspiciously, then a confident person will immediately dot the i's. He won’t take a long time to figure out what’s going on, but instead will either quickly expose his partner to the truth, or he won’t even want to figure it out and will quickly leave this relationship.

An unsure person will enter this game, get a taste for it and will think about it for a long time, rack his brains, remember specific dialogues, turn them around in his head in search of the truth. And those who seek, as we know, will always find. Why do they say “thoughts materialize”? Because when your brain is sure of something, it will not rest until it confirms it to itself. And then he will enthusiastically shout the cherished: “I told you so!”

Our brain is designed in such a way that it constantly scans the space for evidence of what you think about yourself, about life, about people. And he always, invariably, inevitably finds what he is looking for.

Therefore, the first and most important thing you should do to understand how to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up is to find out what you think about yourself, as well as about your family, relationships and the opposite sex, which leads to feelings of jealousy in you .

To do this, ask yourself the following questions and answer them in as much detail as possible:

• What do I think about myself as a woman (man) in a relationship? What do I think about this role in my life? How competitive am I in this field? What do I think about others, how much better or worse are they and in what ways? What am I basing my thoughts on when I think this?
• What do I think about my partner? How competitive is he as a man (woman)? How in demand is it? And compared to me? What am I basing my thoughts on when I think this?
• Remember a specific person you are jealous of or were jealous of your partner. What do you think about him? How is he better than you? What does he win? What exactly are your thoughts based on?
• What do I think about relationships in general? What about the opposite sex in relationships? What are they like in relationships - men (women)? Faithful? Polygamous or monogamous? What am I basing this on? Are there or have there been counterexamples in my life?
• How do I feel about my gender in relationships? What beliefs do I have about my gender in relationships?

Do a full analysis of your thoughts on all these issues, and you may be very surprised and come to unexpected conclusions.

If your jealousy extends not only to specific people, if you tend to be jealous of your loved one for his hobbies, friends, work, mother or any other object that can steal your partner’s attention, then most likely you are prone to emotional dependence in relationships. I have two great articles on this topic:

• How to get rid of love addiction
• How to get rid of addiction to a person

In them, I talk in detail about how to change your attitude towards yourself in order to stop thinking about your partner in his absence, how to stop directing your focus to thoughts about him and start living your own life fully.

My name is Lara Litvinova, I am a psychologist, and problems in relationships and self-esteem are key in my work. I provide consultations via Skype, and if you need help dealing with your own jealousy or emotional dependency, I can provide it for you. You can view the cost of consultation and the work schedule, as well as sign up by following the link. Perhaps now is the time for you to finally deal with this problem.

My book, “Into a Happy Relationship Through Self-Love,” provides a complete analysis of the psychological component of a healthy relationship. After reading it, you will learn to build them openly, on equal terms, without jealousy, dependence and reproaches. She will help you understand yourself and build relationships in which you will be completely comfortable and happy. Link to the book here.

Step 2: working out the cause and eliminating it

So, if you went through the previous step, then most likely you have identified some limiting beliefs. Here are examples of possible beliefs: “he cannot be faithful to me,” “all men are polygamous,” “women are frivolous,” or “no one can be trusted.”

If you have any beliefs, then you begin to live within their framework, limiting yourself only to the choice that they dictate to you. You frame your life and your vision with these beliefs, and your brain becomes almost unable to see evidence to the contrary. Moreover, while in a relationship, you will dig exactly until you receive at least the smallest evidence of your belief. And the more convinced you are, the more likely you are to find evidence of it in your relationships.

Why is this happening? Because we tend to broadcast our beliefs externally. We not only think that something is wrong with us, but we also behave in such a way that people begin to agree with us and find confirmation of this. You may slouch, not like to be photographed, shy, afraid to express yourself. This will lead to the fact that the partner himself will begin to think: “Yes, she’s really not very good,” “He’s really so-so, there are better ones.”

This law also works in the opposite direction: you can subconsciously choose only those who will confirm your opinion about yourself or others. After all, the brain does not notice, does not see people who do not correspond to our beliefs. He lets them pass by or looks for a trick even where there is none. And sometimes we meet a faithful person, a monogamous person, but with our confidence that they don’t love us or cannot be faithful to us, with our constant suspicions, demands or obsessive behavior, we pester the person so much that he really begins to listen to us, and in the end we We’re literally molding him into a traitor.

Low self-esteem is, as a rule, the basis for jealousy, its central link. The lower your self-esteem, the greater your jealousy towards your partner (if you are prone to it). And if in the place where you have a complex, someone around your partner with this zone, on the contrary, everything is fine, then jealousy will manifest itself precisely in relation to this person.

For example, a modest, calm woman may be jealous of her man for a more liberated and courageous woman. And a man who earns little will be more jealous and biased towards wealthier men around his woman. In this sense, jealousy goes side by side with envy - the feeling that you have been passed over somewhere, that you are superior, and that is where all your attention falls, even if there is no good reason for jealousy. In other words, you direct your jealousy to where you feel vulnerable.

Another reason for jealousy is projection. A person who himself is inclined to cheat or flirt, look at others or have fantasies about it - can often begin to blame his partner, be jealous or suspect him. Most people tend to attribute their own reactions and motives to another person and quite seriously believe that the other person also feels and behaves like themselves.

Projection can arise in order to reduce the feeling of guilt - “if they cheat on me too, then it’s okay for me, it means there’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing.” And such a person will with great zeal look for reasons for jealousy in order to calm his conscience.

"Symptoms" of jealous behavior

Manifestations of jealousy depend on the characteristics of the person himself, his character and temperament. For example, there may be causeless outbursts of rage, quarrels, and control over communication with third parties. A jealous person often asks about leisure time spent outside the home, waits for them to return from work or school, and studies their phone, email and SMS.

Another option is the desire to attract the attention of an adored object. In this case, jealous people can even change their appearance in accordance with the ideal of their partner. For example, plump girls lose weight, become blondes or brunettes, etc.

At the same time, it is possible to highlight differences in the manifestations of jealousy among women and representatives of the stronger sex. Nice ladies often delve into themselves and experience anxiety, but in some situations they throw up scenes of jealousy and show their partners hysterical attacks.

Young people try to control their lovers, perhaps even using physical force (even assault). Some men become more strict and cold when dealing with objects of passion.

And yet, we can identify general “symptoms” of jealousy:

• increased attachment to the object of passion;
• the desire to control his actions, limit his circle of contacts;
• relationship anxiety;
• the desire to be close to a loved one;
• negativity towards those people who communicate and interact with the object of jealousy.

There are often situations when jealous people hide their own negative emotions, either ashamed of it or afraid that the object of passion will break off the relationship. It’s good if you can cope with jealousy with simple willpower, but most often a deep study of this condition is required.

What jealousy can lead to

Consequences that can lead to relationships with unreasonable jealousy:

• Parting. No one wants to live with a constant jealous person. Control depresses her, so separation will be the way out of the situation.
• Loss of love. A girl in love will get tired of constant reproaches and want to find someone with whom she will be more interesting.
• Treason. Constant talk about treason will provoke the fact of committing treason, because... You really want to run away from a jealous person.
• Children's suffering. In a family where the husband is jealous, scandals often occur, children receive psychological trauma, which will become a problem when creating their own relationships.

Fighting jealousy is a serious step towards self-development. This feeling is like a disease that requires treatment. And if a guy wants to overcome unnecessary feelings and control his emotions, then he is consciously ready to work on himself and accept the advice of psychologists. It is awareness that leads to success and good results in the treatment of negative behavior.

Take care of yourself

Beautiful, fit, smart and thrifty girls will always be in demand among normal guys. To stop being jealous of your man, engage in self-development.

1. If you don't know how to cook or want to improve your culinary skills, sign up for a chef course.
2. Be sure to play sports: swimming, gym, tennis or jogging in the morning are good for toning. Physical activity takes a lot of time; there is no energy left for sad thoughts.
3. Read books on psychology, personal growth training. A confident girl will not be afraid of breaking up with an unfaithful man and will stop comparing herself with more successful representatives of the fairer sex.
4. Meet and communicate with interesting people. Broaden your horizons in conversations, go to creative and friendly meetings.
5. Find a method to release negative emotions. This could be communication on forums with like-minded people, or going to the gym.
6. Generate positive emotions in yourself. Accumulate them, look for them in everything. Try to remember the feelings of joy and happiness, capture them in a photo, write them in a diary.

On a note! According to psychologists, the desire to get rid of pathological jealousy and an independent search for methods to eradicate negative thoughts is the first step towards recovery. Only in this case can a person turn the situation in his favor.

Advice from psychologists

The best assistant in the question of how to learn not to be jealous of your wife without reason is a psychologist. He not only helps to identify the nature of the problem, but will also find ways not to overwhelm himself in vain and get rid of obsessive states. In such cases, psychologists most often recommend the following:

1. Do what you love . As soon as you begin to notice disturbing thoughts about your wife’s possible betrayal, find any ways to switch. Spend time with friends or relatives, arrange a romantic date for your loved one.
2. Spends more time in society. By communicating and meeting new people, you can pay more attention to other people’s problems and give advice. In this case, you can unintentionally compare your situation with other concerns, realizing the groundlessness of far-fetched thoughts.
3. Analyze your past . Perhaps someone from your circle inadvertently planted thoughts about your spouse’s infidelity in your mind. Maybe in a previous relationship the woman gave in, and you inadvertently began to project that experience onto the current situation.
4. Give your wife more attention . Romance helps to ignite passion, good sex and harmony will push anxious thoughts out of your head. And if you are a good husband, there will be no reason for her to look at other guys.
5. Talk openly with your spouse . Tell her that you are afraid of losing her, that you feel jealousy, that you suffer from it. Maybe she did some pushing things unconsciously. But at the same time, emphasize that you trust her so as not to offend her. This will help her show more love and say some important words.

Specifics of male and female possessiveness

Jealousy has different motivations for men and women. Based on this gender characteristic, the condition is expressed differently in boys and girls. To pacify jealousy in a man and a woman, you need to take into account gender specifics.

Tips for men

In situations of jealousy towards a girl, it is worth understanding the basic specifics of male jealousy - it is often based on physical foundations. A man is afraid of losing the physical, material component of his companion - appearance, beauty, everyday well-being. Anxiety is often directed at these factors.

Let's figure out how not to be jealous of a girl. There are no universal recipes for getting out of the situation. It is necessary to resort to standard methods of controlling anxiety by identifying and eliminating the causes of the condition.

The guy must understand that any of his actions are perceived and evaluated by the girl. Actions that go beyond the boundaries of decent behavior (aggression, use of force) will inevitably lead to the destruction of relationships. To control jealousy, you need to show calm, restraint, thoughtfulness and adequacy.

Tips for girls

When she has feelings for a guy, the anxiety of a jealous girl is more often directed towards the spiritual, sensual sphere. A girl needs emotional intimacy, a sense of stability and confidence in her partner.

In marriage, it is easier for a wife to survive betrayal on the physical plane than on the sensual plane. This specificity carries over to jealousy.

Let's figure out how not to be jealous of a guy. Just like with men, there is no universal recipe for girls to counteract anxiety in relationships. It is important not to let your emotions control your actions. A jealous girl should not throw hysterics and quarrels; she should not resort to blackmail in the desire to achieve the expected behavior of her partner. These actions alienate the man even more and bring discord in the couple closer.

Behavior when jealous of exes

Another common case is jealousy towards an ex-partner.

There are situations in life when people maintain contacts after breaking up - they meet in common companies, cross paths by chance, interact while raising a common child.

To stop beating yourself up and being jealous of your ex-partner you need to:

• let go of the current situation - the relationship is over, the partner is no longer a close person;
• while maintaining a feeling of love, minimize communication and contacts in the first stages, stop checking profiles on social networks, you need to forget your ex.

When jealousy develops into a delusional disorder, when a person is completely absorbed in an anxious state, complex treatment is required to combat it. Paranoia must be treated with medication and psychotherapeutic methods. In some cases, in order to be cured, the patient must be admitted to a hospital, since the condition poses a threat to the people around him.