How to distinguish true love from infatuation?

Each of us has spoken words of love to another person at least once in our lives. However, few people have thought about what this emotion means from a psychological point of view. But love is considered one of the most powerful human feelings.

In the article we will look at what love is from the point of view of psychology, its components and signs, what kind of love there is, how it differs from passion, love and affection, the stage of development of love in a relationship.

If the topic of a love spell worries you from a practical and scientific point of view, then come to the course “Psychological “love spell””, conducted by professional psychologists.

Signs of sympathy

A person can feel sympathy for several people at the same time. It occurs immediately after meeting. This is a feeling of affection for a person, which is characterized by the following signs:

emotional attraction to a person;
common values, beliefs, interests;
a positive reaction to the appearance, character traits, behavior of another person;
goodwill and increased interest;
feeling of similarity.

Sympathy often arises in friendship, where there is affection between people and pleasure in communicating with each other, but sometimes develops into falling in love.

What are the stages of love in a relationship?

The nature of a love relationship between two people can change. This is due to their transition from one stage to another. Each of them can take a different time period. It depends on the temperament of the partners and external factors.

Psychologists identify 7 main stages of love in a relationship:

Acquaintance and sympathy. At this stage, partners take a closer look at each other. A mutual attraction arises between them.
Falling in love lasts from 1 to 1.5 years. It is characterized by active production of endorphins. Lovers see only positive traits in each other. Rational thinking in this case is blocked.
The sobering stage is accompanied by a subsidence of passions. Partners begin to evaluate each other more critically. Each of them comes to the fore with their own interests. At this stage, conflict situations often arise.
Comfort zone. Partners get used to each other, it becomes simple and easy for them to be together. They already know how to find compromises when controversial issues arise.
The rejection stage develops against a background of monotony. In this case, life is smooth, but physical attraction may fade. Many couples break up at this stage of the relationship. Partners stop seeing the good in each other. They only notice the negative.
Revival of feelings. If the couple managed to move through the previous period, their feelings are kindled with a new fire. Romance and reverent attitude towards each other reappear in the relationship. At the same time, family attachment also strengthens.
The next stage is mutual respect. It is characterized by complete acceptance of each other's partners. They already know how to smooth out rough edges and value relationships.

Signs of falling in love

Falling in love is a very vivid feeling that has the following signs:

Falling in love is a feeling that is often called “love at first sight.” This type of romantic emotion is characterized by a strong emotional and physical attraction between one person and another.
Falling in love is born when you see another person and begin to admire his appearance, behavior, speech, and so on. Falling in love consists mainly of emotions; with its onset usually comes a feeling of euphoria, a rush of adrenaline. This strong emotional outburst is compared to the feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” and is not controlled by the person.
A person in love extols the object of his passion, ignoring his shortcomings and exaggerating his strengths. He is overcome by passion, he is fascinated by another person and considers him the limit of his dreams. There is also a desire to like, to become better and to do pleasant things. Falling in love does not necessarily imply the existence of a relationship: you can be unrequitedly in love.
Falling in love is based on passion and infatuation, so it often does not last long. Falling in love appears instantly and can just as quickly disappear if interest in a person disappears, or turn into true love. It takes effort from both partners to maintain the spark. People who move from one relationship to another, seeking to constantly feel in love, may lose sight of true love because it takes time to develop.
Falling in love is short-lived. There is a saying that love lasts 3 years. In fact, it is not love that lasts this long, but infatuation.
Falling in love often manifests itself depending on the partner. You constantly think about your lover, want to be with him as often as possible, abandon other things for his sake, and so on.

What is first love

First love in psychology is considered one of the most vivid emotions. They talk about her a lot in romantic films and literary works. For a person, first love is a serious test, the outcome of which determines the final formation of personality. Some psychologists claim that first love is characteristic of adolescence, while other experts call adolescence sometimes the period of falling in love.

First love is considered pure and innocent. There is no place for self-interest and manipulation in it. That is why it evokes the most acute emotions. If you fall in love during adolescence, the feelings that arise are intensified under the influence of hormones. Against this background, a desire arises for fulfillment in a relationship.

In psychology, it is generally accepted that first love is not forgotten. And this is understandable, because everything that happens to a person for the first time is stored in memory for a long time.

All subsequent relationships are automatically compared to the first love. It rarely turns into anything serious. Because of this, there is a certain understatement and incompleteness.

Signs of love

Love is a long gradual process. It can begin with friendship, sympathy or love, but it is a deeper, more reliable and lasting feeling.
Love is based more on actions than emotions. During this period, people already know well what will make their partner happy. And through their actions they show their love: they care, take responsibility for the family, and so on.
A person is consciously in a love relationship with a loved one; his feelings arise from the depths of his soul, and not from strong passion or infatuation. Affection, mutual trust, respect, and devotion arise between loving people.
Feelings that encourage you to care about another person and take into account his interests. True love means the willingness to live with a person without trying to change him in accordance with your ideal.
Love is the result of deeply getting to know each other, understanding the pain points and “angles” of the partner’s character, and intentionally building communication in such a way that it proceeds with maximum pleasure and efficiency for both.

How to learn to love?

Are there people who don't know how to love? Unfortunately, similar situations happen in life among men and women. Why do some people not know how to love? It is natural and obvious that a person needs love, but not everyone can build harmonious relationships; they try to oppress their partner or become victims themselves.

The reason may be personal characteristics - increased selfishness or mental deviations, as well as lack of confidence.

What people don't know how to love? A person who does not know how to love is often fixated on his own self, thinks only about personal interests , perhaps did not have an example of a good family, or vice versa - he was spoiled in childhood and got used to the whole world revolving around him. It is important to learn to observe a potential partner, learn about life experience, observe relationships in the family, this way you can see a potential “tyrant” who requires only self-love.

Why don't people know how to love? The main reasons for the inability to love are fear of showing feelings, reluctance or ignorance, although less often . A person with high self-esteem finds real feelings difficult; it seems to him that no one deserves to be around, and people with low self-esteem, on the contrary, end up in dependent relationships, where they are suppressed and oppressed.

Unfortunately, not every person knows how to love, perhaps the reason is in upbringing and inability to express feelings or in ignorance of the language of love. To love means to live the life of another person, to think about his interests, to show attention and care, but often people get hung up on personal interests.

People who do not know how to love are usually unhappy themselves; they do not understand that love is the light that illuminates the life of the lover and the beloved. People who constantly criticize, discuss, and live in negativity do not have the opportunity to find happiness, become good partners, spouses.

The main differences between love and infatuation

People often find themselves confusing infatuation with love, mistaking temporary infatuation for true deep feelings, or missing out on true love in search of permanent passion. To avoid such self-deception, study the following basic differences between love and infatuation:

Duration of feelings. Love doesn't happen overnight, it's an ever-growing process. It is predictable and logical, since it arises between family and friends. Falling in love is random, a person never knows when he might fall in love. This feeling appears suddenly, like a flash, but over time it can disappear just as fleetingly. Falling in love does not necessarily last long as it is based on infatuation or passion. A crush can fade quickly, but love grows stronger over time.
Perception of disadvantages. Loving people know and accept the shortcomings of their other halves. They are ready to live with a person, accepting him with all his shortcomings. Falling in love blinds people, so they do not notice the shortcomings of the objects of their infatuation and consider them flawless. There is no illusion in love: you love the other person for who he really is.
Emotions . When falling in love, people experience a strong emotional outburst, and feelings of love are based on actions. Even though the emotions may be more intense, true love is much stronger than falling in love.
The power of feelings. Falling in love is relatively superficial, love is a very deep feeling. Loving relationships are characterized by trust, respect, and devotion, which may not be fully manifested or absent when falling in love.
Love is a calmer feeling than falling in love. Falling in love makes you want to spend all your time with a person. Loving means giving personal space to a person and trusting him.
Willingness to overcome difficulties. The bond between people in love may not be strong enough to withstand difficulties. The bond between loving people is so strong that it allows them to cope with life's problems and, no matter what, always stay together.
Relationship perspective. Falling in love occurs at the initial stage of a relationship, sooner or later it passes. Love is a long-term feeling that does not go away. True love stands the test of time.

Types of love in psychology

There are several types of manifestations of love in psychology. Each of them has the right to exist. Sometimes several types are combined at once. The classification has been developed since the times of Ancient Greece, but has not lost its relevance to this day.

In psychology, it is customary to distinguish the following types of love:

Consumer love. Based on mutual benefit. A person may be interested in money, intimacy, or attention.
Infatuation. Develops against the background of sexual desire. This is what often leads to the birth of a family. Some couples manage to maintain passion in their relationship for a long time.
Friendly love. Based on mutual respect and common interests. It is also considered a good option for creating a family union.
Rational love. Involves a reasonable approach to creating relationships. It is based on the need for comfort. In such relationships, the social roles of the partners are clearly distributed.
Storge is love formed on a sense of duty. As a rule, we are talking about long-term relationships that have become a habit.
Agape is a type of selfless love like that which a mother has for her children. It is based on devotion and complete dedication.

Similarities between love and infatuation

The main similarities between these feelings:

the presence of strong sympathy for a person, attraction;
fear of parting with the chosen one;
fear that something might happen to him;
desire to help, support;
the desire to be a confidant for the chosen one.

Love and infatuation have a lot in common because they have a common basis and common goals, but it depends only on the couple how long the feelings will last and what they will bring with them.

How can you feel for a friend?

What are your feelings towards a friend? It happens that a person does not even suspect the existence of friendship, but he is drawn to someone, he is overwhelmed with feelings, and begins to fantasize:

I am drawn to this man in a brotherly way.
We just have a normal relationship.
We are just work colleagues.
I am interested in spending time with this person, etc.

At the same time, anxiety is felt, on a subconscious level, anxiety, guilt. These doubts can completely ruin relationships. It becomes especially uncomfortable when this friendship is mistakenly perceived as love. In this case, friends may think about further developing the relationship, even sexual, or simply break up.

But in any case, the feeling of a friend’s elbow in many cases instills confidence that you are not alone, you feel the support of a friend. This means that in return he can receive the same friendly devotion.

What is this feeling: love or infatuation?

Based on the results of numerous studies, psychologists have identified the top factors that help a person, in theory, distinguish falling in love from love:

Idealizing a partner is a sure sign of falling in love. A person in love never takes offense at the object of his love and is ready to forgive all shortcomings in the character and actions of his loved one.
A difficult breakup. Lovers endure short-term separation painfully; long-term separation can kill this feeling.
The desire to own a person. People tend to feel jealous. It appears because a person wants to possess the object of his love undividedly.
Suddenness of sensations. This mainly concerns “love at first sight”. Despite the name, a person still experiences love. Feelings come suddenly and cause severe emotional shock.

If a person decides to identify relationships through tests, then this is an inherently bad idea. Feelings can only be determined by the internal sensations and emotionality that a person experiences for his soulmate.

Formula of love: how feelings arise

“Love will come unexpectedly”... Sounds beautiful. But maybe everything is not so unexpected? On the contrary, is love a complex biological calculation? Today, scientists have established at least four mechanisms for the emergence of love. They are probably all involved in one way or another. In what proportions - everything is individual.

The results of scientific research are illustrated by real stories from our readers, which they shared in the online community “City of Women” on the “KP” blogpost and in their diaries.

Chemistry and life

“I remember one girl amazed me at a school disco. And especially her perfume. When I danced with her, I could not enjoy her closeness. She wasn't a beauty, but there was something about her! Then I wanted to see her off, but she had already left. I could not forget her smell and walked around as if spellbound. One day we met, and - again this subtle aroma - I asked her what kind of perfume it was. “I don’t wear perfume,” she said. And soon I realized that I fell in love.”

Ravil.

We met when I was already married. He was 20 years older than me. I had absolutely no intention of doing anything like that, but something pushed me, some inner force, maybe his smell... In a fit of adventurism, I couldn’t resist and came to visit him. We slept together, and for the first time in my life I experienced a vaginal orgasm. In the morning I told my first husband that I was leaving him. Then there were six months of crazy sex, in addition, he was smart, caring, gallant, after a couple of weeks we mutually declared our love. Two years later I became pregnant and gave birth to a wonderful daughter. But after she turned one year old, he began to drink irrepressibly, scandals, coldness and even insults began to arise on the basis of his jealousy, sex was like a holiday, at best, once a month. After another blatant drunken incident, I couldn’t stand it and got divorced and went to live with my mother. We lived together for about seven years. I probably still love love. Transcendental.

prekrasnople4a.

Dr. Fliess, a friend of Freud, discovered the nasal organ, which is responsible for the perception of pheromones of the opposite sex. These are two tiny antennae-shaped receptors that are located at the bottom of the nasal cavity. It is they, these “antennae”, that recognize how ideally a given individual suits you from a biochemical point of view. In cases where they say that love is blind, pheromones probably played a huge role.

Each of us has our own biochemical composition. And pheromones themselves do not smell at all. We feel the “formula” that suits us literally at the level of sympathy. Well, you like this person, his clothes, smell, appearance - and that’s it! Even if he says stupid things and is not dressed very stylishly.

This is how nature tells us: if you converge on a biochemical level, you are more likely to have good offspring.

By the way, what’s interesting: with the help of pheromone molecules, you can even read thoughts. You can feel a bad attitude towards you, even if the person smiles from ear to ear and says compliments? Human thoughts, if you like, also “smell.” Positively minded people attract other positive people because they “smell” in the same direction. Thoughts are also transmitted to others using pheromones, so there is what is called group dynamics.

All this is a reason to think once again that the world is not so bad. And, for example, unhappy unrequited love is just an example of the fact that you are not suitable for each other. There is no, you know, biochemical resonance. This means that somewhere there is someone or someone with whom he will be.

We are of the same blood

“We had an attraction at first sight. Well, it took another two hours of conversation “about nothing” to make sure that yes, everything would end in a wedding. I realized: I would have to talk to this person for a long, long time and not get enough. Perhaps it will last a lifetime. We have been together for 7 years, 6 of them with a stamp. I hope this is just the beginning."

Babyashkina.

The effect of unity, when there is something to talk about, is created due to the fact that people, as a rule, grew up in the same social environment and have similar family scenarios. There are exceptions when people find in each other a continuation and complement of themselves.

Most often, such stories happen to people who have the talent of an everyday psychologist. They intuitively use scientific techniques of “active listening.” For example, “paraphrase” is when the interlocutor’s main idea is repeated in a slightly modified version. Or “question-echo” - when the last phrase is repeated word for word in the form of a question. There are also such universal linking words. It is enough to sometimes insert “I understand, I understand” or “well, yes, yes”, “of course, naturally” - and the person will consider you a like-minded person.

There is also the so-called transfer of feelings effect. If you listen carefully about the feelings of another, then the person, as it were, transfers his feelings to you. An interesting example: a man is about to get a divorce and tells his wife that he loves someone else. And if she listens carefully to his monologue about feelings, then in 7 out of 10 cases he will stay with his wife. He will transfer to her the feelings that he felt for his mistress.

Well, a man listening to a woman with interest is generally one of the most secret erotic fantasies of women. Happiness is when you are understood.

And laughter and sin

“And I fell in love with my husband at first sight... He sat on the windowsill in the dorm with his then girlfriend and joked. We didn’t know each other yet, but looking at him, I understood with some sixth sense: we will be together.”

BelAchka.

First, laughter stimulates the production of endorphins. Once you make a successful joke, you automatically give the signal: “I’m fine!” And the ability to humor is a sign of healthy frontal lobes of the cerebral cortex. Now it’s clear why girls and women are able to forgive a joker a lot and fall in love automatically.

Secondly, it creates the illusion that a cheerful person can easily solve problems. After all, laughter is the highest form of defensive reaction. Subconsciously, we know all this, but we confuse the ability to be witty and the ability to defend ourselves with humor from adversity. Although this combination also happens.

In turn, a smiling woman is a strong sexual signal for a man. This goes on from early childhood. A mother's smile is like a caress for a child. She smiles at me, which means she cares about me. And a funny girl, ready to laugh at any joke, is generally a dream. After all, with her you can literally feel like a giant of thought.

EVERYTHING REMARK

Dasha ZAVGORODNAYA: Why and who do we love?

There is no doubt: various pheromones and effects greatly decorate a person’s personality. But for as long as I can remember, I have fallen in love with men whose pheromones and effects left much to be desired. Yes, their pheromones were no good at all! Two of them smothered themselves in such colognes that they had to sneeze and blow their nose, the third always walked around slightly drunk and emitted only the exhaust characteristic of his condition. And, it seems, he didn’t wash often. With the “unity effect” we had a complete nightmare: they all dreamed of the top of the social ladder, and they perceived me as an annoying obstacle on the way to these heights. And yet they seemed unusually beautiful to me... The main word is “unusual.” There was something about these men that made you look at them a second time, and a third, and a fourth time. And fall in love. They had ordinary noses, lacked powerful muscles and a sexy beard. And they absolutely did not look like my dad! And they didn’t even look like their grandfather. Something else attracted me. Completely beyond science. I still can't understand why I fell in love so much. And why is love evil, and goats take advantage of it so often? Although it’s still good that science does not stand still and opens up new ways for us to like each other. I'll go buy myself some feminine shoes. Otherwise everyone is wearing sneakers and sneakers.

The external reflects the internal

“I fell in love instantly when I saw her huge eyes. Then - into everything else. We've been together for 3.5 years. Happy (me at least). The relationship is awesome. And we are artificially dogging. Dear ones scold, well, you know..."

le-himique.

I had been on the construction team for several days already, and now a new “portion” of students arrived. The door opened and the new guys looked into our girls' room. I saw only HIM - my future husband. Fell in love at first sight. He says so too. We dated for two years, then got married. Married 17 years. I don't know why I fell in love then. Most likely, he really liked the look. Tall blond with blue eyes. Then it turned out that he was terribly smart.

Natalia_veselaya:

Our brains are programmed for certain signals. In general, nature has given the prerogative of choice to women, so in fact it is they who choose who to fall in love with. Men also have preferences, but they are so contradictory! Most women have very similar ideas about the “ideal male”. While for men it’s all about taste. This one likes them skinny, this one likes them plump. But they want to fall in love with someone who, it seems to them, is capable of loving them herself.

There is such a concept in psychology - “imprinting”. This phenomenon was first discovered by the Austrian zoologist Konrad Lorenz while observing animals. The first moving object they see in the first hours of life is imprinted in their minds as the image of their parents. So, he mocked the ducklings. Instead of a duck, he walked past them with a pillow. And the ducklings obediently went for the pillow and began to consider it their mother, but did not react to the real one.

In humans, the imprinting mechanism is activated during a crisis transition period. Some external image is imprinted as an ideal partner. This becomes a setting for a specific type, and that’s it! It's very difficult to beat her off.

Love is an emotion and its three components

Thanks to the brain scanning technique, H. Fisher, a doctor of anthropology from the USA, was able to divide love into three main components of emotion - attachment, lust and passion.

Lust is a sexual passion , and its physical expression is controlled by the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is a special part of the brain that weighs on average about 4 ½ grams. When hormones enter the hypothalamus, namely testosterone, they activate sexual activity. If we take into account the fact that in men, unlike women, the hypothalamus is larger in size, and also produces 10 or even 20 times more testosterone, then it becomes clear why men have a much greater sexual desire than women .
Craving is the brain's attempt to connect with a possible partner. This emotion is so strong that sometimes it causes very strong euphoria. During this stage, strong chemicals are released that cause a feeling of high. Dopamine creates a feeling of prosperity, serotonin gives stability to emotions, and norepinephrine inspires, giving confidence in all endeavors.
When reality becomes stronger than passionate attraction, then the partners separate, or stage 3 will occur - attachment , on the basis of which a connection is built that is strong enough and long-lasting for raising children together.