Every divorced person wonders how long it will take to get over a divorce, recover from it, and how to do it as easily as possible. Often when a relationship ends, you feel like you've lost something important. Even if you are the one asking for a divorce, it can be difficult to walk away from the life you've built with your partner over several or even many years.
You may want the pain to stop as soon as possible, but the point is that everyone has to go through the healing process, and moving on takes time. And while psychologists believe that on average, for every five to seven years of marriage, it takes one year to fully get over your divorce and move on, there are several factors that influence your psychological healing after divorce, and depending on their favorable nature, recovery may occur more quickly. or slower.
Relationship status
Clearly, if you are getting a divorce, your relationship was less than ideal. However, the speed of recovery after divorce is influenced by the actual state of your relationship. That is, if between you and your ex-husband or wife there were not only negative moments, but also prosperous periods, or if you were truly happy in your marriage and do not know what exactly led to the divorce, it will be much more difficult to accept it. However, if your relationship was terrible and your husband or wife treated you badly, such as betraying you, you may find that you can easily get over the divorce and move on with your life.
Why
Every married couple has their own reasons for divorce. Let's list the main ones:
1. Adultery.
Men tend to look at younger, more attractive women. Tries to assert himself. A woman is looking for attention, love, admiring glances, and compliments. Sometimes, after having a good time, spouses return and family life continues.
2. Lack of true love.
Perhaps the marriage was a mistake. We made a mistake in choosing a partner, mistaking sexual attraction for a deep feeling. There is nothing in common between husband and wife. It happens that love fades over the years.
3. Material and everyday problems.
Lack of funds, like great wealth, can destroy even a strong family.
4. Business, career, work.
If one of the spouses devotes his free time and weekends to work, forgetting about home and children, the marriage is doomed. A large salary and a successful career are not able to compensate for the lack of attention and communication. People become strangers over time.
5. Old age.
A plump figure, wrinkles, and gray hair are annoying, reminding one of age. I would like to see a young beautiful creature nearby, and not an aging, sick wife. A woman's aging husband makes her want to be surrounded by care and attention. A man most often looks for a replacement.
The reasons for divorce are different - the result is the same: suffering, broken destinies. Therefore, you should not rush, but you should not live without mutual feelings. Life continues after a divorce from my husband.
Children
If you have children together or children who consider your ex-husband or wife to be their parent, this can complicate the divorce process. Since the partnership ends after a divorce and the parenting relationship does not, you will have to learn to negotiate with your ex-husband or wife for the benefit of the children. You may have to talk to him/her almost daily, or see him/her at school or extracurricular activities. And even if you and your ex-spouse seem to be having an easy time co-parenting children, this constant interaction can make getting over your divorce more difficult.
Shock
This is the shortest phrase, rarely exceeding 10 days in length, since the woman’s body, blocking the flow of negative information and maintaining her sanity, instantly turns on defensive reactions, one of the elements of which is “disbelief.” During this period, which comes immediately after the husband informs his wife of his intentions, the girl’s consciousness seems to abstract from reality, and she refuses to believe what happened.
If the husband, having expressed his desire out loud, still continues to live under the same roof with his wife, the shock stage will be less acute and will quickly move to the next phase, because the presence of the husband will constantly remind of what happened. It’s another matter when a man, having reported the news, immediately leaves the house, leaving his ex-wife alone with this information. In this case, the woman will hope for his return and refuse to believe in the finality of the breakup for much longer - up to 4-6 weeks.
Your identity
Everyone is different, and therefore everyone needs their own time to get over a divorce. If you are a strong personality, if you are a fighter, if you adapt well to change, you will be able to get through divorce much faster. On the other hand, if you are used to being submissive to your spouse, staying silent and not expressing what bothers you or needs, or if you do not adapt well to rapid change, you will have a much harder time going through a divorce. If you have the second personality type, consulting a psychologist will help you become stronger and more resilient.
Work on mistakes
If we have ended a relationship, it is important to understand our mistakes. Ask yourself questions: “What was I wrong about?”, “Based on what scenario did I choose such a partner?”
After all, we often see the problem only in the man, and we do not notice our internal blocks, attitudes, and parental systems. And we take out the accumulated negativity on our husband or children.
It is important not to step on the same rake, not to make the same mistakes. We need to analyze what went wrong in the relationship?
And you can start with the free course “Man: Honest Instructions.” After all, without knowing the principles on which relationships are built, the fundamentals of psychology, it is very difficult to independently identify the true reasons for the destruction of a marriage.
For example, a woman had an excellent relationship with her dad: he was her friend, adviser, and closest person. This may be related to his past.
He had a woman before his mother, with whom the relationship remained unfinished. And he transferred these feelings to his daughter, she took them into her relationship with a man - and therefore her marriage ended in divorce.
A man as a partner can build harmonious relationships only with a mature person.
- A woman should have knowledge of her purpose.
- What are its strengths and weaknesses.
- What does she want from life?
She must respect and value herself - then these feelings will be projected onto other people.
When a woman says “I gave him everything I could. I sacrificed the best years of my life” – where is the respect here? This is a typical sacrificial position. A sacrifice no one asked for.
In relationships there is always a reason why we don't hear each other. We grew up in different systems, with different attitudes.
His mother was a great cook, but you hate standing at the stove. Your dad always found time to be with his beloved daughter, but a man prefers to pay off with gifts.
Each partner subconsciously wants to see that part of the past that he is missing. You have a different love language.
For relationships, it is very important to lovingly do what the other person likes, without devaluing yourself. We weren't taught this. We saw the sacrifice of our mothers and grandmothers, who devoted their lives to their husbands and children, and lost their feminine energy.
And we live with the same attitude. And the man says: “I want to see the woman I married. Whose eyes sparkled, who inspired and attracted me. I don’t need a submissive victim.”
When a woman gets married, she often changes. She begins to demand, expects that the man will belong only to her, that he will change for her sake.
A man belongs to the world. And when he feels free, he belongs to you. Stop being afraid of losing him, don't control him, don't impose yourself - and he won't get away from you.
Become free, fulfilled, cheerful, light. If you have value, dignity, self-sufficiency, self-confidence, you will never allow a man to humiliate you.
You will not enter into a toxic relationship, you will not attract a tyrant or a doormat. You need to learn this - then there will be much fewer divorces.
How do you deal with emotions?
You will face a range of emotions while going through a divorce. You are likely to experience anger, resentment, abandonment, betrayal, sadness, loss, grief and possibly depression. Sometimes you may even feel nostalgic, adding to your sense of loss. How you deal with these emotions will determine how long it will take you to truly get over your divorce and cope with its consequences. If you suppress your emotions and don't deal with them, it will take you much longer to move on. Below are a few ways to cope with your emotions that will reduce the time it takes to get over your divorce.
- Set your priorities. During the divorce process, you may be tempted to wallow in emotions or depression, but real life is still going on around you. You need to work, perform household chores, take care of your health, and a thousand other little things that you need to do while you and your ex-spouse are sharing your family's legacy. Setting priorities, perhaps using to-do lists, will help you avoid falling into deeper depression. If this does not help, seek professional help , since divorce is a real loss and the depression provoked by it can develop into a full-fledged disorder.
- Minimize flashbacks. As soon as possible, remove old photographs and memorabilia that remind you of your ex-husband or wife. Constantly stumbling upon memorabilia can make you feel lost and alone much more often. By leaving these things out of your mind, you are signaling to your brain that you are moving on and letting go of the past.
- Talk to a loved one. If you have a good friend or significant other who can listen to your concerns and be supportive (without making you feel worse), talk to them about your emotions and what is going on regarding the divorce. Sometimes, even if they don't help you make decisions or don't know the right answers, it can help you feel better by reducing your emotional stress. The only caveat: this support must be either positive or silent, or at least not harmful. If you don't have a good support system, you should seek help from a psychologist.
- Self-service. Self-care is always important, but its value is especially heightened when you're going through a major loss and life change, such as divorce. Make sure you take proper and sufficient care of yourself as you cannot pour from an empty jug. This may include having a routine of work and rest that helps you maintain your health and mental well-being, or, for example, swimming, yoga or other activities that support your mental and physical well-being.
How does a girl feel after breaking up with her boyfriend or breaking up with her husband?
Women by nature are characterized by excessive emotionality and sensitivity . Everything related to relationships is experienced many times more strongly by the fair sex than by men.
The characteristics of the reaction to a breakup largely depend on the model of building social relationships that the woman is accustomed to following:
If a woman is used to constantly taking care of her partner, a breakup literally destroys her life.
The need for guardianship is so strong that the girl will literally begin to go crazy and will try by any means to return her partner or find a replacement for him.- A woman leader who is accustomed to independently managing everyday life, organizing leisure time, and solving financial issues will deny her partner’s opinion in every possible way.
When they break up, such girls turn into real trackers: they track down not only their ex-man, but also potential competitors, taking brutal measures to suppress any activity on their part.These women are not suffering from depression after a breakup, but are trying to regain control over their ex.
- Some representatives of the fair half of humanity are convinced that they are so unique and irresistible that the chosen lucky one is simply obliged to be there at the first call. The separation leaves them in deep shock. Girls blame only their exes and fall into real depression, prone to demonstrative hysterics and complaints to others.
- Women who are prone to self-sacrifice will not start scandals or persecute their exes, but it will be very difficult to survive the breakup. Giving themselves completely to their loved one, they count on reciprocity. When the rule becomes an exception, girls stop taking care of themselves, will not try to get distracted, and often remain alone for a long time.
How to survive a divorce
As you can see, there are many factors that influence your emotional recovery after divorce. However, there are some things you can do to speed up the process. General rules for dealing with divorce will help you recover faster and move on.
It is forbidden:
- Don't try to face grief alone. Ask for help.
- Don't suppress your thoughts and feelings.
- Don't rely on others to tell you what you need or do.
- Don't ignore your problems and don't expect them to go away.
- Don't pretend you're doing well if you're not.
- Don't feel bad about your thoughts and emotions.
Need to:
- Ask for help and let people help you.
- Talk about your experiences and emotions with others.
- Get as much information as possible about the divorce process, both legally and psychologically.
- Meet each obstacle or problem as it arises.
- Allow yourself to feel and think about what is happening without judging yourself.
- Accept your new normal and your new life.
- Be optimistic and believe that everything will work out as it should.
- Be prepared to make a mistake without judging yourself harshly for it.
Let's sum it up
So, let’s summarize how to start a new life after a divorce from your husband. Remember and follow the rules:
- Set a time frame for tears and suffering. We say: “In two weeks I will return to normal life.”
- Plan each day with enjoyable activities.
- Communicate with friends, family, children, colleagues.
- Conduct an honest self-analysis so you don't repeat the same mistakes.
- Don't be afraid of new relationships.
Forget age. Love yourself. Enjoy an unexpected gift of fate: freedom and independence. A confident, self-sufficient woman’s personal life is bound to improve.
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Psychological assistance during divorce
Going through a divorce can be extremely draining, especially if you are trying to deal with it on your own. Instead, you should seek professional help to cope with the trauma of divorce in healthy ways.
A psychologist or therapist can help you before, during, or after your divorce. If you do not have the time or opportunity to personally seek help, in our center you can get an online consultation with a qualified family psychologist .
Read more in the article “Help from a psychologist during divorce” (types of help, advice to former spouses, parents and children in a situation of divorce).
Ph.D., family psychologist Nadezhda Miroslavovna Baltsiy
Phases of experiencing a breakup
How can a woman survive a divorce? Documented divorce is not actually the beginning of the psychological experiences of the weaker half, because this episode is preceded by a number of steps taken by the couple after the spouse’s decision was announced. As a rule, the very fact of the final signing of all formal papers occurs already in the second critical phase of a woman’s condition, especially if the spouses stopped living together immediately after a difficult conversation.
There are no strict deadlines for any of the four essential stages of a girl’s awareness of her new situation, so how long women who find themselves in a similar situation survive a divorce will depend on many nuances.
Conscious suffering
From the numerous stories of women who have undergone divorce, it is clear that the next phase, when the abandoned wife begins to fully understand what happened, is a time of mental anguish and torment. This stage has little to do with introspection, but already contains attempts to “recognize trouble in person.”
A woman experiences feelings of guilt and aggression at the same time, tries to find those to blame for the breakdown of relationships, and often during this period breaks family and friendly ties with people, in her opinion, involved in the tragedy. The second phase is characterized by the following:
- self-deprecation of the individual;
- feeling resentful towards everyone;
- hysterical emotional outbursts;
- conscious reduction in the standard of one’s life (“self-flagellation”).
This phase usually takes from two to four months, unless the woman chooses alcohol or other means of oblivion as a solution to the problem, prolonging the torment indefinitely.
The end of the stage of “conscious suffering,” as psychologists have found, comes with a woman’s understanding of a simple truth - both in the formation of relationships and in their destruction, the efforts of both partners are always involved. This means that it is wrong to blame only yourself for what happened.
Great Lover
When Veronica married Vadim four years ago, all her relatives and friends considered this step as utter stupidity...
Vadim was handsome, but in their small village he had a reputation as a talker, an egoist, and most importantly, an incorrigible womanizer. After a year and a half, the family union was indeed dissolved: the young woman was tired of forgiving her husband’s endless infidelities. However, having ceased to be spouses, the young people remained lovers.
“Vadim is really not suitable for the role of a husband. But this man knows how to please a woman. I can no longer imagine my life without his warm hugs,” Veronica says with an embarrassed smile.
Transforming your life for the better
How can a woman survive a divorce without losing herself and gaining in external attractiveness? Many girls recommend:
- Visit a cosmetologist and makeup artist. It is not at all necessary to use all the decorative cosmetics from the arsenal recommended by the latter; it is enough to see yourself once in the mirror after the work of a makeup artist and be positively charged with the feeling of your beauty.
- Change your hairstyle and make it a point to visit your hairdresser every month. Buy cosmetics.
- Save or borrow a significant amount so as not to deny yourself what you need, and go to another city or country for a week. The best option is to take an unmarried friend with you.
- Remove from your wardrobe all the things that evoke exciting associations with events from your past life, and buy clothes (even inexpensive ones) that would better suit the inner world of a freed, open nature.
- Make some rearrangements in the apartment and plan cosmetic repairs for the near future, and it’s better to do it step by step, enjoying the process itself.
- Sign up for a gym or dance class. From the very beginning, you should make an internal vow not to miss classes and to work in such a way as to constantly and dynamically improve your results.
One of the best tips on how a woman can survive a divorce without serious psychological distress is to get more sleep. In the first time after breaking up, you need to devote all your free time to sleep. If a girl follows this advice, within a few days she will feel rested and full of healthy energy.
