Hello, dear readers! Any separation, be it reluctance to date after 3 weeks of dating or divorce after 10 years of marriage, is a sharp and painful change in life. Especially if there were real feelings in the relationship, there was passion, love, and then these feelings simply disappeared for the initiator of the break. Scientists have long been trying to derive a universal formula that would help the abandoned party understand how long it takes to survive a breakup with a loved one, but people are so different that this is a particularly difficult task.
But although the task is complex, experts have already prepared more than one scenario that allows them to at least approximately calculate the time for the end of suffering. And psychologists are always ready with useful advice on how to bring the day of liberation closer. It is also useful to remind everyone who has “freed themselves” from a relationship that there is life ahead, and the ex is not the center of the Universe. At least, this is where a psychotherapy session begins for those who are looking for an urgent “pill” that relieves mental pain. We’ll talk about everything in order in this blog article.
First of all…
Before moving on to calculations about how long suffering lasts after a breakup, it’s worth literally calming down. You need to learn how to behave correctly after a breakup, and then you will have the opportunity to choose whether to agree to restore the union or continue your path, non-toxically ending an outdated relationship. It is necessary to organize in the head and heart the chaos that formed after the words of the partner. And this is possible only by understanding the psychological mechanisms on which any union is built, to identify and realize the mistakes made.
It’s easier, of course, to go to a psychologist who will methodically help you overcome internal attitudes, but if you try, you can understand 3 important things on your own:
- Parting is far from the end of life.
- Time, which drags on so painfully, actually only works for you.
- The only correct behavior now is to leave your ex-partner alone.
And then comes something more complicated. You need to understand, and most importantly, accept that the person no longer needs you, has completely abandoned you, abandoned you. You need to feel resentment, pain, those feelings that will help you pull your own dignity from the bottom and stop calling, writing, scrolling through your feed and in every possible way energetically feeding your ex. You need to disappear completely from social networks, from places where you can cross paths and finally forget his number. Now calls only cause disgust and hostility, and this time must be waited out in silence.
It is clear that too little time has passed since the breakup, the pain does not go away, it presses, but at this time the partner is also subject to universal laws. So, while you are away, time erases everything bad from his memory, interrupting him with happy and alluring nostalgia. After just 3-5 weeks, he will begin to remember you more often and even miss you. And the longer the silence remains, the more he is pulled back. That is why correct behavior is so important, to let natural processes take their course. And what is important, when He (she) writes, and He (she) will definitely do it, it is necessary to continue to remain silent for some more time. Several retries for sure.
Top 5 Best Exercises to Get Over a Breakup
Breaking up is not easy or carefree for anyone; it is stressful for both participants in the relationship; however, there are useful exercises to ease the experience. They will help you understand the reasons for the separation, allow you to understand lessons and gain experience.
Important! The exercises must be performed when the first and most severe pain has already subsided, and you are able to reason soberly and calmly.
Let's look at 5 main ones:
- Start from the beginning. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write the story of your acquaintance, your first meeting, how your relationship developed at the “dawn”. Focus on your feelings and emotions that you experienced towards your partner during meetings, dates, and at the beginning of your life together. Give a separate place to the item “unfulfilled dreams” or what hopes you had with this person.
Perhaps already at this stage you will be able to catch several points that foreshadowed failures and problems in the future. These may be various character traits or behaviors of you and/or your partner.
- In your next letter, describe how that same relationship developed. Start by describing yourself, just outside of this relationship. How you lived at the time you met, what you dreamed of, what you wanted to achieve and receive. Write what at that moment you could offer your couple, and what she could offer you.
Just imagine that you are making a film about your life and love. Tell us about the reasons for the breakup. For example, perhaps at the beginning of the relationship, you needed support, approval and help, and later you outgrew it and found strength in yourself. Or another example, you were connected by strong passion, incomparable sex, but after a few years the emotions subsided, and nothing else in common appeared.
- Analyze the breakup itself on paper. Describe the moment when the realization of the end came, how you felt at the same time. Don't be shy in your expressions, don't choose phrases. Write from the heart everything that boiled over, everything that brought pain.
Describe your fears, feelings of guilt - when they appeared, in what form; your actions and words towards your partner. This will allow you to identify mistakes, shortcomings and learn from them. Write to yourself, support yourself, get rid of guilt, you need to forgive yourself before starting a new life.
- Thankful letter. Now write lines of praise. Remember all the good moments, the emotions associated with them, joyful meetings, happy periods. Thank your ex for this.
- The last letter is the most important. Assess your current reality, opportunities and prospects. Answer the question: what kind of person do you want to see next to you in the future?
An important rule for all exercises is that you must be extremely sincere with yourself, no one will ever see these letters. Once you have worked through each exercise, feel free to burn, tear and delete these memories. If the pain from separation does not go away, exercises, advice, etc. do not help. There is no desire to live at all, you can’t raise your hands and you want to cry all the time, contact a specialist, don’t delay.
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"Magic" formula
If you have already dealt with incorrect behavior after a breakup, if there is no turning back or the relationship was toxic, and you yourself understand this and do not want to go back, but still love, then you need to look for options on how to come to terms with the breakup. Here, for the most pedantic, experts have come up with a formula. There are no practical reviews on how true it is, but just for fun, you can calculate the outcome.
So: x/2 + j + (lt) + k/2 + r, where
- x - time spent together;
- j is an indicator that depends on the reasons for the gap, so if everything is extremely clear and explainable, j = 0, if not, then j = x/3;
- l - depends on the type of character, for soft and whiny ones we set 4, for “flints” 0;
- t - characterizes the presence of a new partner, if there is one t = x/3, if still single, then t = 0;
- k is the number of visits to scroll through his social media feed per day;
- r - those who block the sending of personal messages for the ex, then open it, r = 3, who have decided on this approach and do not change anything r = 0.
Total: the result should be a number indicating how much time it still takes to move on from a breakup.
How long can depression last and what are the dangers of depression after a breakup?
How long can depression last after a breakup? The situation depends on the following factors: willpower, emotional state, desire of the person himself, state and type of nervous system.
Factors aggravating the situation: memories and desires associated with the partner. Thoughts about the past are destructive in the present. The desire to return everything back slows down the rehabilitation process - the person gets stuck in his depression.
Conclusion: depression after a breakup will last as long as the person himself is ready to live with it. There was a desire to get out of a depressive state - it will take no more than a month. To do this, you need to take a number of steps.
Depression and suffering are justified, and they cannot be avoided by a person who loves, but has experienced the betrayal of a partner. A sudden and painful breakup inevitably entails difficult and depressing thoughts. People who did not expect separation and did not have the opportunity to prepare for an unpleasant situation suffer especially. Did the breakup happen because of a love triangle? Depression after a breakup risks prolonging.
You yourself regulate the speed of “recovery” from an ended romance or marriage. Stop looking for meetings with your ex-partner, thinking about him, stalking him on social networks, and the like. Make a decision to get out of the current situation.
Causes of long suffering
For those who think more logically and do not believe in generalized calculations, like horoscopes, it is worth turning to analysis. Psychologists have identified a number of factors that directly affect the duration of the most profound experiences. After all, each person is unique, as are his feelings. Here is a list of reasons, equally relevant for both guys and girls, which, according to experts, prevents you from getting over a breakup with the person you love:
- Obsessive thoughts.
Scrolling through your head of a possible scenario for the development of events, nightly hysterics due to melancholy and loneliness, constantly checking your email and profile will not allow you to get out of the whirlpool of pessimism and mental pain. As long as the ex remains “the one and only,” the feeling of futility and lack of hope will continue to be present for years.
Solution: accept the situation, admit to yourself honestly that it was not you who did the wrong thing, but your partner simply stopped having tender feelings.
- Catastrophization.
He/she left and the world collapsed, the sky became cloudy and things couldn’t get any better. Every day the worst scenario of a lonely old age plays out in my head; I have no desire to take care of myself, go to work/study, or communicate with friends.
The solution: turn the flow of thoughts into a different direction, force yourself to get up in the morning and go where you can find pleasure. This could be a skydive or a cooking class. You need a hobby, passion.
- The illusion of reunion.
The thought that this is just a test, and everything will soon get better like in the Brazilian series, gives false hope. You need to learn to let go and honestly admit to yourself that everything is over and nothing can be returned. But this is not bad, it is a step into the future that we ourselves do not allow ourselves to take. Staying faithful and waiting for the cherished call is like putting yourself in prison.
Exit: cut off all contacts, including casual meetings.
- Refusal to help.
Few people know how a married man feels when his mistress leaves him. And why? Because he cannot tell anyone about his experiences, no one can give him a different point of view, show him the situation from the outside. Those who have separated officially, publicly, can use the advice of loved ones. Just don’t stand on your hind legs when you hear something you don’t want. From the outside, mistakes can sometimes be seen much better.
Exit: close friends will be a vest only the first time, then there will be a series of analysis and unflattering words and comments. You need to listen to them and not isolate yourself.
Why are you in so much pain
Scientists have noticed Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain: when a person looks at a photograph of a former partner, the insula and somatosensory cortex are activated in his brain - the structures responsible for transmitting information about physical pain. Their activation can predict the presence of pain by 88%.
A person with a broken heart does not feel physical pain, but at the same time experiences mental or, if you like, mental pain.
Just like physical pain, mental pain cannot be ignored; there is no way to drown it out with painkillers or eliminate the cause.
Is everything really so hopeless and only time can heal a broken heart? It is true, but at least you can do something to alleviate this condition.
And I love a married man...
Every fairy tale has its ending. Once you become a lover, you have to pay for it. Some pay with wasted years, others with shattered nerves and lost self-esteem. In any case, statistics inexorably paint prospects that make you want to run away from your married man. So, out of the total number of extramarital affairs, only 5% of men leave their families for the sake of a mistress, and no matter what he says about love and eternity.
So how can a girl survive a breakup with a married man whom you love with all your heart? Just open your eyes and really realize all the disadvantages of such a connection:
- a feeling of loneliness and deception that does not leave the soul for a minute;
- constant secrets and encoding - it is impossible to call at any time, ask for help, or invite you to visit;
- sex on both sides - leaving at night, he goes to bed with his legal wife, and perhaps continues the act of love;
- lack of future - he will not leave his family for the sake of his mistress; with a married man there are no prospects, there is only wasted time;
- sex toy - try asking a man to clean a drain or fix a cabinet, and his facial expression will make it clear why he really comes in the evenings.
And, by the way, if you yourself are the initiator, then the feeling of pain will be completely balanced by pride in your action and a feeling of freedom.
Recommendations
Addiction
Refrain from drinking alcohol or even drugs in order to alleviate the condition and “forget yourself.” Despite the fact that you will feel happy again all evening, the next day the problems will return. Plus a hangover. You don’t need to “silence” them, but solve them. Otherwise, difficulties will accumulate and at one “wonderful” moment you will realize that it is not possible to cope with them.
There is no need to risk your own health and slowly kill it. In modern society it is difficult to live without alcohol. Holidays and parties, visits, etc. cannot be done without it. And there are practically no people who do not take a drop. Just be honest with yourself and careful with your techniques.
Experience
If this is not your first breakup, take advantage of the experience you've already gained. Try to remember what used to help you cope with unbearable pain. What actions and activities gave you joy and the feeling that life goes on.
I suggest you do a little exercise. Sit comfortably, take a deep breath, exhale slowly through your mouth and close your eyes.
Try to imagine that there is a library inside you. Take a look around. Do you see a large number of books? You need to find one called, say, “How to cope and recover after a breakup.” You may have a completely different name. The main thing is the knowledge gained from one’s own experience and recorded in it.
Take this book and take a closer look. What is she like? Worn or brand new? Small, or, on the contrary, huge, so difficult to hold in your hands?
Now open it and read it. What helped you cope in the past? What or who did you rely on and receive support from? What activities were distracting and enjoyable? What did they use to “let off steam”?
Value
Despite the conflicting feelings, unbearable pain or anger, try to think about what good and useful things you learned from this relationship.
Even if you suffered in them, you received something important if you stayed. No matter how soulless and terrible your partner may seem, who has disappointed you, you chose him. The fact that they didn’t know much about him is part of your responsibility.
Often we try not to notice something, we “turn a blind eye” to alarm bells. Because then the illusion of a wonderful future will be destroyed. And this is not bad, each of us wants to be happy.
So think about how this relationship has been beneficial. What did they give you? What they taught. What was valuable to you about them? If you recognize their significance, you recognize your personality as it is and will not devalue what you had. This period is part of your life. It consists of such pieces, not always carefree and “plush”.
Communication
People are different, for some it is important to be in company, to communicate, in order to gradually return to normal. And for some, meeting others can be torture.
Only you know what suits you best. Suddenly, it’s really worth spending some time alone to indulge in memories. Think about what to do next. Recover and gain strength. Finally, get some sleep.
Or if you understand that by thinking about the past, you will wallow in suffering like in a swamp, then it is better to enlist the support of friends or family members and go shopping, exhibitions, cinemas, etc.
Job
Try to direct your attention to work processes. This will bring you good dividends in the future. But under no circumstances should you throw it away or devalue it. As the saying goes: “breaking is not building,” building an image is not easy. And if you lose clients, lose the trust of your superiors, then you will have to face another crisis.
If necessary, take vacation, time off, or even sick leave. After all, in fact, your soul is sick now. And you have every right to take a break to treat her.
If for a number of reasons you don’t have a job, start looking. Self-realization will help you bounce back, raise your self-esteem and, in general, your morale. Even if you don’t need it, if, for example, there are passive sources of income, think about how you can be useful in this world? What can you do to know that you have found yourself?
For example, by helping those in need, you will receive recognition and gratitude. And awareness of your significance, your place in this world is a great healing.
Pessimism
The most important thing is to never give in to pessimism. If you notice thoughts that now you will never love anyone or will not be happy, drive them away. And especially ideas about suicide.
Life is difficult but beautiful. Provided you notice this beauty. And it depends only on you what it will be filled with. What events, meetings, acquaintances.
Believe me, over time you will feel better. And now we need to come to terms with the fact that it will be difficult for some period. Which will definitely end.
When you have a cold, few people begin to think that now they will forever have a runny nose and cough. Usually a person understands that he will have to “fall out” for a week and cancels plans and lies in bed. A breakup and the accompanying feelings can also be considered a disease. So why not organize conditions for recovery, as in the case of a cold?
Psychology of a married man
Having put an end to the relationship, it is worth remembering that the behavior of a married man after breaking up with his mistress is different from breaking up with a single guy. Well, firstly, he has an excellent outlet in the form of a wife, that is, he will not suffer from a lack of intimacy, and secondly, those who cheat always have increased self-esteem and do not understand how they dared to leave them. Therefore, often, a former lover begins to call every free minute, bombard with messages, and may even arrive without warning for a showdown with flowers and cake.
You shouldn’t hide and once again disperse your hope for love and a wedding dress. It is enough to clearly state that the decision is unchanged and everything is over between you, and after a month, maybe a couple, that’s how long it takes a man to forget his mistress, he will stop remembering such passionate love, and perhaps even find a replacement. During this period, he will have time to wonder about what happened, hate his ex, try to return everything, grieve that he didn’t love him back and calmly live his life.
Types of gaps
Breakups are difficult or easy, depending on the situation and the people in the couple. Some relationships have a logical conclusion, others have a difficult ending, and sometimes cause life-long emotional trauma.
Women wonder if strong men get over breakups. It seems that behind the impenetrable male armor hides a stern, stony heart. Fortunately or unfortunately, this opinion is wrong. A man’s feelings and behavior often depend on the characteristics of the breakup.
There are several types of separation:
- Peaceful break. When a couple experiences a fading of feelings and ceases to experience unity, the partners coexist together out of habit, coming to a mutual agreement that it is better for them to spend the next period in life separately. Most often, friendly relations remain between them. They part ways calmly, maintaining respect for each other in their souls and gratitude for all the good things that happened between them.
- Time-out. A pause in the relationship or temporary separation is a reasonable decision for a couple who has mutual feelings but is experiencing some disagreements or difficulties in the relationship. After a forced pause, the partners come together again or finally put an end to the ending of the novel.
- Tragic end. The most painful separation occurs when one of the couple categorically does not agree to end the love relationship.
Results
Parting with a loved one is always a loss that should be grieved. But bitterness should not take up all the time and last for years. Some psychologists assure that it takes half the time spent together to forget your ex. But you shouldn’t look for the exact date, check the stars and howl at the moon. You should understand yourself, accept that the person left, not because you are bad, but because He decided so. Learn to let go and give fate a chance, this will help make life better.
How long did it take you to start sleeping soundly again? Do you have experience communicating with a psychologist after a painful breakup?
What stages does a person go through when breaking up?
The breakup of a long-term romantic relationship is an unpleasant, difficult process, and in order to survive it, a person has to go through several stages of the “illness.” In fact, men have a harder time with separation than the fairer sex. They skillfully hide strong experiences under the steel “armor” of indifference.
READ How to painlessly part with a loved one: advice from a psychologist
First stage: denial
Women cannot understand how a man feels when breaking up. At first he doesn't want to believe what's happening. It seems to him that separation from the girl is a bad dream that should end soon. Tormented by thoughts about her, every day he expects some changes for the better, which do not happen.
Second stage: anger
When a man realizes that a breakup is inevitable, anger replaces despair. He can’t believe that they chose another guy over him, and they didn’t fight for a relationship with him. He gets angry, realizing that it is impossible to return and change anything. He tries not to think about his ex-girlfriend and gets angry at any mention of her name.
Third stage: bidding
At this stage, the man accepts the breakup and begins to analyze the situation. He tries to talk about whether he should return his ex-girlfriend or whether it’s time to look for a new girlfriend. His mood is changeable and alternately resembles the second and third stages.
Stage four: depression
When a man realizes that his former relationship cannot be returned, and that it is impossible to build a new relationship, sadness awaits him. A terrible depression that fetters his activity and fills his being with apathy. He begins to drink, grieve, and remember the best moments of his past romance. He does not want to communicate with anyone, remaining alone in the grip of sad experiences.
Fifth and final stage: new life
When the remaining stages pass with dignity, the guy gradually comes to understand that life goes on. Instead of aching melancholy, long-awaited relief comes. A man stops acutely perceiving facts that remind him of his ex-girlfriend and is ready to meet new love.
