A drunken husband comes home and knocks on the door. - Who's there? Mash, it's me! - I'm not Masha. Well, Klava! - I'm not Klava. Listen wife, how are you doing there, maybe we can play in the city some more? Jokes and jokes for all ages, I laugh until I cry, jokes in pictures.
Two blondes by the car: - Damn, the tire is flat! At all? - No, only from below.
Why were you late for work? — Left home late. Couldn't you have gone out earlier? — It was too late to leave earlier.
Expensive! What about yesterday's borscht? - I’ll tell you more, darling, he’s also tomorrow!
The priest is stopped by a traffic cop. - Holy Father, did you drink something? Why are you my son, just water. “I think you smell like wine.” Oh my God, you did it again!
Short fresh jokes funny to tears
A sense of duty is when you know what you owe, but you feel that you won’t pay it.
A little daughter asks her father: “Dad, why did you marry your mother?”
He turns to his wife: “You see, Masha, even my daughter doesn’t understand this.” Daughter, it’s time for you to find the prince. - Yes, mom, I’m still young, why do I need him? Father from the sofa: “Such a horse is no good without a prince.”
A bus driver and a priest stand in front of the gates of heaven. Saint Peter comes out to them: “You, the driver, come in, and you, father, wait a little.” The priest is indignant: - How so? I dedicated my whole life to the church! So what? Everyone in your church was sleeping, but on his bus everyone was praying!
Vini, where are we going? - Come visit me, Piglet. What are we going to do there? - Aspic.
Vovochka runs into the store. And screams. — Could you please serve me out of turn, since my dad is really waiting for me? Okay, what should I give you? - Toilet paper.
My husband comes home from work and smiles. They sit down to dinner and he laughs. The wife asks: “Why are you so happy?” I was fired from my job. - What's so funny about that? I was fired, and the rest were imprisoned.
Does your bank give loans on parole? - Yes. What if I don't return it? - You will be ashamed before the Almighty when you appear. When will this happen again? - Now, if you don’t return the fifth, you will present the sixth.
The wife pesters her husband: “Tell me, dear, do I have beautiful hair?” Beautiful. -Are your eyes beautiful? Beautiful. - And the nose? And the nose. Then the husband comes to his senses and asks with suspicion: “Wait, why aren’t you reflected in the mirror?”
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If you couldn't get a woman, work with your hands.
Two tipsy guys on the street follow a girl: “Girl, you must have been to a beauty salon?” Girl, flirtatiously: - Yes! Perhaps it was closed?
A mother comes to pick up her child at kindergarten. He looks at the children sitting in the sandbox with their phones, and the teacher is sleeping on the bench. - Why are you sleeping?! Your children will run away. But where will they go? We only have Wi-Fi within the sandbox.
Congratulations! Operation was successfully completed! Now you are a woman! - But they had to cut out my appendix! You won't please the women!
A drunken husband knocks on the door. My wife won't let me. The husband shouts: “Who’s the boss in the house?” Wife: - Whoever is in the house is the master.
Grandfather and grandmother are sitting and having lunch. Grandma slurps. The grandfather cannot stand it and hits the grandmother on the forehead with a spoon. - For what? Don't slurp. Grandma stopped slurping. After a while, the grandfather again hits her on the forehead with a spoon. - And now for what? As I remember, it’s already infuriating.
A little daughter asks her mother: “Mom, where do they insert tampons?” Mom: - Where children come from. The daughter was surprised: - Like a stork, or what?
Dear son! How many times do I have to tell you, “I gave birth to you, and I didn’t download you from the Internet!”
Quotes with sarcasm about life (100 quotes)
Sarcasm - who said that it’s easy to answer with a joke - nothing like that. You also need to answer in a way that does not offend, but at the same time emphasizes something. Sarcasm also develops imagination in speech. Gives you the opportunity to learn how to joke. But... it’s certainly not worth answering as the Internet suggests - it’s too banal... but you can read for the sake of laughter, or typing words for your memory. You can find the most interesting quotes with sarcasm about life here.
If you don't have a backbone, don't go out of your way.
There are people whom you just want to approach and ask if it’s difficult to live without a brain.
I am a tolerant person, so you have the right to your stupid conviction.
We are all cut from the same cloth, and of rather low quality.
I know that you are afraid of disappointing me, but I want to reassure you because my expectations for you are already low!
For a man to find something in the refrigerator, it must be at eye level and it is advisable to run along the shelf, attracting attention to itself.
Too much merit sometimes makes a person unsuitable for society: people don’t go to the market with gold bars - they need small change, especially small change.
Do you know, honey, what shit is? So it’s like jam compared to my life.
I don’t know about you.. but my nerve cells are not only being restored.. but they are also trying to take revenge on those responsible for their death.
A man falls to his knees in front of a woman only to help her fall.
How many interesting things you say! What a pity that this doesn't interest me much.
Knitting socks while waiting for your spouse to return from a corporate party, periodically heating up dinner, is a tedious task. Isn’t it better, isn’t it more interesting, to call your friend and ask whether she fed your husband or not?
Love is so evil, but the goat is still missing...
Everyone has brains, it’s just that not everyone has understood the instructions.
Anne Varney was once asked: “What is it like to be the world’s most mysterious gothic woman?” To which she replied: “I don’t know. I was never Michael Drau."
I wonder what the code should punish more severely for: the intentional or unintentional creation of life?
Ranevskaya was asked: “Which women, in your opinion, are prone to greater fidelity: brunettes or blondes?” Without hesitation, she answered: “Grey hair!”
I don't suit you? What a pity that I...
Democracy is nothing more than the intimidation of a crowd by a crowd in the interests of the crowd.
Look at this, Mrs. Hudson. Silence, calm, tranquility... Isn't it disgusting? Can you feel it? Something big is crawling in your mouth. This is my sarcasm.
It is easy, for example, to forgive your enemies when you happen to not have enough intelligence to be able to harm them, and it is also easy not to seduce women if you are endowed with a very unsightly nose.
Who needs you if you have nothing but looks.
I'm not rude, I'm sarcastic...
Drinking a lot and not being drunk is also typical for a mule.
The brain, the ass and the pill have a soul mate. And I was initially whole.
Black humor and cynical behavior - what else can an intelligent person do in a society of idiots?
Do not tell stories about the fish you caught where they know you, and especially where they know this fish.
I, like eggs, participate, but do not enter.
And when did women gravitate towards normal ones? Social phobe? Great! Alcoholic? Wonderful! Asshole? Wrap two!
You cannot train a stone that naturally falls down to rise up; train it by throwing it up at least a thousand times.
Memory lapses are a free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
My only serious flaw is the uncertainty about the future of everyone who tries to upset me today.
For some reason, the world is structured in such a way that slave overseers shout loudest about freedom.
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt.
Igor fell into a deep hole and miraculously climbed out of it. “Miracles don’t happen”? Igor thought and climbed back.
The performance went off with a bang, but the audience failed...
I dream of becoming a boomerang. They throw you, and you throw them back in the face.
You can relax here with your personal curse next to you.
There is nothing more dangerous than making peace between two people. It is much safer and easier to quarrel between them.
The public buys their opinions the same way they buy meat and milk, because it is cheaper than owning their own cow. Only here the milk consists mainly of water.
You lie like you breathe, and you breathe constantly.
Are your horns scratching the sky?
It is better to trust wise instincts and not interfere with our powerless mind.
I always won. He defeated creatures that many had never even heard of. And cigarettes finished me off.
Take care of yourself - what if I need you?
People who do not adjust to anything, live as their heart tells them, act according to their rules and feelings - these are the people I have almost never met.
What happened (...) is a closely guarded secret, and therefore it is not surprising that the whole school knows it.
All these fools call their nonsense sarcasm.
What is the difference: are women governing, or are officials governed by women? The result is the same.
I do not offend your honor, Lord Janos. I deny its existence.
Why should I pick up the phone? Sitting. Resting. He calls once. That means he's alive.
The dead easily change their political views.
I can not speak at the moment. I'm leading a meeting of the deathly silence club.
It’s not enough to have wit, you also need to be able to avoid its consequences
If your friend believes that there is no difference between virtue and vice, you should count the teaspoons after he leaves.
One day, all the men got together and decided that giraffes with big boobs were the ideal of beauty.
What do you think is better: to love or to be loved? <…> “Of course, it’s better to love, but me.”
If the dead had the opportunity to read the laudatory inscriptions on their tombstones, they would die a second time - from shame.
People are like candles: they either burn or fuck them.
Hmm, worldly wisdom from an unwise person... And not really a person, to be precise.
The biggest bankrupt in this world is the one who has lost his enthusiasm.
Dear, could you pass words not only through your mouth, but also through your brain?
Close up portrait of hard laughing young man. Isolated on white background, mask included
I don’t wear rose-colored glasses—they don’t show the bottomless blue sky.
They study the depth by throwing stones into it. I thought I had sunk to the very bottom, when suddenly there was a knock from below.
I demand to enter such an emoticon in the Quip, where he holds a sign with the inscription “Sarcasm”.
Even a gang of robbers must comply with some moral requirements in order to remain a gang; they can rob the whole world, but not each other.
Repeat that you lied?
With behavior like hers, soon all the prostitutes in the area will be out of work!
It is much easier to become smart than to stop being a fool.
The soul is not an ass, it can’t take a shit.
I’m kind, but no one knows about it, and those who know won’t tell anyone...
Wives are lovers of young men, companions of mature men and nannies of old men.
Public opinion is the opinion of those who are not asked.
Lord, we broke up, I’ll go crazy and throw myself off the chair.
It’s probably the way it is in the USA that the most expensive ties are worn by those who would have had enough with a rope.
Can you stretch out alone with your memories for a long time? They are like your favorite soft scarf around your neck, with which sooner or later you will decide to hang yourself.
Life experience is a lot of valuable knowledge about how not to behave in situations that will never happen again.
He should be president if he is not hanged before then.
Really, who is there to fear? Perhaps only serial killers, maniacs, cannibals and those who kick puppies.
Be as hard as ice, as flexible as water, and pffffff as steam.
Do you even sleep with this smart look?
Man is accustomed to asking himself: who am I? There, a scientist, an American, a driver, a Jew, an immigrant... But you should ask yourself all the time: am I shit?
From irony to sarcasm - how many steps are there?
The merit of some is that they write well. The merit of others is that they do not write at all.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Makeup is an attempt to paint on your face the face of another, much more beautiful woman.
Marriage is the most abused form of sexual life.
Am I being sensitive or is there some tension in the room?
The more people I get to know, the more Hitler I am.
If he had known what a magnificent funeral awaited him, he would have died long ago.
Many things can be done without the help of a man, although some of these things are more pleasant to do with a man.
A miniskirt is maximum information at minimum cost.
Gray minds usually condemn what goes beyond their understanding.
What are they lying about?
Excite my nerves... and I'll fuck your brain.
You can kill a man with a sickle, you can kill a man with a hammer. And if with a hammer and sickle...
I don't know how to say goodbye. So... get out, pig.
I think she was feigning sarcasm.
The birch tree cried, the aspen cried, but only the hemp tree neighed like a beast.
Were you born in a legal marriage? - Half. How is that? — My father was married, but my mother was not married.
Winnie the Pooh comes to Piglet and says: “Piglet sent us ten jars of jam.” Eight each. - Why eight? I don’t know Vinny, I’ve already eaten my eight.
Two hunting dogs are talking: “Yesterday we were walking through the forest with our owner, suddenly a bear came out from behind the bushes!” But the owner forgot his gun at home. Well, I’ll rush at him, I’ll scream! - How brave you are, you rushed at the bear! But what kind of bear?! I rushed at the owner, hugged him with my paws and whispered: “Let’s run away from here, you idiot!”
Zoology lesson. The teacher asks. — How do hedgehogs reproduce? Vovochka: - Very, very carefully.
The wife pesters her husband: “Tell me, dear, do I have beautiful hair?” Beautiful. -Are your eyes beautiful? Beautiful. - And the nose? And the nose is beautiful. Here the husband asks with suspicion: “Wait, aren’t you reflected in the mirror?”
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Funny jokes in pictures, fresh
The more we love a woman, the less beer and friends we have.
I put the dog to guard the car. Came in the morning and there were no wheels. There is a note on the glass: “Don’t scold the dog, she barked.”
Tell me, lieutenant, what is monarchy? - This is when a king rules the country! What if the king dies? - Then queen! What if the queen dies? - Jack!
From the diary of the polar expedition: - Today, January 15, we have been traveling for two weeks. The pole is not visible. - Andrey won’t come. He's weak. And there were too many of us packed into the sleigh.
Two men went fishing. We drank. In the morning they crawl out of the tent, and everything around them is plowed up and there are nets. One: “Where did you put the nets yesterday?” Second: “Where you rowed yesterday, that’s where I rowed.”
