Greetings, friends! According to statistics over the past 10 years, from 51 to 73 percent of marriages in the Russian Federation break up. These are not horror stories, but dry official figures. Unfortunately, the likelihood that the union will end in divorce is at best one to one, or even higher.
In a new article I’ll tell you how to survive a divorce, what to do to make your life easier, and what actions you shouldn’t do after a divorce.
If you have signs of depression after a divorce, we recommend that you first read the article about depression and how to deal with it.
For those who are interested in how to build a new happy relationship, we recommend this article.
If nothing can be fixed, you need to survive with dignity
Before my successful marriage, I myself experienced a divorce, you can read about this in the “About Me” section. This experience, coupled with deep knowledge in the field of psychology, formed the basis of this material.
Stage 1: Survive the First 90 Days
The first 90 days after a divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you are left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state to being lost. You are lost and don’t know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” has compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after divorce.
Start with a reboot in your own home
Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing it away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things and use the proceeds to buy something you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or that chic four-poster bed.
Organize your home space
Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Every thing has its place,” “Like to like,” and “One thing in the house, one out of the house.” When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Take the time to take before and after photos so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.
Take care of yourself
Get a new hairstyle or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the Internet with simple exercises. Over time, you will get the hang of it and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
Inspect your refrigerator
Throw everything fatty and unhealthy into the trash: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.
Plan activities for every day
In the first months after a divorce, you don’t want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Take courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling blues on Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication and social interaction are one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.
Isolation brings about dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words and actions that we later regret.
Stop whining
Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress levels, use the “gratitude jar” technique. Place a beautiful jar on your bedside table and every evening put a note in it that captures the most positive moment of the day. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
When a new life begins after a breakup
Every new day can be described as a beginning. We write our own lives and our own destiny. To feel this in reality, you just need to stop living in the old way. Wake up with a smile, get a new hairstyle, make-up, join the gym, start running or dancing. You can change your job or ask for a vacation, or complete courses that interest you. The main thing is not to return to the old routine and life.
As for new acquaintances, there will certainly be them. Don’t sit within four walls, be in public, visit interesting places. You can register on a dating site. Dress attractively, be friendly and open, then your personal life will improve.
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to resist the obsessive thoughts of having a heart-to-heart talk with your ex and still find out the reasons for the discord in the family. Unpleasant thoughts constantly swirl in my head: “I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inconsiderate, or unsexy.” Tamsin Fedel advises not to share thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative ones) with others, and also to adhere to a few simple rules.
Don't look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, friends or lawyers.
Don't keep his things
He has already taken everything he needs. Everything else doesn’t interest him now and certainly won’t interest him in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
Don't follow him on social media
Remove him from your friends list and don’t poison your soul. Do this immediately after the divorce.
Don't paint a false picture of your ex-husband
It is human nature to remember only the good. Let go of the memories at least for a while. Later, when the wounds heal, you will take out these photographs and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.
Don't use children as a shield
Or as a loophole to get information. Don't turn children against their father. Your emotions will subside, but the children’s attitude towards their father will remain.
Don't speak badly about your ex
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself committed similar sins. More than once she caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with strong words. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
How to survive a divorce - 8 recommendations from a psychologist
Accept the fact of what happened
A common mistake is to assume that your partner will return and everything will go back to normal. Especially if the initiator of the divorce was not you, but your spouse. By thinking this way, you cling to the old and deprive yourself of the chance for a new life. You can think this way for years, deceive yourself and wishful thinking.
Few people manage to step into the same river twice, and even less often something good comes out of it. It is with the acceptance of what happened that further work begins. Yes, it hurts, but it is necessary. In order to start a new life, you must finally put an end to the old one.
In general, if you are going to post a message to your ex on your social media page in the hope that he will see, cry and come running back, slap your hands.
Don't look for a new partner immediately after divorce
The practice of “fighting wedges with wedges” in this context is vicious, dangerous and erroneous. There will still be time for this, but only after you have gone through all the stages of grief, solved internal problems and simply let the situation go.
The search for a new relationship immediately after a divorce can be dictated by anything but common sense or true feelings. This includes the desire to take revenge on an ex, fear of loneliness, and everyday problems. A strong marriage will not work on such a foundation; it will only get worse.
Don't isolate yourself
Meet friends, family, communicate with work colleagues. It is very important to talk through your emotions and experiences, especially if there is a person to whom you can talk. Pushing experiences to the back of your mind, being strong/strong won’t work here. Life is full of situations when we should be strong, but this is not that story. Crying sincerely for a couple of weeks after a divorce is great therapy.
It’s clear that you don’t always want to stress out your friends or relatives with your whining, and many simply don’t have that opportunity. Then excellent psychological practice will come to the rescue, which I want to talk about in the next paragraph.
Use psychological practices
For example, this: you need to choose an object on which you can “have a blast”, throwing out all the negative emotions on it. Technically, it could be anything, even a frying pan. Do you remember the joke where a Georgian who served in the army asked his parents to get a pig and call it ensign so-and-so, they say, if I serve, I’ll come and slaughter it? This is exactly how it works, but this is only the first part of the technique.
Then do this: shout, scold the object at hand, without mincing words. And after the emotions have spilled out, you need to remember something pleasant, something that previously brought pleasure and pleasant emotions. An important point: memories should not be associated with a former partner. This could be a walk along the seashore, fragments of travel, etc. To enhance the effect, you can lie down and close your eyes.
The point is that in this way you train your mind to switch from negativity to positivity and then you can do it through willpower. The exercise must be repeated whenever bouts of blues occur.
More similar practices can be found on the Internet or by contacting a psychologist.
Look for the positives in everything
Yes, even divorced. What a beauty: now you don’t need to coordinate plans with anyone, arrange vacations, ask for time off or consult. You are your own boss (or master) and you need to take advantage of this.
Remember what you couldn't bring to life while you were married? Perhaps it's a trip, meeting old university friends, or something crazy like skydiving? Now everything is possible and you don’t have to report to anyone. Yes, you can also have a cat, even two. The restrictions that married life imposed no longer exist.
Yes, you can also have a cat, even two
Make yourself your top priority.
During a divorce, self-esteem often suffers , not only for the person who was abandoned, but also for the initiator of the separation. Thoughts like “I’m always unlucky”, “I’m not like everyone else”, “nobody will love me anymore” may come to mind. In fact, this is not true; due to a negative attitude, you may not notice how much positive there is around you and how many people sympathize with you. I wrote more about this in an article about toxic thinking. Self-esteem is trusting yourself and being confident that you are worthy of happiness (read about self-esteem).
In this situation, the famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises learning to understand yourself and your desires, at least at the level of the simplest things: food, clothing, and so on. Most likely, such interests were relegated to the background during marriage. At that time there was no “I”, there was only “we” and everything was adjusted to the former partner. It's time to turn on healthy egoism and start living for yourself, it's good for self-esteem.
The specialist advises to stop living automatically and ask yourself: “What do I want?” . If the answer is, for example, to get enough sleep or buy five kilograms of sweets, that’s not bad. It seems like nonsense, but that’s not the point at all: in this way you will learn to listen and hear yourself, understand desires. Make yourself a priority and remember that you are alone, and life is given only once. Don't give up your hobbies, but rather start new ones.
Mikhail Labkovsky advises learning to understand yourself and your desires
Don't be afraid of loneliness
The fear of being alone, even for a short time, is one of the main ones during divorce. It's not easy to come back to an empty apartment and do everything yourself, especially at first.
In fact, loneliness is a great opportunity to sort out your feelings, understand yourself better and cope with your fears. The main thing is to understand that the opportunity to communicate with people is not always there, and that’s normal. By and large, living together is a habit, and habits are always hard to give up. If you doubt that you can cope on your own, it is better to seek help from a qualified psychologist.
Stage 3: Learn to date again
After a divorce, many women are tempted to go to great lengths to prove to themselves (“and this scoundrel!”) that they have retained sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.
How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedel advises following two rules.
Don't look for the perfect man
Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into bed with him and snuggle under the covers.
Value your principles
Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - about what is important to you. Don't fool yourself into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come from this relationship.
Stage 4: Learn to build new relationships
Often after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally disappear into a new man. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the mistakes described. Tamsin Fedel had the strength to pull herself together. Invaluable experience helped her develop several tips that will save women from disappointment.
Be self sufficient
Don't be humiliated. If he doesn't call, he's not interested in you. There are no other options.
Keep your distance
Don’t make a man your best friend, much less a vest for tears.
Don't become a mommy
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Have you caught yourself doing something like this? Get a dog and leave the man alone.
Accept his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both established individuals, and if his slurping at the table bothers you, then you should think twice before moving in together. Either accept the man along with his habits, even those that infuriate you, or break up.
Looking for a free man
This is really very important, and there can be no options here: “almost divorced,” “we’ll file documents tomorrow,” “we live for the sake of the children.” Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and turning into a banal mistress.
What prevents you from improving your personal life after divorce?
The main obstacle to personal happiness is ourselves, or rather our worldview and thoughts. The desire to meet new love very often hides the desire to get rid of tension and stress. It seems that the chosen one will plunge you headlong into happiness, relieve you of pressing problems, and mark the beginning of a happy life.
In fact, if your personal life does not work out, it means that the woman is not ready for this. In a new relationship, you need to open up, not only take, but also give. First of all, it is hard work: finding common ground, resolving conflicts, organizing everyday life, etc.
Sometimes the cause of unpreparedness is severe psychological trauma, for example, if there was moral or physical violence or betrayal in a previous marriage. If your soul still hurts a lot and you can’t let it go, you should consult a psychologist in order to efficiently work through your emotions and free yourself.
Bonus: how to arrange your personal life with children
Children are not a death sentence for your personal life. The main thing is to properly organize your free time and talk with your child. Don’t forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the Universe and is unlikely to want to immediately share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedel has compiled her top tips for dating if you have kids.
Talk to your children about your feelings
Don't think that they are small and don't understand anything. Children are much more perceptive than they think, and will easily guess that you are dressing up for a reason.
Don't lie about your personal life
Over time, children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in their memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how old your children are, eight or thirty-eight, they still need confirmation of your unconditional love. Show them in no uncertain terms that no one can replace them.
Never put yourself before the choice “children or personal life”
Moreover, do not reproach your child for dedicating your life to him, but he has grown up and is going to live separately.
How to find something to do, a hobby, why is it important?
So you are free. Suddenly, you have a unique opportunity to regain your independence and redefine yourself: to better know your own personality, true needs and expectations and, finally, begin to satisfy them with your own hands, and not with the help of another person.
Remember how often you lost yourself, dissolving in your partner , how painfully quickly the day passed - and you realized that you again did not have enough of that 25th hour for yourself?
Now you have much more time for relationships that you previously neglected, as well as for new acquaintances, hobbies, interesting meetings with friends and like-minded people, career development or travel.
The end of something old is always the beginning of something new. During periods of negative emotional states, it is very important to act - and then depression will have no chance. You will be enriched with new experiences that can help you avoid mistakes and suffering in the future.
