From scratch: advice from psychologists on how to help a man survive a divorce

It is not easy to survive a separation from a loved one, especially if it occurs not by mutual consent, but on his initiative. Therefore, many men are concerned about the question of how to survive a divorce from their wife.

Unfortunately, many people face this situation: according to Rosstat, about 610 thousand divorce proceedings are recorded in Russia every year. And if you are one of those who also recently visited the registry office for this reason, then below we have collected advice from psychologists on how to survive a divorce from your wife.

Communication and socialization

When getting married, men often abandon their usual circle of friends and acquaintances. But after a divorce, you can restore relationships, establish contacts, and renew old friendships.

If it is easier for women to go through pain alone, then for men the best way is communication. What else will help relieve pain:

• New acquaintances;
• journey;
• a change of scenery;
• camping;
• Meeting with friends;
• heart-to-heart conversations;
• vacation.

Contrary to popular belief, it is better for guys to stay away from relatives at such times. Relatives and friends are more likely to side with your ex-wife and will certainly remind you of her. To leave fresh wounds alone, it is better to go on vacation with friends.

Advice! Divorce is not the end of life, but just another stage. It's time to pull yourself together and get through the pain.

Recommendations on how to survive a divorce for a man may seem strange to girls. After all, they are used to savoring emotions, feelings, and indulging in depression and melancholy. This helps them let go of negative experiences. Men succeed in this much faster after a divorce.

A man's experience of divorce

After a divorce, the spouses separate and everyone begins to live their own lives. A man, accustomed to living together and spending time together, is left alone with himself.

For most men, this situation turns out to be quite difficult, even if they themselves sought a divorce.

Unexpected and unusual loneliness often pushes men to make rash decisions.

actions and demonstrative actions that are aimed at overcoming feelings of melancholy. It is during the period after a divorce that men often begin to drink alcohol, gamble, engage in promiscuous sex, etc. Such behavior is explained by a reluctance to analyze their psychological state and remain alone with their thoughts.

As a rule, a man’s external relaxedness, cheerfulness and social activity are designed to hide his internal tension and desire to withdraw into himself from prying eyes.

Such behavior leads to mental crisis and prolonged depression, which is why it is so important to soberly assess your condition and, if necessary, seek help from specialists.

A particularly traumatic situation for a man is when he was not the initiator of the divorce.

In this case, he realizes that he has been abandoned and begins to experience an inferiority complex. It is important not to constantly blame yourself, but to try to soberly analyze the situation. In a divorce, both are always to blame. It is important to learn lessons and take into account all your mistakes in past relationships, so as not to make them again in a new union.

Work and new schedule

Plunging headlong into your professional activities is one of the best options to avoid depression and to more easily overcome the state of shock after a divorce. A temporary business trip will help you refresh your thoughts, get distracted, and change your surroundings. If a man has already had a hard time with a divorce, then a new blow may affect his performance. Here it is useful to change your field of activity and try your hand at a new area.

When you put all your energy into your work, it’s hard to think about anything else. You can loosen your grip immediately after thoughts about your ex-wife stop causing pain.

What you need to understand about divorce first of all

Over the years of marriage, the spouses begin to represent a single whole. Often, from a person going through a divorce, you can hear the following explanation of the condition: “as if your heart was ripped out of your chest” or “as if your hand was cut off.” A woman and a man invest strength, finances, and time into marriage. Mutual friends, family habits and traditions appear: having dinner together, going to the country on weekends or riding bicycles.

The usual life is destroyed, thoughts of loneliness enter your head, an uncontrollable desire appears to turn back time, to crawl back into your uncomfortable and unsteady, but so understandable and familiar little world. Habits give you a sense of confidence in the future, predictability, and stability. You can make plans and have certain expectations for your lover.

Breakups almost always happen suddenly. Even if the spouses live for years, as if on a powder keg, accumulating discontent, or are completely indifferent, not noticing each other, or know about the betrayals. But people are used to pretending that nothing happened and silently hoping that everything will work out.

Simple rules to make getting through divorce easier

A man must observe some responsibilities that will help not aggravate the conflict:

1. If the ex-wife runs into conflict, it is better to step aside.
2. Treat friends and relatives of your ex-wife correctly.
3. Establish civilized communication without mutual reproaches and accusations.
4. Don't make decisions rashly.
5. Do not enter into a new relationship immediately after a disagreement.
6. Express anger, resentment and hatred in a different way without touching your ex-wife.

Advice! A man must remain himself, maintain composure, even if his beloved behaves very incorrectly. She is controlled by anger and resentment, which will soon dry up.

General recommendations

Undoubtedly, a man and a woman, due to their psychological characteristics, perceive divorce differently. However, there are some universal rules for how to survive this difficult period, which can be used equally by both.

Rule 1. Accept and experience emotions

There are different models of the psychological stages of divorce - Maslow, Kübler-Ross, Arons. If we generalize them, it turns out that every person who finds himself in such a situation experiences several emotional stages. They need to be accepted and felt from beginning to end to make it easier. Here is their sequence:

• pain - at the moment when the decision to divorce is made;
• bitterness of loss - anger, desire for revenge, search for those to blame for what happened;
• hopelessness - attempts to return everything end in failure;
• disappointment - the realization that nothing can be changed;
• despair - when it seems that life no longer has meaning;
• exhaustion - lack of any desire;
• self-determination - when fatigue sets in from suffering and awareness of the need for radical changes in life;
• hope - the understanding that life can still be improved;
• joy - enjoying the advantages of your new position.

Psychologists advise going through all these emotional stages in the same sequence. There is no need to reproach yourself for feeling angry or apathetic. This is all a natural reaction to what is happening. It is this that allows you to survive a divorce and ultimately come to a positive result. If you deceive yourself and skip over one of the listed stages, the process of healing from mental wounds will be much longer.

Rule 2: Make lists

An old, proven psychological method of restoring mental balance.

• About a human

Make two lists - positive and negative character traits of the person you had to divorce. The first will help cope with negative emotions. Re-read it when you feel overwhelmed by anger and desire for revenge. The second will allow you to quickly fall out of love and come to terms with the loss.

• About marriage

Make two more lists - the pros and cons of your marriage. The first one will remind you of good days, that it was not in vain that you met this person. The second will show the hopelessness of further life together and the correctness of the decision made.

• About divorce

And two more lists - what is good and what is bad about divorce. Surely the second list will initially turn out much more impressive than the first. However, over time, as you add points, you will see how the advantage will change.

Now gradually add to these lists and re-read them at the right moments.

Rule 3. Arrange the moment of truth

There is no need to be deceived from the very beginning. Many people, in order to protect themselves from negative emotions, try to convince everyone around them that everything is fine:

• what is still possible to fix;
• that in fact he (she) loves you, he (she) was just forced (by circumstances or other people);
• that this is an unfortunate misunderstanding that will soon be resolved.

Admit to yourself the obvious things: love, relationships, family, marriage and your loved one are no longer around. And you don’t need to console yourself with vain hopes that everything will return. Say this to yourself out loud while standing in front of the mirror. Write it in capital letters on a piece of paper. Tell your parents and friends about this.

Rule 4. Get rid of memories

In moments of anger and despair, get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex-spouse. There is no need to tear up the photographs - give them to someone for safekeeping, so that in the future the children will see that their parents were happy. Do not throw donated toys into the trash - take them to an orphanage. Jewelry can be sold or taken to a pawnshop. Remove the phone number from the list of subscribers - write it down somewhere on a separate piece of paper and hide it. Ideally, change the apartment in which you lived together.

The fewer reminders of your past life and divorce, the easier it is to get over it and move on, without knots pulling you into the past.

Rule 5. Pour out your soul

Many people withdraw into themselves after a divorce. Some are ashamed, others are depressed, others are simply experiencing everything within themselves. You need to get out of your shell and find someone who will listen and understand. It can be:

• parents, if you have close contact and complete trust with them;
• Friends;
• acquaintances who have already survived a divorce;
• psychologists specializing in this problem.

If you haven’t found such a person, it doesn’t matter. Life hack from a psychologist: sit a large plush toy in front of you and pour everything into it. Despite the silence of the interlocutor, liberation from negative emotions is ensured. Say everything that is boiling, all your grievances and disappointments, cry. If you need more than one such session, repeat. It will get easier each time.

Rule 6. Take care of yourself

If you want to survive a divorce, take it as a chance for free time, which you can now devote only to yourself. It's time to get out of the image of a wife in a robe and curlers / a husband in family shorts and a beer belly. Buy a wardrobe, because now you can wear whatever your heart desires. Sign up for a gym (fitness center). Go to the hairdresser. Change your image to demonstrate to everyone (and most of all to yourself) that you are starting a new life without regard to the old one.

Rule 7. Fill the void

Many people are prevented from successfully surviving a divorce by the emptiness created after the departure of their significant other. Don't let it grow. Advice from a psychologist on how to fill the spiritual and everyday emptiness:

• spend more time with children, engage in their development;
• find a new hobby: blogging, diving, knitting, decoupage, soap making, parkour - the list is endless and endless;
• get involved in sports;
• to have a pet;
• make repairs in the apartment;
• open your own business, do business;
• go travel;
• go to study, get a second education.

The main thing at this stage is not to rush headlong into a new relationship. This is not a situation where we knock out wedges with wedges. Psychologists say that in 90% of cases such connections end in nothing and are a false filling of the void created after a divorce. Reliving broken hopes will be even more difficult.

Rule 8. Make plans for the future

The main thing is that there is not a hint of the past in them. Set goals for yourself both for the week ahead (to do a thorough cleaning of the entire apartment) and for the year (to save money and go to the Maldives). This will fill your life with joy and help you quickly realize that the brightest moments are still ahead, so there is no reason to suffer.

It will be even better if you involve children, relatives, friends, and colleagues in drawing up the plan. This will impose certain obligations on you. You will strive to achieve your goal as quickly as possible - this will help you get through a difficult period painlessly, since you simply won’t think about a bad time.

10 "no"

And 10 more “don’ts” - what you shouldn’t do after a divorce, so as not to aggravate your psycho-emotional state:

1. Do not blame anyone for what happened - neither yourself, nor him (her), nor third parties (parents, friends, lovers).
2. Don't close. Don't be alone. Don't keep everything to yourself.
3. Do not abuse alcohol.
4. Don't get carried away with antidepressants.
5. Do not start a new relationship immediately after breaking up.
6. Do not feel sorry for yourself and do not complain to everyone about your fate.
7. Don’t try to bring back the past, don’t humiliate yourself, don’t ask for one last chance, don’t impose yourself.
8. Do not spread dirty rumors about your past family life.
9. Don’t eat up your problems with tasty but unhealthy food.
10. Don't give up.

In Indonesia. In the Country of a Thousand Islands there is such a thing as a “conditional divorce”, when the spouses are given 100 days to think and confirm that the wife is not pregnant. If it turns out that she is expecting a child, the divorce process is postponed.

What to do if you have a child

As long as a man goes through a divorce, the litigation with the child lasts. Psychologists are sure that the situation of a joint baby directly depends on the emotional mood of the parents. Women often turn their sons and daughters against their ex-husband, refuse civilized communication, and forbid the man to see their children.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

In this situation, it is better to step back, give her the opportunity to exhale, calm down, and look at the situation with a cool head. After this, you can take action. The child must communicate with the father; a sane woman will not refuse this to the parent. But the situation often turns in the opposite direction, when it is necessary to obtain visits through the courts.

Causes of male depression

After a divorce, most representatives of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they find themselves in a kind of vacuum when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the backdrop of close observation of the life of the ex-wife, for whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:

• disappointment in freedom and new women;
• psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
• obvious disadvantages of single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
• feeling guilty for a broken relationship.

In some cases, divorced men experience a combination of all of the above factors.

How to deal with anger and malice

Negative emotions definitely come to the surface. It is wrong to pour them out on your ex-wife, her friends, and relatives. This will lead to new conflicts, aggravate difficult relations, and aggravate the situation. The following will help neutralize the negativity:

• active sport;
• self-occupation;
• new hobby;
• work with a psychologist;
• complete rest;
• keeping a diary.

It’s harder for those men who are going through a difficult divorce. They cannot share feelings, talk about pain and anger. They keep the negativity in themselves until the last moment, and then make a number of irreparable mistakes:

• quickly find new relationships;
• indulge in bad habits;
• write angry posts about their spouse on social networks;
• take it out on the children.

Going through a divorce can be difficult. But it is important to stop living in the past in time and learn to enjoy life again. Support from friends and working with a psychologist will relieve depression and stress. A new job and hobby will help you distance yourself from negative emotions, and rest will refresh your thoughts. A man must pull himself together and start a new life, without fear of experiencing pain again.

How can I help my brother during a divorce?

Not only his mother, but also his sister may worry about a divorced man. Often a brother shares with his sister those experiences that he does not even tell his mother about.
It happens that a sister practically observes how all stages of a divorce go through: at first, the husband and wife become dissatisfied with their relationship, often quarrel, but they fail to make peace, even with the help of children, relatives and friends.

Then there is a legal registration of divorce, division of property and responsibility for children. Then each spouse tries to start building a new, more successful life, as it seems to them.

In this case, the sister can provide moral support - prevent him from drinking too much and quitting work, take him to a consultation with a good psychologist (take him, not advise him; the man himself is unlikely to go to him).

You can introduce your brother to good and interesting people (not necessarily women) or together start doing a hobby that he likes.

Do men regret divorce? How does a husband behave after a divorce? Age-related characteristics of actions

Men who got married before the age of 20 have three motives: love addiction, selfish goals, and avoidance of problems with responsibility. In the first case, a need is formed to be close to the beloved due to jealousy, lack of attention, and knowledge of relationships. The second implies an unwillingness to live with parents and, in order not to maintain housing alone, a woman with a permanent job, or better yet, with housing, is sought. Achieving the planned financial situation leads to divorce because the primary goal was not compatible with the concept of family. The third motive speaks of the fear of making a mistake when one is not ready to answer for misdeeds, for example, an unplanned pregnancy.

To determine whether men regret divorce, let's turn to statistics and characteristics of individual behavior in different years of life. The peak age for divorce among men is between 18 and 30 years old, because they are not psychologically prepared for a family. Men who behaved passively in relationships experience emotional activity, while active men experience depression due to unrequited love if the wife initiated the divorce. This forces you to put on the mask of a scoundrel even with a calm and balanced character. On the one hand, disregard dominates, on the other, resentment, but only because self-confidence is shaken. A man is not able to turn on another mental defense mechanism, so he “douses” stress with alcohol, and increases self-esteem by practicing promiscuity (promiscuity), if moral guidelines do not prohibit such behavior.

After 30-35 years, a man more often makes compromises because he understands that he will not return to his mother and is no longer needed by his friends. After a divorce, the ex-husband begins to look for a female unmarried environment in order to find a potential wife. However, it pursues friendship and harmonious relationships with a smooth transition into romantic ones. If he finds it, he is in no hurry to make an offer for fear of repeating the plot and in order to “sip a breath of freedom.”

How long does depression last in women?

Divorce often provokes apathy in the fair half. Ladies lose their perky interest and lack the desire to look their best, as a result of which they may stop taking care of themselves. Previously familiar and adored activities today no longer cause joy, but only generate irritation. There is only one desire: for everyone to lag behind and not interfere with the joy of indulging in despondency. Sleep disappears, appetite disappears, while in the morning there is an inability and reluctance to get out of bed.

Labor productivity often decreases because it is difficult for young ladies to concentrate on performing their job duties.

Manifestations of psychosomatic ailments occur: dizziness, malaise, colds. The described symptoms are due to the desire of the psyche to protect itself from additional stressors.

Typically, depression after divorce in women develops in stages and includes five successive stages. First comes the stage of denial, which consists of some attempt, through a reasonable attitude, to devalue the terminated connection, which is replaced by embitterment. Here the woman begins to burst out with anger towards her ex-husband, blaming him for the destruction of the relationship.

Then comes the stage, considered the most difficult period, of the desire to restore the former connection. Depression itself comes when the stages of denial, anger and the desire to restore the relationship do not provide relief, and also do not contribute to the achievement of results. The last stage of experiencing the breaking of Hymen’s “shackles” is the period of adaptation, when the awareness of the transformed life situation and acceptance of it begins.

At the same time, the severity of the manifestations, the degree of experience and the severity of the above stages are determined by many factors, the key of which are considered to be:

– the reason for the breakdown of the relationship;

– support from family and friends;

– material security, financial difficulties;

- presence of common offspring.

As a rule, depression after a divorce from a husband can be observed for several months, but sometimes it can last more than a year.

The duration is also determined by the reasons for separation, the financial component, and the presence of children.

The essence of consulting a family psychologist

The purpose of family psychological counseling is to solve problems in family relationships.
In particular, family psychologists (having received higher professional education and sufficient qualifications) can teach you how to communicate effectively with your spouse without leading to conflicts, and how to strengthen your conflict resolution skills so that minor disagreements do not develop into catastrophic disputes. Ultimately, the main goal of family counseling is to help identify the cause of the problem that has arisen in the relationship, including (but not limited to): infidelity and jealousy, addiction, loss of intimacy, frequent quarrels and conflicts, problems in raising children.

In a situation where a family is on the verge of divorce, the help of a psychologist is based on clear pre- and post-divorce counseling strategies that can help you successfully navigate this process.

Stage No. 2

Review your wedding photos

3–5 days after divorce

Yes, you are a man, a flint, a fighter, dad taught you to never cry and stoically withstand all the blows of fate. But in fact, those who have experienced divorce know that, most likely, you will experience great devastation and sadness. Divorce is not just a formal stamp in a passport, but also the end of a certain life routine. Sooner or later, nostalgia will overtake you, so it’s better to welcome the enemy with open arms and plunge into the pool of memory yourself. Look through wedding photos, joint selfies on Instagram, travel and festival reports on Facebook, and hundreds of pictures on your phone that remind you of your ex-wife. At first it will be painful, offensive and unpleasant, but then your hand will not reach for your smartphone or photo album for a very long time. This will definitely help you survive your divorce from your wife.

Stage No. 5

Find yourself a hobby

1–1.5 months after divorce

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It is very important that you do not have time to be discouraged and suffer. “I may have overdone it, but I took up kickboxing, started drawing, learning Spanish and going to the theater regularly, just so I didn’t have time to think about the fact that I recently got divorced from my wife, even though I’m not 28,” said my friend, from whom The wife left for her mistress. In the modern world, where there are even more and more options for adultery, you cannot allow yourself to get hung up on the fact that you screwed up somewhere, so the marriage broke up. A psychologist will put your thoughts in order, and in the meantime, take care of yourself - work on your physical and spiritual shape. It is much easier to get through difficult periods in life when you realize that they helped you become a better person.

Stage No. 7

Go on a date

3–4 months after divorce

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Remember that no one obliges you to do anything. And we are just giving advice here, not precise instructions. If you're still not ready to date even after 3-4 months, that's completely normal. But if you find yourself eyeing other girls and feel like you're ready to get back into the game, move on to the first round. Have a pleasant and easy evening in the company of a girl with whom you have mutual sympathy (you are not yet ready for a difficult battle when you need to win the favor of a person who does not care about you), and remember how pleasant it is to go on dates. As for sex, all victims of divorce are convinced that there is no need to rush into intimacy. Making love to spite your ex-wife or to forget yourself is an extremely harmful concept that will not lead to any positive results. But sex with a girl after a great date will not hinder your rehabilitation.