In this article we will tell you:
- Separating from your husband - the end or a new beginning
- Separating from your husband according to all the rules
- 10 tips on how to get over a separation from your husband
Separating from your husband is always a painful process. However, this is often the only true ending to an unsuccessful marriage, which brings only sadness to both partners. But if you made the decision to divorce suddenly, it is important to understand whether this is really the end or just a temporary whim to cut everything off.
Today we will talk about how to survive a breakup with your husband, recover and find yourself in a new life, and also discuss what you should never do during conflicts and separation.
Stage 1: Survive the First 90 Days
The first 90 days after a divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you are left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state to being lost. You are lost and don’t know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” has compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after divorce.
Start with a reboot in your own home
Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing it away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things and use the proceeds to buy something you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or that chic four-poster bed.
Organize your home space
Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Every thing has its place,” “Like to like,” and “One thing in the house, one out of the house.” When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Take the time to take before and after photos so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.
Take care of yourself
Get a new hairstyle or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the Internet with simple exercises. Over time, you will get the hang of it and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
Inspect your refrigerator
Throw everything fatty and unhealthy into the trash: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.
Plan activities for every day
In the first months after a divorce, you don’t want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Take courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling blues on Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication and social interaction are one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.
Isolation brings about dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words and actions that we later regret.
Stop whining
Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress levels, use the “gratitude jar” technique. Place a beautiful jar on your bedside table and every evening put a note in it that captures the most positive moment of the day. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
How to cope with your wife's departure
Do you want to get over your wife's departure as quickly as possible? It all depends on the situation, if your loved one has left:
To another
The conclusion is obvious: you didn’t suit your wife, it would have happened anyway. It is much better to go through this now than after a few more years of relationship. If she left now, there would be no chance later. This woman needs another man - which means you are also destined for another person. You were simply mistaken about each other - find the strength to admit it.
Due to financial difficulties
There is a possibility that the wife will return once her financial situation improves. Promises and persuasion will not bring her back - in the end the situation will repeat itself. It is necessary to think about how to improve your financial situation - not only for the sake of your ex-wife. You are afraid that while you are sorting things out, your spouse will find another man. Well, you won’t be a loser - you will have money.
Due to sexual incompatibility
If incompatibility is insurmountable, do not torture each other. Let your wife build family happiness with a person who suits her in everything. Don't miss the chance to find a life partner with whom you will be compatible. It is much easier to find a suitable partner than to break yourself over someone for whom you are, in fact, not suitable.
Because of treason
Depends on whose betrayal. Have you changed? Your wife has the right not to forgive you, and you must accept this. Did she cheat? The question is whether she wants to return. If yes, then think about why she did this. If your relationship is dear to her, then what prompted her to have a relationship on the side? Is this part of your fault? What does your inner voice tell you? Most often, betrayals tend to repeat themselves - if they happen, it is better to come to terms with the fact that the person is not yours.
If there is a child
Having a child presupposes the most civilized divorce possible. No matter how much hatred you feel towards your ex-wife, your child should not suffer because of this. Take an active part in the life of your son (daughter) - devote time, take care financially. Be a support and support, despite the breakdown of the family.
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to resist the obsessive thoughts of having a heart-to-heart talk with your ex and still find out the reasons for the discord in the family. Unpleasant thoughts constantly swirl in my head: “I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inconsiderate, or unsexy.” Tamsin Fedel advises not to share thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative ones) with others, and also to adhere to a few simple rules.
Don't look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, friends or lawyers.
Don't keep his things
He has already taken everything he needs. Everything else doesn’t interest him now and certainly won’t interest him in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
Don't follow him on social media
Remove him from your friends list and don’t poison your soul. Do this immediately after the divorce.
Don't paint a false picture of your ex-husband
It is human nature to remember only the good. Let go of the memories at least for a while. Later, when the wounds heal, you will take out these photographs and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.
Don't use children as a shield
Or as a loophole to get information. Don't turn children against their father. Your emotions will subside, but the children’s attitude towards their father will remain.
Don't speak badly about your ex
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself committed similar sins. More than once she caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with strong words. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
What not to do after a divorce
When in a stressful situation, a person does not control himself and often commits rash acts. The most common mistakes:
- Start a new relationship immediately, without going through the five stages of separation.
- Build a plan for revenge. Live only with grievances and pain.
- Blaming yourself and thinking that there is something wrong with you.
- Trying to bring back the departed through manipulation, threats and humiliation.
- Suppress and hush up your negative feelings in front of your other half. Be afraid to express thoughts, it is advisable to do this without shouting, insults and hysterics.
- Express complete submission, endure mental or physical abuse in the hope of family reunification.
- Draw children into relationships, try to blackmail and manipulate them. Placing a burden of responsibility on a child causes a feeling of frailty and uselessness.
- Living in the past, idealizing past relationships, delving into memory.
- Play a victim and present the ex-couple as a “real monster” in the eyes of others.
Stage 3: Learn to date again
After a divorce, many women are tempted to go to great lengths to prove to themselves (“and this scoundrel!”) that they have retained sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.
How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedel advises following two rules.
Don't look for the perfect man
Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into bed with him and snuggle under the covers.
Value your principles
Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - about what is important to you. Don't fool yourself into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come from this relationship.
Let's extract 3 positive points
Divorce is always a difficult and sad event . It brings suffering, pain, emotional decline. Undoubtedly, this causes serious harm to health, career and other areas of life. But besides the negative aspects of divorce, there are also positive aspects.
Freedom-No. 1
Family life introduces certain restrictions for both spouses. For every person, the concept of freedom is relative: some do not need it, and others cannot live without it. If you are not afraid of loneliness, then freedom will be an advantage.
Financial component-No. 2
In a divorce, a woman loses financial support for her husband if he earned more. If she still has a child, then life becomes almost unbearable. But there is a huge plus here - a new goal appears. Most girls reach career heights just after a divorce and find new ways to make money.
Creative component-No. 3
Parting with a loved one is always traumatic and demotivating. However, many women, in order to distract themselves from the breakup, make progress in sports, art, and science. The resulting stress gives you a chance to start your life from scratch, radically changing it.
Stage 4: Learn to build new relationships
Often after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally disappear into a new man. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the mistakes described. Tamsin Fedel had the strength to pull herself together. Invaluable experience helped her develop several tips that will save women from disappointment.
Be self sufficient
Don't be humiliated. If he doesn't call, he's not interested in you. There are no other options.
Keep your distance
Don’t make a man your best friend, much less a vest for tears.
Don't become a mommy
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Have you caught yourself doing something like this? Get a dog and leave the man alone.
Accept his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both established individuals, and if his slurping at the table bothers you, then you should think twice before moving in together. Either accept the man along with his habits, even those that infuriate you, or break up.
Looking for a free man
This is really very important, and there can be no options here: “almost divorced,” “we’ll file documents tomorrow,” “we live for the sake of the children.” Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and turning into a banal mistress.
Common causes of divorce
The reasons for divorce are different. But it is important to identify among them those that cause a woman a lot of pain.
- Divorce at the request of the man himself. Any reasons (another woman, cooled love, new hostility, etc.). In this case, the wife suffers very much. Her self-esteem drops (“I was abandoned”). Perhaps she did not expect anything like this at all, and then this misfortune still falls out of the blue.
- Divorce initiated by a woman. The reasons are different (the inability to tolerate infidelity, bad habits of the husband, etc.). Here, too, there can be a situation of stress, especially if a woman is forced to take this step, but she still loves her husband or is simply used to it and cannot imagine her life without a man.
If everything went as usual towards a divorce in their life together, then the wife is usually more or less ready for such a turn of events, and it no longer causes her pain and grief. But if the separation occurs unexpectedly, then the woman needs to be helped to survive this period. Here it is important to know and understand the sequence of awareness of the events taking place.
Bonus: how to arrange your personal life with children
Children are not a death sentence for your personal life. The main thing is to properly organize your free time and talk with your child. Don’t forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the Universe and is unlikely to want to immediately share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedel has compiled her top tips for dating if you have kids.
Talk to your children about your feelings
Don't think that they are small and don't understand anything. Children are much more perceptive than they think, and will easily guess that you are dressing up for a reason.
Don't lie about your personal life
Over time, children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in their memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how old your children are, eight or thirty-eight, they still need confirmation of your unconditional love. Show them in no uncertain terms that no one can replace them.
Never put yourself before the choice “children or personal life”
Moreover, do not reproach your child for dedicating your life to him, but he has grown up and is going to live separately.
What happens to the human psyche during divorce?
Everyone experiences divorce differently. This depends on many reasons: whether you were the initiator or the decision was made by the ex-partner, what the marriage was like, whether there are children, whether there was infidelity, problems with alcohol in one of the spouses, and so on. The paradox is that even if you got rid of a toxic relationship, codependency, or left an alcoholic spouse who had exhausted all your nerves, hasn’t worked for the last 10 years, and so on, you don’t need to think that happiness will cover you headlong at that very second. Stress, and even depression, is still guaranteed.
This is due to a change in the usual way of life and leaving the comfort zone. Getting rid of unhappiness does not guarantee happiness. It’s unclear what’s next, you don’t want to do anything, and purely everyday issues (moving, dividing property) can be seriously stressful. There are exceptions, for example, when one of the spouses immediately leaves for another family, where everything is fine. But much more often, partners go nowhere because they can no longer be together.
5 stages of grief acceptance
The experiences that a person feels at this time fit into 5 stages of accepting negative changes, I will talk about them in detail. Note: the theory of the 5 stages of grief acceptance was developed in 1969 by the doctor of psychology Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to help dying patients. Later it turned out that the concept can be successfully applied in other situations when people find themselves in a difficult situation, for example, divorce, which in terms of the intensity of the experience is quite comparable to the loss of a loved one.
- Shock, denial. At this stage, the person still does not believe that what is happening to him is real: “This is not happening to me, this cannot happen! Just another crisis, things will get better!”
- Anger. At this stage, the person realizes the reality of the situation and begins to look for the culprit, who usually turns out to be a partner. “How could he do this? Why me?" Anger can also be directed to the outside world: a person lashes out at children, relatives, quarrels with work colleagues, and so on. You can learn more about anger and how to deal with it here.
- Depression. A person becomes despondent, everything is indifferent to him, he gives up. “Why do anything, nothing will change anyway.” You can learn about depression and how to deal with it here.
- Bargain. Crucial moment. The person realizes that divorce is real, but still tries to avoid it. “Let’s try for another six months, if anything happens, we’ll get a divorce. Give me one last chance."
- Adoption. A person understands that he needs to live and move on, accepts the situation as it is.
The stages of grief do not follow one another in chronological order. They can change places, get confused, mix up, and so on. A person who accepted the situation yesterday and came to terms with his situation, today may again return to the stage of anger or denial, and all this will be accompanied by prolonged depression.
Stages of grief according to Kübler-Ross
Everything I wrote will not necessarily start minute by minute after the divorce. Often, the stages of experiencing begin at the moment one of the spouses makes the decision to divorce and continues for some time after all the formalities have been settled.
Why did I write all this? So that you understand: no matter how hard it is now, everything will end in acceptance anyway , it cannot be any other way. You can even reassure yourself with this thought: “Yes, today I am depressed and despondent, but soon everything will definitely get better, I’m not the first, I won’t be the last.” This is a very important thought, it can make life a lot easier.
If nothing helps, you are left with a feeling of brokenness in your soul and inner emptiness, this may indicate depression caused by divorce (read more about depression here), and this is a reason to contact a specialist. Do not hesitate and contact a qualified psychologist who will help you find a way out of the situation.
