Married mistress of a married man - psychology of lovers' relationships: what to do if a woman falls in love with a guy and he has a wife

Who is a lover: male and female perspective: Pexels Despite vows of eternal love, after marriage, many men cheat on their legal spouse. What do representatives of the stronger sex find in a mistress? Psychologist Yaroslav Samoilov knows how women themselves feel about this role and why they agree to it.

Why do wives cheat?

Many perceive male adultery as the norm, attributing everything to physiology and polygamy. They have many signals: they want change, they want to express sexual energy and just have fun. Many people don’t even think that a guy’s betrayal counts.

But girls are usually treated more demandingly, and therefore they are accustomed to hiding an affair more carefully. Let's figure out where it comes from. The usual “excuses” for men are unacceptable here:

Sexual attraction at the level of instinct - women are more likely to focus on feelings and emotions.
Novelty is repulsive, because they are attracted to stability.
Self-affirmation - no, because only a guy can assert himself, and for a girl such a reputation will only become offensive.

It is interesting to note that the real reasons are strongly related to the marital relationship. Common reasons why a married woman falls in love with a married or single man:

Poor relationship with your spouse, lack of affection, care, tenderness and sense of security. Psychological discomfort.
Lack of attention: the husband does not notice the new haircut or new clothes. He spends all his time in the garage under the car or in the company of his friends, leaving his wife to while away the lonely evenings.
Revenge. What if the man has already been caught in adultery? Of course, many go through this stage, forgive, try to forget, but subconsciously there is a certainty that the traitor should be punished.
Dissatisfaction in intimate life. Sometimes the spouse stops performing marital duty altogether or performs it, caring exclusively about his own pleasure - no foreplay, prolonged caresses, romance or gratification of sexual desires. The second common option is satiety with monotony.
Lack of emotions. Sometimes it happens like this: boring, the same, stable. I want adventure, like in a romantic film - an explosion, a storm, but at home everything is ordinary. Everyday life eats up men too - they stop expressing their feelings, which leads to a complete emotional vacuum in the family.
Finding the perfect love or a prince on a white horse. Often marriage occurs after an unplanned pregnancy or for other reasons, when they hoped for “endure and fall in love.” But all the years of marriage they are looking for that one and only.
Love. An outburst of intense mutual feelings can lead to an affair.

Typical mistakes of mistresses - a cheat sheet for wives!

Typical mistakes of lovers . According to statistics, only four out of ten mistresses of married men manage to succeed: if not create their own family, then at least destroy someone else’s marriage and tear the man away from his wife and children. Based on the fact that almost a third of all mistresses are colleagues and subordinates of the husband at work, most of the mistresses are noticeably younger, slimmer, more beautiful and sexier than their wives, a quarter of the mistresses are superior to their wives in terms of their social status, education and income, the question arises: Why do mistresses show such relatively low results? What reduces the efficiency of their efforts to destroy other people's family nests? Fortunately for wives, typical mistakes of mistresses exist and there are more than a dozen such reasons. Of course, the most important thing is to underestimate the degree of a man’s love for children. However, other factors are no less important.

Typical mistakes of lovers

when planning to take away someone else's husband:

Mistakenly trusting the words of your married men. The fact is that 90% of men openly deceive their mistresses, painting their family life with their existing wife only in black terms and describing it with a characteristic phrase: “We live only for the sake of the children, our relationship is a formality.” Hence, many mistresses happily convince themselves that the hunt for this man will be an easy walk, a kind of blitzkrieg, a lightning war. However, in fact, married men, most often, do not find it so unbearable in their families; there are a lot of positive things there. Therefore, many men, in fact, are unable to gain such strength of despair and readiness to cross out the entire family past, which would help them overcome the power of family attraction.
The naive confidence of mistresses is that men do not have an intimate life with their spouse. This confidence is again built on the belief that the man is telling the truth. But men, in order not to scare off a new sexual partner, usually tell her what she wants to hear. Therefore, they have been lying for years that there has been no intimacy in the family for many years. And although in fact, male infidelity is almost always a consequence of the fact that the wife has lost activity in bed, nevertheless, at least occasionally, sex between husbands and wives still happens. What maintains even a thrice-bad husband a sense of responsibility for his marriage and his wife, at least a sense of ownership. Therefore, even if they desperately want to go to their mistress, many men stubbornly want to maintain control over their wife and, accordingly, have sex with her, they are afraid that someone else will get the wife. Hence, if a wife can still increase her sexual activity towards her husband, she has a great chance of winning. The mistress can only win if she can completely block marital sex for many months and years. But, fortunately for wives, not all mistresses can do this.
lovers of potential wives. A curious side of infidelity is that most mistresses so underestimate the potential of their married men’s wives that they are not even jealous of them, considering them almost “sick and wretched.”

It’s a paradox, but most often mistresses are jealous of their married friend

not to his wife, but to some other girls he knew.

However, this is a big mistake of lovers! Mistresses usually do not understand that this woman (wife) was once able to successfully take over this man, defeated the competitors available at that time, and managed to become a legal wife. Therefore, if the wife turns out to be so smart that she remembers those “tricks” of hers that once helped her get married and competently uses them in difficult times, she can still win. The wife’s chances will increase significantly if she does not waste time on grandmothers, sorcerers, magicians, astrologers and psychics, and in difficult times she does not get confused, masters adequate psychological literature or turns to experienced family psychologists. Therefore, writing off wives ahead of time is a big Typical mistake of mistresses . For which they pay with their years wasted on communication in vain.

4. Ignorance by mistresses of the true role of their man in his existing family. The practice of my work clearly shows:

At least 70% of married men take mistresses
in fact, they are henpecked by their wives,
that is, they are not the heads of their families at all.

Accordingly, when the time comes to discover a “left” connection and, a natural crisis in the relationship, many men quickly understand their true state and, in fact, go to “selling their mistress.” That is, they are inclined to abandon their mistress in order for the wife, who has begun to fight for her husband, to allow him to increase his status in the family: to have sex more often, to have the opportunity to meet with friends more often, to pursue a career, hobbies, interests, etc. Hence the frequent paradox:

For weak-willed men who do not know how to gain respect
to oneself in one’s own family, rejection of one’s mistress is often the only
option to improve your status in the family.

As a matter of fact, from my point of view as a family psychology professional, this explains a lot in family life. If the wife turns out to be smart and is able to create in her husband a long-term illusion of his leadership in the family, such a man will forever remain at her disposal. If, after the husband remains in the family, he relaxes again and flattens his pride, the man will be able to leave her for that mistress who can create a sense of leadership for him.

5. Ignorance by mistresses of the full extent of the husband’s dependence on his wife and her family. Due to the fact that most of the men who created the “left connection” try to portray themselves as sort of “macho” and people who have achieved everything in life through their own efforts, many mistresses for years never learn that:

- her man’s business was created on the basis of those connections of her wife’s father, through which he will again become poor and useless to anyone;

- her man’s entire career is the result of the help of his wife’s relatives or herself;

— it is the wife who is the inspirer of the man’s entire business, and the business itself is registered in her name;

Hence, mistresses cannot understand why such a successful and seemingly self-sufficient man cannot break off ties with his old and lazy wife. Not knowing that without this wife and her relatives, not a single woman, including this mistress herself, would have fallen for this man.

Deterioration of the mistress’s own appearance during a long-term love affair. The fact remains:

Time usually works for men and against women.

Accordingly, not only the wife, but also the mistress ages and deteriorates in appearance. And if the latter gets fat, becomes uninteresting in appearance, and stops showing sexual initiative, then the married man will ask a logical question: “What’s the point of exchanging my awl for soap? One complete sexy lazy woman with silicone implants for another? As a result, in a fight between two women who lost their competitiveness too early, the one who wins is the one who is connected with a common life and common children.

Deterioration of the lover's character during a long love affair. It is very, very difficult to endure your secondary role for years. For years, celebrating the New Year on February 14, March 8 and May 9 is extremely offensive. However, the fact remains:

Married men usually do not go to the most demanding people,
and to the most accommodating mistresses.

This is because see point number 4. If a mistress begins to squeeze her married friend in a vice, then he asks a logical question: “What is the point of changing one mistress for another? Before this, for years I was built and afraid of one, and now after the divorce I will be afraid of another? Why do I need all this? Therefore, there is such a pattern:

The more demanding a mistress becomes of her married friend,
the less her chances of becoming his legal wife.
The softer and more flexible she is, the higher her chances.

Especially if the wife is prone to tyranny, turning into a lazy and spoiled housewife with whom there is nothing to talk about, etc.

For brevity, I have named only seven of those twenty factors (typical mistakes of mistresses) that ultimately determine the chances of a wife and mistress of possessing a particular man.

I also advise you to read my books such as: How to assess the strength of your marriage Sharp corners of young families Familyquakes. This will help you avoid many mistakes in your couple or family.

I am included in the ranking of the best psychologists in Russia for 2021 https://xn—-dtbbbhscewqobbiixl5d.xn--p1ai/currenttop100.asp

Watch my video tips on the YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk9BXpLyqjPVfXTJHoA2B7g?view_as=subscriber

If you or your married couple need help, I will be happy to give advice from a family psychologist in a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or telephone). Sign up for a personal or online consultation by phone: +7926633520

I INVITE YOU TO MY WEBINAR “WHY YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED,” which will take place on December 11, 2019 at 19.00 Moscow time

I OFFER YOU JUST ONE WEBINAR, WHICH YOU WILL LISTEN WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR HOME, WITH A MUG OF COFFEE, WHICH WILL GIVE YOU IMMEDIATELY ALL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS, AND ALSO A clear “road map” of the actions of that smart wife who wants to prevent the appearance of a mistress or entered into a fight with her. This WEBINAR is not from an amateur blogger or a certified specialist, who will not give you valuable knowledge, but will further ruin the situation for you and teach you the biggest mistakes in your relationship. I am a professional in my field, a certified specialist, Doctor of Science, academician. I am a PRACTITIONER who has been consulting couples every day for more than 27 years and solving their problems in one consultation! I saved more than 80% of all married and loving couples who applied from divorces and separations (and that’s more than 30,000 people!). Everything I talk about in the webinar is not a dry theory. This is practice gained from a huge number of clients, and this is the REALITY that allows me to tell you what awaits you next, and how you can change it now! REGISTER

Sincerely, family psychologist, doctor of science, professor Andrey Zberovsky

Reasons why a married man loves a married woman

Most husbands are not going to divorce. As I noted, they do not see anything wrong with betrayal, so they treat their mistress with ease, as temporary entertainment.

If a girl is unmarried, she intuitively hopes for the continuation of the relationship and its legalization. She has a lot of free time that can be spent on calls, messages, meetings. They are more interested in gifts and constant attention.

A married woman, on the contrary, is different:

Unpretentiousness: she is satisfied with her current situation, she does not want to change anything.
The desire to give all the love and tenderness, she is an experienced woman, she already knows a lot, she does not strive to play a role that is inaccessible.
The need to hide relationships. She will not gossip or tell her colleagues and friends.
Material considerations. It’s simply impossible to give expensive gifts - after all, how will she tell her legal husband about the new acquisition.

Why doesn't a man leave his mistress?

A mistress is a novelty in sex, or perhaps sex in general, because the wife, due to her negative feelings towards her husband, may no longer sleep with him. Also, the appearance of a third party may indicate that there are reservations in the family regarding satisfaction in bed.

Also, the mistress, with her words and calm behavior, gives the man a feeling of support, he feels that he is understood and accepted. She looks at him and touches him in such a way that the man understands: “She needs me. She needs me. She feels bad without me.” And this is a basic male need - to be needed, then he understands that he is cool.

Therefore, a wife should never forget to tell her husband that “I am happy that I have you. You close so many of the questions in my life and our family.” Then the man feels that he is valuable to this system. If the wife does not do this, then he finds a woman on the side who will say: “God, how happy I am that I just have you.”

Men dream about this - to feel important, needed, strong. Then he understands that he is a protector, a provider, a leader. There is no need to argue or fight with a mistress, she does not prove anything, but simply quietly follows him.

To understand the issues of love triangles: why men don’t leave the family, why you sit and wait for him in the hope that a miracle will happen and you will be happy together, register for a free 6-day online course: “Man: honest instructions for application. No drama or manipulation."

What does a married woman want from a married man and why does she prefer him?

In general, the reasons are similar. But jealousy is mixed in. Bachelors have a strong sense of ownership; they are not used to sharing a girl with anyone, even if the legal spouse is claiming. They will express dissatisfaction in every possible way; in case of a breakup, they may even threaten or blackmail.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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A lover who has a spouse will not be jealous, because he himself is in a similar state. He will not make a scene, blackmail, or publicize a secret affair, because he will have to divorce his wife first.

Another “minus” of bachelors is that they need a lot of free time spent together. In addition, the lack of commitment leads to the fact that they have a less regular sex life and uncontrolled sexual intercourse becomes more frequent.

Another advantage of married people is that they are reliable, accustomed to keeping their promised words, and acting appropriately, in accordance with the situation.

We conclude: if a lover and mistress are both married, they are more confident in each other and know how to relax and distract themselves from everyday problems together.

How do you feel in this relationship?

If you are now in the position of a mistress, imagine now your man-lover, that is, the husband of someone’s wife, and evaluate how you currently feel about him. And ask him how he feels about you at this moment in his life? Maybe he already wants to run away from you, or maybe you just met recently and still feel euphoria for each other.

Then ask him another question: “Please tell me why you came into my life (namely a married man)?” Listen to the very first answer. Now ask: “Please tell me what lesson you brought me by coming into my life (married man to a free woman)?” And listen to the first answer too.

Usually, when asked what lesson they brought, girls hear the answer - value and love yourself. This means the time has come for the mistress to make love to herself, because she loves him, but she has not put herself in the first place in her life.

With faith in you, Alla Pilipyuk

How to deal with a married lover

Girls should be careful and not leave traces of their presence, and also not count on too much. In 95 percent of cases, he will not get divorced and will not propose marriage to you. I will give specific recommendations.

Behavior rules

Insist on meetings on neutral territory.
Never use his wife’s things - do not use perfumes, hygiene products, cosmetics.
Do not call first, do not write SMS or messages on social networks. Your best option is not to leave any written evidence of affection.
Don't demand too much: family is always more important.

If you are confused and find yourself in a difficult situation, I recommend signing up for my consultation. I will listen to your problems, give advice and recommendations.

Benefits of being a lover

This is an easy relationship - there is no need to give reports, promises, you can break it off at any time. No guilt, only freedom.
A rich experience. How can you find out the type of man that suits you if you don’t try to get closer to him?
Have a nice stay. The beloved on the side receives more entertainment, cafes and even trips to resorts than the legal spouse. Enjoy life without obligations.
Rest from household duties. You will open the buttons on the shirt, and someone else will sew them on. How to cook borscht, wash socks, iron suits.
Fresh emotions, including from extreme sports.
Material support. Often a man strives to provide for his beloved. You can expect even such large gifts as a car or an apartment from a well-to-do businessman.

What's next?

What will happen next after you have confessed or your wife has found out about your infidelity, after you have quarreled or talked to sort things out, depends on the wife herself. Her decision will be influenced by many factors. She will be subject to her own emotions and desires. Her opinion can be influenced by other people and public opinion in general. She will also take into account how she found out about your infidelity and how you behaved when she tried to find out the whole truth.

A man needs to be patient. However, you should not be too intrusive. However, you shouldn’t disappear completely from a woman’s life if you still want to get your wife back. If you intend to stay with your mistress or are ready to accept any outcome of events, then it is better to leave your wife alone until she decides for herself whether to stay with you or not.

The wife can either leave or stay. This is influenced by many factors. A woman’s behavior is also different after she learns about her husband’s infidelity.

Why do guys have relationships on the side?

Any person gets tired of monotony, and the male half of humanity has never been monogamous. Causes:

Mental rejuvenation. This is especially true for people aged 45+. They are interested in younger girls, they make them feel young and reckless.
I want to get away from my wife's nagging. The spouse nags on various issues, while the mistress is ready to listen with understanding.
Aesthetic pleasure: in the evenings he is greeted by a beautifully made-up, well-groomed lady in sexy lingerie, and not slippers, a robe and curlers.
New sensations in bed. Sex with the same partner for 10-20 years often leads to decreased libido.
Revenge on the wife if she committed adultery.

Advice for a married lover

In connection with the reasons for betrayal, I want to emphasize that you will not replace his family, but only several areas of his life. Therefore, 95% of the time he will not abandon his wife. Do not spoil your and his nerves by demanding a divorce, blackmailing, contacting your wife.

Ask a question

Rules of conduct and secrets of the ideal lover

Are you wondering how to be a good lover for a man? Then take into account a few useful rules. By observing them, you can be sure that your loved one will not allow the thought of searching for a new object of his desires. Let's sort it out in order. So, the ideal lover:

knows exactly what the partner wants;
knows how to surprise a lover;
gives a lot, asks for nothing in return;
does not behave intrusively, does not control;
does not pose a tough choice, testing feelings for strength;
does not complain, is not capricious;
does not put himself above, does not point out shortcomings;
knows how to forgive, forgets mistakes;
does not teach life;
values communication.

Now let's look at the important aspects of relationships from a psychological point of view and reveal the main secrets of a good lover:

Don't make your partner feel guilty. This is a serious management tool, but not everyone knows how to use it correctly. Manipulation often leads to separation.
Don't try to hold him as a child - it's a bad idea.
Don't control. A man wants to feel free, and not be accountable for every step.
Don't start a showdown with your legal wife. Attempts to assert yourself and show that they chose you can serve as a catalyst for a breakup. Please note that in such a situation you will lose more than you gain.
Give up hysterics and showdowns, because next to you he is looking for peace and harmony.
To understand how to behave with a married lover, remember that sex does not always play a primary role. For such a partner, you will have to be a psychologist and adviser, listen to complaints about misunderstandings and quarrels with your wife, and provide moral support.
Keep secrets. Happiness loves silence, so there is no point in trumpeting at every corner about a “forbidden” connection.

In conclusion, to all of the above, I would like to add that any woman who is concerned about the question: “How to become a good lover?” should learn to be silent and listen more, and prefer languid sighs to boring phrases and moralizing. Also, one should not forget about a well-groomed appearance (stylish hairstyle, lace lingerie, stockings, high-heeled shoes). All this together will make you simply irresistible.

Recommendations if a married woman falls in love with a married man

In this situation, it is necessary to understand that both partners are in an equal position. Adviсe:

Respect his personal space, then he will take care of yours too.
Set boundaries and agreements – when and where meetings are scheduled, how communication will take place.
Take care of your family and value it above all else - lovers can change, but children will always remain.
Don't get involved with your spouse's friend/colleague, this will lead to the connection being quickly revealed.
Hide your emotions in front of your husband. If he is attentive, he will notice the shine of his eyes, increased attention to appearance, and a loving smile when reading an SMS.
Make sure you have a good alibi. This could be a club you go to with a friend. A great option is going to the gym 3 times a week.
Label gifts, but don't hide them. Tell us about your mother’s birthday present or your own purchase with the bonus you received.
Correspondence and calls - only at work using a company computer/phone. No personal gadgets.
Wash away the smell of men's perfume and the aroma of aftershave lotion.

How to get away from the family

This is a rare occurrence, but you can achieve a divorce following these recommendations:

Act quickly. An impulsive decision is made in the first months of falling in love.
Find out more about personality, habits, activities, preferences.
Become a friend, listen to complaints, give advice.
Collect information about your wife and be better than her - externally, intellectually.
Give him what he doesn't get at home.
Don’t dismiss your problems; if you want to help, he will become interested himself.
Don't focus on finances.
Any contact with the legal spouse is prohibited.

Main secret5

It's actually not that difficult to achieve success. Representatives of the stronger sex willingly go to the house where they are expected and loved. Where their opinion is valued and considered valuable, where they are listened to, understood and not judged. The right mistress will not swear, make trouble or sort things out. She gets pleasure and bonuses, and he gets sex and communication.

In modern society, morality is outdated. Therefore, girls need to kill the victim in themselves. Everyone determines the scope of morality and the boundaries of what is permitted. Therefore, if you want a relationship with a married man, and he doesn’t mind, then what can stop them?

Any kept woman understands perfectly well what she is getting into. Therefore, it is stupid to quarrel, conflict and cause scenes of jealousy. The rules were known from the beginning and it’s strange to be offended by them.

You may not be able to control yourself and inform your wife, but this is unlikely to bring a divorce. But breaking up a relationship with your mistress is very possible. Therefore, it is better to pretend to be nice and take advantage of the situation.

Is it possible to avoid betrayal?

To rule out adultery, give your spouse:

a varied sex life - don’t be afraid to experiment in bed;
a stable life with its own foundations;
aesthetic pleasure - visit the beauty salon and gym more often, do not forget to put on makeup before dinner together;
do not give reasonable reasons for jealousy.

With such a life partner, a faithful person will not want to turn to the left.