To support someone means to share their feelings, to show that the person is not alone in their experiences. We all need support at least once in our lives. This is especially valuable when experiencing loss, grief or bereavement.
Calls to “pull yourself together” and “hold on” have nothing to do with support, as well as advice, lamentations, lectures and intimidation (yes, this also happens) - all this only interferes and upsets those who are already having a hard time. So what to do if you want to support a loved one?
Be prepared to listen a lot, be silent a lot and talk a lot
Everyone experiences loss in their own way: some want to speak out, others want to remain silent, and others will ask a lot of questions. Your job is to be there and give the person what they need. You can actively listen: nod, assent, ask clarifying questions. Or silently hug. Or talk about unrelated topics if the person asks for it. You can reflect your emotions: “I feel sad too when you talk about this,” “I understand your anger.”
If you realize that you can’t cope and feel that your loved one needs professional help, suggest contacting a psychologist.
4.Think outside the box
“It sounds strange, but I feel incredible support from ... my robot vacuum cleaner,” Alice Boyes unexpectedly admits. “On those days when I have a hard time, being able to delegate the cleaning to him is especially important.”
We can also get support by going to a fitness center, yoga class, running or hiking group—in short, by being among those who share our interests.
Another way to receive social support is through social networks. Asking your friends or followers what music to listen to to lift your mood can give you great recommendations. It's especially nice to know that people took the time to respond to our request and share what they like.
Expert recommendation: “Engage in self-observation - pay attention to little things that give a strong sense of social support, and try different options.”
Even when it’s difficult and it seems like there’s no one to lean on, you should remember: we are not alone. When emotions overwhelm you, it is important not to isolate yourself - from people, new opportunities and experiences.
Don't be intrusive, but let them know you're there
A person can experience grief alone. He is free to do as he wants, even if you think it’s not the best idea. Don't be intrusive, but make it clear that you are always ready to support. You can periodically invite your loved one to meet, talk on the phone, or just be nearby without words. You shouldn’t use all your might to distract a person from grief—let him survive it. But if you notice that your loved one is increasingly immersed in despair and sadness, then gently discuss with him the possibility of seeking help from a specialist.
How to support someone from a distance
It is not always possible to be with a person in difficult moments of his life. If for some reason you are far away and cannot come, use modern means of communication.
Be sure to call the person, don’t limit yourself to text messages. Let him hear your voice and speak out himself. Tell him that he can call you at any time of the day or night, and stay in touch. But you shouldn’t call every 5 minutes. Before calling, it is better to write first and ask if the person wants to talk.
In between calls, send the person encouraging text messages. They should not be impersonal and stereotyped. You shouldn’t send him sheets of poems copied from the Internet and quotes that set your teeth on edge. Write only sincere words that come from the heart.
I will give you a few examples of suitable phrases for correspondence with a person in a difficult situation. Take them as a guide and write something of your own - don’t blindly copy.
- “You can always count on me, no matter what happens.”
- “I understand how hard it is for you now. Is there anything I can help you with?”
- “If you want to talk, call at any time. I'm with you!"
- “You are a wonderful person and deserve the best. I'm sure everything will work out."
- “Be patient, you will feel better soon. In the meantime, I’ll be around.”
Accept the grieving person whole
Sometimes a person may assure you that he will cope with grief on his own because he does not want anyone to see him depressed or crying. Perhaps this is an internal ban on emotions. In such a situation, you can let your loved one know that you will accept him as anyone.
In the book “Accept and survive loss, grief, bereavement: How to learn to enjoy life again,” psychologist Alexander Ryazantsev offers a technique called “approximation.” Sit as close to the person as possible. Do not distract or try to “pull” him out of sadness - let your loved one behave as he wants. This way you will show that you are there for him in any condition.
If you want to bring a friend facing a loss back to full communication, you need to learn to calmly accept their grieving. A person should not be afraid to cry, show his feelings, talk about what happened. If he is not having fun, but sits and is sad, this should not bother you. Show that with sadness you also appreciate, love, respect him and admit that you do not expect sociability or ostentatious cheerfulness from him.
Listening to the problem
The most important thing is to be sure to give the person the opportunity to speak out. There is no need to be afraid of the stream of “outpourings of soul” and to plunge into panic: not a single person will demand violent intervention and an immediate solution to absolutely all difficulties. It is also better to postpone questions, recommendations and accumulated wisdom for later: at this stage, a person only needs to understand that he is not alone, that he is heard, and openly sympathized with him. Listening does not mean standing still and remaining silent until the end of the monologue. Such actions rather smack of indifference. Words that soothe the soul: certainly, of course; expressions of support (“I understand you, I support you”). Sometimes you should repeat “hackneyed” phrases or words - all this will demonstrate that the support is not feigned, but comes from the heart. At the same time, this will help both of them concentrate on their own thoughts.
Show that it’s okay to cry and be sad
If you notice that a loved one continues to block emotions, then you can show him by example that it is normal to grieve. Talk about your emotions, show them. Here is the case described by Alexander Ryazantsev:
“In the early 2000s, a well-known consultant, working with loss at a seminar in St. Petersburg, burst into tears at the end of the session. The man was 70 or 80 years old, and, of course, this shocked our St. Petersburg therapeutic circle: a professional psychotherapist with extensive work experience - and he was crying. When he was asked: “How can this be?! You are a therapist working with someone who is experiencing grief. Why are you crying and he’s not?”, the consultant answered very simply: “Someone had to show that crying is not scary and not dangerous, that a person will not die if he cries.” In doing so, he helped the client take the first step toward publicly grieving.”
“Time will pass, it will get easier”
Indeed, this is a fact. We won’t even remember the numerous everyday troubles that happened a year or three ago. All problems will become a thing of the past. Sooner or later, someone comes to replace a betrayed comrade or an unhappy love. Money difficulties are also resolved over time. It is possible to find a better job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one is easier to bear over time. It is important to survive the period of shock and move on.
Empathize, but don't connect to grief
When supporting a loved one in their grief, be attentive to yourself. Maintain boundaries and awareness: “Your grief is here, and I am here. I'm next to you, but we're not together. This is your grief, not mine, I respect it, but I keep some distance .
It is important to maintain emotional tolerance: to empathize with your loved one, but not to “disappear” with him, to remain safe and clearly distinguish between your own and someone else’s. This is not an easy task. If you feel that you cannot cope with it, you need to consult a psychologist.
Accept that all grief is right.
Can any emotional reaction to death be considered wrong? Psychologists say no. Any emotion that a person experiences is normal.
For example, a person may experience stupor after hearing about a death, accident, or other sad situation. Some describe this state as “emptiness, when there are no tears, no emotions, and you just feel like nothing.” This is a defensive reaction to dull the pain. Usually a person begins to realize the loss and experience grief after some time.
You can also feel angry – even at someone who has died. Or guilt due to not having time to say or do something.
People often hide the fact that they feel relief after the death of a loved one. It’s a shame to admit this, because it contradicts the concept of love, but in fact, this emotion is also absolutely normal. Seriously ill relatives or friends require constant care. This is very difficult and places a heavy burden on the shoulders of loved ones, which is not customary to talk about publicly. A feeling of relief indicates that the difficult period is over: your loved one has stopped suffering, and you can start living again. Psychologists also say that joy during a period of mourning is a useful emotion. It helps to feel gratitude towards the deceased. Bright memories, good moments that cause laughter and sentimental feelings help to cope with grief; there is nothing abnormal about this.
If you want to support a loved one who is experiencing loss, then tell them that all their emotions are normal. And you are ready to accept without judgment and support any of his conditions.
How to support a woman
Women are very emotional by nature. Any of their grief, as a rule, is accompanied by rivers of tears. And this is good - negative emotions that find a way out do not destroy the body.
Get ready to be a vest for your wife, girlfriend or girlfriend for some time. Let her talk it out and have a good cry. Don't interrupt or be distracted, make it clear that you care about her grief.
Representatives of the fair sex need tactile contact more than men. Friendly hugs sometimes work better than any words. You can take the girl by the hand, pat her on the head, offer your shoulder. Just watch the response. If she pulls away, maintain a comfortable distance.
One medicine always works for all girls - shopping. But only if the scale of the problem is not too large. If, for example, someone close to her died, she found out that she has cancer and is in the hospital before surgery, then there is no time for shopping.
If you want to better understand male and female psychology and relationships between the sexes, read our selection of books on relationship psychology.
Safe words: Don't say that to people who are going through grief.
- “I know how you feel,” “I know how you feel.” You have not been in such a situation, you cannot know.
- “Everything will pass”, “Time heals”, “Then it will be easier.” Grieving is a non-linear process; when you grieve, everything goes away. Grieving is a spiraling process where it can still be difficult a year or five years later.
- “Get ready!”, “Courage!”. Don't tell me to be persistent. A person who needs support does not want to be persistent, he needs the opposite. He wants to find support, share the emotional burden, not “hold on” - but relax and feel better. When you say a phrase like “be strong,” you are conveying “support is denied, decide everything yourself, be strong.”
Don't give unsolicited advice: it will only irritate you. Practical help is very important, but only if it is asked for. Don’t talk about someone else’s grief or similar situations. Don’t lament in the spirit of “What should we do now?” - this increases the pain.
What can we say then?
- "I'm with you, I'm close."
- “I am always ready to listen to you.”
- “If you need anything, just tell me, I’m ready to help.”
- “You can contact me any time.”
- “I want to support you. What can I do for you? Do you want…” (offer several options).
- “I’m ordering groceries now, let me order you too, what do you need now?” — you can offer any other specific help.
- You are not alone. You can share everything with me, don't keep it to yourself.
- “Can I ask once a week what’s going on with you?”
- Your feelings are normal, I understand you. You can use this phrase if a person admits that he is ashamed or afraid of his experiences.
- What happened to you is truly terrible. I am very sorry, I sympathize with you, I grieve with you. American psychologist John Goth. Admitting that a loved one has experienced grief and that it is hard for you to see their pain is important.
If you think it's appropriate, hug the person. You can do it without words.
