Soothing words: examples, tips on how to choose the right words

October 8, 2018
Psychology of communication
Bogdana Sisyuk

Words that calm a person are not only a manifestation of compassion, but thanks to them you show your own involvement in the problems, troubles and grief of another. Of course, there are no typical phrases that will be correct in certain conditions, suitable for a man or a lady, a grandmother or a young man. It is very important that the phrases come from the heart and are permeated with your emotions, however, you also do not need to forget about certain human factors. For example, be prepared that a person who is excited about something may react differently to words than usual, be more irritable, not make compromises, etc. What words to calm a person down and how to do this are described below.

Listening to the problem

The most important thing is to be sure to give the person the opportunity to speak out. There is no need to be afraid of the stream of “outpourings of soul” and to plunge into panic: not a single person will demand violent intervention and an immediate solution to absolutely all difficulties. It is also better to postpone questions, recommendations and accumulated wisdom for later: at this stage, a person only needs to understand that he is not alone, that he is heard, and openly sympathized with him. Listening does not mean standing still and remaining silent until the end of the monologue. Such actions rather smack of indifference. Words that soothe the soul: certainly, of course; expressions of support (“I understand you, I support you”). Sometimes you should repeat “hackneyed” phrases or words - all this will demonstrate that the support is not feigned, but comes from the heart. At the same time, this will help both of them concentrate on their own thoughts.

Visualize together

Creating a vision board is a good way to organize your thoughts, calm yourself, and determine your priorities. Find more old magazines, a piece of Whatman paper (a board with magnets or a refrigerator will also work) and invite a friend to have fun.

Look for metaphors in the illustrations for whatever he is worried about. Come up with a solution or action plan for each problem. Sometimes it’s enough just to see everything that worries you on one sheet of paper to understand the situation.

Gesture

There is a simple combination of gestures to help sympathizers. An open body position (without crossing arms), a slightly lowered head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person to be listened to), supportive nods, a benevolent grunt in the rhythm of the conversation and open palms are intuitively perceived as a sign of attentiveness and interest. If we are talking about a loved one with whom it is customary to maintain physical contact, relaxing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the person talking is hysterical, and this often happens, then the only way to calm him down is to squeeze him tightly in your arms. This means: I am always there, I understand you, I will protect you. It is preferable not to do the following experiments with almost strangers regarding physical contact:

firstly, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation;
secondly, such actions can repel a person who is not close enough.

In addition, you need to act very carefully if in front of you is someone who has suffered from physical violence.

You can also use soothing music for the soul without words (Enigma, classics, melodic compositions, or even just sounds of nature on audio). The main thing is to choose the right playlist.

Forgiveness as acceptance of an offense is the most important way

Let's look at the situation using the example of March 8th.

There is a girl and a guy who have been dating for 2-3 years, but it doesn’t matter. The young man declares that he is inviting a girl to an interesting place on March 8th and wants to surprise her. The girl walks around joyfully, thinks with interest where the MCH will invite her, and has already formed in her head the idea that they will go to a cool Japanese restaurant. The girl is looking forward to March 8, all thoughts are only about the Japanese restaurant.

Read more: How to get rid of guilt

Day H comes and in the evening the couple, on the initiative of MCH, goes to a cool burger joint, arriving at the place the girl realizes that her expectations were not met, and slowly begins to be disappointed, and her mood deteriorates, but she doesn’t show it from the beginning.

This feeling inside grows more and more, and after a good evening, the accumulated resentment and anger pour out on MCH like a full tub of slop with claims, what a fool you are, I wanted to go to a Japanese restaurant, but you’re such a fool.

In such situations, there are two ways of development of events:

Full of condemnation, pour out anger, take offense, and so on and so forth, ruin all relationships.
To justify the offender is the most environmentally friendly, simple and aimed at healing from the offense.

If you chose the first item, then close the page, if you chose the second, then continue...

Words of support for a loved one

The other half must constantly feel the support of a loved one, since everyone is a support for each other in a difficult situation, a vest in misfortune and a person with whom they share success. It is definitely necessary to speak out one more time about your own feelings, repeating that it is easier to cope with all sorts of problems together. Be sure to express your own feelings: “How painful it is to watch you upset,” “I worry too, just like you.” Such phrases bring people together, make the conversation sincere and create a trusting atmosphere. And even if you are unable to choose the necessary words or know that chatter is currently unnecessary, just stay close. In some cases, no words can replace the presence of a loved one.

Consequences of Vulnerability

In addition to frequent conflicts and quarrels that lead to the breakdown of relationships, offended people expose their bodies to constant stress. No one has canceled psychosomatics, so any negativity that we accumulate inside can ultimately result in the development of serious diseases. Unwilling or unable to forgive, we occupy our thoughts with self-pity, accusations and anger. Definitely, this interferes with enjoying life, creates a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, and becomes the cause of irritability and nervousness.

Words to a man in difficult times

Representatives of the stronger sex react much more sharply to everyday troubles, believing that the responsibility lies entirely with them; after all, they are raised this way from an early age. However, in reality there are situations where the male is not to blame for what happened, but he continues to reproach himself. In this case, it is necessary as gently as possible, not urgently and not at all hostile, to assure the man that he should not blame himself. The following words are suitable: “This case is not your fault at all,” “This is a coincidence of factors independent of you,” etc. It is important to help a man stop being carried away by self-flagellation, and start looking for a solution to the problem. Under no circumstances should you express your own sympathy using the adjectives “poor”, “unfortunate”, or express pity. On the contrary, it is necessary to encourage a man with phrases that he is strong, that his energy is enough to cope with more difficult tasks. Even if we say that the representative of the stronger sex is incredibly wise and will find a way out of this mess, his ambitions will not allow him to remain with a sad face and be inactive. In order to prove the words spoken to him, the man will be active and strong.

Practice breathing techniques

Breathing exercises are often recommended as a way to cope with stress, but not everyone wants or can do it alone. Learn a few techniques and invite a friend to practice them together. Start first, and your friend will see that this is not such a stupid idea.

One of the simplest exercises: breathing 4-7-8. Exhale completely through your mouth, then inhale for four counts. Hold your breath for 7 counts, and then exhale, counting to 8. A couple of repetitions are enough to come to your senses. Heroine has already told you more about other popular simple breathing techniques.

For a woman - support in your own words

The girl, on the contrary, needs to be calmed down first, and then probably there will be no need to find a solution to the difficulties, everything will probably go away on its own with “hysteria.” Finding words of help is very important in such a situation. For example, if the root cause of a disgusting mood is a break with a loved one, then you need to compliment her on her good appearance, tell her that she is an excellent housewife and is still quite young. It’s good when the environment allows you to get distracted and do other things - hiking, having fun with friends, cooking - all this can tear a girl away from sad thoughts.

Learning to identify resentment

To understand the offense, we must understand our behavior, if suddenly you start to get angry that a person is not behaving the way you want, congratulations, you are the one who is offended, another question is how much the offense is.

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If you are a touchy person, but at the same time forgive quickly, then there is no point in worrying, everything will pass quickly. The main problem is people who are offended for a very long time, and if this is a relative or close person, then it is very difficult to live next to such a person, when they are constantly angry with you on the sly, this is difficult to tolerate if you do not suffer from masochism.

It’s probably impossible to count how many marriages were destroyed because of resentment, but if you understand this epidemic and learn to forgive, then life will become much easier, and most importantly, in love and happily.

The root of the problem lies in the psychology of the touchy person and his inner child; such people have low self-esteem, do not want to take responsibility, but try to shift everything onto other people and justify themselves, “I’m good, it’s others who want to hurt me.”

Words in difficult times for the fair half of humanity

There are many ways to calm a girl down with words at a distance. And the first thing is to write SMS or call. Young girls in tense situations can act very unreasonably. For this reason, the main thing is not only to calm and distract them from the difficulty, but also to isolate them as much as possible from business and assignments. You need to try to immerse the young lady in an ocean of positive feelings, but it is important to avoid ordinary phrases: “Everything is fine,” “Everything will end,” “I sympathize,” etc. They will only worsen the situation. You definitely need to try to talk with the girl about how she feels, help release all her negative feelings, and only then help her find a way out of a difficult problem for her. This is the only way to find soothing words for a girl.

Letting out emotions

I’ll say right away that the word “calm down” does not work. Especially when it is said at the peak of emotions. Yes, you can calm down long and hard, suppress anger, but then something will be the last straw. And now before us is no longer just an angry person, but an enraged one. So, if you understand that emotions have accumulated, then they need to be brought out. How to do this without causing harm (mental and physical) to yourself and others?

PS The methods have been personally tested. Their essence is the same - to reduce the jumping level of hormones.

Hit the pillow.
Tear up the newspaper.
Scream. Not at someone, but into the emptiness of an endless field and forest. Release your anger.
Clench and unclench your fists.
Do push-ups, run, walk.
Take a deep breath and hold your breath.
Meditate, do auto-training, master self-regulation techniques.
Draw.
Dance.
Clean up your house.
Write your emotions, complaints, describe your condition. You can break a pen or pencil (from the force of pressure), but you must express all the pain on paper. It's good if the letter has an addressee. After this, burn the sheet.
Draw. Any strokes, lines. Create something completely chaotic on the sheet, cross it out. Don't control the pressure. Now look. This is your anger. This black (blue) shapeless (or shaped) spot is your anger. It sits in you. What is this lump of? Grievances? Emptiness? What can this be replaced with or filled in with?

Akin to the advice to calm down is the option of counting to 10. Of course, it helps some, but more often it gives time to accelerate before the flash. Taking a deep breath is a more effective idea. The brain will be saturated with oxygen, the balance of hormones will quickly change, and you will be able to take a sober look at the situation.

“I was choking with anger and hatred. I didn’t hate society—an abstraction invented by worthless sociologists—I hated the entire universe. I wanted to hurt her in revenge for the pain caused to me,” A. Murdoch.

To a friend who found herself in a difficult situation

Who, if not her best friend, will a young girl turn to in a difficult situation? Of course, it is initially necessary to listen to your friend, especially if you know that she wants to speak out. Expressing the problem will relieve the soul and can help you look at the problem from a different perspective. Phrases of consolation, advice are what a young girl will obviously want to hear, for this reason there is no need to be embarrassed to interpret your own constructive thought, it is only important to remember that in this situation it is necessary to communicate your own position delicately and not persistently.

What should you write to someone who has been fired from their job?

Losing a job often causes negative emotions. There is a selection of messages suitable for cheering up a fired person:

Don't be sad, it's for the better. This work did not reveal, but suppressed your potential. You need something more suitable to suit your abilities;
It's OK! With your intelligence, good experience and many positive qualities, if you search seriously, you will soon find a new place that will be much better. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a week you’ll be in another company in a higher position;
Don't worry so much! It is not difficult for you to find a job with a similar salary and closer to your home. You will also feel joy from the fact that you will stop wasting a lot of time on the road and will put the saved hours to good use;
Judging by your stories, they didn’t treat you well there. Stop wasting your life on such a thankless pastime. You deserve a place where the conditions and treatment of employees will be much better;
Don't worry too much! It’s better to spend your nerves searching for vacancies. There are many sites with similar information. Register, send out your details and quickly get settled again. This is not a reason to worry.

Expressions that should not be used

There are several common phrases that initially come to mind if you need to support someone. It is preferable not to use these phrases:

Don't worry!

When a person experiences failure or misfortune, he has reason to worry about it. He is unable to immediately stop thinking about his dilemma. He needs to feel it, focus on his thoughts, share his pain, fear, disappointment with someone. For this reason, the saying “Don’t worry!” sounds like “I don’t care what happened to you!”

Everything will be settled! Everything will get better!

At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a joke. A person is faced with the fact that he has no idea how to solve his own problem. He needs to think about how to normalize everything. He doubts that the situation will turn out to be beneficial for him, and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how can an empty statement that everything will be sorted out help? Such phrases sound even more mocking when a friend has lost a loved one.

Do not Cry!

Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. It is necessary to give the person the opportunity to cry, speak out, and give vent to his feelings. He will feel better. You just need to embrace him and be close.

You shouldn't use someone who is worse off as an example.

A person who has lost his job and has nothing to support his family does not care at all if children are malnourished somewhere in Africa. Anyone who has recently learned about a dangerous diagnosis is not very interested in cancer mortality statistics. In addition, there is no need to give examples of situations that affect mutual friends.

When trying to support your loved one, do not forget that during this period he is mentally depressed by his own problem. It is necessary to carefully choose the wording so as not to inadvertently offend or touch on a sensitive topic.

How to support a friend if he is in a sad mood?

In order to cheer up a sad friend, the following phrases are suitable:

Chin up! Let's try to change that sad expression on your face. When you smile, it's as if you begin to glow from within. For this reason, it’s worth coming up with a reason to smile;
You've already had difficult moments that are left behind. Agree that now many of them are forgotten or vaguely remembered. After some time, this trouble will remain a blurred spot in the memory;
Try to look at this situation from the other side. You have values that are so coveted by many: health, good looks, a lively mind and a sense of humor. With such qualities one cannot be depressed for long;
It will be useful for you to unwind a little, choose the next free evening and spend it with friends. You'll see how a heart-to-heart conversation and a change of scenery will affect your mood!

In this video, psychologist Andrei Bukushev will tell you what words are best to support a loved one in difficult times, how and when it is best to say them:

“Time will pass, it will get easier”

Indeed, this is a fact. We won’t even remember the numerous everyday troubles that happened a year or three ago. All problems will become a thing of the past. Sooner or later, someone comes to replace a betrayed comrade or an unhappy love. Money difficulties are also resolved over time. It is possible to find a better job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one is easier to bear over time. It is important to survive the period of shock and move on.

Organize a tea party

A soothing herbal tea will be a good accompaniment for a friendly conversation. For example, chamomile tea has been shown to bind to the same brain receptors as the drug Valium. Of course, the effect of herbs is not as powerful as that of tranquilizers, but there is no harm. Make calming tea ceremonies regular; over time, herbal infusions will help reduce anxiety.