What to do when you don’t know what to do: advice from psychologists

If you recently graduated from college and now have a job you hate

, or your employment is temporary, this material is for you.
You don't have to strain yourself to save the world. Or launching a new Amazon.com. Or figuring out how to get your own cooking show on TV. Or tomorrow turn into Oprah Winfrey. No. All you have to do is start. Here are 9 tips to help you find your own path if you don't know what to do
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Assess the situation soberly

The first thing you need to do is put your emotions aside and assess the situation. Is she really that hopeless? Perhaps there are some advantages to it after all? How to proceed?

It's best to do this in writing so you don't miss anything. Write down all possible scenarios and their possible consequences.

You can ask someone you know to help you. The less this situation concerns him, the better. A fresh, unbiased look will be very helpful.

If you are faced with a serious life-changing choice, for example, where to go after school or where to go to work, read our article “How to develop intuition.” It will help you reach your subconscious and get an answer.

Find someone who did what he wanted

If you're struggling to figure out what steps to take to get where you want to go, find someone who's already been there.

The great thing about today's world is that everything you would like to do has already been done by someone else.

Mentors help you build resilience. Sometimes we think we have it especially hard and forget to acknowledge that others have had problems too.

Knowing that your mentors have been through what you are going through helps you commit to the work you have to do because you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

By reading about other people, you will see that they too have had to face difficulties and challenges... Knowing how hard someone has worked to achieve their goals or dreams gives you an extra boost of confidence and determination to stick with it a little longer.

If you want to be a writer, actor, artist, big businessman, all the information is available to you online.

And if you want first-hand experience, then go out and do it—volunteer for an organization or ask a professional if you can shadow them for a day or a week. Who knows, you might find something you might be passionate about.

Don't cut from the shoulder

Never make impulsive decisions. In a shattered, unstable state, there is a high probability of making a mistake, which will be very difficult to correct later. Sometimes it is useful to suspend the situation for a while, perhaps everything will resolve itself. If you don’t know what to do, and you can’t postpone making a decision, choose the path with the least risks.

Sometimes to solve a problem you just need to take a break. Or, as some American psychologists say, “go out onto the balcony” - breathe fresh air there, and then, already rested, return to the problem.
Pause does not mean “sit and do nothing.” You just need to distract yourself with something. For example, you can train your brain on simulators from Vikium, which I recommend to readers in all my articles and which I myself use three times a day. They are free, exciting, and besides, there are already a hundred of them now and new ones are constantly appearing.
Another option is to read a book. Not necessarily fiction - you can read authors such as Napoleon Hill, Robert Kiyosaki, Jim Rohn, Randy Gage, etc.

SWOT analysis

This business planning method helps evaluate a particular decision. To do this, you need to analyze it according to four points:

S - Strengths - strengths.
W - Weaknesses - weaknesses.
O - Opportunities - opportunities.
T - Threats - threats.

Moreover, SWOT analysis will help to bring the non-ideal solution to the optimal one. Let's return to our example with chips:

S - they quickly satisfy hunger, are inexpensive, and easy to buy.
W - chips are difficult to classify as a healthy, balanced food.
O - you can eat them on the way and be in time everywhere.
T - in the long term, excessive consumption of chips can lead to health problems.

The solution is not perfect, and we see its weaknesses. But there is nothing critical. The prospect of having a quick bite and being able to get everywhere looks tempting. And to minimize the damage, it is enough to keep the rest of your meals healthy.

Reconsider your approach to the problem

Draw a random scale on paper. You can take an ordinary centimeter ruler as a sample. This will be a scale for objective assessment of your problem. At one end, let there be a state of maximum comfort and carefreeness, and at the other, absolute hopelessness, leading to inevitable death. Mark several intermediate divisions between the two extremes. Now find the place on the scale that adequately reflects the position of your problem in this coordinate system.

If you are not terminally ill, your house did not burn down in a fire, you did not lose all your close relatives overnight, then your situation will be somewhere in the middle. You are still very far from the extreme point of despair, but you worry as if the worst has already happened.

Remember what good things you have in your life and thank fate for it. Millions of people don't have even a hundredth part of what you have.

Aphorisms for the occasion - for the sake of thought

The beauty of aphorisms is that each person interprets them in his own way. I offer you several popular sayings of great people about the meaning of life. Perhaps this will be a “magic kick” for you. Well, take a little break from the previous “overload”.

A. Ananyev: “The goal of life cannot consist only of the promised eternal bliss; the golden gates of heaven awaiting us, to which only we should turn our thoughts and deeds, is wonderful; but there is, that is, there must certainly be something else... that brings satisfaction not in the mythical future, but today, here on earth. The purpose of life is the desire for immortality (even just name); The meaning of life is the choice of path (and actions) to achieve a goal.”
Aristotle: “What is the meaning of life? Serve others and do good. Every person individually and everyone together has, one might say, a certain goal, in pursuit of which they choose one thing and avoid another... Happiness is the goal of life.”
V. Belinsky: “Without a goal there is no activity, without interests there is no goal, and without activity there is no life.”
W. James: “Believe in the fact that there is something to live for, and your faith will help this fact come true.”
P. Coelho: “Life is a mystery that you must be able to accept and not torment yourself with the constant question: “What is the meaning of my life?” It’s better to fill your life with meaning and things that are important to you.”
B. Pascal: “The past and present are our means, only the future is our goal.”
P. Tkachev: “The life goal of each individual is to preserve and maintain his individuality.”
T. Wilder: “Life has no other meaning than the one we give it.”
O. Wilde: “The purpose of life is self-expression. To manifest our essence in its entirety - that’s what we live for.”

Don't blame yourself

We are not gods to foresee and control everything - our sphere of influence is very limited. If you are used to blaming yourself for all the failures that happen to you, then you are a hyper-responsible person.

Hyper-responsibility often leads to self-destruction - this is the main psychological cause of cardiovascular diseases. Therefore, you need to get rid of the tendency to self-flagellation. As soon as the next time your brain starts a chain of painful thoughts, about how you should have done it this way and not that way, that you are so and so bad, tell it STOP and with an effort of will, switch your attention to some important things.

The structure and essence of the meaning of life

Despite all the ambiguity of the issue, scientists have been able to identify some stable provisions about the meaning of life, for example, regarding its structure. It is noted that, as a rule, there are several meanings in life: the leader and the subordinates. Based on this principle, the following models of meaning formation are distinguished:

All meanings peacefully coexist or oppose each other.
Subordination of all meanings to one leader.
Change in additional meanings under the influence and growth of the leader.
Inconsistency between the leading and additional principles (that is, the division of the inner world in two).
The leading meaning serves only as a cover for the ever-evolving true meanings.
The breakdown of the main meaning into secondary ones.
There is one leading meaning, but it is interconnected with others and can change.

Thus, the meaning of life is life goals, the means of achieving them (abilities) and the result (information obtained during professional activities, communication and knowledge of the world).

The first conversation about the meaning of life, as a rule, comes in adolescence. Young children can also pronounce this concept, but probably blindly repeating after adults. According to developmental psychology, at this age a child cannot consciously be puzzled by this question.

In adolescence, a person begins to look for the meaning of his life in the present, in youth - to build goals and dream about the future, in maturity - to embody ideas and adjust them taking into account the realities of the existing subjective and objective world.

The meaning of life is based on an individual’s sense of his place in society, his goals and interests, and ideas about the possibility of their implementation. The main characteristics of the meaning of life include:

duality (can be constructive or destructive for the individual);
realism (correspondence of meaning to objective conditions and capabilities of the person himself).

Thus, the meaning of life is an axis that helps a person adhere to a single line, build all his spheres according to one thread. Due to this, the individual perceives his life as a whole, and not by spheres (leisure, family, work), and also perceives himself holistically. For example, if there is inconsistency of meanings, a person can be a sycophant at work and a tyrant at home.

Mobilize all your resources

A difficult situation is not the time to relax and give up. On the contrary, you need to use all your hidden and dormant reserves. If, for example, you are suddenly faced with an acute shortage of money, you need to take an inventory of your skills and abilities for their potential profitability.

Are you fluent in English? Great, you can earn extra money by tutoring. Do you know how to fix computers? Why not do it for money.

It’s also not a sin to use external resources. These include useful acquaintances and connections.

Enlist the support of loved ones

As you know, friends are known in trouble. Now more than ever you need their support and participation.

“Sometimes the presence of another person, even silently, helps to cope with despair” (Marc Levy).

I absolutely agree with the author of the quote. Tell us about your problem and you will feel better. Most likely, your loved ones will offer to provide you with all possible help. Don't refuse, but don't take too much either. Don't forget to thank them warmly and, if possible, do something good for them in return.

How do I know if I'm doing the right thing?

For some, the main measure of the correctness of intention is spiritual comfort.

But not the one because of which a person does not stick out of his little world , deciding that he does not care about the problems of others.

And the one who forces you to do something even to the detriment of yourself. Because a person cannot do otherwise - otherwise he will cease to respect himself.

Other landmarks that help determine the correctness of the chosen path:

This is what your idols did. But here it is important that the standard acts from pure motives, does not play to the public - a common occurrence among representatives of show business, and does not seek to harm other people.
Therefore, even if you strive to imitate your ideal in everything, do not stop using ordinary logic.
Assess the circle of people who will benefit or lose from your action in the near and distant future. For example, fear of leaving your parents and postponing a trip to study at a prestigious institution is not only deprivation of the prospect of doing something you are interested in in the future. Staying where you are, over time, you may begin to blame your parents for the predominance of gray colors in your life. And when they may need significant financial support, you will have nowhere to get it from - since at one time you abandoned the prospects that open up with a good education.
Advice from elders from the circle of relatives or close friends.
Look for information about the consequences of the action you want to do. It is possible that other people's stories will help you see the situation from different angles and take into account aspects that were not previously taken into account.

Take up meditation

In any unclear situation, meditate. This is truly a universal recommendation for all occasions. Meditation harmonizes the body and mind, trains attention and imaginative thinking, helps to take control of your emotions and put chaotic thoughts in order.

I offer you a ready-made meditation session on video - you can start with it.

If you are a religious person, you can combine meditation with prayer. Pray when you don’t know the answer to a question that worries you, when the situation seems hopeless.

Leonardo da Vinci's method

It is impossible to say whether the method is truly associated with the painter and inventor. But this is precisely the method described by Michael Gelb in the book “Learn to Think and Draw Like Leonardo da Vinci.” The technique helps you brainstorm alone. To do this you need to follow this algorithm:

State the problem.
Ask 100 questions that you have about it. Here it is important not to stop and formulate in the form of questions all the thoughts that come to you - at least 100.
Group them into categories of about 10 each. The numbers can be anything, but the main thing is not to get too small.
For all groups, you need to come up with a question that succinctly reflects all their contents. As a result, you will receive 10 questions, the answers to which will fully reflect the situation.
Answer them and analyze the acquired information. As usual, no one but you will make the final decision.

Don't let yourself go

Unfortunately, many people cannot withstand the onslaught of problems, give up and plunge into the abyss of despair. Against this background, motivation and the desire to take care of oneself disappear; a person may stop washing, cooking, or keeping order in the house.

If your condition is close to critical, and you are periodically visited by thoughts of death, read our article “What to do if you don’t want to live.”

Under no circumstances allow yourself such indulgences, even for a short time! On the contrary, now you need to show maximum care for the most important and dear person - yourself.

Think about what you would like that would help you take your mind off your painful thoughts at least a little. Sometimes even a bar of chocolate is enough to lift your spirits.

Throw away your pity

Self-pity is a destructive feeling that takes a lot of energy. In addition, it is fraught with a certain danger - a person can get used to being pitiful and even begin to receive certain benefits from it.

For example, many people live for years as unemployed on meager benefits from the state, without even trying to look for work. But it’s disrespect for yourself to admit that you’re good for nothing and are ready to be content with crumbs from someone else’s table.

No matter how difficult the situation may be, you must preserve the image of a strong person, first of all, for yourself.

Rule 10/10/10

The method helps to assess the consequences of a decision in perspective. To do this, you need to ask three questions:

How will I feel or what will happen in 10 minutes.
And in 10 months?
And in 10 years?

For example, the head of a department cannot decide to have a difficult conversation about dismissal with a subordinate who has stopped working effectively. The boss suffers and suffers, postponing the conversation. But he can use the 10/10/10 rule:

10 minutes after the conversation, he will feel both relieved and proud that he decided to talk, but at the same time some anxiety, because the employee will now have to look for a job.
In 10 months, the manager will not even remember about this, because there are still effective employees in the department, and the work is in full swing.
In 10 years, he will already have such experience of difficult conversations that he will remember that conversation only with gratitude - every such incident forces him to learn something.

Take an example from the strong

If you don't know what to do in a particular situation, try to find a guideline. Surely there are people in your circle who command your respect and admiration. Ask what they would do if they were in your place. If there are none, remember famous personalities or movie characters whose fortitude excites the imagination. Maybe as a child you dreamed of becoming someone - Superman, Spider-Man, RoboCop? Try to imagine what they would do in a similar situation, how they would behave.

I advise you to watch motivational films whose main characters have faced serious life difficulties:

"The Shawshank Redemption";
"Men";
"The Pursuit of Happyness";
“Three colors: white”;
“Deaf span.”

Take a trip back in time

I borrowed this exercise from the arsenal of NLP practices. The first thing you need to do is go back in time. Remember some difficult situation that happened to you several years ago. Let it not be inferior to the current one in terms of the intensity of emotions and the degree of despair. Try to relive all the feelings that you experienced then.

Now return to the present. How do you feel about that problem now? There is not a trace left of the former bright negative emotions, is there?

Now it's time to move into the future. Imagine yourself a year from now. Turn on your imagination to the maximum - the image should be alive and realistic. From this image, look back at your current problem, which by then will have already been resolved. Surely now it doesn’t seem so global to you. Gradually return to the “here and now” state, trying to maintain that “cold”, slightly distant look.

Balance Sheet

Plato suggested listing the pros and cons, and then comparing which is greater, in his Protagoras.

Plato

Ancient Greek philosopher

You, as a person who knows how to weigh well, add up everything pleasant and add up everything that is painful, both immediate and distant, and, putting it on the scales, tell me, what is more? If you compare different pleasures with each other, always choose for yourself the more significant and abundant, and when comparing different pains, choose the insignificant and small. When you compare pleasure with pain, if the pleasant outweighs the painful, whether the immediate outweighs the distant or vice versa, you need to do what contains the pleasant; if, on the contrary, the painful outweighs the pleasant, it should not be performed.

To use the method, you need to divide the sheet into two columns. In one write down the benefits, advantages, advantages of the solution that you can extract from it now and in the future, in the other - the minuses, shortcomings, losses. All you have to do is see what is more and choose.

Take action

Let the mental part end here; it’s time to get down to business. If you don’t know what to do, you need to start doing at least something - do a general cleaning of the house, dig up the garden, prepare food. Only with the help of active actions can you distract yourself from painful thoughts and experiences that consume energy.

“If you feel discouraged, seek healing in work” (Abraham Lincoln).

If you have no desire to do something, you need to force yourself to work through willpower. Usually the hardest thing is to start, but then you get hooked and don’t want to stop.