Hello, writes Lyudmila Redkina. Have you ever had a situation when a person is crying next to you, and you stand and remain silent, like a sheep, not knowing what to say? I once tried to support a person when he was feeling very bad, but my own words seemed so empty and meaningless to me compared to his grief... Even psychologists don’t always say something when a person cries. Unfortunately, our friends have to deal with the loss of loved ones, jobs, large sums of money, failing exams and a host of other cases when nerves fail. And we, as caring people, have to say words of support. What to say and how to support a person in difficult times, we’ll talk about this in the article.
Is it possible to have sincere sympathy for someone who is not very close to you?
Hardly.
When a friend or acquaintance talks about his troubles, we imagine only ourselves in this situation, not him. How do we know what is happening in someone else's soul? No matter what words he expresses his feelings, we will never fully understand them. This means that when we utter sympathetic words, we really only sympathize with ourselves in the unpleasant situation of a friend. And when we give advice, we advise ourselves, because again we imagine ourselves in another person’s difficult situation. For many people, purely external condolences are quite enough as a sign of confirmation of a good relationship.
I observed how people react differently to the need to sympathize.
It's the same for adults
In adulthood, the situations are exactly the same, only, of course, the depth of experience may be different. The scale of the disaster is changing. The degree of responsibility (and, accordingly, the size of the headache). But, in essence, we still need exactly the same things.
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Sometimes you need sympathy - when it’s so bad that you just sit silently and cry. Any words like “I told you so” only make things worse. Even without this, a person understands that everything is terrible, he feels guilt, shame and it is very difficult for him.
Or sometimes you need advice - even if the truth looks very unpleasant. Even if the advice will offend or anger you.
Such different sympathy for a slight illness
I have a friend with whom we are not very close, we just sometimes call each other on the phone to talk about nothing. Once in one of the conversations she described her illnesses at length and in detail. Then she asked about my health. At the moment my knee was hurting, and I honestly told her about it. Then I realized what a mistake I had made.
The next day she called me and advised me to make a compress on my knee using flax seeds, which should be boiled well. I thanked you for the advice. But I was in no hurry to use it, because the pain in my knee had already passed. Soon she called again and said that she forgot to warn me: the hot flax seed is not needed right away
place it on your knee to avoid getting burned. I replied that I could well figure out not to apply the boiling solution to the sore spot.
A couple of days later she called again. Now she asked if I was doing a compress. Her calls were already starting to bother me. I told her that I don’t do it yet, because my knee doesn’t hurt anymore. Here I had to listen to a lecture about how joint diseases should not be neglected, and if the knee does not hurt, this does not mean that it is healthy. I finally got tired of it, and I frankly asked her to leave my knee alone. She was not offended, she only reproached me for my frivolity (she and I are almost the same age). I pointedly turned the conversation to another topic.
However, it was too early to relax. A day later, she called and advised me to read Dr. Bubnovsky’s books, in which he gives advice on treating joints, including knees. And a day later she asked if I liked Bubnovsky. Since she called strictly at a certain time when she was free, I stopped answering the phone during these hours (I was so glad that she did not have my cell phone number). If she does get through to me, then to her question about my health I will now answer that everything is fine, even if at that moment I am bedridden.
Another friend of mine does exactly the opposite. She calls and asks about my health. It can be difficult to hide a cough or runny nose. You have to “confess” to having a cold. But I don’t have time to finish, because literally mid-sentence she “turns the rails” to herself and utters the sacramental phrase: “Me too.” Next comes a detailed story about the state of her health. Sometimes I want to ask her to immediately start talking about her health, without pretending to be interested in mine.
The third friend, in response to my answer that, for example, she has a headache, always answers the same thing: “Nonsense, don’t pay attention, take analgin or aspirin, and everything will go away.” I immediately begin to feel the insignificance of my headache. In the future, I always tell her that everything is fine.
“Any advice for you? Or should I just listen to you?”
It is with this question that the dialogue should begin in case of any problems. Then there is a chance that communication will be environmentally friendly and respectful. The main rule should be this: if they don’t ask, don’t interfere. If you can't help, just pass by in silence. Each of us has the right to refuse sympathy if there is no chance to express it sincerely. But you need to say this honestly, so as not to put yourself or your interlocutor in an idiotic position.
Advise or sympathize: how to carefully help a person in trouble was last modified: November 30, 2021 by Masha Dubrovskaya
How to sympathize in real grief?
We once worked together with a translator, who later left our department. She and I have always had a wonderful relationship. After she left, we sometimes called each other, but then the communication naturally stopped. From time to time I heard something about her from mutual friends. Not long ago I was told terrible news: the translator’s son died. I was shocked, but I was never able to call to express my sympathy. Maybe I'm overcomplicating this issue. Nothing special: pick up the phone and call with words of condolences. I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time, but I couldn’t come up with words adequate for this occasion.
Recently she called me out of the blue with one request. I immediately remembered that I had never expressed my condolences over the death of her son. We discussed a question that interested her, and this thought bothered me all the time. We ended the conversation, but I never brought up the topic.
Maybe I did the right thing? Not every misfortune requires a sympathetic response. Of course, the translator’s grief was so terrible that any words, even the most sincere, could irritate and seem inappropriate.
And in other, less terrible, cases, it may be better to remain silent or get by literally
in a few suitable words, without imposing yourself. It seems to me that you don’t always need to try to respond to another person’s troubles by vigorously demonstrating your responsiveness.
Tags: rules of behavior, personal psychology, psychology of communication, empathy, feelings, etiquette
Thesis two: Behind a request for help, completely different human needs can be hidden.
People often need compassion, sometimes asking for it almost openly. However, behind such a request there may be very different needs, which I would like to briefly talk about, dividing them into several categories.
1. Real need for emotional support.
It is experienced by people who are in trouble and feel that they themselves can no longer cope with their grief. It probably doesn’t make sense to describe in detail different options for difficult life situations here. In addition, people's psychological resistance to stress varies. Someone is able to courageously experience the death of loved ones, loss of health, divorce, betrayal of friends. And for some, a protracted quarrel with parents or a bad grade in a grade book may become an unbearable test. Therefore, without being specific, let’s simply accept it as a fact that this category includes everyone who is feeling very bad right now.
2. Unmet need for communication.
Sometimes a person simply does not have enough attention. There is no one to talk to him, no one to listen to him, no one with whom he can share his feelings and thoughts. Why this happened is a separate conversation, but this is how a person’s life turned out. At some point, he learns a simple truth: people are much more generous in their conversation with those whom they want to feel sorry for. And now any everyday problem turns for him almost into a disaster, malaise into the beginning of a terrible illness, fleeting grief into depression. And every time the next “trouble” becomes a convincing reason to call your family or friends in order to inform them in a dying voice about how terrible everything around and inside is. Well, then you can allow your anxious interlocutors to calm yourself down, listen to their sympathetic, encouraging words, and feel that you are still needed, important and interesting.
3. Overt manipulation that allows you to get what you want from people, against their will.
Actually, the previous category can also be classified as manipulation, with the only difference being that a person seeking communication and warmth most often manipulates his neighbors unconsciously. However, the same principle can be used if you clearly understand what exactly you are doing now and for what purpose. For example, start a conversation by describing your own troubles and suffering, making your interlocutor feel guilty for being so happy and prosperous in comparison with you. And after this, carefully negotiate for yourself all kinds of preferences and bonuses in the relationship. After all, an imposed feeling of guilt, like a thief’s master key, is one of the main tools that forces a person to do for you something that he had no intention of doing of his own free will.
With the first point, everything is obvious: a person needs help, which means it should be provided competently. But with points 2 and 3 the situation is somewhat more complicated. Although, it would seem, it couldn’t be simpler: manipulation is an unworthy thing, and if you discover it in a relationship, you should immediately stop communicating with such people. However, what if the manipulators suddenly turned out to be not some station swindlers who trade in fortune telling, but the people closest to you - your mother, grandmother, grown children, or simply someone whose communication you value?
Summary
Empathy or the ability to empathize is one of the key components of quality communication. This ability is laid down in genes and develops in childhood, but even now you can train it. Here are 6 science-backed ways:
- Practice mindfulness - it literally changes your brain.
- Connect with people from other social groups.
- Practice active listening skills.
- Read fiction.
- Communicate under stress.
- Make new friends and play video games with them.
These simple but effective methods will help you learn to better understand other people. How important do you think empathy is for modern people? Write your opinion in the comments!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- "A Whole New Mind": a book about six necessary abilities
- 6 Skills to Develop Emotional Intelligence
- Empathy in simple words: what is it and why is it needed?
- BRAIN digest
- Circle of Empathy
- Why we like getting likes
- Emotional Intelligence in Leadership
- Six Key Principles of Effective Communication
- Reflections on Friendship
- How to understand how a person feels
Key words:1Communication
Why do we need empathy?
“Truth, charity and compassion will save the world.”
From a Buddhist parable
The ability to empathize enriches our relationships with others. With empathy, we understand the experiences of our interlocutor and are able to establish a deep connection by looking into their world. Our attitude towards people also determines the quality of our communication. Therefore, you should not refuse them attention.
Empathy can be considered a necessary professional quality for many professionals. Empathy helps a psychologist understand the motives that guide a person who turns to him for help. A doctor, showing empathy, is able to give the patient something more than traditional medical care - instilling faith in recovery. The teacher helps the student cope with a difficult task and overcome anxiety before the exam, and parents help reassure the child in case of failure.
Another example: imagine that you are a mobile application developer. Your task is to create an application that works like a “panic button” for emergency assistance to teenagers who have become victims of domestic violence. Without a deep understanding of the feelings that a person experiences at such a critical moment, and mental elaboration of the possible environment and actions, you simply cannot do this job.
Empathy helps us in everyday social life: negotiate, undergo interviews, build relationships in a team, be a friend, create harmonious relationships with a partner. By practicing empathy, we also learn to better understand our emotions.
Thesis eight: A grieving person needs help to go through all stages of grief.
Meanwhile, a grieving person has a completely different need. He definitely needs to give vent to the emotions that are now literally tearing him apart. If they are simply suppressed (and this is what the “pity” options described above suggest), they can subsequently cause a lot of trouble, becoming the cause of neuroses and psychosomatic diseases.
Therefore, a grieving person must first of all be helped to go through all the stages of grief, feel the pain of loss, cry, get angry, simply whine and complain, cry on the shoulders of those who are ready to listen to all this without breaking down and without interrupting this vital process.
Once upon a time in the villages there was such a special profession - mourners. These were women who were invited to funerals to create a mournful atmosphere. The mourners acted as a kind of “detonator” of emotions, which in grieving relatives could be suppressed by the shock of the misfortune that had befallen them. Next to the inconsolably sobbing mourners, it was easier for the grieving person to finally give free rein to tears and sobs, freeing himself from the formidable consequences of unprocessed stress at the bodily level. Today there is no such profession, and many people consider crying, even in sorrowful circumstances, unacceptable.
Meanwhile, this is an absolutely natural movement of human nature, and the best proof of this is the tears of Jesus Christ, meeting the crying relatives and friends of the deceased Lazarus. Moreover, Christians have a direct commandment about precisely this kind of help for those who grieve: ... weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).
If you don’t have the mental strength for this, you can remember how righteous Job’s friends, who came to support him in his grief, had compassion: ...And they sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights; and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great (Job 2:13). Next, Job suddenly begins to get angry and curse the night of his conception, the day of his birth and his entire life. He speaks long and passionately, but his friends again do not interfere with him either by word or gesture. Only when Job has finished his angry cry do they very delicately enter into a dialogue with him: ... if we try to say a word to you, won’t it be hard for you? (Job 4:2). The Book of Job is very ancient; the events described in it are more than three thousand years old. However, the behavior of the friends of the suffering Job can still be considered today as an important practical recommendation for those who are compassionate. They were simply nearby, with their silent support helping the sufferer go through the first two, very difficult stages of grief - the shock of what happened and the ensuing anger.
