Relax.
You don't have to sign up for every dating app and plan a new date every night! You can start small and start dating with ease—or get back into it if you've had a break.
It's important to remember that you are in control of how you date. You can choose if you want to message someone within a week before you meet on the first date, or if you want to immediately embrace all your dating fears the same day you meet someone on Tinder.
We all have fears for different reasons, so we all need to deal with them differently. Do what works for you and remember that success is only up to you.
If you like something, keep doing it. If you don't like the situation, you can leave. Just make sure you're safe and see what makes you feel good!
How to get rid of excess stress
Dating a girl is fun, desirable and exciting. It is not difficult to understand why a normal man would feel nervous in front of him. Any anxiety tends to manifest itself physically: redness or paleness of the face, increased sweating, hand tremors, nervous tics, etc. These symptoms arise due to the fact that during excitement, a lot of adrenaline is released in the body, which leads the nervous system to an excited state. There is nothing wrong with this, since this is common to all people. Such symptoms are scary only when they appear in a calm state, and even then not always.
Some men try to overcome their feelings with alcohol or drugs, which quickly becomes addictive and is not inherent in the formation of a man’s character. Conventionally: “What kind of man are you if, without drinking a couple of glasses of vodka, you cannot communicate normally with a beautiful girl?”
There is no need to be ashamed of your physiological reactions. If a girl asks you something, you can honestly tell her that you're worried, and it will be much more courageous than showing up on a date drunk. Another good option is to tell the girl that she excites you so much that you are burning or trembling.
A universal remedy for how not to worry on a date
If you are so worried about the manifestation of your physiological reactions, know that you can easily get rid of them. Just 2-3 hours before your date, go to intense sports training. You can do 50-100 push-ups just before your date. Physical activity will use up adrenaline, which will reduce your level of anxiety by an order of magnitude. In addition, after exercise, the body produces substances such as endorphins and testosterone. The former are responsible for a good mood, the latter for sexual desire and the desire to win. So after training, you will come to your date in the right state of mind. The main thing is not to overdo it, otherwise you will feel tired and be sure to take a shower.
It also happens that signs of anxiety may appear not because of worries about the date, but for objective reasons. For example, it’s hot outside and your face is red, or you hit a punching bag an hour before a date and now your hands are shaking. In this case, if a girl asks something, you can tell her the truth and jokingly tell her not to pay attention to such nonsense. Or, again jokingly, tell her that she is too observant and curious. You can generally laugh and say that you are a sexual maniac and you are sweating in anticipation of how you are now going to rape her in front of all the people. In general, humor on a date is an extremely useful thing, which helps defuse almost any situation.
Remember! If you don’t focus on the physiological manifestations of anxiety, the girl most likely won’t notice them herself. And if you notice, pretend that there is nothing wrong with it and everything is normal. By doing this, you will show her how to treat this. If you yourself treat this normally, then she will too. It's important to start with yourself.
Remember the good times.
You may feel tense and nervous because of your previous dating experiences. This is completely normal, but it can really affect how you feel about dating someone new.
Instead of worrying about the things that didn't go well, remind yourself of all the times you had a great experience. Maybe you've had some really nice conversations with people, or maybe you've been on a few dates that made you feel really confident and sexy.
These are the things to focus on when you start dating again and will really help you stop dreading dating. Our brains form their own patterns and over time our thoughts become almost automatic! If we think X, we feel Y. If we go on a date and don't enjoy it, we feel sad.
It becomes second nature and our mind starts sending these signals even if we don't actually feel anything at the moment. So, if we think about dating, our mind automatically tells us, “Wait, dating makes you sad, so you need to be sad now” - it connects to behavioral and emotional patterns, so we can feel sad about dating now!
Makes sense, right?
By starting to associate dates with happier memories and good feelings, our minds will begin to understand that there is nothing to be afraid of. The new message will be: “Wait, dating makes you feel good, so you should be interested in going on that date!”
Focus on the positive...
How not to worry on a date: specific recommendations
A person becomes nervous when he turns inward and concentrates on his experiences. In order not to worry on a date, you need to concentrate not on the situation, but on the girl - think about how to seduce her. You need to act on your own so that your emotions do not act against you. It's the same principle as in boxing: if you don't hit your opponent, he hits you. But a date with a girl is not a fight. Since you asked her out on a date, it means you like her. Admit to yourself that you want her sexually (if you don’t realize it) and start seducing her. She also came on a date not to talk and expects specific actions from you. So just start acting and the excitement will go away on its own, you won’t even notice it.
Second: you shouldn’t fight anxiety - you won’t win. The more you resist experiences and try to restrain your internal reactions, the more stressed you become, and they manifest themselves more. There is only one way to overcome anxiety - by ignoring it. Let the excitement be there, ignore it and do what you need to do. If a guy is a little worried, while maintaining masculine behavior (caring for a woman, talking to her, touching her), it will be easier for him to seduce a girl, since she will not suspect him of being a pick-up artist or a womanizer.
Believe me, when everything is perfect, it’s also bad, so allow yourself to be yourself. It is in your interests that the girl perceives you as you are. This is especially important if you are interested in a further long-term relationship with her. Otherwise, they simply won’t exist—you won’t be able to pretend for long. Being myself doesn’t mean that I’m fat and bald and don’t work anywhere, but she should love me. This means constantly developing, but not playing; change what you can change and accept what you cannot change.
Practical advice on how not to worry on a date
- Invite a girl to places where you feel comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable in an expensive cafe, you don't need to go there. You can just take a walk.
- Do a few approaches before your date. Meeting 2-3 new girls (even unsuccessful ones) before a date will get you into the right rhythm and charge you with positivity. You'll use up the extra adrenaline and won't worry about it on your date.
- Make several dates a day. On the second date you will be less worried than on the first. Therefore, you can invite a girl on a second date whose meeting excites you more. By regularly communicating with girls, you will quickly get used to it and practically stop feeling nervous when communicating with them.
Some guys advise listening to loud music before a date or using some psychological techniques, such as screaming. Indeed, it helps to lift your mood, but I do not recommend doing it. The fact is that such methods give a short-term effect and cause a certain dependence - without them it becomes difficult for a person to put himself in a cheerful mood. It is much smarter to overcome your fears silently, through willpower. Learn to do what you need to do, regardless of anxiety. This approach seems to me the most effective method of dealing with internal experiences. Its effect lasts for life. It not only allows you to quickly get rid of anxiety, but also builds a man’s character.
It is important to understand that you will not be able to get rid of anxiety before a date once and for all. From time to time you will still experience it, but it will no longer manifest itself so brightly, and you will learn to control yourself. In general, without excitement, without a feeling of courage and drive, a date would be boring. It's so nice to be in anticipation of a date with a new girl. It's nice to get to know her, to seduce her. Feel the excitement of the upcoming meeting and take action. Only through real actions can you overcome anxiety and thus defeat it. You want to seduce new, beautiful women, feel their love and care? All you need to do is step over yourself. The only person who prevents you from building a happy personal life is yourself. And all you need to achieve such a life is to ignore your negative emotions and do what you need to do.
Value yourself.
Take time to remember how amazing you are. Dating can make us feel many different emotions, all of which can cause emotional overload.
We begin to question whether we're attractive, whether our Tinder profiles are funny enough, whether we're interesting on a date—the list goes on.
Take time to lift your spirits! You are amazing, attractive and delightful to be around, and anyone would be happy to spend time with you. The more confident you feel, the less dependent you will feel on a successful date and the less important you will be to him.
You don't have to rely on a good date to let you know how amazing you are—and as a result of being more confident and less anxious, the date will automatically be a lot more fun. It's a win-win.
What for?
- What if I feel good alone? — I would have asked myself 5 years ago.
“Because it will be even better,” I will boldly answer now.
Dating is a wonderful way to overcome fears that are worth overcoming. An experience that every girl should have behind her. Accustom yourself to them gradually. Force it if it seems like you don’t have the desire or strength. Allow yourself to be imperfect and don’t try to please everyone you meet.
Take it for granted that you may never see this man again, and it doesn’t matter what impression you made on him. Play different roles, look for yourself, not a man. And you will get much more than you bargained for. Thanks to my easy approach, I realized what kind of person I was ready to let into my life. With every new acquaintance, successful or not, I discovered myself. Changed outside and inside. And I really liked these changes.
The realization that the dating market, like the labor market, is limitless gives rise to self-confidence. And with confidence comes pleasure from the process.
Conclusion: Dating colors your life with different colors and fills your life with interesting stories, and you become more attractive and more confident.
Take a break if necessary.
Remember that you can take time out whenever you need to.
You may start dating someone and decide to take a break. You might be messaging a group of people on a dating app and then decide to stop for a while and spend some time alone.
You're under no obligation to act a certain way, so you can really go at your own pace and cool down for a few days or weeks if things get too intense.
Dating phobias are definitely real, and you don't have to rush to find a solution. Do what feels right, remember to rest if you need some space, and enjoy it.
Talk to yourself and say a few compliments
To calm down, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself: “I look great! It's just a first date. This happens every day. No need to be nervous, I'm dating an ordinary person. If he manages to please him, great! If not, no big deal. Everything is already great, because I’m still going on this date. The main thing is to relax and be yourself.”
Communicate with loved ones.
If you're still worried about dating and relationships, talk to the people who know you best. Talk to friends or family you trust and can be sincere with. Sometimes you just need a different perspective to understand how you feel.
You might need some love from someone who will hug you after bad dates, or you might need someone to admit to you that they have a lot of anxiety about dating too!
This is a very common phenomenon, especially in our society where there is so much pressure to search for dating apps and actively seek out a new relationship almost immediately after you get married. Share your experiences and voice your feelings - you will feel much better just having it all!
Be rational.
What's the worst that could happen? You might get hurt, you might get rejected... Okay! It's not that bad.
Do your best to stay rational as you approach dating again, and remember that while you may feel a little upset with someone, it's not the end of the world.
You will find someone who likes you as much as you like him; it's just the experience of going through a few dates that don't really go anywhere until you go for what's right for you!
If you can create a more positive and open-minded mindset, you will enjoy dating much more and will have a much better and less stressed life.
Think less
There is no need to prepare yourself in advance for the idea that everything will go wrong. In general, try not to make any predictions about the future. Who knows what will happen in the next hour? Dating does not exist to indulge in painful experiences once again. You need to learn to immediately put such thoughts aside, concentrating all your attention on the event itself, which is truly important to you.
Fortunately, most unpleasant thoughts remain thoughts without having time to become reality. A nervous state is quite forgivable when it comes to an exciting first date. If your attempt to calm down is unsuccessful, try a few meditation exercises right on the way to your meeting. You need to take a deep breath and then exhale slowly. Watch your breathing, it is now more important than unnecessary doubts.
Solve the underlying problem.
If you have dating phobia and are genuinely afraid of relationships, you are not alone in your feelings.
This is something that affects many people and can be caused by a huge number of reasons. To truly overcome your fear of dating, it's worth thinking about where it's coming from.
Have you been hurt in the past? Maybe you've been rejected by someone you really care about, or you feel like you've embarrassed yourself on a first date before and are worried about doing it again.
These are valid reasons, but they will continue to hold you back and you will be afraid to date unless you address them. You need to try to come to terms with what happened and focus on the fact that not everyone is the same—and not everyone will treat you the same.
Remember that one person hurt you, but many others were probably really interested in you. You may forget how many other people have wanted you over the years, but if you think about it, you will quickly realize that you are desirable and not everyone has rejected you!
She's not perfect
Guys often make the mistake of idolizing their girlfriend.
Under no circumstances should you do this, you can ruin the entire wait for the date, and the process itself. You must understand that this is the same person who has his own shortcomings. To reassure yourself, you can look for them in advance; this often helps men to relax in communication. Read my article on how to have the perfect date. Moreover, this is a serious mistake for the reason that you immediately put yourself below her. Do moral weakness, low self-esteem, and uncertainty characterize a real man? You must be absolutely confident in your abilities and be at your best. Modern society is structured in such a way that a man should be a leader in all respects
. Girls love strong males! And all this is in your favor. Since you take on the task of being strong, you are allowed to lead the relationship and turn it into what you need, and the girl will already adapt to you. What's most interesting is that she won't mind!
Another thing that helps deal with anxiety is good preparation. When you realize that you have everything ready for any outcome of the date, you will calm down.
Now that you have managed to cope with your anxiety before a date, take step-by-step preparation. It includes several points that must be followed.
Keep a positive attitude and show something good.
It can be easy to get a little bogged down and start to get frustrated when things don't work out the way you hoped. This is completely normal, especially if your dating phobia is preventing you from finding someone you love.
Instead of getting caught up in your worries and focusing on your dating fears, do something amazing! Think about how wonderful your next date will be and how happy you will be when you meet someone worthy and interesting.
There is so much power in our minds that while we can't necessarily change anything, we can significantly change how open we are to perception and how we interpret events and interactions.
If you tell yourself that you can't wait to meet someone, you will be excited and attentive. As a result, you'll be great company, be super interesting, and you'll make your date feel comfortable opening up, which means you'll be able to see the best side of them and you'll be more likely to like them.
Don't role-play in your mind
Remember, you should not indulge in unpleasant reflections and thoughts when preparing for an upcoming date. The basic esoteric law says that all your thoughts tend to materialize. This is especially true for pre-prepared answers for conversation. This is unlikely to help, it will only add more reasons for worry. Moreover, the conversation will most likely go in a completely different direction. Is it worth wasting time and nerves on made-up lines? Hope for the best.
Pay attention to the person who came on a date for you, because it is with him that you will spend a couple of hours of your time. If anxiety literally deprives you of words, then maybe admit it? Your interlocutor will definitely come to your aid. Try to follow the thread of the conversation and ask questions on the topic, this will be the best proof that you are interested in the conversation.
Stay focused and present.
It's so easy to get really intimidated by dating and suddenly feel overwhelmed. If your brain is overloaded, it may be because you are overthinking.
A date is one event, so you don't need to think too much about it. This does not mean that you make a commitment or promise anything to anyone!
Do your best to just enjoy what is, calm your worries and see what happens.
You will have a lot more time if you can just be present, focus on the person in front of you and accept them as they are in the moment.
There's no point in trying to guess what the future holds for you because you'll never know for sure and it will just take away the enjoyment of the present moment. Other times you might overthink and stress out - enjoy the date, see how you feel and keep working on yourself.
Listen to dynamic music
Start your preparations with the right soundtrack: let’s leave spleen and 50 shades of lyrics until your first quarrel, now we need something with bass and rhymes “I” and “superstar”.
The text and genre are not important, the main thing is that it is dynamic. According to a study published in 2014 in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, listening to music with bass helps a person feel more confident and powerful. So selections of motivating tracks are needed not only for running and fitness.
Seek professional help.
In conclusion, we would like to say that professional help is a good idea if you are truly trying to overcome any phobia.
Some people don't seek help for dating anxiety because they don't think it's a "real" problem. But if something is affecting you and your happiness, it's worth talking to someone.
There are free therapy resources online, phone and video counseling options, and many professional experts trained in relationship and dating phobias.
You are not alone in your feelings and help is available if you need it.
Set realistic expectations
Your first date may be the most romantic one in history, and you will tell your children and grandchildren about it. But it can also turn out to be a failure and become the worst of your life. It is worth remembering this, but not in order to become even more nervous, but in order to prepare yourself for any result. Knowing that your first date doesn't have to be perfect can be strangely reassuring.
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