How to forgive an offense and is it always necessary to do this?

How to forgive an insult? And is it possible to forgive an insult? Many will answer these questions positively. However, in real life, people often face a problem - emotions arising from resentment do not allow them to think soberly and find constructive options for behavior. Therefore, in this article we want to talk in detail about how to cope with this feeling.

Get to the bottom of things

First and most importantly, you should distinguish between the concepts “you were offended” or “you were offended.” If you were insulted or called some bad word, this certainly applies to the situation when you were offended. If someone told a joke about a husband who arrived from a business trip a day early, or congratulated those present on April 1 - April Fool's Day, and you took the joke or congratulation personally, this means that you were offended.

In the first case, there is no need to forgive anything, but you need to demand an explanation, an apology and a cessation of such behavior from the offender. If your offender does not understand in a good way or you have become a victim of bullying, when it is impossible to cope with the problem alone, you need to act decisively, even going to law enforcement agencies and the court. Such possibilities are provided for by the legislation of the Russian Federation. In particular, liability has been established for libel (128.1 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation), blackmail and extortion (163 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation), insult (5.61 of the Code of Administrative Offenses).

It should be remembered that most offenders are quite cowardly and offend other people only if they are confident in their own impunity. Often it is enough to simply promise to collect evidence of the insult and file a lawsuit in order to cool the ardor of this cowardly and ill-mannered individual. By the way, if after this the aggressor calls you a sneak, you can answer that the countdown has begun, and this particular phrase falls under the article for libel, because defending your rights and dignity is not sneaking.

If you are offended by a joke about your husband arriving from a business trip a day early, or a greeting on April Fool's Day, you should think about why. Perhaps something has been going wrong in your family for a long time, or you have low self-esteem, or you have often been told that you are not very smart, and there are thirteen out of a dozen people like you, which is why you Now you perceive April Fool's Day as your professional holiday. And, naturally, they are not happy when you are reminded of this.

In this case, forgive yourself for being offended and focus on solving your problems on the merits: building healthy family relationships, improving your self-esteem, or working on the foundations for improving your self-esteem. For example, if you feel that you are objectively behind the trends in your profession or the pace of your current life, perhaps you should read more, be more interested in the world around you, and try to learn something new. Then you simply have less time to be offended by something.

And, yes, the person who told you a joke or congratulated you on April 1 is not to blame for your problems and the fact that you were offended. Essentially, if a person is not guilty, then there is nothing to forgive him for. Therefore, you can show nobility and forgive even for what did not happen.

Resentment is a manifestation of selfishness and pride.

Forgiveness is also a manifestation of pride. “I am so spiritual, great and wise that I will forgive any of these people who do not know the light of truth.” Pride can take different forms, so check to see if you are disparagingly judging those who have not yet reached the heights of spirituality and forgiveness?

To summarize, I will say: forgiveness is always a choice. And it will have value only when you are NOT OBLIGED to forgive, but can freely choose a different option to relate to the person. It is for this reason, precisely for greater freedom of choice, that I considered all the proposed ideas.

And you will decide for yourself. After all, it's your life to live, isn't it?

Tags: interesting • people • resentment • relationships • forgiveness • psychology

Understand the reason

There are situations when not everything is so obvious. Nobody called you bad words, but the statement was not abstract, like, for example, a joke, but was quite specifically aimed at you. For example, you were told that you have recently gained some weight. Or they congratulated you on your promotion, at the same time clarifying what a great guy Ivan Ivanovich was for supporting you, otherwise without him you wouldn’t have gotten anywhere at all.

This, of course, offends, especially if there are grounds for such statements and you have actually recently begun to gain excess weight. But it hurts even more if there is no reason, and you deserved support because you worked day and night on a project that was important for the entire department, and not just for Ivan Ivanovich, while simultaneously studying for an MBA, improving your English and literally never getting out of business trips.

Here, too, it is very important to separate two points: whether your well-being depends on your offender or does not depend. If the spiteful critic is approximately on the same level of the social ladder with you and your well-being does not depend on him in any way, forgiving him is as easy as shelling pears. Think that nature has already deprived him of kindness and intelligence, instead providing him with a burden of envy, anger and pessimism. Forgive him, and stay away from him in the future, because even such a person somehow has the intelligence to figure out how to harm others, at least with the same inappropriate remarks about appearance or belittling other people’s merits.

A truly kind and smart person would never gloat that someone has gained excess weight. And of course, he will be happy for his colleague who has received a promotion, and will not look for reasons why he is not worthy of a better position and a higher salary. If you hope that the person is simply not aware of your merits and contribution to the common cause, you can agree that Ivan Ivanovich, of course, helped, but if someone knew how much time you spent on the project that became decisive in your career , then I would also decide that the promotion was a natural result. If the explanation did not help and your offender continues to spew bile, then it is better to distance yourself from him.

It is much more difficult if the person offending you has the power to influence your well-being. For example, if this is your boss or a representative of the top management of the company, a husband or wife, a friend with whom you have many common affairs. Now we won’t talk about the fact that you need to choose your friends or your other half carefully. If only because life goes on, people change, and after 5-7 years of living or working together, there may be a different person next to you than the one who was at the start of family life or a pilot business project. But this does not mean that nothing can be done about such changes in someone else’s behavior.

You can just talk to a loved one. It often turns out that he doesn’t even suspect that his stupid jokes and statements somehow offend you. Then such a conversation can put an end to both the cause of the offense and the offense itself. It’s more difficult with a boss, however, and here you can use dialogue tactics. You can always answer his unfounded attacks that you tried, and you are also sorry that everything turned out a little worse than expected. Usually this reduces the intensity of passions, because... there is no point in offending you further if you are already sad and sorry.

If outbursts of negative emotions and offensive accusations against you do not happen very often at work, perhaps there are some objective reasons for them, and you should not be offended, but rather work better. If the accusations are constant, random, unfair and unfounded, then it’s time to think deeply and seriously. Permanent resentment over unfair attacks threatens to develop into chronic stress and depression, which are harmful to health – mental and physical. So something definitely needs to be done about this. What exactly?

For example, remember the words of the wisest Socrates that “no one is your friend or enemy, but everyone is your teacher.” What can a situation of constant attacks and growing resentment against injustice teach you? For example, that you should get rid of template thinking and take responsibility for your success. First, it’s worth understanding why a person tends to be offended.

Why do people get offended:

The gap between reality and expectation. In response to his decent behavior, a person expects the same from others and is offended when his expectations are not met.
Your own parallel reality, which others are not even aware of. You do something for someone, and that someone thinks that it goes without saying.

There is no one's specific fault here. False thinking patterns are cultivated in us from childhood. Remember the saying “judge not, lest ye be judged.” You will! They will wash all your bones, even you have never said an evil word about anyone in your life. Or “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In fact, other people may have desires that are different from yours, and you don’t need to treat them the way you want them to treat you. And expect that in return they will do with you as you want, too.

It is equally important to understand the reasons why people, in principle, offend someone. This will make it easier for you to forgive or, alternatively, allow you to develop adequate counteraction tactics. In this case, they will simply stop offending you, which means you will have nothing to be offended by.

Who is more likely to act as an offender?

Badly educated people who do not understand the inappropriateness of certain jokes and remarks.
People who want to assert themselves at the expense of others.
Conflict personalities who need conflict for the sake of conflict.
Toxic people, for whom everything is always bad and everyone around them is bad, which should definitely be reported to everyone, including you.
People who are offended and underestimated or who consider themselves to be so.

The last option is the most difficult to recognize and, accordingly, the most difficult to forgive, because it is not clear what the matter is and what exactly should be forgiven. There are few options here: either stop such communication so as not to receive a new portion of insults, or listen carefully to what the person says about himself and others. Then there is a chance to understand his behavior, which is usually enough to stop being offended. For example, if a person talks about how long and hard it was to get to the top of his career, and at the same time makes caustic remarks about your promotion, he may believe that you have had it unfairly easy.

There are several options:

You can formally support him, saying that his achievements are cool, and you are just taking your first steps and intend to emulate him. Firstly, dialogue does not allow the offense to become mothballed. Secondly, you will deceive the brain, because a person cannot be offended by something with which he agreed at least formally or partially. Thirdly, light flattery can be useful in dealing with people, especially narrow-minded and envious people.

If this does not help, you can structure the dialogue differently. For example, nod your head sympathetically and say something like “Yes, it turned out to be so simple, and you flew through the program, spending so many years on such nonsense and receiving a diploma with honors in order to work for the same salary as former C students.”

Our “Best Communication Techniques” program, which you can complete in just 2 months, will help you think through a dialogue option specifically for your situation. Even if the dialogue ends in shouting and insults, your offender will stop saying nasty things about you in your presence, so as not to look like an idiot in the eyes of others. What he will say about you in your absence is no longer important. As one Odessa joke aptly noted, “tell him that when I’m not there, he can even beat me.” By the way, many psychological and meditative practices offer such distancing from the problem.

Resentment in psychology: methods of working with grievances

As part of psychotherapy, work with grievances can be carried out using the following strategies and methods:

In line with working with possible psychosomatic problems. That is, there is a manifestation of resentment at the level of a bodily symptom, and the psychotherapist’s task is to point out to the client the destructive effect of resentment on his bodily state.
Psychologists help to regain responsibility for one’s own life and get rid of the idea that the offender “owes” him something. And this means giving up the idea of retribution and directing your efforts to improving your psychological and physical health, and not to the destructive feelings of resentment.
Help in working with anger, and directly with forgiveness, is extremely important. Going through the process of forgiveness itself brings a person relief and the opportunity to further build his life without constantly experiencing past grievances.

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Abstract yourself from the situation

How to abstract yourself from a situation that causes resentment? There are several effective techniques available even to those who have never been interested in meditative practices.

How to abstract yourself from the situation:

Take revenge on the offender mentally. Close your eyes, turn on your imagination and imagine the picture of the punishment in detail. Scientists have long come to the conclusion that our brain is indifferent to the format of visualization and if we have presented something, the brain can count this event as accomplished and stop being offended.
Make a list of your grievances and complaints against the offender, and then burn it with the words “I forgive you.” Don’t ask “what to do with the list”? It is the list that needs to be burned, not the offender.
Turn off the sound, at least after the fact. The next time you replay an unpleasant and offensive situation in your brain, imagine that it is happening on the TV screen and turn off the sound. Enjoy the picture of how the aggressor helplessly waves his paws and silently opens his mouth, twisted with anger.

Now let’s summarize all the tips and recommendations on how to leave the past in the past, how to forgive an offense and whether this should always be done.

How to forgive an offense:

Develop a sense of humor and not be offended by jokes, humor, statements and anecdotes if they are not addressed to you personally.
Learn to understand people and understand the motives that make them offend others, including you. This will make it easier to develop combat tactics.
Eliminate toxic people from your social circle, with whom you have nothing in common and on whom you do not depend in any way. No person - no problem.
Formally agree with the person on whom you depend that he is right about something. This will trick your brain because you can't be offended by something you even partially agree with.
Instead of being offended by a loved one the next time, ask them directly about the reasons for the attacks or ask them to refrain from making inappropriate jokes or comments. Often this solves the problem completely.
Distance yourself and abstract yourself from the situation - take revenge mentally, burn the list of grievances, turn off the sound of the grievance.
Insults inflicted in the format of direct insults should not be forgiven, but rather demand an apology. In difficult cases, contact law enforcement agencies and the court.

To make it easier for you to cope with grievances, or better yet to stop being offended altogether, we recommend taking our “Mental Self-Regulation” program, which will help you learn to keep yourself under control in any situation.

We wish you exclusively positive communication and positive emotions from this life!

We also recommend reading:

Storytelling
10 life lessons from The Lion King
Hurtful words and insults: how to react and defend yourself
Questions to Find Meaning and Happiness
Overcoming the fear of confrontation
How to fix your mistake
Formation of correct self-esteem
Victim Syndrome
Top 7 ways to leave the past in the past
Forms of verbal violence
How to deal with unconstructive criticism

Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation

How to forgive?

Everything must be forgiven! All your experience, no matter how difficult it may be. And by the way, most of what we carry around in ourselves is not something transcendental and very heavy, it is quite everyday and everyday. The main thing is to want it.

How to forgive? There are hundreds of different techniques - use any that help you personally. For example, meditations, letters of grievances, a radical forgiveness questionnaire, constellations, psychotherapy, bodily practices, and so on.

Another thing is that we often don’t want to forgive, because it is beneficial for us for one reason or another and the “bonuses” outweigh everything else. This is called secondary benefit. They also need to be dealt with and worked with.

So is everything necessary and can we forgive? I encourage you to learn to forgive! This will greatly change the quality of your life!