How to forgive yourself for past mistakes: advice from a psychologist

October 1, 2019
Psychology of Personality
Marusya the Cat

“How to forgive yourself”? - this question is asked by especially conscientious people who have made difficult and not very serious mistakes in life. Self-flagellation does not allow you to sleep at night, does not allow you to enjoy life, and prevents you from further moving forward. There are always constant negative memories in a person’s thoughts that cannot be gotten rid of. We try to punish ourselves, humbly bear our guilt and refuse spiritual and physical pleasures. Experienced specialists will tell you how to get rid of this.

The essence of the concept

The saddest situation occurs when a person does not know how to forgive himself for mistakes, or more precisely, he does not know that he is in a state of non-forgiveness. This is a very serious psychological problem that is equivalent to an illness. And, like any illness, non-forgiveness has its own “symptoms,” which are as follows:

Negative attitude towards yourself (you always try to take all the blame on yourself, even if you have nothing to do with it).
No room for error (you do not allow yourself to make mistakes because you are a perfectionist who strives for the ideal).
Denial of the essence of forgiveness. You cannot understand what forgiveness means because you do not see the meaning in it. For you, this is simply indulgence when a person gets away with everything.
Condemnation. You always judge not only yourself, but also other people who commit unfavorable actions (in your opinion). This is an erroneous position, the basis of which is pride, which gives the right to feel like a world judge.

Harmful reproaches

Self-criticism is always violence within the individual. You beat yourself up and then try to survive with broken ribs, a darned heart, a blocked throat, and a burning face from being slapped. How about we give ourselves a little freedom and remove the collar of reproaches with which we like to pacify and suppress ourselves? Maybe we are being too hard on ourselves?

In response to the beatings, our tormented and bleeding self will only grin, revealing fragments of knocked out teeth and spit blood at our feet. Comparing ourselves with others, scolding ourselves at all costs, lowly and inadequately assessing our actions, ourselves, our appearance, we not only do not help ourselves, but even cripple ourselves. It is impossible to “become better” through brutality and violence. This is how we raise only a slave: bitter, weak, withdrawn, closed and not trusting anyone.

It is not surprising that we often do not find a place for ourselves in life, in new companies. We have no time to be interested in other people and new opportunities, because we are busy monitoring ourselves and counting the “minuses”; we only have time to kick and slap our inner selves: “Sit up straight! Don't mumble! Say something smart! What are you talking about?! I look like...” We are anxious, suspicious and apathetic.

Consequences of the presence of resentment

Forgiving yourself is of great importance, because without this action it is impossible to move on in life. If you don’t understand this, you can expect negative consequences that will become an obstacle to harmony both in your personal life and at the professional level. Not forgiveness means that a person is not fully aware of his mistake and considers it an absurd accident. And even if this is so, you need to analyze everything that happened to you, draw appropriate conclusions and try not to get into such situations again.

If you don’t know how to forgive yourself or simply don’t want to do it, you risk “canning” all your negativity, not allowing it to come out. This will be deposited in your mind as resentment, anger, jealousy, vindictiveness and other qualities that are recommended to get rid of. Moreover, non-forgiveness will certainly lead to complete self-destruction, when a person has nothing joyful left in life. There is even a proven theory that negative feelings lead to serious illnesses (including cancer).

How resentment manifests itself

How to survive a divorce from your husband - advice from a psychologist on how to get a grip on yourself

Self-resentment has its own specific signs of manifestation. For almost everyone it happens according to the same principle. In children and adults, the symptoms of the condition are the same:

A person develops anxiety that does not give him peace.
Insomnia occurs due to frequent thoughts about the past and feelings of guilt.
Apathy and bad mood. Due to the inability to solve a past problem, a person gradually becomes depressed.
Self-isolation and refusal to communicate with people.
Dizziness and headaches occur due to lack of sleep.
Confusion of thoughts in the head.

Birds fly off your hand

Self love

So how can you forgive yourself for mistakes? You need to start with self-love. This is not about narcissism and indulging all your whims. This refers to a sincere and kind attitude towards oneself as a friend, close relative or loved one. You need to forgive yourself absolutely everything, just draw the appropriate conclusions. You need to perceive life as a school that every person needs to go through. At the same time, it will be easy to compare yourself with a good student who sometimes makes mistakes, but knows how to quickly correct himself and always receives a reward for completing a task.

Elimination of negative factors

You can understand how to forgive yourself by listening to your heart. Try to analyze what exactly is pressing on your psyche. It could be another person who hurt you, negative events you were involved in and now regret your decision, or simply yourself for hurting someone. Once you identify the cause of your discomfort, you can take proactive action. Instead of guilt and resentment, you will make efforts to correct the situation. For example, ask for forgiveness from the person you offended, change your living conditions or social circle, or resort to meditation, which will be discussed below.

Motivate yourself

Find an inspirational phrase that will help you move on during difficult times. You can repeat it to yourself or make it your phone wallpaper, as long as it makes you feel better.

For believers, and perhaps not only them, the prayer of the German theologian Karl Ettinger is suitable: “Lord, give me the calmness to accept what I cannot change, give me the courage to change what I can change, and give me the wisdom to distinguish one thing.” from another."

Positive attitude

Focusing exclusively on the positive aspects is the best solution to the question of how to forgive yourself for past mistakes. Try to completely get rid of sad memories, do not leave a single drop of negativity in your soul. It may be difficult, but only at first. If you learn to control your thoughts and direct them in the right direction, past sad events can never become an obstacle in your path. If you have a bad relationship experience, think about the times when you had a good time with this person. There is no need to remember quarrels and scandals, much less the reasons that gave rise to your grievances. Protect your soul from negativity, feed it with bright thoughts and memories.

Forgiving ourselves: practical advice

Action.

Decide why forgiveness is important to you and what you need to let go of. Remember all the painful moments that cause feelings of guilt. Analyze the situation. What awakened your conscience? If these are unjustified expectations, feel free to forgive your own sins. If it was an act that caused pain or harm to another person, you can apologize or try to make amends.

The past should not interfere with the future. Let yourself go for a clean slate. Change your outlook on life. Mistakes are the engine of progress. Experience is more important than safe consistency. Action will not let you get hung up on the past; it is aimed at the future, and the path to it lies through the present.

Are your friends successful and wealthy, but you are not? Don't be self-deprecating. What is the reason for other people's success and your failures? Make an action plan, change, find a new job, get a good education. Live and move forward, and don't wait for someone to take the first step and ease your conscience.

Letting go of the past.

The world is imperfect. There are no perfect people. There are no exceptions to this rule. Why blame yourself for all your personal and other people's failures? The actions of many people, not just your personal efforts, lead to one mistake. There is no need to return to the failures of the past. If they bother you too often, analyze the painful situations. Conscious conclusions will help you avoid making repeated mistakes in the future and will correct your behavior. Forgiving yourself is the beginning of a new life. Think about whether something can be fixed at the moment. If not, move on.

Analyze the past. Sometimes feelings of guilt arise for no apparent reason. Find your starting point. For example, you have a few extra pounds, and you blame yourself for your weakness and inability to get rid of them. But why do you need to lose weight? Think about when this idea was born in your mind, who put it there. Most painful thoughts are suggested to a person from the outside. Some thin, beautiful classmate pointed her finger at a plump girl and laughed. She planted a seed that grew into a huge inferiority complex. It puts pressure on the psyche, forcing a person to strive for other people's ideals.

When an attempt to change oneself according to another person's standards ends in failure, a feeling of guilt awakens. And beauty doesn't come in weight. It is complexes that make a person ugly, not extra pounds. Each girl has her own structure. What suits a beauty with an asthenic physique will not look good on a beautiful lady from a painting by Rubens, and vice versa.

Forgive others and ask for forgiveness yourself

Forgiving yourself is more difficult than forgiving another person, but you should start with an easier step. Let go of negativity caused by other people, do not accumulate resentment. Learn to apologize when you're wrong. When you are forgiven, it is easier to let go of guilt and not reproach yourself for what you did.

You need to ask for forgiveness in simple words, backed up with actions. Don’t hide your apology behind ambiguous phrases, don’t evade or hide, then your conscience will have fewer reasons for “punishment.”

If you had a fight with a close friend, do not reproach yourself in vain. Look at the situation from the outside. What do you feel guilty about? Apologize. Try to correct the situation.

Be responsible

Admit your mistakes. But only them and no one else! Learn to be honest with yourself and admit to ulterior motives. It's stupid to make excuses to others, but making excuses for yourself is even stupider. Accept your role in events that make you feel guilty. Leave negativity in the past.

If guilt torments you for hidden desires and thoughts, admit them to yourself. Embrace them fully. Hidden motives come to light during the development of internal conflict under the guise of other aspirations. For example, a husband in a family constantly yells at his wife, specifically looking for reasons, but in reality he has an unbearable desire to hit his boss.

Accept yourself

Be aware of your beliefs and characteristics. Decide what is important to you, what your values and aspirations are. Separate your desires from the expectations of others. Whatever is legal and does not harm other people is right and should not be condemned. Don't try to fit into other people's standards. Some people like broccoli, some like pies, some like noisy companies, and some like quiet evenings in the company of a pleasant book. Be natural and listen to yourself and your desires. Don't let others impose their opinions and tastes on you. Your value is your uniqueness.

True Forgiveness

The main task is to understand the process of the most sincere forgiveness. This means that the person has identified the essence of his guilt (or the guilt of another, which you voluntarily took upon yourself) and honestly admitted to himself that this negative aspect still exists in his life. Forgiveness will become complete relaxation, restoration of the soul, and a transition to a new level of life. After this realization, you will understand that you are ready to bring dramatic changes to your life and the lives of your loved ones. Try to look at yourself from the outside through the eyes of a loving person. Do you deserve to bear the burden of your mistakes for the rest of your life? Isn't it time to cut this rope that's holding you in place? If you analyze everything, you will understand that the time has come to finally let go of all the grievances to yourself and everyone else.

How to forgive yourself: my experience

Forgiving offenses was an integral part of the work of self-acceptance and developing self-love. The first thing I did was make a list of all the situations that were bothering me at that time (from least serious to most serious). After that, I worked on each grievance according to this plan:

Identification of the problem. You need to be as specific as possible about what you did and when. Who else participated in this, what preceded it, what happened next, etc. I tried to name objective facts, separating it from my emotions.
Accepting what can no longer be fixed. This happened. I can't go back there, I don't have a magic wand. This means that it remains to draw some conclusions so as not to repeat this mistake.
Search for reasons. Here I smoothly moved from objective to subjective and vice versa. At the same stage, I made a list of feelings and emotions of that time and now.
Analysis “What should have been done?” That is, I played out the desired outcome of the situation, and then thought about what tools I would need for this.
Making a plan to replace old tools with new ones.
Practice, practice and more practice.

In some cases I used the method of direct dialogue. This is when you admit to another participant in the situation that you are still gnawed at, explain to him the reasons for your action, and then tell him about the conclusions you have made. And, of course, it is important to ask for forgiveness and back up your words with actions. It is also useful to express gratitude to the person for listening, accepting, understanding, and forgiving. The same goes for talking to yourself.

Technique with ash

There are many ways to understand how to forgive yourself and let go of all grievances. Surely each person will have his own recipe for solving this issue, which seems most effective. One of these options is a simple and constructive way to get rid of information that is weighing you down. Find a place in your home or somewhere outdoors that makes you feel most comfortable. Take a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Try to describe all your negative thoughts that haunt you. This could be a description of some life situation, a list of people who hurt you, or simply repentance for your mistakes. Putting information on paper will help you concentrate negative energy on the sheet. Then do whatever you want with these notes. Tear into small pieces or crush as hard as you can, and then simply burn and scatter in the wind or throw the ashes into running water (a river or a toilet).

Useful practices

If you don’t know how to forgive yourself for past mistakes, psychologists will tell you the right solution to this problem. They insist on carrying out useful practices that help get rid of feelings of guilt and improve relationships with others. And since the main part of the “suffering audience” are women, they are the ones who need these classes. Representatives of the fair sex are more sensitive and vulnerable; they can hold a grudge against themselves and their beloved man for many decades (for men this goes away much earlier). To get rid of self-flagellation, you need to master the basic rules of meditation:

It is not necessary to imagine the image of a specific man (ex-lover, father, brother), you can simply let go of your thoughts and allow them to move in any direction. Don’t be alarmed if an exact version of the negative events that happened appears in your head with all the details, right down to what your ex-lover was wearing that day. Also, don’t be afraid if some rather strange images appear in your mind. This can be not only people, but also animals, objects, cities, etc. Allow yourself to relax and draw all the strength and power of this cleansing.
Don't be afraid to cry during meditation, as these are tears of forgiveness. You help your mental pain, which is felt on a physical level, come out. This state often happens not only during personal practices, you can fall into it in a temple, in nature, in unique places, while listening to your favorite or sad music. Don't let the tears stop, let them flow as much as your soul requires. And if this happens during meditation, try to continue the sessions until you feel better. When you don’t feel like crying during your next session, you will understand that the pain is behind you.

What stages should a person go through?

If you are determined to get rid of intrusive memories and stop mental torment, follow a simple step-by-step algorithm:

Remember the details. At the very beginning, you need to go back in time and reconstruct events in detail.
Analyze behavior. Identify cause-and-effect relationships. For example, you were rude to your girlfriend, and this was the last straw, the relationship broke up.
Your task is to understand the underlying reason, your emotional state at that moment.
All this is done in order to identify errors in behavior and negative aspects of character.
Record errors . You can use your personal diary for this.
Make a plan for change and development. For example, you realized that you were rude because you are a quick-tempered person and have difficulty controlling your anger. This means we need to change in this direction, learn to be calm, learn constructive communication. The goal is to avoid a repetition of the situation. Often people do not analyze experience, reflecting purely emotionally, with experiences. And in the end they step on the same rake again and again.
To apologize. If you cannot forgive yourself in a situation where you hurt another person, try to get in touch with him.
The format depends on how much time has passed and how strong the resentment is. If a person is seriously offended by your behavior, do not insist on a personal meeting, just write a message on a social network or via SMS. The main thing is to make it clear that you sincerely repent. It is better to make one call or send an SMS than to leave everything as is.
Let go of the past. After an apology or in a situation where you cannot forgive yourself for mistakes or missed opportunities (you hurt yourself, not others), accept and let go of the past. After all, you have worked on your mistakes, drawn conclusions, and now you are unlikely to repeat the traumatic experience.
Take the path of development. Take corrective action. Read books on aggression control (this applies to the example with a guy and a girl) and apply techniques in interpersonal communication. It is important not only to remember the essence of errors, but also to correct them in reality, observing a tangible result.

Breath of Satori

The question of how to forgive yourself for past mistakes will be resolved on its own if you use a radical method of getting rid of negativity. To do this, you need to retire to a separate room, lie down on the bed (you can turn on your favorite music, preferably rhythmic). Then begin to breathe actively and energetically. This procedure should last at least half an hour. At the same time, you should imagine how the negative leaves your body and leaves room for new life-affirming good energy, which you will now emit. Do not try to increase your breathing as much as possible if you feel discomfort. Try to choose the optimal rhythm and depth of inhalations and exhalations for yourself.

Alternative method

An alternative method to the breathing method will help those who want to forgive themselves for the mistakes of the past. To get rid of negative energy, you need to turn on loud music or sound with physical actions. You can simply scream, sing, hit pillows, break objects (for example, dishes), tear paper. All this allows excess emotions to come out and get rid of discomfort. Some people prefer to simply go out into nature (so as not to scare others) and shout loudly. In order to become stronger and healthier, you can use all available methods. Just don’t get used to doing this all the time. You should allow yourself to do this only as a last resort (if we are talking about breaking dishes or other objects). If you do this constantly after each of your mistakes, you can cultivate in yourself a feeling of aggression and the need for destruction of this kind.

The final stage

Another important question: “How to ask for forgiveness from yourself?” This can also be done using the methods described above. If you have spent a lot of energy getting rid of negativity (breathing heavily, screaming or breaking dishes), it is recommended to completely relax. After active actions, turn on calm music, mentally ask for forgiveness from everyone you have hurt, forgive them yourself. Try to understand that all the evil and resentment that had been accumulating all the previous time has now left you. There is nothing left that can throw you off balance or continue to torment you. Your soul and thoughts are bright, a new path is beginning, which must be perceived with optimism.

Forgiveness Meditation by Louise Hay

This practice of experienced psychologist L. Hay is universal because it can be used for any occasion. Your offenders can be not only representatives of the stronger sex; it is quite possible to imagine familiar or abstract women in this image (sometimes there are cases that a girl, even in an unfamiliar person, constantly sees her rival). Practice once a month and you will soon feel relief. It won't matter if you were wronged or offended. All troubles will be a thing of the past, as it should be ideally. If you resort to this method, the thought that life does not forgive mistakes will leave you forever. The sequence is:

Find yourself a comfortable place where it smells of your favorite aromas, with quiet music or pleasant sounds of nature, take your favorite meditation position.
Completely relax your entire body (especially your face), let go of all thoughts and visualize the theater stage and yourself in a dark, crowded theater.
There is a person on stage who is your offender. He is very happy because he is experiencing a joyful event. Try to feel his positivity, recharge from his joy.
Now imagine yourself next to this person. You are also in a state of joy, you are both happy, but each in your own way. You are not partners, but you enjoy spending time together.

This ten-minute session will help you learn to experience positive emotions again. You will see a dramatic increase in positivity in your life.

Liberation from grievances against representatives of the stronger sex using the Sviyash technique

The practice of forgiving men by A. Sviyash will allow you not only to free yourself from the burden of negative memories of past relationships, but also to easily allow you to build new, positive ones. This session will relieve you of sad thoughts, give you the opportunity to treat the stronger sex more leniently, restore your self-confidence and allow you to enjoy life to the full again. This meditation will also help you let go of a dead man who hurt you (or you hurt him) and you did not have time to sort things out with him. The session takes place in the following sequence:

Imagine an image of your offender and ask for forgiveness, remembering him in the third person (this can be done out loud or silently). For example: “I forgive (name or status) with sincere gratitude and love, accept him as the Creator created him, and also ask forgiveness for my negative thoughts, feelings and actions towards him.” Repeat this until you feel a comfortable warmth in the heart area. In relation to the deceased, say that you are letting him go.
Eight times (this is an approximate number) say the phrase: “With gratitude and love (name or status) forgives me for negative thoughts, feelings and actions towards him.” These words will help erase all the negative thought forms sent to you by a man during your conflicts. Don't focus on counting the number of phrases you repeat, do it until you feel the warmth of relief. Imagine this person. A signal of complete self-forgiveness will be that he appears before you with a good-natured face and calmly leaves, waving his hand to you in a friendly way goodbye.
It's time to ask for forgiveness from your own life. Do it this way: “I forgive my own life and accept all its manifestations. I apologize for the negative thoughts, feelings and actions on my part. Life forgives me for thoughts, feelings and actions that were negative.”

Why is it difficult to forgive yourself

We know ourselves better than anyone. Subjectivity and awareness of all the reasons for an action prevent you from forgiving yourself. It could have been committed out of envy, revenge or hatred. And these, as you know, are bad qualities. But no one wants to be bad. A person does not want to believe that he is bad. His psyche resists this. Therefore, he comes up with other explanations for his actions or tries to pretend that nothing happened. But at the unconscious level it continues to influence.

This is what prevents you from forgiving and accepting yourself, and getting rid of guilt for the past:

excessive demands;
self-hatred and the “I’m bad” attitude;
tendency to self-destruction, self-punishment;
lack of understanding of the value of mistakes (they are lessons, without them you cannot develop, become better);
the role of the victim (unforgiveness has hidden benefits - attention, compassion from other people).

All these features, as a rule, are formed in childhood. At first, the parents demanded a lot from the child, scolded and punished him for every offense, and told him that he was bad. And then the child himself began to treat himself this way. Often, forgiving yourself goes hand in hand with forgiving parents and other people from the past.

Kosarskaya technique

Many people are interested in the question of how to forgive themselves for past mistakes. Psychologist Kosarskaya is ready to share her unique methodology. The specialist claims that past grievances lead to severe physical ailments that have a detrimental effect on our physical health and mental balance. To get rid of them, you should do the following:

Seclude yourself in a separate room, take your favorite pose, surround yourself with everything you like.
Try to focus on the memories of your destiny, taking into account all the grievances and sorrows, even from the most distant childhood.
Replay all your thoughts, feelings, sensations. Don't be afraid to experience the physical pain that may be present when remembering. Experience it again, let it affect all your cells and every segment of nerve.
Visually transport yourself to a huge cinema and imagine yourself in front of its big screen.
Transfer all your memories of grievances to the screen, make the image bright and voluminous, watch a film about your own destiny.
When you see people on the screen who have hurt you, talk to them (mentally or out loud). Recall the hurt they have caused you (or simply summarize it in the form: “You caused me a lot of pain and tears.” Say that despite this, you forgive them and let them go. Then ask for forgiveness for your actions, say that you didn’t they wanted to cause harm intentionally and that this would not happen again.
Move from one “character” on the screen to another, from one offender to another. Don’t forget those people who were offended or underestimated by you.

Forgive yourself. Stop cutting sawdust!

Today we would like to talk about how to forgive yourself. Where to find the very forces that will help you get out of a vicious circle, where to find the strength to accept your past. After all, if a person accepts everything that happened to him, he accepts himself, he accepts his Fate and his Experience, even if the meaning (negative, not positive) of it is not entirely to his liking.

By forgiving ourselves, we accept ourselves. We accept as we are. Year after year, no matter how “righteously” we live, a huge number of mistakes, large and small, still accumulate, which we, like a heavy bag, pull on our own back. You can't get far with such luggage. So wouldn't it be easier to sit down, untie your burden and look into the bag? Isn’t it easier to take out of it everything that has already happened a long time ago and what has happened cannot be changed? Isn’t it easier to look all your fears, resentments and guilt in the eye, telling them: “I see you. I know about you. I accept you. I thank you."

Experience. Our whole life is an experience. NLPists say: “There is nothing uniquely bad and nothing uniquely good, but everything is experience.” If you think about this phrase, we will agree with it, because it is so.

Living with your head turned back, trying to move forward in this position, a person does not go far. In his life, at a minimum, nothing simply happens. Absolutely nothing, as if he doesn’t live at all, but just exists, simply dragging out his days, in painful anticipation of that very last day, which, as it seems to him, will become a deliverance from everything and everyone.

Guilt blocks the flow of life. It's like dirt is eating away from the inside. Slowly but surely. And only a person can decide whether to continue to live with guilt or by working on mistakes to gain freedom and a chance for happiness.

Those who suffer, or even those who suffer, who adore to suffer forever, raising their hands to the sky, every now and then theatrically say: “How? How can I forgive myself? I can't! No, I can't do this! This is beyond my strength! I don’t even know what to do!”

When a person who eats himself is told, “You need to forgive yourself,” he immediately says, “Ohhhh, no, I can’t! This is not for me at all! you need to understand it something like this: “No, what are you saying, it’s so nice for me to feel poor, it’s so nice to feel sorry for myself, it’s so nice to be a victim of circumstances, and in general to be unhappy.”

Well, all those who do not want to forgive themselves, who do not want to work on themselves, remain, as Radislav Gapdapas says, “in the ass.” Sorry in advance for his French.

For those who are tired of sadly wandering through life with a backpack of unnecessary junk on their back, everything that will be discussed below is dedicated to them.