Cheating on your husband - forgive or leave, how to survive your husband's betrayal

Should you forgive your husband's betrayal? Nastya is 42 years old. She looks tired, and that's not surprising. This is what Nastya told me during the video consultation:

“I learned that my husband was cheating from his correspondence. HE was sleeping after his shift, and at that time a frivolous picture came to his phone from the addressee with a male last name. Somehow it didn't quite work out for me. I looked - and there was correspondence, quite clearly making it clear that my husband was having an affair.
By the morning, when my husband woke up, the child and I were already in another apartment. Now my husband is tearing up my phone, claiming that it was his mistake. He asks for forgiveness, wants us back.
And I don’t know if I want to forgive him. He betrayed me. It turns out he was lying all this time. He came home, hugged him, and lied. How can I trust that this won't happen again?
On the other hand, they say that mistakes are possible, and that sometimes after betrayal men become exemplary. Don't know…."

How to recognize a cheating spouse

No one is immune from betrayal: neither charming beauties, nor ideal housewives, nor skilled mistresses. Women feel very subtly changes in the behavior and attitude of the man they love. But changes in character do not always indicate the appearance of a mistress. If you notice the following signs, then you can really assume that your husband is cheating:

avoids intimacy without explaining the reasons for his behavior;
withdraws into himself, does not talk about his affairs and impressions;
withdraws into himself, does not talk about his affairs and impressions;
pays a lot of attention to his appearance;
stays late at work and returns not hungry.

These are universal signs. But every woman who has encountered her husband’s betrayal can certainly add her own personal observation here. It is impossible to be indifferent to your partner’s strange behavior. Therefore, some women become aggressive, angry and unbalanced. Others, on the contrary, try to behave decently and not show their emotions, that is, to keep everything to themselves. Both the first and second options cause enormous harm to mental health and destroy personality.

The Harm of Guessing

Constant guesswork and lack of certainty can become obsessive, which can lead to the development of delusions of jealousy. First of all, this manifests itself in strong aggression. Then doubts and suspicions turn into confidence. It is no longer possible to convince a woman even with objective arguments. The situation is getting worse every day.

Groundless suspicions of a spouse can provoke so-called betrayal in revenge. When a husband, driven to extremes, really begins to cheat. Although I didn’t even think about it at first.

Give yourself time

I ask you to understand that it is impossible to instantly forgive betrayal. You won’t be able to just decide to do it, do some internal work, do some practice, for example, write a letter to your husband, and everything will immediately go away. And you will move on with a light heart. It won't happen that way. Forgiveness is a long process.

Conditions for forgiveness:

Open discussion
Believe not in words, but in actions

So give yourself as much time as you need. Overcome the situation together with your husband and, most importantly, take your time. Then everything will gradually improve and you will find happiness again.

If there are those among you who have made one of these mistakes: cheap forgiveness and getting stuck in your anger. If you understand that you made one of these mistakes, please write about your experience, and how events developed further, what happened next. It will be very useful for all of us to know.

The main reasons why my husband turns to the left

Lack of emotional intimacy

It is extremely important for a man to feel the support of his wife. Read in her eyes that she empathizes with him, values him, shows sensitivity and care. Therefore, if the husband does not see a kindred spirit in her and does not feel like “the very best”, he will look for these emotions elsewhere.

Fresh and boring relationships

When there is no intrigue in a relationship, and the wife turns from a seductress into a respectable housewife and mother, becomes boring and predictable, the husband loses interest and is pulled “to the side.” Sooner or later, a man in his life is faced with the “Madonna-Whore” syndrome - no matter how “saint” his wife is, he is irresistibly attracted to “harlots.”

New emotions

Man is a creative person by nature and always strives for something new, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. Therefore, in most cases, the husband cheats not because his mistress is younger or more beautiful, but because he craves new strong emotions and discoveries: “Next to her, I am young again, I have finally begun to live...” and so on.

Violation of prohibitions

First of all, sex is an intensity of emotions. A man strives to break the rules (including cheating) for the sake of crazy sensations. Mystery, intrigue, danger - it excites and excites in a special way. After all, it is the forbidden fruit that is the sweetest.

Unfulfilled sexual desires

One of the main reasons for cheating is sexual dissatisfaction. It is she who “pushes” a man to the side most of all. Sex is not just a need, it is creativity, crazy energy and “opening up” of partners. This is a different reality, created for experiments, self-knowledge and self-realization. Everyone has sexual fantasies that they want to fulfill. Therefore, if the spouse does not satisfy some sexual desires, does not help her to open up and realize her potential, the husband will cheat.

Psychological terror

Self-doubt, various complexes and constant criticism from the wife can push the husband to cheat. This is a psychological defense: a way to assert oneself and prove to a partner that he is not nearly as bad as she is accustomed to think.

Confidence

The question of how to calm down after your husband’s betrayal is very relevant. First, try to regain trust in him. If you see that he sincerely repents of what happened, this is a very good sign. Don't be afraid to make mistakes twice. This fear can significantly slow down the process of your complete truce.

Every person has the right to make mistakes. Convince yourself that your husband had the right to try another option. There is no need to punish him severely for this. Try to cope with your ambitions and allow your spouse to atone for his guilt. Don't check it or control it. This will prevent trust from being born again.

Life after your husband's betrayal: three stages

Shock

A crisis state with the inability to regulate feelings. Stupor, disorientation and breakdown. A woman in a state of shock does not perceive reality and rejects it. The psychological trauma is so strong that it is impossible to cope with it using standard methods. Shock is a kind of psychological “fuse” that prevents the psyche from “burning out.” Extra time to process what is happening and prepare to accept it. The duration of the stage depends on personal characteristics and can last from several minutes to several months.

Reboot

A time of reassessment of values and the emergence of a new personality. At this stage, there is a chance to look at your life “from the outside”: to see and realize those things that have lost their relevance, have stopped “working” and only hinder a full life. It is extremely important to realize your mistakes and draw conclusions. Make informed decisions (should you forgive or let your husband go?), taking into account all the possible consequences. A new picture of the future is being built, mental strength is mobilized. Energy is directed in a constructive direction: appearance, environment, work may change, new interests and aspirations may appear.

Recovery

A woman learns to live in a new reality. The past remains the past, leaving only a slight taste of bitterness. New personal boundaries are being built, and orientation to the new reality is being completed. There comes stability and balance in both the internal and external world.

How to survive your husband's betrayal: advice from a psychologist

How to deal with emotions

Once a woman finds out that her husband has cheated on her and destroyed her trust, it is incredibly difficult to keep her feelings under control. This is completely natural, but you need to find a constructive method to get rid of negativity. The power of these emotions can be used to your advantage. Therefore, first you need to acknowledge them, write down your thoughts and feelings, and then seek advice from a psychologist.

The depth of pain from your husband’s betrayal directly depends on how much you value your man and value your marriage. But this is always an incredible blow to self-esteem and pride, so working with a specialist is mandatory.

You can get advice on our website at any time. Within 5 minutes you will be matched with a psychologist who will help you emerge victorious even from such a difficult situation.

Otherwise, by giving in to impulse and making hasty decisions, you can cause even greater harm to yourself. And the partner will perceive such behavior as an unnecessary justification for his action. Therefore, you cannot project your negativity onto your husband. In addition, anger, pain, and the desire for revenge interfere with forgiveness, healing, and moving on. These emotions deplete energy and strength, further depleting the nervous system.

How to forgive betrayal

Give yourself space and time to rehabilitate, take a short break. Prepare for a serious conversation, without scandals and reproaches. This is not easy to do, but our psychologists will help you at all stages. No matter how difficult the situation, the key to success is the same - communication. Therefore, try to get all the answers to your questions and accept them.

Forgiveness is first and foremost a process. Permanent work of both partners (if the decision was made to save the marriage). Therefore, couples therapy is what is really needed now. Under the guidance of our specialists, you will be able to get to the root of the offense, get acquainted with methods that will allow your couple to gain forgiveness, restore trust and affection. The husband will reveal his thoughts and desires, which is extremely important in this situation. And hearing how much he wants to be with you and is also trying to overcome everything, it will be much easier for you to forgive the offense.

Rules for a painless separation

Remember all the pain your partner caused you. After cheating, women tend to idealize their husband, remembering only the good moments. This cannot be done. On the contrary, focus on his shortcomings and remember all the insults he caused you.
Turn the page. The past needs to be let go. It’s not always possible to forgive, but it’s definitely worth letting go. Just come to terms with the idea that it won’t be “the same as before” in any case, and you won’t agree to anything less.
Find the positives in the breakup. And they always exist. Now you can devote more time to yourself, do or buy what you have long wanted. Remember how much you missed for your partner, what you denied yourself. It's time to catch up.
Stop all communication with your ex-lover. Maintaining any contact will not help you heal. You will constantly remember your husband’s betrayal, and you will get stuck in the “swamp” of despair and unfulfilled hopes.
Open yourself up to new things. Don't isolate yourself. It's time for change: experiment with your appearance, meet new people, fulfill all your desires, live life to the fullest.

Define concepts

pexels.com

What is treason? No, we will not now sprinkle with elementary definitions or cite concepts from Ozhegov’s dictionary. After all, you really don’t care what the authors of textbooks think about this or how this concept sounds in dictionaries. You're in pain, and that's the most important thing. Right now you need to start not with breaking dishes and tearing out your opponent’s hair. You need to start by defining for yourself: what it is for you.

According to statistics, the concept of betrayal between men and women is completely diametrical. Women for the most part consider spiritual feelings to be cheating. If some nymph simply inspired your man to the feat of giving a dandelion, is that cheating? Men usually don't pay attention to such little things. Is sex with another person the worst kind of betrayal? What if you have no feelings? What if you're drunk? What if your spouse doesn’t have sex on his side, but love?

Decide what exactly you consider cheating. Now transfer everything to your situation. Does what happened fit your situation? To suit your picture of the world.

If it turns out that the husband had sex while drunk, and he really doesn’t love this madam. Maybe there is a reason to save the family?

What if it turns out that your wife fell in love with a Tinder macho man via correspondence, and she has never even seen him. Maybe it makes sense to go to a psychologist and... save the family?

How to behave after your husband cheats

Arrange a personal conversation without witnesses.
Demonstrate facts of treason.
Calmly listen to the explanations.
Express your attitude to this (without hysterics).
Inform about your decision (divorce, maintaining a relationship, temporary break).
Assess his reaction and find out his opinion on this matter.

The main thing is not to show your weakness by causing scandals. Therefore, it is so necessary to take time to calm down and gain strength before the decisive conversation. Tears will either irritate or please the male ego. Neither the first nor the second should be allowed. The more complex the situation, the more dignity a woman should carry herself. This will shake a man's self-confidence and force him to reevaluate his attitude.

Important: the reasons for male polygamy are improper upbringing or complexes, not instinct.

What to do if your husband cheats but doesn’t leave

Why do men cheat, but are in no hurry to leave the family? Firstly, a wife is a reliable rear. A woman who will do everything for her husband, even at the cost of her own interests, and her partner feels this. Whether the mistress will do this is a big question.

Secondly, a strong emotional connection has been established with my wife, because we have experienced many difficult moments together. The mistress attracts physically and with new, lively emotions. But whether she will be faithful in grief is unknown. It is the fear of making a mistake in choosing that makes an unfaithful husband return to the family every time: what if things get worse in everyday life with her, he will leave me, and will not tolerate shortcomings. With my wife, everything is for sure.

And thirdly, it's convenient. A man gets everything he wants. Therefore, you need to decide what to do in this situation: come to terms with your husband’s infidelity or leave. This is one of the most important decisions in the life of every woman, because the future depends on it. Making the right choice on your own and, most importantly, not regretting it later is extremely difficult.

This is why it is so important to seek qualified help. Psychologists have extensive knowledge and extensive experience in helping women faced with a similar situation.

Meeting with a homewrecker

Such meetings make absolutely no sense, especially if you want to rip out a clump of hair from your mistress and show who’s boss. Men are designed in such a way that they inevitably feel guilty. Oddly enough, it invigorates them. If there is a wife and a mistress, he will be especially guilty of one of them.

Feeling guilty before your mistress is the collapse of a marriage.

When his wife accompanies him to work, kisses him on the nose, gives him lunch, and his little son, who looks like him, immediately runs out, blinks his eyes and says: “Daddy, I’ll be waiting for you,” he feels guilty before his wife and family. When, after all this, he comes to his mistress, he will even have sex with her with a feeling of guilt in front of his wife, and, in the end, such meetings will come to naught. But if a woman says: “Hey, where are you going? To be home at 8,” she gives him a negative charge. This is what the mistress needs, who, after such “gentle” instructions, will tell him affectionately: “Don’t worry, it’s okay, she just doesn’t understand you.” And if his wife also calls him to check on him, and his “caring and sensitive” mistress, without showing dissatisfaction, quietly helps him open the window, as if he were driving in a traffic jam, at that moment he will begin to feel guilty in front of her. It is this woman who helps him in everything, accepts him for who he is, and therefore loves him. Feeling guilty before your mistress is the collapse of a marriage.

So, if the wife nevertheless comes and starts tearing out the hair of the homewrecker, then at the moment when the husband comes once again to his passion, she with torn hair and sad eyes will tell him: “Nothing, nothing, Kolenka, I understand everything, I same woman." That’s it, his mistress is a hero, she’s great. And you can completely forget about the hysterical wife.

How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on with your life

Accept help

The first and most important step is to overcome the initial shock, calm down and soberly assess the situation. Ideally, use the help of a specialist, since loved ones are always biased and will not be able to give an impartial assessment of the situation.

Determine your options

At this stage, you must think about everything, weigh it and make the only right decision for you. The future of your marriage depends on it. Decide what your husband’s betrayal means to you: a warning sign or a point of no return.

To live on

Marriage is a two-way street and, no matter what, mistakes were made on both sides. Analyze, talk with your partner, look for answers. Take your time and listen to yourself. Find a professional who can help you regain your self-confidence and regain your integrity.

Forgiveness: wisdom for the lover or self-deception

A one-time casual relationship can be the result of a mistake, recklessness, or emotional breakdown of a partner. And this does not mean that love has passed. Of course, cheating in a fit of emotional breakdown does not make a husband happy. But at least it serves as an explanation for his action. And sincere repentance gives reason to give him a chance.

But if the betrayal is systematic, then the husband most likely perceives this as the norm.

Important: infantile and emotionally immature men, as a rule, become pathological cheaters. Loyalty is a conscious choice of an adult.

There is no point in forgiving him, since your partner subconsciously perceives your marriage as an open relationship. Every time he can sincerely repent, beg for forgiveness, promise to improve, but in fact he will not really change anything.

How to restore trust and restore happiness

Understand the reasons. Actions have a rational nature and a specific purpose. Try to figure out what your husband didn’t get in the marriage because he cheated.
Take rekindling your relationship seriously. Seek help from professionals. Psychologists know exactly what needs to be emphasized in such cases. Psychological consultation for those who really want to survive betrayal, forgive it and rebuild relationships. And this is extremely necessary not only for the injured party, but also for the traitor himself.
Don't rush the time. There is no way to speed up the process. It’s better to take small steps, but meet each other halfway every day. If obstacles arise, consult a psychologist. Move in the chosen direction until healing occurs!
Be completely honest. To build a relationship with an old partner, you need to forget about any secrets. Do not give any reason to doubt you or suspect something. Both partners must follow the rule.
Keep your promises. Empty promises and false hopes are perceived as lies. Do not allow this to happen so as not to destroy the fragile balance that has just been established.
Remember the pleasant moments from your life together and repeat them. Things you did together that gave you pleasure before your husband cheated.
Apologize. Express your sincere regrets and then move forward. Both partners have something to apologize for. Both are always to blame for betrayal. Give each other forgiveness and restore what you destroyed with your own hands.

Talk

Just to understand all the details. You need to talk calmly and honestly, at least for the first time. You need to fully understand the situation:

1. Were feelings involved.

2. Was it intentional? If your spouse has been on Tinder for two years, and only now someone responded to him, and he rushed off to copulate in all the sails of love - this is a bell. Yes, no matter where it is, it’s an alarm bell. Or maybe it was a drunken kiss at a party. Another thing, right?

3. Was it systematic? Maybe this is the first and very drunk time?

4. Does the spouse want to keep the family together? Yes, maybe everything has already been decided for you.

5. Was there any protection? This is not for psychological peace, but for your health. Maybe it's high time to run to the doctor.

How to forget your husband's cheating

Forgiveness involves letting go of resentment. There are several exercises that will help you do this:

Recognize and accept negative feelings.
It’s better to describe them on a piece of paper.
Release it (tear or burn the sheet).
Get rid of any mention of your husband's infidelity.
Do something nice for yourself.

Why doesn't it work?

Feelings defy logic, and resentment can be so strong that it is impossible to cope with it alone and with available means. There are many professional techniques, the choice of which depends on certain factors. You can get acquainted with them at a psychological consultation, where, under the strict guidance of specialists, you will definitely achieve success.

Contact our psychologists for help and you will not only find answers to all your questions, but also understand what to do with them. What decision will be the only right one for you and how to become happy again.

Objective assessment

The question of whether it is worth forgiving a husband’s infidelity needs to be considered from different perspectives. If you managed to find out exactly why it happened, draw the right conclusions.

Perhaps you did something wrong (stopped taking care of yourself, took up a career, or plunged headlong into housekeeping). If your priority is self-affirmation and career growth, wouldn’t the decision to fully comply with your spouse’s demands infringe on your own rights and freedoms?

My husband is tired of fighting what he doesn't like. He preferred to try to build a relationship with another lady. Try to give an objective assessment of your actions. Think about the prospects for the future. This will help you make the right decision.

Into the pool with your head or how not to be deceived again

The fear of encountering her husband’s betrayal again persists for quite a long time. It is necessary to work with it in the same way as with resentment. There are two proven methods:

Undergo psychological rehabilitation that will teach you to live without fear, increase self-esteem and restore self-confidence.
Lead an active lifestyle - you should always be busy doing things that give you pleasure (except work): hiking, hobby groups, training courses, sports clubs.

And also take precautions that will protect you from possible cheating on your husband:

carefully control the situation in the family;
find common hobbies for your couple;
set boundaries for personal space;
arrange relaxation evenings outside the home;
realize each other's erotic fantasies;
support the man, don't criticize him.

You have children who love him

Nothing makes a breakup as difficult as having children together. The separation of parents is always the greatest stress for a child, even if he has grown up a long time ago. But an even greater shock for children is to find out the reason for the separation of mom and dad. What should you do if your child is from your first marriage, and he has already become attached to and falls in love with his new partner? After all, finding a person who will love someone else’s child as their own is not so easy. Of course, staying together after an insult just for the sake of a child is not the best solution, but if there is at least a chance that you can forget about the betrayal, it might be worth a try.

conclusions

No explanation for her husband’s infidelity will be perceived as exhaustive. Such a cruel act cannot be justified by anything. The pain will seem unbearable, and it will not always be possible to come to an agreement with yourself. Thoughts will rush from one extreme to another. That’s why professional help from a specialist is so important.

You cannot push yourself to the extreme, when prolonged and severe stress transforms into a psychological illness. Several consultations with our psychologists will help you cope with pain using constructive methods and fully heal. Understand your mistakes and don’t repeat them again. Rewrite your future by starting a new happy life.

Should betrayal be forgiven?

Often when women turn to specialists, the question arises: “Is it worth forgiving a man’s betrayal?” Psychology in this regard says: if there is a desire of the spouses to maintain the relationship without the necessary readiness for constructive negotiations, it is advisable to contact a qualified psychologist.

Psychological assistance to a woman who has experienced betrayal consists of several steps. First, it is important to determine the cause of adultery, and finally to develop the best course of action aimed at restoring emotional well-being. If there are no results after using psychological methods, you can contact a hypnotist. Hypnosis can change a woman’s subconscious attitude towards betrayal, reduce anxiety, anxiety.

Hypnosis will not help charm your husband or make him fall in love. But it is capable of the following results:

eliminating resentment;
improved self-esteem;
increasing success;
relatively quick life change.

IMPORTANT! Informational article! Before use, you should consult a specialist.