Dependence on a person - how to get rid of this psychological condition and is it possible to stop depending on other people: signs and symptoms of the disease

When a person experiences addiction, it immediately comes to mind that we are talking about drugs or alcohol, but this is not always the case. Sometimes people can be dependent on their lovers, friends, relatives; this feeling is defined by the word “addiction”. The consequences of such a situation can be negative, because too pronounced obsessive manifestations will lead to personality disorder and the development of other psychiatric ailments. A dependent attitude manifests itself in constant control, an unhealthy craving to be always nearby and a loss of self-control. In this article, I will tell you in detail how to get rid of the state of psychological dependence, which is expressed in attachment to a person, and I will describe how this relates to psychology.

What is this feeling

This type of dependent relationship can take several forms:

love;
psychological.

The first involves obsession with a partner, parent or friend, teacher, artist. If such a feeling arises, the best option would be to immediately contact a psychologist.

Such attachment can lead to the main danger - a negative and destructive impact on the mental state of the dependent person. Such a person does not see the problem and wants to completely dissolve in his beloved, fulfill all his dreams and requests.

There is also psychological dependence on other people, the development of which is to blame for culture and society. In many films, books and theatrical performances we see true, sincere and heroic love, which gives rise to unhealthy behavior in us, the desire for the same romantic and loud relationships as in literary works. Another reason for the occurrence of such an illness is the primordial female image: a girl is obliged to love her husband with all her heart, fulfill his whims and care for him.

When a person does not build his personal boundaries, attachment develops on a psychological level. This manifests itself if the individual does not see the line where his influence ends and begins. He will not be able to clearly say which desires belong to him and which belong to his parents, partner, management. He also doesn’t listen to his body well, for example, he is unable to say “no” to his loved one in intimacy when he doesn’t want it at all. Such a person lives the life of another person, she is absorbed in him, and meanwhile her dreams, aspirations, desires act as ghosts.

But there is another reason for the appearance of such attachment - the loss of a close friend, spouse, parent. If an individual experiences this, he is traumatized. This event left an imprint of fear of loss on his life. Because of this, he becomes intrusive, overly responsive, and uses all his strength to maintain close relationships.

Literature:

Egorov A. Yu. Modern approaches to the treatment of gambling addiction. Journal of Neurology and Psychiatry. S.S. Korsakov. Special issues. 2014;114(5-2):46-52.
Pyatnitsky N.Yu. Statics and dynamics of psychopathy in the concept of E. Kraepelin. Journal of Neurology and Psychiatry. S.S. Korsakov. 2021;121(7):104-113.
Skokauskas I., Satkeviciute R., Burbv B. Some aspects of pathological attraction to gambling // Psychiatry. 2004. No. 3. P. 59-65.
Darensky I. D. Gambling addiction // Modern achievements in narcology. Conference materials. M„ 2005. P. 44-45.

Article prepared by an expert

Terekhov Vasily Stanislavovich

Head of the prevention department, coordinator of rehabilitation programs.

Article read by an expert

Barinov Alexander Mikhailovich

Psychiatrist, narcologist, psychotherapist. More than 10 years of experience working with alcohol and drug addicts.

Causes

To understand how to overcome and overcome dependence on a person, you need to know why it develops. A dependent state is a strong attachment of one individual to another. There are several reasons for the appearance of this disease:

The emergence of a desire to avoid responsibility. It manifests itself even in childhood, if the child was under the overprotection of his parents. In his childhood life, all problems were solved by adults, so he is not able to overcome all difficulties on his own. Such people do not feel protected, so they strive to be under the care of their husband or wife and always hope for their help.
Harassment. Children who have experienced violence from adults need support, care, tenderness and love most of all. And everyone who shows such tender feelings towards them finds an obsessive friend. The most important thing is the timely recognition of attachment and the prompt fight against excessive need for attention. If this process is started, it will lead to the development of addiction, which, in turn, can drive people crazy.

Take responsibility

In this step, you need to become determined to get rid of your addiction. You must understand that now your fortune and happiness will depend only on you. From now on, you will take deliberate steps to become an independent, self-sufficient person.

People who did not receive enough love in childhood become dependent on others. This doesn't mean your family didn't love you, they just might not have been able to express it in an accessible way. Now you are trying to get this care and love from another person, to become a child again, to merge with your partner. But this is impossible - no one will become your parent and give you love again.

Now you are an adult. And you will learn to give yourself everything you need on your own.

You can leave the relationship or stay in it. In the second case, your partner will either follow your changes and begin to change too, or leave. Because dependence always exists through the efforts of both. And if he becomes uncomfortable around you, he may end the relationship. Accept this opportunity in order to free yourself from attachment.

Signs of love and symptoms of emotional dependence on a person: main differences

I will describe in detail the difference between genuine love attraction and simple attachment to a partner. Only a mature person can love; an infantile person will not be able to show such deep feelings, since she has not yet matured enough to do so. Of course, she is capable of experiencing strong attraction, but this is only proof that she is dependent on a person.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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Every year our body grows up with us, then it begins to age, we cannot change this. However, not all people achieve psychological development, because it implies responsibility for their actions and for their relatives and family. Some people are put off by this and find an easier way.

Even a small child is capable of loving, but such love is consumerist. He respects his parents because they take care of him, educate him, and support him. The baby is very afraid of suddenly losing his mother, since it will be difficult for him to survive without her. If you educate him, not only fulfilling his whims and needs, but also develop him psychologically, explaining unobtrusively how to do the right thing, and what actions it is better to refuse, giving life instructions. He will subsequently move away from his mother and become independent, learn to thank loved ones and notice that his family is living people who must be respected and supported.

To find out if you are dependent on other people, you need to study the differences between love and affection:

Personal boundaries. Healthy relationships of mature and wise people have the trait that they use the pronoun “we” in family life (“we are planning to go to Spain on vacation”), but the “I” is always preserved. The main sign of emotional attachment between partners is the absence of boundaries. They constantly say “we”, using it in every situation and sentence. They often make decisions for each other, sometimes prohibit their partner from having their own free time, arguing that they need to spend more time together, and use things (a comb, a toothbrush) without asking permission.
Control. Love is manifested in respect, trust and care for the loved one. Partners do not limit each other’s freedom; they calmly respond to the request of a companion - to go to a bar with friends, or a companion: to go shopping with friends, to go to the movies, to go to their parents for the weekend. Dependence is expressed in constant control of the beloved, as they are haunted by the fear of being abandoned. Such people believe that control provides them with security, so they act as tyrants, dictating their will to their companion.
Show respect and maintain equality. A truly lover respects and values his soul mate, giving him the right to choose. But the infantile personality does not experience feelings of respect, but only contempt. Such a spouse behaves aggressively, discusses shortcomings behind their back, and makes fun of them. There can be no talk of equality in such relationships.

June 2, 2020

Ekaterina Jensen Dietitian and nutritionist. Creator of the project “Food for Life!” I specialize not only and not so much in weight problems, but in treating diseases with the help of nutrition. I see my mission as helping people become healthy on their own. My motto: “Health - without drugs!” I believe that everything is in our hands - both happiness and health. I am an optimist, I love life and people with their exciting stories.

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Sometimes it seems to me that I was sent into this world to experience many addictions and find ways to deal with them

During my not so long life I managed to get rid of:

smoking - after twelve years of continuous experience, a pack a day;
alcohol addiction (more than once!);
sugar addiction;
Internet addiction;
caffeine addiction;
etc.

I have had to break bad habits more than once.
To be honest, it was not easy every time. For example, I was able to finally quit smoking exactly thirteen years after the first cigarette I smoked during my school years. Photo by the author Over time, I developed a plan for getting rid of addictions, and Anna Shtaer and I thought: shouldn’t I share my experience with the readers of “ZHI!”? After all, it is impossible to live interestingly, fully and freely if you are heavily dependent on something. Your seemingly small weaknesses force you to take certain actions. It turns out that you are not the master of yourself and your life.

It is addiction that drives you to the kiosk on a dark, chilly night for cigarettes or pizza. I have clients who have stopped drinking alcohol or smoking, but have become endlessly addicted to food. Now the best way for them to calm down and/or fall asleep is some kind of junk food like chocolate bars or raisin buns.

It is addiction that makes you say “yes” to a glass of wine, even if you are driving or pregnant. It also makes you nervously glance at your phone hidden under the table when you are sitting in a company or at a meeting so that others “don’t see.”

I must say, I am always touched by people who, during events, constantly glance askance at phones hidden in bags or under the table. I wonder if they really believe that they do it unnoticed? :)

In this article I have collected information that will help you free yourself from what controls you without your consent.

Before getting rid of any addiction, let's define what it is.

If I like to drink a glass of wine with friends a couple of times a month or smoke two cigarettes a day, is this an addiction or not? Should a daily cup of natural coffee also be considered an addiction?

I think that addiction is a thing (action/substance/product) that has the following characteristics:

1. Addiction changes habitual behavior. For example, the lack of cigarettes will drive a smoker to the store even on a rainy night.

2. Refusal from the subject of addiction causes physical and/or psychological discomfort. The person decides: I will never again... But, fulfilling the promise, he feels discomfort and anxiety.

For example, when you give up social networks, you understand: this is your own decision. At the same time, you are feverishly looking for a reason why you definitely need to go online and check the situation at least with one eye.

Or you decide to give up coffee, but you constantly think about it on your first “coffee-free” morning. Then physiological discomfort begins - classic withdrawal symptoms in the form of headaches, sleep disturbances, increased nervousness, mood swings, and fatigue of an “inexplicable” nature.

3. The subject of addiction appears in your life with a certain frequency. Over time, this turns into a kind of ritual that you do on weekends or every evening, or even more often... In a word, when you develop a routine course of things in your relationship with this thing/substance/action, then addiction begins.

If this ritual cannot be performed for some reason, you begin to suffer and get nervous.

For example, if at the usual time there is no cup of coffee at hand, you feel “something is wrong” and try to drink it at the first opportunity. Another example: sometimes you smoke a cigarette with a friend, but this happens outside of any pattern. So you most likely do not have any addiction to cigarettes.

By the way, you can also depend on useful things/substances. Those who start eating right then can’t stop. And accidentally eating a raisin roll under stress can upset their balance.

For some, life isn't pretty unless they're sweating it out at the gym five to seven times a week. There are those who are so accustomed to smoothies for breakfast that even on the road they take blenders and special glasses with them. And before each trip, they carefully scour the Internet to purchase fresh herbs and vegetables in the vicinity of their hotel.

I am not kidding! Those who have completed my mini-detox program, which is based on morning smoothies, often laugh that they have developed an addiction to smoothies.

So, we have defined what addiction is. Now let's decide what to do with it. I assume that not everyone wants to get rid of it. There are those who die from lung cancer and at the same time tar their cigarettes...

Everyone has a choice. If one day you decide to take control of your life and not be led by cigarettes, the Internet, social networks, wine, sugar, etc. - here are detailed instructions on how to do this.

Step #1: Admit that you have an addiction

We cannot get rid of unknown things. The classic way to solve any problems is to first admit that they exist.

I won’t be able to quit smoking if I’m sure: “What’s wrong with this? I only have two cigarettes a day! My friend has a whole pack, and I…” If I believe that I need caffeine to wake up in the morning, and in principle I am not ready to consider other ways to increase my energy, then it is unlikely that I will be able to get rid of the habit of drinking coffee.

So, first realize this: not having these things will temporarily make your life less wonderful and make you feel a little stressed.

Step #2: Write a list of why you need to get rid of your addiction

You will need this list so that if you are tempted to give up on everything, you can read it and remember why you started all this. A kind of list-reminder-motivator.

For example, you can write like this: “If I stop eating sweets, I will become slimmer, my skin condition will improve, I will be able to respect myself for bringing this matter to the end, my hormonal balance will improve, I will be able to get pregnant, my acne will go away.” and PMS..."

Or this: “By quitting smoking, I will sleep better at night, I won’t cough, I will look fresh, and I will smell delicious.”

It is important to bring the matter of finding motivation to the end. I recommend writing such lists not just: “I want to stop eating donuts so that I can be thin and be liked by everyone,” but always ask yourself the question “Why?” Author of the picture: ELENA'S PICS

Why should I be thin, smell delicious and have a blooming appearance? To meet an interesting person of the opposite sex, to be loved, to not suffer from embarrassment when even an XL doesn’t fit on me in the fitting room, and a caring saleswoman asks if she should bring me a larger size of trousers... There could be a million reasons, you need to find their.

By the way! If it turns out that you won’t get much from getting rid of your addictions, maybe already at the first stage you will change your mind about giving up sweets/cigarettes/alcohol/social networks...

Perhaps you didn’t give a damn about the saleswoman from the fitting room and like yourself for who you are. And those who are dear to you love you in any size - be it L or XXXL. And you associate a cup of coffee in the morning with something super pleasant, and you are not ready to give it up in order to increase your energy level.

Step #3: Choose a Disposal Strategy

If you still decide that it is worth it, choose the method of disposal that is closer to you.

There are two options:

1. Cut from the shoulder. Refuse sharply, in one fell swoop, knowing full well that it will be VERY bad, but not for long. True, it doesn’t last long for everyone and depends on the subject and the degree of your addiction. And on the characteristics of your psyche and physiology.

For example, when giving up sweets, some people eat sausage for five days, and others for two weeks. Some suffer without cigarettes for a couple of weeks, while others suffer for a month, experiencing malaise, severe psychological discomfort and similar side effects.

2. Refuse gradually. If you smoke a pack a day, you can gradually reduce the number of cigarettes you smoke per day. If you drink five cups of coffee a day, switch to three, two, one first. Then it will be possible to refuse completely.

It sounds very comfortable, but I want to warn you: physical and psychological withdrawals will pass more calmly, but the process of refusal will be significantly prolonged. I myself always chose the first method: take it and quit at once, suffer to the fullest for several days, and then begin to come to my senses. Because sawing through a wound with a dull knife for a long and indefinite period of time absolutely does not suit me.

However, these are features of my character. Perhaps you are cut from a different cloth, and method number two is closer to you. It is also important to understand that the second method is not easier, because you will have to test your willpower for quite a long time.

As Allen Carr, my assistant in quitting cigarettes, wrote: “There is a monster inside of us, and it demands food. By indulging our addiction, we feed it and make it stronger. And you can either immediately de-energize it, experiencing severe discomfort, or gradually reduce its size, while simultaneously reducing the amount of its food (our addictions).”

If you want to reduce your dependence on caffeine, try introducing new rules: for example, drinking coffee only at your favorite coffee shop, in a certain environment, and only one cup. And never buy coffee to go. Photo by the author

Step #4: Prepare

Prepare methods of distraction from temptations in advance. For example, when giving up sweets, you can make a list of what gives you pleasure besides sweets.

For example: call a friend, chew some sunflower seeds, take a walk in the park, drink tea (without sugar)... When giving up alcohol, try not to test your patience and don’t plan a lot of parties. It’s the same with cigarettes: often, when drinking a glass, you unbearably want a cigarette. Therefore, it is better to keep parties to a minimum during this time. Yes, life is short, but in comparison, your struggle with addiction is just a short, albeit difficult, period of time.

Also, remove all temptations! Of course, I believe in your exceptional willpower, but believe me: it can fail. Therefore, there should be no chocolates “for children” or wine “for special occasions” in the house.

The habit of drinking wine with or without reason is difficult to get rid of even for those who have all other “addictions” that are extremely beneficial. Photo source: Exels

If you give up Internet addiction, I strongly recommend spending a vacation where it simply doesn’t exist. I did exactly that and have never regretted it. The week offline was very sobering. I think that if you give up cigarettes, this would also be a good option: go to a place where there are no cigarettes and nowhere to buy them.

I understand that you can’t live like this forever, but it will be easier to survive the first critical days.

Step #5: Don't think it's easy. Appreciate addiction

I think that most good initiatives end in failure because people underestimate the scale of the event. They think: “What bullshit, I can easily!!! I am strong, I have no addiction. I can easily not drink/smoke/eat sweets and now I will prove it to everyone.” And that's it, you're trapped!

Only by being serious about the process can you get rid of your addiction. Don't think it will be easy. Otherwise, you would have stopped at the first point, discovering that you have no addiction.

You must understand that your bad habits have both physiological and psychological addiction on their side. Sweets are often used to solve problems, cigarettes help you relax, and caffeine invigorates.

In addition, sweets change the composition of your microflora, and then it is not you, but the microorganisms that decide what you eat and drink. By the way, I wrote an article on my blog about why it is so difficult to change eating habits. Photo by the author.

Step #6: Determine the fight time

After studying the experiences of other people who have successfully given up similar addictions, choose a deadline for yourself: how much time you plan to devote to this fight.

For example, those who quit smoking are not recommended to return to cigarettes for at least a year. If you give up sweets and caffeine, it is not recommended to consume them for two to three months.

When I quit smoking, I promised myself to live a year without cigarettes and I did it! I didn’t return to this habit after a year - I was sorry for the effort spent. Twelve years have passed and I recently started smoking. And for several days in a row, on vacation. Fortunately, upon returning home, I felt the urge to smoke either on weekdays or on holidays, despite my smoking husband and colleagues.

Determine in advance the time during which you promise yourself to abstain from the subject of your addiction. Photo by the author.

Step #7: Act according to the intended strategy

Now it's time to act. Everything is simple here - you take it and... Refuse. Here I recommend reading the written motivator from point number two a couple of times a day to remind yourself why you started all this.

Also, be sure to praise yourself, encourage yourself and reward yourself with something useful and enjoyable. Let it not be food (Remember about addiction replacement? If you gave up cigarettes, you got hooked on raisin buns).

I also suggest writing an incentive plan. Something like: a week without sweets - new shoes. Two weeks - massage in the salon. A month without sweets - two days of mini-vacation. Rewards should be real and truly make you happy. Choose something that you have dreamed of for a long time, but somehow you were sorry for the money, you didn’t have time, and so on. Rewards should motivate!

What's next?

Next, you will have to be on guard for some time and monitor your reaction to items related to your former addiction. You can try to return this activity/substance into your life after the scheduled date for the sake of interest (except for drugs, perhaps).

No one will die from a cup of cappuccino with cheesecake or from a glass of wine, even several. Life goes on! And you can happily surf the Internet, eat sweets, drink coffee and alcohol, even smoke a cigarette a couple of times a year. If you are not afraid, of course, that the addiction will return. I was scared for about six years, then I even forgot that I had once smoked, and I no longer wanted to at all.

In short, now you can enjoy life and even the items of your former addiction. The main thing is that now YOU will be in control of the situation and not THEY.

When you regain power over your desires and acquire many useful habits, you will be able to please yourself from time to time with harmful, but such pleasant excesses :) Photo by the author.

Self-development #personal experience #Habits #Self-improvement

What are the types of addiction called and why does it occur: signs of attachment to a person

The dependent state has its own varieties, their main difference is in the object towards which such obsessive feelings are manifested. An advanced stage of emotional psychological illness leads to suicide and the development of mental illness.

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Love

It is one of the most common types. Its danger is manifested in its consequences. At first, lovers spend a lot of time together, begin to forget about friends, and cannot imagine life without each other. People in healthy relationships do not prohibit their partner from meeting friends and allow them to travel and engage in hobbies. But there are such relationships when family representatives cannot mind their own affairs, but devote all their free time to their beloved.

In most cases, girls and women experience such affection, since for them any avoidance of a meeting, even if there was a good reason, is perceived as:

he lost interest in me;
he is dating someone else;
he decided to break off relations with me;
he doesn't appreciate me.

The main signs of dependent feelings of a woman and a man:

relationships are impossible without constant interaction;
love relationships are a difficult process, but its absence is harder;
jealous feelings are the norm;
presence of constant threats of separation.

Attachment and fear complement each other. The addict is tormented by frequent anxiety and negative thoughts, he loses the ability to normally perceive the world around him without his loved one, but he also refuses to acknowledge the developing mental illness. If you find yourself in such a situation, sign up for a consultation with me, I will definitely help you get through this period and describe how to never return to it again.

Friendly

If your friend left for a couple of weeks, a month on vacation, on a business trip, and you start to get bored, because you have no one to discuss your day with and no one to hug. But to distinguish a normal friendship from a dependent one, pay attention to freedom. If two people experience sincere friendly feelings for each other, then they can spend time in the company of other people, without feeling uncomfortable and depressed. However, if everything is the other way around, one of the friends is jealous, does not like to spend time with strangers and gets angry if his friend meets a new friend - he has become a victim of addiction.

Parental

Adults sometimes put a lot of pressure on their child, providing excessive guardianship. From childhood, they begin to control every step of the child and try to prevent mistakes. Time passes, the baby grows up, and parental care increases. If parents show strong attachment, this indicates their reluctance to separate and let the child build his life outside the home where he grew up.

What does overprotection lead to:

children are not able to make independent decisions;
do not have the courage to stand up for their loved ones and themselves;
if a problem arises, be sure to call your mother;
in any dangerous situation he falls into a state of panic.

Prepare for difficulties

In the process of your renewal, you may break up with the codependent person. In any addiction, there is such a thing as withdrawal syndrome - this is a period when you will feel sadness, loneliness, and fear. It can be bad even on a physical level.

I recommend at this time not to fight your emotions, but to accept them. Treat them consciously. Expect this pain to pass soon. Learn how to cope with feelings of loneliness.

There is also a very useful NLP technique called “Drying Out”, it will help you let a person go. Here is a video with a version for women, this author has a similar one for men:

Stages

To understand how to stop depending on a person and remove addiction from your life forever, you need to study all the stages of its development, then you will know what stage you are at. I will list the main stages of attachment formation:

Lack of dependent relationships. With equal rights between spouses who value and protect their feelings and are one whole, healthy and harmonious relationships arise.
The emergence of obsession. If one of the partners uses manipulation, resorts to control, wants to be around every free minute, this indicates the development of attachment, which helps the addict drown out his internal conflicts. This stage is dangerous because the personality begins to degrade: self-esteem decreases, behavior becomes overly emotional, and it becomes more difficult to plan life.
Problems arising due to relationships. The addicted person gradually stops making contact with close friends, since all his time is focused on his spouse. He also experiences frequent touchiness, jealousy and loses self-control. In addition, such a person fully admits his guilt, but cannot do anything about it and suffers because of his behavior.
The emergence of difficulties within relationships. The last stage of the disease is characterized by dissatisfaction and a lack of positive emotions, but thoughts of change frighten dependent individuals. Gradually they become indifferent to everything except their attraction to their loved one.

What are the consequences?

What happens if you successfully complete all these stages?

If you stay in a relationship, you will notice that your feelings have changed. It will be easier for you to recognize healthy and unhealthy behavior in your partner. Fear, worries and groundless jealousy will pass. Your space will appear. The fact that another person has his own boundaries will no longer traumatize and frighten you.

It is likely that you will take off your rose-colored glasses and look at your partner differently, and maybe even lose interest in him. This is quite normal, because you have grown and become better able to understand what kind of person next to you really is.

If you have left a relationship, you will now see people as separate, whole individuals, and not as “donors” of resources useful to you.

Test

To find out for sure about your addiction, get tested. Answer the following questions:

Do you often feel anxious about your relationship?
Do you have difficulty saying no?
Are you constantly seeking his approval?
If he praises you, does your mood improve?
Do you panic if your partner is not happy with something?
Can't imagine your life without him?
Is he not interested in your goals?

If you only have 1-2 positive responses, this means that you are in the early stages of addiction. If there are already three “yes”, you are at the second stage, in order to prevent the development of the disease in a timely manner, sign up for my consultation, I will help you get rid of it. If 4-7 positive answers, you have the last stage of attachment.

Stop tolerating

Dependent people often make certain sacrifices on their part, hoping in this way to earn the recognition of their partner and get what they want from him. This manifests itself even in small things. For example, you hate ironing shirts, but you do it for a man. And if he doesn’t appreciate it or takes it for granted, you get offended and angry. Or you are offered a sexual experiment that frightens or disgusts you, but you agree in the hope of getting special treatment.

It is very important to stop being dependent, stop doing what you hate. Refuse if you do not want to comply with the request. Do not tolerate if there is abuse, humiliation and other unacceptable things in a relationship. Stop making sacrifices.

A little life hack to make things easier: when you feel like you’re tolerating something again, tell yourself: “I made that mistake last time. But this time I won't do that. Now I take care of myself and won’t do anything I don’t like.”

Always remember your intention to get rid of addiction.

Additional Tips

If you cannot cope with a constant addiction and the methods listed do not help, you can resort to additional tips:

Start a business or hobby that interests a person
It is necessary to constantly be in a busy state, allowing a person not to be repulsed by external factors that have a bad influence
If the day went badly and left you feeling unwell, you shouldn’t get hung up on the fact that using a constant “drug” will help you avoid problems
Bring new things into life. For example, change your wardrobe, make repairs, change jobs, change your environment, go abroad.
Fill the mind with structural thoughts
Follow the advice.
Give up prejudice and open your mind
Plan your daily routine

How to get rid of a state of dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist