How to get rid of resentment? how to let her go and forgive a person? how to cope with past grievances and learn to forgive people?

How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? You need to take 3 steps to forgiveness.

How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? Being in a state of resentment, you have little idea that you can forgive, forget and move on as if nothing had happened. But I assure you that you will definitely forgive your offenses and get out of the position of victim.

To forgive or not to forgive

Repentance will still come, but it will come after the person begins to lose.
Loved ones, friends, familiar comforts. Like that horse that didn't fulfill its purpose. You have to pay for everything in this life. And not to the one who has already been offended, but to the offender. And this is the law of cause and effect. The law of the universe about forgiveness

And it manifests itself, whether we want to understand it or not. Until the offender is punished for his misdeeds, the one who constantly forgives him will be responsible for him, without giving him the opportunity to suffer a well-deserved punishment. It is he who will suffer. And this is the mistake of the one who forgives even when the offender has stumbled three or more times.

By forgiving a criminal and allowing him to continue committing crimes, we become his accomplices. Therefore, think about whether you should learn to forgive people and let go of grievances, or, on the contrary, let a person understand that he is doing something bad by offending people.

Sorry

To live happily, a person must let go of all old sorrows. But this does not always work out. How to forget an offense and forgive a person? You need to understand: everything that has passed cannot be returned back. There is no point in worrying about what happened. Although sometimes it is impossible to correct your mistakes, it is necessary to forgive a person for old mistakes. Don't hold a grudge against the offender. It is important to understand that you do not want to take revenge on the person and will not remember him again. The pain from the wound will soon subside and you will be able to move forward normally. The main thing is not to collect negative emotions in your soul. You can free your heart from accumulated torment and pain by simply crying or through an open conversation. If there is no person around you who you can trust with the secret of your soul, then keep a diary. Describe in detail all the feelings and emotions from your day, as well as the thoughts that come to your mind about the offender. If you are still tormented by the question of how to forget the grievances of the past, you need to carefully work through each situation and the emotional well-being that you experience when you remember the trauma. It is necessary to come to peace. It is then that you will truly sincerely forgive the person, and will not pretend that you have forgiven.

How to learn to forgive

How to forgive an offender

“Forgiveness is a conscious decision, a state of mind and soul that needs to be worked on day after day.” Below we will present you with some simple steps to forgiveness that anyone can use.

1. Become one with your emotions

Think about where and in what state you are at the moment. Throw away all prejudices and be honest with yourself. Don't judge yourself or blame yourself for what happened, but take what happens responsibly and seriously. Try not to make rash decisions. In order to clarify your thoughts and sort out your thoughts, you can write them and your feelings on a piece of paper - this will make it much easier for you to organize the mess in your head.

After you have written down your thoughts and feelings, think about what you can do in the moment to get rid of them or ease your state of mind. In order to master your emotions and lift your spirits, it is not necessary to take global measures - you can, for example, go for a walk, take a breath of fresh air to calm down and move on to the next points with a fresh mind.

In addition, you can spend a few hours alone with nature or engage in creativity: drawing, coloring various elements, creating patterns, music. You can write a letter or even ask a loved one for help or, in extreme cases, a specialist.

2. Let go of the past

One of the most important steps to forgiveness and a happy life is learning to let go of the past and live in the present, even in the face of traumatic experiences. Often we drag the past along with us, not noticing that it is pulling us down and blocking our path to freedom. In the absence of regular training in the ability to let go of the past, we become hostage to our emotions and accumulate negative thoughts that turn into chaos. They cloud our minds and prevent us from looking at things soberly.

In order to start living in the present, train yourself to see beauty in the little things. To begin with, you can go to the park, close your eyes and listen to the world around you. Every sound, every smell is beautiful in its own way. Learn to notice beauty in the rustling of leaves and the scent of rain.

Another easy way to let go of the past is to keep a diary. It's much easier to organize your thoughts on paper. There you can answer the questions asked to yourself in a detailed form, as if to an invisible interlocutor - “Who would I be without anger, resentment, pain and the desire for revenge?”, “How would my life change then?”

Accept mistakes as experience

Don't understand how to forget old grievances? Psychologists advise people to perceive grief as a useful life experience. Did someone seriously hurt you? So, don’t let the offender get too close anymore. Did your friend let you down? Next time, be more careful when choosing friends you can trust. Mistakes make people stronger and wiser. Therefore, there is no need to accumulate grievances against others. Instead, thank them for becoming smarter and more experienced. After all, the price could be much higher. Remember that everything bad that happened in your life led to where you are now. And since the present is better than the past, you have nothing to worry about. Why hold a grudge against people who played an important role in your destiny? They taught me new things, deprived me of unnecessary things, and showed me a path that it is better not to take. What you experienced was necessary in order to understand everything and perceive life in a new way. Will the runic phrase “Grievances are forgotten” help? Everyone decides for themselves. You can resort to any methods, the main thing is not to cause harm.

How to learn to forgive?

We can only get rid of the oppression of resentment if we become masters of our destiny. Only then do we begin to understand that our “offenders” are ordinary people to whom nothing human is alien, which means they tend to be mistaken and make mistakes. Our love will help you understand and forgive this. The ability to forgive is a “secret” weapon that is always with us. It is through forgiveness that you can lift a heavy burden from your shoulders. Offenders most often do not even suspect how the offended suffer, what thoughts they torment themselves with. Therefore, you need to learn to forgive, at least for selfish reasons.

How to get rid of resentment

Before you begin to get rid of resentment, you should start by understanding how and why you need to forgive. Psychological advice will help with this, representing certain steps on the path to forgiveness.

So, how to deal with resentment (a few basic recommendations):

Learn a simple truth: resentment is evil and self-destruction. The worst thing is to feed resentment . Even if you are right a hundred times and the person really acted disgustingly towards you, your negative emotions will only harm you. They will slowly destroy you, eat you and leave only emptiness behind. This may be cliche advice, but you need to let go of the past, whatever it may be. You need to stay the course only forward and look boldly into the future.
Positive motivation is a huge force . Try to imagine what will happen if you begin to easily forgive your offender. First, you will no longer be affected by other people's negative actions towards you. You will be free from pain and resentment, you will not destroy yourself. Secondly, you will be able to build relationships with other people without unnecessary fears, because resentment often prevents you from looking with clear eyes at the world around you. Thirdly, a person devoid of grievances and dependence on negative emotions attracts good people more. And fourthly, you can be happy and feel harmony.
Negative motivation can also be a help. Think about what will happen if you never get rid of your resentment? The consequences can be dire:

You will constantly experience negative experiences. They will eat away at you and prevent you from enjoying life.
The resentment will gradually grow like a snowball. Every year new grievances will be added to the old ones, which is why sooner or later a person will begin to get sick. The worst thing is that unforgiven grievances can lead to cancer.
Any relationship invariably deteriorates due to grievances. You stop trusting other people, lose your sense of joy and love. This can destroy any, even the strongest union.
Resentment will constantly prevent you from building a relationship with your loved one.
Often, resentment becomes a motive for revenge. And revenge, as we know, leads to a dead end. It can cause irreparable mistakes that can destroy not only your life, but also the lives of other people.

Learn a lesson even from negative situations . Oddly enough, we gain the most valuable experience from difficult life situations. Be grateful to those people and circumstances that test your strength. After all, they make you stronger.
A sense of humor will help cope with resentment. You should learn to be self-critical. None of us are perfect, but those people who are able to admit this and joke about themselves are strong. If you can laugh at your shortcomings, others will have no point in poking at them . This will not give them any pleasure, because you are invulnerable in this regard.

These were recommendations considered, so to speak, theoretically. To consolidate everything that was said above and help yourself get rid of the resentment, it should be worked through. Special psychological techniques will help with this. We will look at some of them in the next section of the article.

Source of resentment

Before you learn to forgive and let go of negativity, you need to understand where the resentment comes from. In fact, the problem has two sides. On one side is the offender, who was pushed to an impartial act by some considerations, perhaps not even fully understandable to him. On the other side is the offended person, who for some reason could not let the words spoken to him fall on deaf ears - he has his own reasons that force him to perceive the offense so acutely and worry about trifles.

The first step to forgiving an offense should always be an attempt to understand its true reasons, to understand why someone wanted to offend you and why you were offended by it. After you analyze the situation, you may be able to let go of negative feelings without effort, and you will not even have to resort to the psychological techniques that we will give below.

So, let’s first figure out what can motivate the offender’s actions.

Envy. A person who envies you, wittingly or not, can try to bring you down to earth, proving to himself that you are no better than him, and to you that you are not as good as you think. Understand that the offender is doing much worse than you, since he is so jealous of you, so is it worth being offended by him? Isn't it better to feel sorry for him? And if you are noble enough to offer help to the envious person, it is possible that you will hear kind words addressed to you from him.
Revenge. Remember, did you accidentally offend someone who offended you? Perhaps he's just taking revenge. In this case, tell yourself “we’re even” and let go of the offense. It’s even better if afterward you have a heart-to-heart talk with the avenger and restore the damaged relationship.
Misunderstanding. Most often, this becomes the reason why close people are offended. They wish well, and when, due to a misunderstanding, it seems to them that you are not living in a way that is good for you, they try to set you on the right path, without even realizing that they are causing you mental pain with their comments and reproaches. You just need to understand their motives to stop holding a grudge against them.
Stupidity. A person could simply blurt out something, not thinking that you would take these words painfully. Do not be angry. Remember the folk wisdom that they don’t take offense at fools, and forget about what happened, as if nothing happened.

It is worth mentioning separately about such an offense as betrayal. By cheating, a person offends you, although he has no such goal. This, one might say, is a side effect of betrayal. Against her, you will stop feeling resentful. However, to forgive and “forgive sins” does not mean accepting and leaving everything as it is. First forgive, and then make a decision. If you decide the fate of your relationship with the traitor soberly, without being intoxicated by the thirst for revenge, the chances of making the right decision will increase many times over.

Now let's look at the reasons that make us offended.

Understanding that the offender is right. If so, then admit it. And you must admit, you shouldn’t be offended that someone opened your eyes. Perhaps you will even be grateful to him for this later. After all, treatment is not always painless, the main thing is the result.
Fear that they may think badly of you, that your authority in the eyes of other people will fall. But let's not think of those around us as a herd of sheep: most of them are able to understand what motives motivate your offender and form an adequate opinion about both you and him. They will think badly not about you, but about your offender. And if you can rise above the insults, your authority will even increase.
Misunderstanding. Perhaps no one wanted to offend or hurt you. You just misinterpreted his words or actions. Try to analyze the situation. Maybe there’s nothing to be offended about here?

If the analysis of the causes of the offense did not help to let it go, then you will have to resort to one or more psychological techniques of forgiveness.

Psychologist's advice

Learning to forgive is not easy. Resentment, having settled in the soul, does not allow one to forget about itself. If you can’t let go of the situation, you can resort to special exercises.

Mentally take revenge. Imagine in every detail the offender and the situation that led to the offense, followed by revenge. It can be anything, the main thing is that the offender must be “punished”, and the offended person must feel avenged.
To forgive your husband or wife, you need to take a piece of paper and divide it into two parts. On one, write down all the words that are associated with offense. On the second - all the words that are associated with positive moments in life. Re-read both columns several times, then tear the sheet in half and burn the part on which the “grievance” is written. If you can’t forgive a man with whom you are just planning a relationship, you should break up with him.
Close your eyes, relax and mentally “inflate” the offense, bring the situation to the point of absurdity - what will happen if you continue to be offended. At some point, the offensive will become funny.

Many grievances last for many years, from the past, from childhood. You can try to talk frankly, express your painful issues. But if half your life you can’t forgive your sister for a broken doll or an unsuccessful romance, then you should seek professional help.

Emotions and grievances

Our reaction to grievances can be very different - just like ourselves. Someone gathers himself into a fist, and, gritting his teeth, continues to move forward, no matter what. Someone tries to pretend that they don’t care (some succeed more, some less). Well, some people are hurt by insults to such an extent that they freeze in place for a long time, trying to pick up all the pieces of their broken heart.

Emotions caused by offense, especially if we were offended unfairly and without any reason, can become so deeply ingrained in our psyche that it becomes very, very difficult to get them out of there. The reason for this effect is quite simple: our brain is initially “wired” in such a way that the longevity and vividness of the memories it creates regarding a particular situation directly depends on the emotional arousal caused by this situation.

What is emotional arousal? First of all, it is our brain's tendency to remember better those things that had a greater emotional impact on us.

Unfortunately, our brain does not distinguish between pleasant and unpleasant events; it only cares about the strength of the emotions associated with them. That's why he'll remember the best and worst days of your life—including bullying and traumatic events—with equal readiness. Yes, this feature of our psyche cannot be called particularly pleasant, but it allows us to understand why emotions associated with negative events in our lives (as well as their effects, including anxiety, depression, fear, insomnia, feelings of loneliness, and so on) can stay with us much longer than the reasons that caused them.

When we experience negative emotions (such as in the examples above), it is very important that we are fully prepared to take them to their logical conclusion - especially for our own mental health. Yes, this will require time, effort and work on ourselves, including our own emotions, but believe me, the result is worth it

Why should we rejoice at grievances?

Resentment is your growth area. If you feel offended by someone's criticism, then most likely you really think about yourself that way. For example, you were told that you are fat and that it would not hurt you to lose weight. If you are offended by this, it means that you think so about yourself or doubt it deep down. And the offender simply let you see the place where you are unsure of yourself, where you need to grow up. And if you have a completely different opinion about yourself, are always confident in your beauty, or you simply don’t care what kind of figure you have, then you will react to such a statement with laughter. This way, the offender will not catch you on the hook, and his words will fly past you.

If you are offended by something, make a note of what exactly it was. This is your growth zone. The place where you need to learn to love yourself, grow, develop, improve yourself. So smile at your offender and sincerely thank him. Rejoice - he helped you see your growth zone and now you know where you need to change yourself for the better.

Thus, if a person offended you, then by doing so he showed you where you treat yourself poorly. Start to develop in the areas in which you tend to take offense. And over time, no one will be able to offend you.

How to forgive an insult? About humility

– How do you understand when to humble yourself and remain silent, and when...

“That’s why you need to humble yourself.” Only a humble person distinguishes between good and evil. As the Lord blesses, so he will behave. For others, it may be useful to shed seven skins. Recently, one general (he was already approaching 80) told me: “When I was 14 years old, I began to behave completely disgracefully. Moreover, our family was not an easy one, the famous shipbuilder Academician Alexei Nikolaevich Krylov visited, he and my dad spoke French, and I understood French. When topics were forbidden for me, they switched to German. And then one day, in response to some of my next rudeness, daddy took me and spanked me thoroughly. This was not a violation of my dignity. I just had a transitional age, a hormonal explosion. And the father extinguished this explosion with a powerful opposite action. I am grateful to my dad." His father spanked him without malice. But I do not at all encourage everyone to spank their children, because for this you need to be the kind of dads and moms who can do this with humility, internally maintaining the presence of mind. A humble person does not lose spiritual peace under any circumstances. Should I tear it off? Well, then, we’ll stick it out for the good of the cause, only with love.

– Is it possible to go to Communion if you can’t overcome the pain?

– There are sins that cannot be overcome in one go and, of course, in such a situation God’s special help is necessary. Therefore, you need to take communion, you need to pray, repent, fight your sin. And understand that either you will conquer your sin within yourself, straining all your strength, or sin will defeat you without any effort.

- What do you mean, will defeat you?

- This means that you will lose this person, you will not be able to communicate with him at all. Since you have sin in your soul, you will act sinfully, there will be vindictiveness, rancor, and resentment. You will accumulate grievances, look for and see where they are not, and interpret everything in a bad sense. This will lead to spiritual degradation. But you need to receive communion only on the condition that you pray from your heart and repent from your heart. You may be overwhelmed by this sin, but you fight against it. There are sins that cannot be overcome quickly; you need to fight them constantly, just make sure you don’t relax, don’t get tired and don’t lose hope that with God’s help you will overcome them. Then, of course, it is simply necessary to receive communion.

The Lord sends us such trials so that we learn to fight sins. We have forgotten about some ancient sins, we don’t even think about them, but we are sinners anyway, so the Lord sends us the current visible sin so that we feel it and overcome it. But since a person is a holistic being, if he overcomes this sin, then he also overcomes others. Man is a sinner, but the Lord is merciful. You ask for forgiveness for one sin - the Lord can forgive you others. But you shouldn’t treat the sacrament like some kind of medicine: take a pill and your headache goes away. By the way, if the headache has stopped hurting at the moment, this does not mean that the illness has passed. And here we are talking about healing completely, so that this moral pain does not return.

About forgiveness
Forgiveness on the Internet - “virtual forgiveness”?

Seven steps to stop being offended

What is your grievance?

First you need to figure out what the offense is, against whom, at what moment. If this is an insult to your husband, you need to understand exactly when it happened, what was done or said at that moment. What exactly struck you the most? Is there any feeling of injustice left after that conversation or situation? Obviously yes. Admit it.

Awareness of resentment and its causes

Your personal beliefs are to blame for the state you are in now. Perhaps the other person doesn’t even understand what the essence of your offense is? The fact is that for him this may be the absolute norm! If you eat a banana, and someone categorically does not eat it, does this mean that this person may be offended by you because you eat a banana in front of him? It's funny, and yes - it can!

You need to try to figure it out, and perhaps change your views on some events. What is objective for you may not be objective for another person, since all people, as we know, are different! And vice versa. The absolute norm for one is something absolutely unacceptable for another!

For some, cheating or polyamory is a problem. For some it means constant lies or understatement. Someone is too straightforward, and in response to your request to evaluate your new shoes, they will simply say that the shoes are just like shoes, and you are offended by this. Happens? Yes, not yet! Of course, everything here is again individual and depends on the level of upbringing.

Perhaps your beliefs are not far from ideal, perhaps they are truly true. The fact is that if you are smart enough to understand it, then it is far from a fact that the other person can understand it too! Think about it.

Third person view

In any conflict or offensive situation, psychologists recommend using an approach called “Third Person View.” The essence of the approach is that you put yourself in the place of another person and look at the situation from his side. Only by looking, virtually, through his eyes at the situation, perhaps you will see that it really looks different?

After this, perhaps you will understand that there is a difference between your perception and the perception of another person, sometimes huge, and sometimes just the opposite!

Could it be that something you are offended by looks different from the outside?

Can you reconsider your grievance using third person perspective?

Forgive... yourself!

You can solve any situation by starting with yourself. The same resentment is torment. And you yourself! Some part of your consciousness (or subconsciously) may be suffering, it is important to forgive yourself and love yourself. This means accepting yourself as you are.

Why should I be offended?

For any action (any action at all!), I, as a psychologist, recommend always asking the same question: “Why?”

Now you are offended, why do you need this specifically? What do you want to achieve and what is your ultimate goal? For a person to apologize? Perhaps if he realizes that he was wrong! To feel sorry for yourself? They regretted it, for example. What changed? If nothing else, then stop feeling sorry for yourself and start thinking! Why do something that doesn't produce results?

Think about whether you are ready to continue to be offended by a person (boyfriend, girl or dog). By the way, you were often offended by pets, remember if this happened?) After all, an animal does not do it out of malice, not with the intention of offending, so most often we are not offended by animals. Because there's no point.

If you don’t have any unpleasant feelings (no longer), think about whether you are ready for forgiveness and conversation. If the thought that having spoken will make you feel better and calm will come, you are ready for the next step!

Intimate talk

If the person is within your access zone (i.e. you can and, in principle, want to talk to him). Explain what you are worried about because of such and such a situation, explain your emotions, feelings, mental pain and confusion. Ask to explain the situation from the person’s point of view, ask if he is ready to talk about this topic.

You cannot directly insist on an apology from your interlocutor. If a person wants to do this, he will do it himself, realizing that he has offended you. Especially if he didn’t want to offend in the first place, or you thought of something for yourself.

If a person does not understand, is not ready to apologize, or did it out of spite, forgive him. Forgive yourself and let go of the situation. And it will be a lesson to you that perhaps you need to reconsider the rules of your communication with this person, or perhaps stop completely.

Awareness and forgiveness of offense

The most important thing is to understand and comprehend all the previous stages. You can free yourself from resentment by leaving behind and forgiving all the negativity, all the bad things that caused this emotion that tormented you.

The psychologist’s advice is that in the present, which every second becomes the future, there is no place for past grievances and filling your head with unnecessary information. We lived, forgave, and put it out of our heads.

I'm sorry or I'm forgiving?

Moral and psychological suffering from insults can last for years until a person fully understands himself. Enormous work, and often the help of a psychologist, is required in order to finally get rid of tormenting psychological pain. In life you have a lot of interesting, important and useful things that are worth focusing on. Living with past grievances, you take away your time from something new and interesting. Something that can make your life better, raise its quality to a new level! Work on it, free yourself and breathe deeply! Take action! Right now!

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be problematic, especially if the victim does not admit their mistake. If you get stuck:

Practice empathy. Try to see the situation from the other person's point of view
Ask yourself why he or she behaves this way. Perhaps you would react the same way if you were faced with the same situation
Think about how you have hurt others and those who have forgiven you.
Write in a journal, pray or use meditation, or talk to someone you consider wise and compassionate, such as your therapist or an impartial loved one or friend
Remember that forgiveness is a process, and even small wounds may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the traumatic event involved someone whose relationship you value differently, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, this is not always the case.

Reconciliation may not be possible if the abuser is dead or unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, a meeting may not be appropriate. However, forgiveness is possible—even if there is no reconciliation.

What if the person I forgive doesn't change?

Forcing another person to change their actions, behavior or words is not the point of forgiveness. Think about forgiveness more in terms of how it can change your life—bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power that another person continues to have in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly evaluate and admit the mistakes you have made and how they affected others. Avoid harsh judgments about yourself.

If you truly regret something you said or did, consider admitting it to those you harmed. Talk about your sincere grief or regret and ask for forgiveness without making excuses.

Remember, however, that you cannot force someone to forgive you. Others must move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, try to treat others with compassion, empathy and respect.

Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health

We have all heard the admonition “you need to forgive and forget.” Many of us heard this as a child from our parents when we were hurt by a brother or friend. We were told to turn the other cheek and give our buddies another chance.

Some of us have learned that the golden rule behind this is to do to others what we would like them to do. Since parents can quickly point this out, we were certainly guilty of our own misdeeds and needed forgiveness.

Our parents were not mistaken. Knowing how to forgive someone is a vital skill. This serves us well in our personal lives and in our professional relationships. It preserves friendships and restores our faith in our children. And we definitely benefit from it when the people in our lives can forgive us when we inevitably screw up.

Forgive and forget is good in theory, but in reality it is difficult. Below are four reasons why it is important to forgive but not forget.

Forgiveness is critical
to our emotional health. By refusing to forgive someone, we choose to hold on to all the anger and bitterness caused by their actions. When we choose to hold on to this anger and let it consume us, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted, and even physically ill. Forgiveness is all about us, not about the other person. We don't forgive other people because they deserve it. If this were a litmus test for when to forgive, it would happen very rarely. Instead, we choose to forgive those who have hurt us because we cannot fully let go of the destructive emotions within us until we do so. Forgiveness is not a matter of justice; it's a heart problem.
We can learn
from past experiences. We need to take what we can learn, remember the lesson and move on. This may mean moving on or without the person who hurt us. Even in the midst of a situation, we can learn something about ourselves—about what pushes our buttons, where we may have sensitivities, and how we cope when someone cares about us. With this new knowledge, we are better prepared for future relationships and the inevitable conflicts that will come with them.
Forgiveness can strengthen
our
relationships
. All relationships can be restored, and even deepened and flourished, despite what happened in the past, but because of it. The act of forgiveness strengthens people's commitment to healthy relationships. And they become more committed to preventing contentious and harmful conflicts from arising in the future.

We protect ourselves from becoming a victim of the same crime again. Don't dwell on what happened and rehash it regularly. Instead, we need to remember what happened to us to prevent it from happening again. Just because we have forgiven someone does not mean that we decide to keep them in our lives. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is forgive them and then move on without them. It is important that we do not allow ourselves to be subjected to the same abuse over and over again. Therefore, it is absolutely essential that we learn from what happened so we are committed to a better outcome in the future.

There is great value in learning to forgive but not forget. Self-care requires regularly forgiving others. Remember, we are doing this for us, not for them. And we don't obsess, but we also don't forget, so that we can take valuable life lessons with us.

The Importance of Forgiveness

3. Get your strength back

Completely starting life from scratch is not so easy, but starting to write a new, personal story is much easier. Remember that you were not born a victim, which means you can fix it

It is worth paying attention to the fact that forgiveness is not an isolated incident, but a long process that requires work. In addition, you should understand one simple truth - no one has the right to burden you with grievances and negative emotions.

When painful feelings return, remind yourself that you are choosing to forgive the person. You give him forgiveness because it is your decision, it is in your hands, you are in control of the situation and it is you who choose love, kindness and light.

The desire to change the situation must come from within. It appears then, and only then, when we understand that love, happy relationships and a vibrant life are our personal right from birth.

4. Learn a lesson

There is a valuable lesson to be learned from every experience we have. Sometimes these experiences can be painful, however, as we all know, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Even if we consider what happened to be a complete injustice, it strengthens us both physically and mentally, allowing us to find new ways out of various situations.

In addition, such incidents reveal the true nature of both those around us and ourselves. In a stressful situation, a person begins to behave completely differently, and by understanding the reason and essence of one’s own behavior, one can learn to control it.

The True Meaning of Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not forget what happened. It doesn't justify the abuse, and it doesn't mean you're no longer angry about what happened. Forgiveness is not a renunciation of efforts to achieve legal justice. Finally, it does not require that the offender admit that he was wrong, ask for forgiveness, or be willing to change. Yuri* won't have to befriend those who betrayed him again, and he won't have to put himself through more pain by trying to stand up to those who bullied him.

So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness occurs when you choose to let go of resentment or revenge, even if the actions of the person who wronged you do not deserve it. You decide to give him or her the gifts of mercy, generosity, and love. He doesn't deserve this. But you deserve freedom. You deserve the right to let go.

Forgiveness begins with acknowledging that someone did something wrong to you and that they truly deserve your anger. Beyond this, however, you should be able to still want good things for him or her. This involves what can be a long and complex process. Understanding what forgiveness means takes time, and it may take longer depending on the severity of the crime and the length of time you have lived with the harm.

The power of forgiveness - and why forgiveness, although difficult, is necessary

It is quite possible that consciously forgiving our offenders, and the emotions associated with it, may be the most powerful antidote to the pain caused by resentment.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened to you and moving on. This does not mean that you approve of your abuser's actions, or that you think there is nothing wrong with them.

First of all, forgiveness is a conscious decision not to follow our desire to punish someone (or even ourselves) for an offense.

Yes, forgiveness is a conscious decision. Yes, it is yours and only your choice. And yes, you can forgive yourself. But there is one problem... most often all this remains just words. We can make noble decisions as much as we like to forgive our offenders or ourselves, either wholesale or retail, but if these decisions remain only words, there will be, frankly speaking, little sense from them. Most of the time, we are not very good at translating our words into actions.

Why is that? For many reasons. Because of our emotions. Because we are always trying to put everything into pieces. After all, we are not responsible for other people’s actions, are we?

It’s true, but we are responsible for our own. And not only for actions, but also for emotions and thoughts.

So even if you are not at all to blame for finding yourself in an unpleasant situation, remember that you will still have to deal with its consequences and weaken the effect it will have on your life.

It's up to you to decide whether you can ultimately forgive your offenders.

And, most importantly, only you can decide whether you deserve happiness and inner peace.

“How can I forgive them?”

According to Dr. Robert Enright, a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness, to help ourselves forgive both ourselves and others, we can use the following several-step process:

How to really forgive? Basic stages of forgiveness

If forgiveness isn't as simple as saying, "I forgive you," how does that work? Fortunately, the psychological literature offers some answers here too. As it happens, there are phases of forgiveness that, if we are aware of them, can help us be more patient as we heal and as we deal with wounds that reopen.

In the first phase

Forgiveness, called the “Disclosure Phase,” requires those who seek to forgive to “discover how the offense compromised my life, confront and clarify the nature of the offense, and uncover the consequences that followed.” A willingness to look at what you have lost because of what another person did. Marina thought that she needed to let her stepfather back into her life in order to forgive him; because she couldn't do it, she thought she couldn't ask for forgiveness from her higher self. Understanding more about real forgiveness helped her move forward.

At the second stage

During the decision phase, you learn more about the nature of forgiveness and make a decision to forgive. At this stage you declare your will. Even if my feelings do not coincide with my desire to forgive, the action begins here with a choice.

At the third stage

, stage of work, you work to change your view of the offender - to see his or her side of the story, so to speak. Marina began to tell me about her stepfather's traumatic background and how his parents treated him. She understood that he could not control his anger, and she felt sorry for him. These steps may change your feelings toward the offender over time.

At the last stage

As you deepen, negative feelings decrease and you can find meaning in the suffering you have experienced. Stella, still broken, had an increasing desire to work with other women who had suffered in this way. Helping others becomes a way to find good out of terrible trauma. It connects her with others. Freud called this "sublimation." She is no longer burdened; she can transcend suffering.

Regardless of the approach to forgiveness, the facts remain that it is never easy, and true forgiveness is never quick. Trauma anniversaries and new similar experiences can become victims of revisiting past wounds. But thanks to family therapists, psychologists, the support of family and friends, we live in a world where we can grow and learn to forgive, let go and move forward on the path to freedom.

How to remain calm in response to criticism?

A person sometimes receives teachings from another person with indignation. And what can we say about the offensive words that he hears from others? Remaining calm in response to criticism can often be very difficult. Of course, it is good to remain cool and unperturbed in any situation. But how to curb your emotions when necessary? There are several tips to help you do this:

• Don't respond to the offender right away. In anger, you can say a lot of things that you will later regret.

• Deceive the offender in his expectations. Konstantin Kushner, a Russian historian and educator, said: “If you are offended, the enemy has succeeded.” Know that your opponent’s main goal is to get under your skin. So why should he give this pleasure? Smile and forgive him.

• During an argument, ask the offender: “What can I do to improve the situation?” Is he confused and can't answer? This means he has personal reasons to talk badly about you. Such criticism cannot be fair.

• The genius Erian Schultz said: “To be offended by bad words addressed to you is to agree with them.” This simple phrase explains everything. Do you really consider yourself to be what your enemies are trying to make you out to be? Of course not. But there is no point in proving them otherwise. It’s better to step aside and ignore their words.

• Do you want to know how to learn to forgive insults? Make excuses for your opponents. Try to step into their shoes and understand why they do it. Everything is simpler than it seems at first glance. One was created by nature to be so angry, the second was offended today, and in the heat of the moment he shouted at you, the third is having an unlucky day today, everything is falling out of his hands, and he decided to “send everything to hell”, quarreling with everyone, including you . Justified? Has it become easier? All that remained in my soul was pity for these poor people.

• Live in the moment. You need to forgive the offense in time, let go of the past and continue to move on your path. Focusing on quarrels with others will not lead to good.

Live in the present

How to forget and forgive an insult? A person who cannot let go of the past will never live in the here and now. To notice how beautiful your present is, you must let go of grievances. Try for at least one day not to think about what’s bothering you. And to distract yourself from bad thoughts, be attentive to the details around you. Take a closer look at your home, perhaps some things have been in need of repair for a long time, get rid of the trash. Be grateful to others for their attention and care. For example, if your husband brings coffee to bed, do not take this circumstance for granted, but thank your loved one for showing concern.

Pay attention to your friends and the problems associated with them. Perhaps you can help your loved ones and make them happy. Stop focusing on yourself and the grief that once happened. Life goes on, and you need to understand this. Get into some good new habit; whenever thoughts arise in your head that throw you back into the past, you need to put up a barrier from a pre-conceived image. For example, you were engaged in a monotonous activity, and a friend who offended you came to mind. Resist the temptation to think of an extraordinary personality. Better imagine a summer landscape: flowers, butterflies and peaceful swaying trees. A picture like this will help you quickly return to the present.

How to forgive an insult? Can you imagine the Savior being offended?

– Father Alexander, what is resentment? Only internal pain or retention of evil, memory of evil?

– I won’t answer these questions first, but I’ll ask you myself: can you imagine an offended Savior, or an offended Mother of God?.. Of course not! Resentment is evidence of spiritual weakness. In one place in the Gospel it is said that the Jews wanted to lay hands on Christ (that is, to grab Him), but He walked among them, through an aggressive, bloodthirsty crowd... It is not written in the Gospel how He did this, perhaps He looked at them so angrily , as they say, he flashed lightning with his eyes that they got scared and parted. This is how I imagine it.

– Is there a contradiction? His eyes sparkled - and suddenly humble?

- Of course not. The Word of God says: “Be angry and do not sin.” The Lord cannot sin - He is the only Sinless One. We are the ones of little faith and pride; if we get angry, it is with irritation and even malice. That’s why we get offended because we think that they are angry with us too. A proud person is already internally ready to be offended, because pride is a distortion of human nature. It deprives us of dignity and those grace-filled powers that the Lord generously bestows on everyone. A proud person himself refuses them. It is impossible to offend a humble person.

– And yet, what is resentment?

– Firstly, this is, of course, acute pain. It really hurts when you are offended. Due to our inability to repel physical, verbal and spiritual aggression, we constantly miss the blow. If any of us are forced to play chess with a grandmaster, then it is clear that we will lose. And not only because we don’t know how to play, but also because the grandmaster plays very well. So, the evil one (as Satan is called) plays perfectly. He knows how to walk in order to hook a person at the most painful points. The offended person may think about the offender: “Well, how could he? How did he know it would hurt me? Why did you do that?” And the man, maybe, didn’t even know anything, the evil one just directed him. That's who knows how to hurt us. The Apostle Paul says: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places.” The evil one moves us, and we obey him, even if unconsciously, out of our pride.

A proud person does not know how to distinguish between good and evil, but a humble person does. For example, out of my pride I can say something that hurts a person very painfully. Not because I want to hurt him, but because the evil one puts such words into my proud soul at a time when the one with whom I communicate is most defenseless. And I really hit a very painful point for him. But still, this pain is because a person does not know how to humble himself. A humble person will say to himself firmly and calmly: “I received this for my sins. Lord have mercy!" And the proud one will begin to be indignant: “Well, how is this possible?! How can you treat me like this?”

When the Savior was brought to the high priests, and the servant hit Him on the cheek, with what dignity He answered him. Was He offended or upset? No, He showed truly royal majesty and absolute self-control. Well, again, can one imagine that Christ was offended by Pilate or the high priests?.. It’s funny. Although He was tormented, mocked, slandered... He could not be offended at all, he could not.

- But He is God and man, father.

- So, the Lord calls us to perfection: “Learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart.” He says: “If you want no offense to touch you, if you want to be above any offense, then be meek and humble in heart, like Me.”

– What if the offense is not deserved?

- Was He deservedly offended?

- But this is dishonest, if there is some kind of untruth, slander, then you just seethe because you don’t agree with it.

“It seems to me that it could be even more painful if they tell you the truth: “Ah-ah, that’s what you are like!” “But I’m really like that... Those bastards!”

- We hit the mark!

- We hit the nail on the head. And they said it in front of everyone! No, to quietly, to say something delicately, to pat him on the head or sweeten things up. Right in front of everyone!.. It will hurt even more. “Blessed are you when they revile you and persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you unjustly because of Me.” It is good when people are unfairly slandered. When it is undeserved, we are blessed, and when it is deserved, we must repent and ask for forgiveness.

Action plan

Getting rid of grievances involves getting rid of emotions (positive and negative). At first it is important to make the image of the offender neutral, and later he himself will retreat into the unconscious.

The goal of working on oneself is the development of sanogenic (health-improving) thinking. Your task is to seize control of thinking and behavior, that is, life, from resentment. To do this, it is important not only to forgive grievances, but also to understand the principle of their formation.

Fundamentals of sanogenic thinking

First of all, you need to understand that we are offended in cases where the behavior we attribute to a person (expectation) does not coincide with the real facts (reality).
You are in captivity of the past, which harms you and your loved ones in the present. If you constantly reproduce grievances in your memory and relive them over and over again (and that’s what you do), then time will never heal.
Keep expectations to a minimum. Don't attribute behavior stereotypes to people.
It is clear that it is impossible to live completely without ideas. In this case, it is important to set realistic expectations.
Reflection will help ease emotions. In a relaxed state, you need to remember the grievances and imagine yourself in this situation, but detached. As if you were an outside observer. Read more about this in the article “Sanogenic and pathogenic thinking - what is it in psychology. Teaching the Orlov Concept.”
Concentrating on your expectations rather than on your opponent’s actions will help ease the resentment.
Now try to find the reason for your opponent's alternative behavior.
After this, try to accept your opponent for who he is and recognize his right to freedom (alternative behavior).
In a calm state, replay the situation again, it is important to remain detached.

It's all about waiting

Your expectations about the other person's behavior require special attention. Play out not only the situation itself, but also pay attention to your thoughts. After this you need to answer a number of questions:

How should a person behave so that I don’t get offended?
Where do my expectations come from?
How real are they?
Can they be brought closer to reality?
Can the partner meet these expectations?
Does my partner know my expectations?
What's stopping me from talking about it and changing expectations?
Why does the opponent do this?
What motives drive him?
Does he know about my expectations? If yes, then why doesn't he do that?
Does he have other interests, desires, goals?
Do my expectations conflict with his beliefs?
In conclusion, be sure to say: I do not have the right to judge and evaluate another person, otherwise I do not recognize him as a person and am trying to fit him to a certain standard, to deprive him of his freedom. But no one has such a right.

No matter how strange it may sound, if you want to let go of an offense, then you need to find an excuse for the offender, and not blame. If nothing comes to mind, then you can simply say: “I’m sure he had good reasons for this. I forgive him."

In conclusion, it is worth saying forgiveness to yourself. And when forgiving the offender, it is important to find something to thank him for. In the end, you can always be grateful for the experience.

Set yourself up for forgiveness

To do this, you need to sit down, close your eyes and relax. Try to create a state of resentment. Imagine that you are removing a thorn from your soul. Then imagine the light filling you. You should physically feel that the resentment is leaving your soul. At the same time, some people experience a feeling of heat or chills, while others get goosebumps on their body. This process is quite painful, but the game is worth the candle. As a result of spiritual cleansing, a feeling of relief and joy comes. Hurry to part with grievances and remove their burden from your soul. Then there will be more room for positive emotions in your life.

As a child, Olga's older brother pushed her off a bridge into a river so she could learn to swim. A muscle contraction that occurred in the body during a moment of severe fright triggered asthma. Only after the girl forgave her brother for the unconscious offense, letting go of the situation, did she finally get rid of the disease.

Photos used in this material belong to shutterstock.com

Play some sports

Have you noticed that athletes quickly forget insults? Why is this happening? Because they don't hold a grudge against people. If one of the opponents was able to get around, he will not be offended, but will work on himself to become better. If one of the judges dishonestly gives victory to a weaker opponent, then there is no point in being offended either, because justice will certainly prevail at the next competition. Every person should bring a similar principle into his life. And this will be easy to do if you join the sport. In addition to a good life philosophy, training will help your negative energy find the right outlet and improve your health. You will not accumulate grievances, but will begin to throw them away along with sweat, and you will leave the hall calm and peaceful. And, in addition, sports will make you physically stronger, more resilient and help improve willpower. The main thing is to study regularly and not give up even in cases when it becomes difficult. Believe me, you can always find time to go to a sports hall or gym. If you don't have a free hour, try to sleep less. Remember, healthy sleep is 7–8 hours.

You also need to remember about healthy eating. Junk food kills and does not give new energy and strength. Get rid of bad habits. It is impossible to drown grief with alcohol, because problems will not disappear, they will remain. And with new forces, like a huge snow avalanche, they will fall on you. It seems that everything in life comes down to little things. It would seem that I’m in a bad mood, I’ll be sad, I’ll cry, but sometimes it turns into depression, and then look, I’m not far from a nervous breakdown. Learn self-control, if you can’t do it on your own, seek help from a psychologist, you shouldn’t be ashamed of this. Smile more, find pleasant things in positive thoughts, love your loved ones, rejoice with them, surround them with affection and care, give attention and gifts, make surprises, and then there will be no room in your soul for resentment.

Forgive without judging

Can everything be forgiven? Most people believe that there are things that cannot be forgiven: murder, violence. However, in this case, you should remember the commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged. We are always subjective. No one knows exactly where the line of justice is. We are inside the situation and cannot find the strength to rise above it. Especially at a time of offense. When we argue whether we can forgive or not, we are already violating a wise commandment. In such cases, you can remind yourself of the saying of St. John of Kronstadt: “Love the sinner and hate the sin,” - sometimes it is paraphrased as follows: “Hate the sin, but not the sinner.”

What are the heaviest grievances?

It’s unlikely that anyone will argue with the fact that the hardest thing to let go of is those closest to you – for example, your parents.

It all starts from childhood . Many people remember this very important period in the life of every person as one when he was not given something or, on the contrary, was given something that he did not need. What do people most often complain and get offended about when they are already adults? Here are some examples:

little attention or overprotection from parents;
beliefs that you were loved less than other children in your family;
a lot of reproaches and criticism, comparison with other children;
lack of support from parents who did not believe in your abilities, etc.

In general, as many people and families, there are as many reasons for grievances. And often the reason is that children have a lot of expectations from their parents. It seems to them that adults should always act wisely, because that’s why they are adults . And when expectations are not met, faith in the “ideality” of immediate family members collapses. And, unfortunately, we often carry these grievances throughout our lives.

In the future, resentment towards mother, father, grandparents, aunts or uncles is projected onto relationships with other people in adulthood. We transfer everything that we have not received onto our spouses and, of course, they also sometimes give reason to be offended by them. This most often contributes to the destruction of harmonious relationships.

Of course, those closest to you can really hurt . Treason, betrayal, unwillingness to cooperate in resolving conflicts, indifference and other unpleasant actions are reasons to be offended. But think about it, do you need it? In some situations, it is better to minimize communication with such a person or even let him go (if this is a beloved man or woman), but before that it is better to forgive all grievances. It is not someone else who needs this, but you.

Working through a grudge, or how to write a letter of anger correctly

There are a lot of ways to get rid of resentment, let’s look at one of them.

To get rid of resentment, you should try the “Writing” technique. This technique will help to throw out existing emotions that arise during memories - and replace them with neutral, or even positive ones.

Write a letter to the offender. Initially, let this letter contain a statement of the situation that you wrote down earlier, remembering it.

And then - express all your anger, disappointment, pain in a letter. Write down all the words that were not said that you want to say.

After writing, do not re-read it, tear the letter and throw it away, or burn it. In any case, make sure that you no longer have the opportunity to return to what you wrote.

After performing this technique, it immediately becomes easier. The person who wrote the letter ends this story in his own way - the way he would like. He splashes out his anger on the offender - and the offense ceases to have the power and weight that it had before.

But it also happens that a letter does not bring the relief that the writer expected. Then it’s worth trying other techniques for working with resentment, which will be written about later.

For now, that's all. Take care of yourself from insults; they should not clog your psyche, taking up the place where joy and tranquility could settle.

Psychology of resentment

If you take the offense apart, it becomes clear that it consists of dissatisfaction with the offender and self-pity. Having not received what he expected, a person becomes more or less indignant. He weighs how unfairly he was treated, and then revels in this state.

It’s not for nothing that they say: in order not to be disappointed, you shouldn’t be enchanted. You should not place excessive hopes and expectations on others; everyone is free to choose. An offended person looks especially strange when expectations were formed a priori, without even voicing, by definition: I need it, I am owed.

Offense Test

Answer the questions by checking one of three options:

Is it easy for you to ruin your mood?

Yes

Sometimes

How long do you remember the times when you were offended?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you worry about small troubles? (late for the bus, broken shoes, etc.).

Yes

Sometimes

Do you ever have such conditions when you don’t want to communicate with anyone or see anyone for a long time?

Yes

Sometimes

Do extraneous noises and conversations distract you when you are busy eating?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you often spend a long time analyzing the situation that happened and thinking through the events?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you often have nightmares?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you compare yourself to other people in ways that are not in your favor?

Yes

Sometimes

Are your moods variable?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you yell during arguments?

Yes

Sometimes

Do misunderstandings from other people irritate you?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you often succumb to the influence of a momentary impulse or emotion?

Yes

Sometimes

Most answers YES

You are vindictive and touchy, and react very painfully to how others treat you. Your mood changes every minute, which often causes inconvenience to you and other people.

Try to relax - and stop being offended by the clouds because they are not swimming at the speed that you would like. The world was not created to please or annoy you.

Most answers NO

You are a completely non-offensive person. Occurring disagreements are not able to bring you out of calm, complacency and a state of mental balance.

Perhaps some will consider you indifferent and unemotional. Ignore this and appreciate your ability to control your emotions.

But don’t forget that sometimes it makes sense to show your feelings to a person, to demonstrate what exactly is unpleasant to you.

Most answers SOMETIMES

You cannot be called touchy, but you are familiar with this feeling.

Only serious life circumstances can cause frustration and resentment in you, and you simply don’t pay attention to minor situations. You know how to sincerely express your emotions - and at the same time you do not try to hold anyone responsible for them.

Continue to maintain this golden mean, without leaning towards any of the extremes.

Deep and guaranteed elaboration of grievances

I sincerely hope that the technique I have proposed will help you forgive the offense that you have held within yourself for so painfully long. In order to do this guaranteed, and also in order to change yourself and stop being offended, restructure your personality and become happier, you can contact a specialist.

I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. In addition to the fact that I can help you forgive your biggest offense that brought you to this article, I will also help you understand specifically your reasons why you have learned and become accustomed to feeling offended. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to figure out how you can learn to react differently, express all those emotions that you are currently holding within yourself, and feel happier and more confident. I will help you forgive once and for all and breathe deeply, letting go of the heavy burden of the past.

Sign up for a consultation via Skype

You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram or the form on the website. You can find out about the cost of services and the scheme of work here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.

How to forgive your loved one and let go?

How many tears are shed when love leaves! It’s very difficult after something like this to forget the betrayal of your significant other and start life anew. It is especially difficult for women in such situations.

• give him all his things, remove all photographs together so that nothing reminds you of him;

• take two weeks off and fly to warm countries to relax;

• try not to isolate yourself, go to the movies, cafes, clubs, somewhere where there are a lot of people, where life is in full swing;

• call your best friend for help, talk to her, cry, you will immediately feel better;

• write on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your ex-lover, remembering all the bad things that are associated with him, tear the piece of paper and mentally say goodbye to this “scoundrel”.

How to work through a grudge: effective psychological techniques

Forgiveness will help you let go of resentment. Some techniques will help you achieve it. An important condition is to try to tune in to working on yourself as much as possible, fully engage in the process and try not to be distracted by external stimuli.

Exercise No. 1. "Revenge"

Try to take revenge on the offender (naturally, in your imagination). To do this, take a comfortable body position, close your eyes and clearly imagine in front of you the person who offended you. Now draw in detail the picture of his punishment, namely what the offender must do for you to forgive him. At the end of the exercise, you should feel satisfied that you have forgiven your opponent.

Exercise No. 2. "Making a list of grievances"

Prepare a piece of paper, a pen and refresh your memory. Now you can start the exercise. Sit down, write in the middle at the top of the sheet the name of your offender, under which begin to write down all the unpleasant emotions that he provoked with his offensive actions or words. You may be surprised when you can remember even seemingly forgotten grievances. As you can see, they didn’t go anywhere, but simply hid, continuing to annoy you. These are the most dangerous grievances that gradually destroy you from the inside, and you continued to hide them even deeper.

Exercise No. 3. "Three Letters"

You will need to write three letters. The first should be devoted to how exactly a particular person offended you. Describe in words all your indignation. The second letter should be written the next day and state in it everything that was not indicated in the previous one. If you express your feelings correctly, you may even have a feeling of understanding the offender. The third letter is written, accordingly, on the third day. It should contain words of forgiveness and gratitude for the fact that you were taught a valuable life lesson. After all this, all three letters are burned. You should feel relieved.

Exercise No. 4. "Forgiveness"

Take the most comfortable position for yourself and loudly, turning to the offender, say that he is kind, good and you forgive him for... (indicate what exactly). After this, do not forget to tell yourself: “I forgive myself for...”.

Since it is almost impossible to forgive an offense at once, do this exercise every day for 5-15 minutes. If you have a grudge against your loved one, parents or someone else who is ready to change the situation in the relationship in a positive way, then it is advisable to carry out this exercise with him.

Exercise No. 5. "Sliding Over the Resentment"

This exercise is aimed primarily at preventing offense. When another person begins to do something that might cause you offense, do not involve yourself in the traumatic situation. How to do it? You can imagine him on the TV screen and mentally turn off the sound. You can also imagine the offender in a ridiculous situation that would make you laugh. And another option is to build a wall between you, through which the opponent’s words will not penetrate to you.

Forgiveness is what helps to deal with resentment once and for all. Some people believe that the ability to forgive is weakness. Nothing like this! To forgive means to show your strength and rise above the offense and the offender. This way you demonstrate (primarily to yourself) that such troubles do not affect you at all and you are happy. Believe me, when you let go of accumulated grievances and stop letting them into your heart, you will become joyful and healthier.

We already said above that many psychologists see resentment as an opportunity for personal growth. Let's look at the situation of resentment from the point of view of coaching, as an effective tool for personal development.

One of the principles of coaching is the principle of Awareness and Responsibility . By making a conscious choice, we take 100% responsibility for the consequences of this choice.
We create everything in our lives ourselves 100%. And if we created something, we can change it. This principle applies to our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Resentment is our defensive reaction to the actions and words of people around us. we cannot control our reaction to these words and actions of people. But we can control our thoughts, feelings, emotions . And it is only our choice what emotion we should be in. We decide for ourselves whether to be offended or not. To be in emotions that destroy us and cause various diseases, or to be at least in a neutral state or to experience joy and happiness.
Understanding the Law of 100% responsibility allows us to realize our power over our emotions , and makes us a confident and self-sufficient person.

The first thing to do is Stop. Take a deep breath and mentally tell yourself STOP. And ask yourself a few questions to bring back your awareness . What's happening to me now? What am I thinking about now? What I feel? Is this what I want to feel? And if this differs from the feelings that you want to experience, then say mentally or out loud :

— I am 100% responsible for my feelings, emotions and thoughts. I, and only I, once decided to react to such situations in a similar way (we list the emotions we are currently in), but I am the master of my emotions, and I can choose: to hold on to these emotions or let them go.

We take a deep breath and exhale deeply. If necessary, repeat these questions until you at least enter a state of neutrality.

So we have listed the main causes of resentment and examined methods of getting rid of and letting go of resentment.

What does it mean when we forgive?

Most people naively believe that to forgive and give in means showing some kind of weakness and complete lack of will. But, in essence, this is a manifestation of great power.

You may be becoming somewhat vulnerable.

When you forgive, you gain enormous strength and completely cease to be dependent on various strong feelings that destroy you from within.

If a person continues to be angry with another for a long time, no matter how much pain he causes, then he continues to be no more and no less - in a state of victim.

When a person sincerely forgives another, he is completely freed

. And by letting go of his past for good, he can completely destroy the dam built from various claims, reproaches, anger, irritation and various grievances.

Washing away all my painful feelings

, energy will begin to pour out of your heart and it is at this time that transformation will occur to you, you will begin to embark on the right, completely new path of spiritual progress for you.

Resentment and our internal problems

Sometimes a person gets offended by such trifles that it would never even occur to another to be offended. Resentment is a reaction to our internal problems. After all, everyone has their own painful points.

Often resentment is a desire for a higher assessment of you, your actions, and achievements. The more internal problems a person has (rejection of himself in something), the easier it is to offend him.

We are not offended, we offend ourselves by reacting in this way. We simply unconsciously agree with some conditionally bad action (or judgment) addressed to us.

It is very difficult to admit to ourselves that we have qualities that we do not accept in ourselves. And that is why it hurts us so much when this is pointed out to us.

Beginning of work

First, you should recall in detail all those moments that cause you a feeling of resentment.

No matter how painful and unpleasant it may be, you must try to completely restore and write down on paper the situation that happened to you and the offender. This will be a mental block of information that you will have to work with in the future.

At first it will be difficult to remember everything. The fact is that our brain, in order to protect the psyche, often “erases” part of the information. And, if such difficulties arise, then it’s worth starting to write down just the thoughts that came to mind when thinking about what happened. Then the brain will gradually reconstruct the event itself - and you will be able to write everything down.

At the same time, there is no need to try to write down thoughts correctly, logically and beautifully. Just write what comes to mind and comes to mind. As you record, emotions will appear - they are the key that will help you get rid of bad memories.

What kind of offense can there be?

Resentment is one of the most emotional states that only brings harm to the offended person. However, in some cases, the “offender” himself gets nothing good from his opponent’s insult, and he himself loses in many ways. Why did we put this word in quotes? But the whole point is that the offender is not always the offender. However, first things first. To understand what we are talking about, you should understand what kind of offense there is:

Resentment-manipulation . Resentment in psychology is often seen as a method of manipulation . Quite primitively, but effectively, children use this method of getting what they want. Tears, sobs, a depressed mood - this is how a child may try to “spin” his parents for a new toy, more pocket money or personal time for entertainment. Unfortunately, many adults take the same approach. The reasons for manipulative behavior can vary. Someone wants to win a leading position in a relationship and points to the opponent’s “place,” which could be a love partner, colleague, parent, friend, etc. For some, resentment-manipulation is a way to get some kind of benefit. Often the so-called “offended” person himself provokes a situation that will allow him to be offended with a clear conscience.
Formal grievance . In a society, there may be certain traditions and cultures in which concepts are formed regarding what is worth being offended by. From childhood, people are taught what is offensive and what is not (stereotypes). If you add egocentricity to this, you get a very touchy person. Offending a person in such cases is not difficult, even if nothing offensive was said or done.
Resentment as a natural reaction . This is a completely natural reaction when some words or actions hurt the feelings of another person, his abilities and “I”. For example, it is difficult to imagine that there could be any other reaction to betrayal, deception or ingratitude. But, even in such cases, resentment carries nothing but malice, anger, and undesirable psychosomatic consequences (health problems).

Resentment is usually a subjective feeling. For example, what may be offensive to one person is a trifle to another that is not even worth attention. This proves that we are all different: with our own character, upbringing, level of emotional sensitivity, characteristics of the nervous system and attitudes. It's not always the case that when someone offends you, they do it on purpose. It is quite possible that some words or actions hurt you because this is your “pain point” that others are not aware of . Or, perhaps, the offender does not have a sufficient level of tact, tolerance and life experience to understand that he is saying or doing something wrong.

Psychosomatics of resentment - when not only the soul hurts

You wonder why I should even forgive someone who hurt me? Isn't that what he wanted? Offend a person and not be punished for it? I'll follow his lead! Quite the opposite - if you allow destructive feelings to take over you, you will be defeated both mentally and physically.

The offended person is a vulnerable person who dooms himself to very real psychosomatic illnesses.

Psychosomatics is a direction in psychology that studies the influence of psychological factors on the occurrence of physical (somatic) diseases. A psychosomatic illness is an illness resulting from mental conditions.

Sinelnikov’s table will help you understand how resentment affects physical ailments:

Headache. Unexpressed grievances, constant concealment of true emotions, communication with people who exert moral pressure cause nervous strain and, as a result, headaches.
Chronic runny nose. An illness of people who are forced to constantly overcome themselves and hold back tears of resentment.
Severe coughing, like an unconscious, bodily attempt to attract attention to oneself. Reacting to unspoken opinions that are contrary to others.
Angina. A sore throat, as if after a loud cry, is the body’s reaction to a person’s inability to express his needs due to stiffness or constriction.
Nausea and vomiting. Rejection of the existing picture of the world, frightening or depressing circumstances.
Scabies/rash. Often occurs in people who lose control of too strong negative emotions of resentment, rage and anger.
Kidney disease indicates a person who sees everything as his fault. Perhaps he was constantly criticized, and he was used to seeing himself as the source of all troubles and problems.
Cystitis is a disease of women who do not express their dissatisfaction with their sexual partner.
Gallbladder diseases are frequent companions of people who do not know how to forgive. By cultivating anger in yourself and thinking through plans for revenge, you can provoke stagnation of bile in the body.
Inflammatory diseases of the genital organs are a sure sign that a person is not confident in his own attractiveness in the eyes of a sexual partner.
Constipation – occurs due to psychological constraint and uncertainty about one’s own future. A person suffering from regular constipation holds on to what he no longer needs, afraid of not getting used to the unknown future. This disease is characteristic of conservatives.
Diarrhea. A strong feeling of fear and self-doubt before an imminently approaching important event causes the intestines to get rid of contents at an accelerated pace. This is a protective reflex due to nature. Since ancient times, a person felt safe in two cases - when he relieved himself and when he had a meal.
Hemorrhoids and anal fissures often cause a lot of inconvenience to people who have not been able to resolve the conflict between “fathers and sons.” They are constrained by children's unforgiven grievances and misunderstandings on the part of their parents.
A cold on the lips is an unrealized desire to insult and verbally humiliate an opponent.

This is not a complete list of diseases of psychosomatic origin - there are countless of them. Understand that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness and spinelessness. This is getting rid of destructive relationships, moral burden and many physical problems.

Resentment towards mother and father - how to prevent childhood traumas from ruining your life?

Childhood grievances are the most bitter and difficult. It is doubly difficult when the source of complexes and self-doubt are the actions of mom or dad.

The offended little child from the past, deprived of parental love and mutual understanding, will forever remain a part of you if you do not understand how to work through the resentment.

Our tips will help you with this:

Try to understand them. Think calmly without judgment. Why did they treat you this way? Perhaps they were too young and inexperienced. Perhaps they did not have enough money to provide you with everything you needed due to the difficult situation in the country. Or did they not have time due to tireless work to provide for their family? Perhaps they themselves had an unhappy childhood and simply had no direction in life? Try to assess the situation from the outside, as if you were an outside adult observer.
If you can say it, don’t be silent. Have an honest conversation with your parents. Tell us about what has been eating you since childhood. It is possible that over the years, having become more reasonable and calmer, they themselves will admit their guilt and ask you for forgiveness. Or those sides of the story will be revealed to you that you did not know or could not understand because of your age. Give them a chance to explain everything!
Allow them not to change their minds. In addition to words of forgiveness, you may hear new accusations in the spirit of “we did everything we could for you, but you grew up so ungrateful!” Well, let them think so. People of older generations are mostly very conservative, and it is almost impossible to change their opinions. Accept that they will not change and forgive, even if they did not apologize to you.
Learn to speak the same language with them. It happens that a critical and hysterical mother, from whose lips unflattering comments and insults fly about your appearance, work and lifestyle, actually loves you for and wants the best. She is trying to bring your life into a framework that she understands. You shouldn't be offended by this. Listen to her point of view and try to convey yours without violating personal boundaries.
Allow yourself to be offended. Childhood grievances cause cognitive resonance - they are very painful and at the same time perceived as something that should not matter. Allow yourself to be offended and feel sorry for your younger self. Imagine a dialogue with yourself from the past. Ask this kid to be strong and persistent despite all the upcoming adversities and tell him about what dreams you managed to make come true and how many interesting events he will experience.
Don't let the feeling of childhood resentment take over you. Remember your right to choose - you can learn from the past and try to move on, or you can bear a huge burden of psychological pressures, complexes and uncertainty. Realize yourself today and understand that you are a very strong and mature person for being able to overcome all this. Now an adult who manages his own life.

Childhood traumas interfere with life in the future

What to do when you are very touchy and vulnerable? TOP 5 ways to cope with resentment

Awareness of the problem is the first step towards healing . This is a sure sign of your willingness to work on yourself. If you understand that you quarrel with people even in situations where they did not intend to offend you, then it is time to change.

The following tips will help you cope with such difficult feelings as resentment.

Keep a journal to record your emotions. Write down how your mood changes throughout the day and note what influences the changes. When someone or something offends you, record this fact on the same day, describing in detail why exactly you were annoyed. Over time, you will be able to identify the main sources of irritation and separate fictitious grievances from real ones.
Realize that this affects your health. Scientists from Stanford University in the USA conducted a social study and found that people who healed old traumas and grievances (either on their own or with the help of a psychotherapist) also got rid of migraines, back pain and insomnia.
Plan your day ahead. If you are constantly busy with your favorite job, hobby and communicating with pleasant people, then there is simply no time left for grudges. Remove all “windows” from your schedule during which you can remember old grievances and become sad. But this does not mean that you do not need to rest. If you want to watch an interesting series over a cup of coffee in the evening, fit it into your schedule.
In a healthy body healthy mind. Get physically active! It has been proven that sport is an excellent stress reliever and releases accumulated negative energy. This could be yoga, fitness or a morning run. Try it and you will see - being in a cheerful mood, you will not experience such strong emotional stress.
Review your social circle. List on one sheet of paper all those people with whom you enjoy and feel comfortable communicating, who listen to you and support you. On the other, those who cause irritation, embarrassment and are constantly trying to hurt you. Reduce communication with people from the second list to an acceptable minimum. If you think that this leaves you with too few social contacts, then think about where you can find friends with similar interests.

How to live on

It is clear that with a click, depressing thoughts will not leave your head. They will torment for a year, perhaps more. It’s difficult to live with this; many women remain suspicious and mistrustful. If depression sets in, you should consult a psychologist.

If there is no psychologist nearby, then try to give your spouse what he was missing. Did he admit this to you in a frank conversation? If not yet, then find out what he lacks in the relationship. Don't forget to tell us about your desires. Start satisfying each other's wishes, then the relationship will become much happier.

Most often, a man lacks variety. You will have to work on yourself to give a man the energy to love you and be faithful. This is how their natural essence works.

From personal experience.

A friend of mine cried for a long time, suffered from her husband’s betrayal, and even got herself a bunch of sores. Then she cheated on her husband once. Where did her grief go, she lives happily. Now she is afraid that her husband will find out, and this fuels her passion for her husband.

The main thing is not to tell your spouse about your momentary weakness, because men are great owners. They don't forgive!

How to let go of the painful past and start living in the present?

Getting rid of old psychological traumas is often very difficult. They hang like a burden on the soul, forcing you to replay the traumatic experience in your head over and over again.

The first 5 small steps will help you let go of the past and start moving on:

Be aware of yourself here and now. Don't make plans for the past. Don't try to rewrite old history - it's impossible. Take stock of what happened to you and start a new page in your life.
Understand that everyone has the right to make mistakes. If you understand that you have greatly offended someone and this feeling of guilt has been eating away at you from the inside for a long time, ask for forgiveness and admit your guilt, even if a lot of time has passed since the offense occurred. Find a way to reach the person and talk. If all contacts are lost, then switch to caring for others - give your warmth and love to those who need it. If they offended you, then understand that today’s suffering will not change the situation in the past.
Stop being sorry. You can endlessly blame yourself for wasting your time on the wrong person, working in the wrong place, or communicating with the wrong company. Resentment against yourself for the mistakes of your youth is an extremely destructive feeling that does not allow you to look at the situation sensibly. Accept what happened as an experience, thanks to which you will protect yourself from wrongdoing in the future.
Let your feelings out. If the pain from resentment is still fresh and strong, do not let negative emotions burn you from the inside - let them come out. Scream, cry, punch a pillow, or go for a run. Choose any method that gives you a feeling of relief and cleansing.
Learn to enjoy yourself. Instead of regretting the difficult past, make sure that your present is comfortable, and that your future evokes a feeling of anxious anticipation, not anxiety. If you've been wanting to try something for a long time, but haven't dared, now is the time. Change your hairstyle, find your own style of clothing, sign up for language courses or devote yourself to extreme sports. Changing the decor in the house, replacing tired furniture and decluttering the closet helps a lot. When the present is full of bright events and new impressions, there is no time to worry about the past. Useful article on this topic.

What is resentment?

Questions about offense have been appearing on the site for a long time in the comments. To answer this question, it is worth mentioning that our brain consists of 3 parts:

Reptilian (ancient brain) - responsible for instincts and the unconscious, controls all internal life support systems. “Turns on” in stressful and dangerous situations, promoting survival.
Limbic (midbrain) – recognizes feelings, identifies emotions in other people. Responsible for attachments and desires in the present time. This is a kind of “inner child” of a person who reacts when what is desired (or expected) does not coincide with reality.
Neocortex (new brain) - it is this area that is responsible for thought processes, structuring and speech recognition, logic, analysis, explanation.

So, we have learned that the limbic system of the brain is also responsible for emotions and feelings of resentment. And since this emotion arises against the background of a discrepancy between the desired and the actual, we can derive three key concepts on which it is based :

Perception of oneself as a separate, formed personality.
Understanding how people around you should behave normally.
Awareness of the negative consequences of violating behavioral norms by others.

Resentment is a negative emotion, a signal that “something wrong is happening,” “the relationship is under threat,” “something needs to change.”

Resentment undermines mental and physical health. The feeling of resentment is familiar to everyone - it gnaws from the inside, changes the picture of the world and does not allow one to perceive reality sensibly.

If you are offended, you need to understand the current situation and react correctly.

Do not forget that the limbic brain is responsible for resentment, aka the “inner child” which, like a child, is often inclined to exaggerate and see danger where there is none. It puts all the body's resources into emergency response mode, speeding up the pulse and forcing you to breathe more often, thereby depleting and exhausting the nervous system.

First of all, it is worth understanding that it is normal to be offended. It is important to promptly find the original source of the offense and eliminate it.