Psychological climate in the family: a simple test from a psychologist

For many, the psychological climate in the family is the basis of internal harmony and happiness. In favorable conditions, a person feels calm, well-being, and feels a desire for development and meaningful relationships with other people. What influences the psychological climate in the family, how can we make both children and adults feel comfortable?

In this article:

The concept of psychological climateWhat influences the psychological climateHow to create a favorable psychological climate

The main signs of a normal psychological climate in the family

The main condition for psychological stability in the family is considered to be compliance with the basic rule, which is often forgotten over the years of family life. After all, the union of two partners should in fact become the basis for creating an atmosphere of a kind of idyll in which each family member will find relaxation and support.

That is why, when speaking about favorable family relationships, we first of all mean:

mutual respect between all family members;
respectful attitude towards elders - grandparents;
INTERESTING! According to some studies, the secret of the longevity of Caucasian elders lies in a respectful attitude. After all, over the years, they do not become unnecessary and unauthoritative for their loved ones, as is customary in many families here, but on the contrary, their opinion is considered the most important, they are listened to and they constantly feel their need for loved ones.
cohesion and friendly attitude;
feeling of security and willingness to help;
trust and the opportunity to share your problems and thoughts;
emotional satisfaction, etc.

If you see a family that tries to spend a lot of time together, has its own traditions, listens to the opinions of each member and can openly discuss all problems - rest assured that this is a vivid example of a favorable psycho-emotional climate.

Open up to each other

Openness, trust and absolute transparency in the relationship between two people are an unshakable foundation necessary for the strength of the entire structure called “family”. Being completely frank and trusting is not typical for all of us. Now it’s nice to talk about the need for personal space for comfortable communication and building relationships. But this does not at all contradict openness - it just allows you to feel each other’s emotional boundaries and gives rise to spiritual intimacy.

Getting to this point is not as difficult as it might seem. To begin with, start a tradition of sharing your impressions of the day at dinner, like the game “White and Black”: let each of you tell what was bad and good today. Next, try to start commenting on some situations that happened with your partner and listen to his words. Don't forget to thank each other for the confidential conversation, ability to listen and valuable advice. Be sincere, don’t skimp on smiles and hugs - all this will bring you incredibly closer.

Advantages of a favorable climate

Being in such a family brings joy, calm, anxiety relief and necessary relaxation. People strive to quickly return to their family circle after work, knowing that they will understand, support, listen to them, give the right advice, and simply be able to cheer them up or give them the opportunity to relax quietly.

In turn, staying in a family with a favorable psychological climate can solve the following personal problems:

reduce the intensity of emotions from a conflict situation at work, among friends, etc.;
relieve stress and reduce panic;
increase your self-esteem;
return harmony to the perception of life;
realize your abilities, etc.

Of course, there are no ideal families, just as there is no completely cloudless idealistic picture of family life. But, if all family members work hard on themselves and their relationships, strive to listen and hear the other, express mutual respect and trust, make compromises, take into account the desires and requirements of the partner, then such a family will be able to create an atmosphere in the house where there will be emotional and psychologically comfortable for each of its members. And this is the main goal for loving people.

Personal space

The desire to create a family as a single, powerful organism, capable of withstanding any problems and generating happiness within itself is an obvious goal. Surprisingly, this is not enough to create a comfortable atmosphere for everyone within the family. What about everyone's personal space? Personal aspirations and desires? Views and beliefs? In a strong and friendly family, everyone is allowed to do what they love, to realize their abilities, and not to make up for lost opportunities of their parents. It’s great when the older generation knows how to instill deep and correct values, while leaving room in the souls of children to form their own experience and their views.

What indicates an unfavorable climate in family ties?

If your friends are putting off returning home in every possible way because emotional discomfort awaits them there, then with full probability it is possible to diagnose such a family as having an unfavorable psychological climate.

At the same time, such unfavorable families can be divided into two categories:

problematic , the reason for the lack of harmony in which was objective difficult life situations - loss of a job, lack of housing, serious illness of a relative, etc. In this case, a consultation with a psychologist will help overcome difficulties, who will suggest a constructive solution to the conflict and help maintain overall positive motivation in family relationships;
conflict , where family members constantly fight for supremacy in all matters, clashing and disagreeing on the main principles and outlook on life, stubbornly defending their position, not paying attention to other family members and the impact of such communication on the upbringing of children. Most often, such families fall apart, unable to withstand the accumulating negativity in a family that was originally created for happiness and a sense of security.

Don't forget to thank

In a family, emotional generosity is only encouraged if it is well-intentioned. We are used to criticizing each other if we don’t like something, but when we are pleased, we take it for granted. We need to be able to be grateful for all the good things that a loved one does for us. This is an incredible relationship booster. Give your partner praise, gratitude, a declaration of love and you will see that he is ready for you even more than you expected. Gratitude is the best fertilizer for relationships.

Risks of living in an unfavorable atmosphere

If you are not interested in the opinion of your partner, do not trust the rest of the family members, and the time spent with them brings you burden and dissatisfaction, then you should think about how to change the pattern of relationships in the family.

With prolonged exposure to such a tense, negative microclimate, the likelihood of the following dangerous consequences increases:

constant conflicts provoke the development of a pathological state of chronic stress;
negative emotions contribute to a decrease in immunity and make the body more open to various viruses and infections;
children who are raised in such families often suffer from psychological illnesses and almost always have inferiority complexes, are embittered towards others, do not know how to empathize and adequately respond to all the challenges of the world around them;
Discord affects not only the relationship between husband and wife, but also leads to misunderstanding between parents and children. This, in turn, causes tension in the home and forces children to seek understanding on the street, often ending up in bad company.

Such a family climate is actually very dangerous for all its members, killing adult individuals and negatively influencing the upbringing of the younger generation. This problem can be solved with the help of professional psychologists, but only under one condition - the mutual desire of the partners to change and fight for harmony and preservation of the family.

A little about longevity

While cosmetologists and dermatologists are trying to find a miracle cure that can prolong youth, Caucasian psychologists have already discovered it and are successfully using it.

The secret to the longevity of mountain dwellers is quite simple. They honor traditions, and one of them is respect for parents. This is especially true for older people. An environment is created around them so that they feel important.

Here it can no longer be said that the psychological climate in the family does not affect physical health.

How to return a favorable climate to your union

First of all, you need to establish such a level of communication in the house so that everyone enjoys it. To do this, it is worth remembering these effective rules:

smile more often, calming yourself internally and giving confidence to others;
be attentive to each family member, giving him a feeling of importance and irreplaceability;
not just be able to listen, but also delve into the problems of the interlocutor, trying to look at them through his eyes and sharing an objective assessment of the view from the outside;
do not be categorical and cruel in your statements - even “no” can be said without offending a person if you use tact, respect and a little diplomacy;
avoid conflict situations and be able to find compromise solutions that will take into account the opinions of all family members;
support and approve the actions and deeds of others, charge your loved ones with healthy optimism;
give compliments, remembering that both men and women, even suspecting overt flattery, will quickly hear your request or rush to help in difficult times.

Only with such an attitude of each family member towards their closest people does it serve as a guarantee of a favorable psychological and emotional atmosphere in the family. In such a house there will always be the joy of meeting and sincere expression of feelings. Here they are in a hurry to share their successes and are not afraid to talk about mistakes. In such a family, everyone is comfortable and cozy, hence the successful development of each member as an individual - regardless of whether he is an adult or a child.

Tantrums at age 4

Often at the age of 4-5 years, the cause of hysteria is the child’s inability to endure the situation, cope with anger, despair or resentment. In a hysterical state, the child does not perceive external information, he needs to “let off steam”, get emotional release, then the grief phase begins, when the child needs affection and care.

Tantrums at the age of four are accompanied by attempts to harm oneself (scratching the face, hands, other parts of the body, trying to bang one's head against a wall or floor). They are always accompanied by fits of rage and often the child needs “spectators.”

Such hysterics must be distinguished from whims caused by educational errors and the connivance of adults, when any whim was satisfied on demand. Hysterical seizures that occur regularly may indicate problems with the psyche or nervous system. Therefore, it is worth seeking advice from a neurologist and child psychologist.

If tantrums are associated with whims and mistakes in parenting, then parents should reconsider their actions and start correcting mistakes.

The role of psychological climate in raising a child

The development of a little person and his formation as a person directly depend on the atmosphere within the family and the relationship between parents. All problems and risk factors will be automatically projected into his adult life and will certainly be repeated by deeper conflicts in his own family. First of all, you need to remember and realize that nothing educates like a personal example. You can spend hours lecturing your child about politeness, but you will not stop being rude to your grandmother or wife - believe me, your child will remember exactly the negative example. Therefore, mature individuals take a responsible approach to the issue of educating the younger generation and begin this process through self-improvement. They are ready to re-learn the truths of life and learn the correct dogmas of relationships in the family, so that the child absorbs them like a sponge and gets a chance in the future to become a successful and self-confident member of society.

What needs to be done to raise a child normally:

praise him for his successes and achievements, increasing his self-esteem, self-confidence and contributing to his future achievements;
set an example of trusting relationships, instilling in the child respect for others and responsibility for the trust shown;
constantly believe in the strength of your child, support him in his plans and endeavors, giving qualified advice and gently suggesting the best options;
try to be there in difficult situations for the child, learning to see the world and relationships through his eyes, giving support and confidence that he can count on your help and attention under any circumstances;
do not focus on the child’s shortcomings, helping him to realize that all people are different and you need to be able to accept them as they are;
be honest and fair even in small things, then these qualities will be in your heir;
surround him with love and goodwill, let him see the positive in the world, starting with his parental family and transferring this model in the future to his own family.

By raising a child this way, you can be sure not only of his happy childhood and comfort with his family. With the acquired knowledge, habits and character traits, he will be able to build the right relationships in any team, will set the right goals and will definitely create a family where harmony and mutual understanding will reign. If a child does not receive additional attention and love in the family from childhood, then you need to seriously worry about his mental, emotional and psychological health. At the same time, it is strictly necessary to avoid such an attitude towards him:

excessive unconstructive criticism, which will sprout hatred towards loved ones, and then towards all the people around them;
reprimands and reproaches at the slightest reason, causing him to constantly feel a sense of guilt and his own imperfection;
set an example of loud scandals and quarrels within the family, which teach aggression and an inadequate reaction to life circumstances;
mocking failures and reproaching them for losses - this will lead to isolation of the child and make him doubt his strengths and capabilities.

IMPORTANT! Particular attention should be paid to the psychological climate in a family where a child with developmental disabilities is growing up. Their reaction to the surrounding negativity is brighter and deeper, and can be dangerous to health and life. On the contrary, warm relationships and sympathetic attention help such children develop better.

The crisis of the first year of life and hysterics associated with it

The first tantrums in a child are usually associated with the one-year crisis. By this point, the child has mastered basic motor skills and his desire to explore the world on his own is great. Parents have to set rules and prohibitions related to the safety of the child, which can lead to outbursts of discontent and hysterics.

Children at this age have not yet developed the perception of time, and that is why they want to get what they want right away. When faced with unmet needs, they experience frustration and anger. The inability to express emotions and their full awareness become the cause of hysterics.

During this period, it may be difficult for parents to cope with the changed behavior of their son or daughter, but they must understand that they do not need to indulge all the wishes of the baby, this is normal. And the child’s reaction to refusal in the form of screams and tears is also normal. Parents' peace of mind is the guarantee that hysterics associated with the crisis of the first year of life will not develop into manipulative behavior in the future.

It is important not to indulge any whim, but to try to explain the reason for the refusal, to explain to the child his feelings. “You’re angry now,” “You’re upset” - by voicing the child’s emotions, the parent teaches him to understand his condition.

The child needs to be helped to understand that by screaming and crying he will not achieve what he wants and he will have to look for other ways to express his feelings.

The role of psychological climate in relations between spouses

To be able to talk about a harmonious family with a favorable internal atmosphere, it is necessary that the partners in it have at least 5 basic qualities :

openness to communication, ability to listen and desire to be helpful;
goodwill, in which each of the couple first of all thinks about his other half and makes decisions based on his wishes and preferences;
attentiveness and mutual respect, which serve as a guarantee of sincerity of feelings;
commitment, manifested in the ability to take on one’s share of responsibilities for the family (the man is the breadwinner, the wife is the coziness and comfort of the home, etc.);
emotional stability.

This last point deserves closer consideration. The worst thing for a couple is when two emotionally unstable personalities meet under one roof. Their life will be a series of conflicts and disputes. An excellent option is a family where both partners are adults, mature and emotionally stable individuals. It’s also good when “plus” and “minus” meet - in this case, one of the family members will always be able to support and reassure their chosen one. At the same time, statistics indicate that women’s emotional stability is most important for strong family relationships. A man may not break family ties, even if he is completely dissatisfied with family relationships. But women's dissatisfaction and disappointment most often end in divorce.

Compliance with the following conditions will help improve the psychological climate of communication between partners:

drawing general goals of family life;
a clear perception of one’s own place in the family with expiring rights and responsibilities;
following family norms, creating family traditions and rules;
mandatory sincere communication with your partner.

How to prevent children's tantrums?

It is clear that no one is immune from children's hysteria. But there are a few tips to help reduce the risk of their occurrence:

The daily routine is suitable for the child, giving him the opportunity to eat and rest when he wants. Habitual routine during the day. There is no need to take a tired or hungry child for a walk or shopping.
Try to avoid excessive prohibitions, allow the child to say “no” and respect his choice.
Talk to your child about his feelings and emotions, teach him to better identify them. “You’re angry because you weren’t given another piece of candy,” “You’re upset that the cartoon is over and we only agreed to watch one.”
Teach your child to safely express anger, tear paper, and stomp their feet. Don't scold him for such behavior.

Children's tantrums can be caused by various reasons, but it is important for parents not to scold the child for them, but to try to help cope with excessively strong emotions.

A simple test to help determine the family psychological climate

Give each question a simple answer: “Yes” or “No”:

My family can be called friendly.
We have our own traditions of having dinners and lunches together.
I always feel comfortable with my family.
The homely atmosphere is most conducive to complete relaxation.
It is not customary for us to remember grievances or disagreements for a long time.
At home I feel protected both physically and mentally.
We always welcome guests.
I can always count on help and support from my family.
We all understand each other perfectly.
Being away from home for a long time makes me truly sad.
All our friends love to visit us.
We try to spend our holidays together as much as possible.
Work also progresses faster when we do it collectively.
We love to play board games or sing karaoke together.
It's always fun and warm here.
We hasten to apologize for our mistakes so as not to hurt a loved one.
All our holidays are fun and joyful.
There is always order and comfort in the house.
They love to come and visit us.
Some family members are not entirely comfortable at home.
Communication with loved ones can be called strained.
I try to lock myself in my room at home so as not to see anyone.
Often you have to accept insults from loved ones.
The discomfort at home is so great that sometimes you don’t want to go back there at all.
Everyone in the house tries to outshout each other, communicating exclusively in raised voices.
The atmosphere in the family is painful and tense.
In my home, I acutely feel loneliness and the fact that no one needs me.
Being with my family has a negative effect on me.
Thunderstorms often rage in the house with screams and scandals.
All receptions end in conflicts in the family.
Some family members are too complex.
We have one inadequate person who destroys all harmony.
The habits of some of my loved ones irritate me.
We do not know how to react normally to different circumstances.
The presence of individual family members in the house unsettles me.

Calculation of results:

each “Yes” answer to questions 1 to 19 inclusive deserves 1 point;
Each “No” answer to questions 20 to 35 also earns 1 point.

Calculation of results:

23-35 points - you can be proud of a stable, favorable emotional and psychological climate in the family.
16-22 points – a normal psychological climate with a predominant positive attitude, but also with some negative factors.
9-15 points – unstable climate in the family with changeable mood. This picture is often observed in families where disappointment in the partner begins and there is tension in the relationship. These numbers are a serious signal to go to a psychologist to save the family.
0-8 points – a stable negative climate, in which a decision on divorce is not far off. At the same time, both spouses are fully aware that life together is completely unbearable, so separation can really be the only right way out of the problem.

Any family, with the mutual desire of all members, will be able to establish the necessary comfortable climate, starting to communicate more with each other, taking care of loved ones, putting their desires as a higher priority than their own. Many couples have to turn to psychologists and go through long stages of psychological treatment for relationships. But isn’t harmony in the family and a happy future for children worth it? So, as the famous song says: “Think for yourself, decide for yourself - to have or not to have”... Be the architects of your own family happiness and fight for a healthy atmosphere in your home.

Social success

It's no secret that with appropriate emotional support from family and friends, people have much more reasons to strive to grow and become better. Motivation is the key to success. The psychological climate in the family creates the foundation for the future achievements of a person as an individual.

Statistically, children who grow up in unfavorable environments are less successful in life than their happy friends. This is understandable, because a person will not have energy left for new achievements if it is all spent on anger, resentment and family conflicts.

Too authoritative adults

There is no doubt that we want the best for our children. But sometimes in this endeavor we go too far: we plan the child’s whole life for him, decide who he will become when he grows up, what clubs he will attend, who he will be friends with, and demand an account of every step the child takes. This kind of pressure is hard to bear even for an adult. What to say about the child?

Try to understand your motives and the reasons why you are sending your child along this path. Maybe you wanted to become an artist, but you didn't succeed, and now you're realizing your dream through a child. Maybe you work a lot and hard and want your child to get a prestigious profession. Maybe you are so used to controlling everything that you can’t help but follow your child’s every step.

Either way, try to let go of that control. Talk to your child about what he would like and what he is interested in doing.

It is likely that you will not like your child’s choice, but this is not your life and it is not up to you to decide. You can support your child and offer him alternatives, but do not dissuade or prohibit him. For example, if your child wants to be a designer and design clothes, offer him a fallback option in the form of web design.

If your dad is authoritarian, talk to him, explain your position and ask him not to put pressure on his son or daughter. Such pressure will definitely not make the child happy. Try to agree and find a way out together. If your spouse does not compromise and continues to insist on his own, discuss the situation with a psychologist.

What can we change?

Tired of constant quarrels and conflicts? Do you rarely spend time together, and even if you manage to get away for a weekend or vacation, does it all end in scandal? Do you suspect that your family does not have the healthiest atmosphere? First you need to check this. Answer yourself the questions how often quarrels occur in your family, how conflicts are resolved, and how long grievances persist. Then analyze the psychological climate on the main scales: rate from 1 to 5 transparency, dynamics, temperature and emotionality. Try to answer questions as honestly and impartially as possible. This assessment will help you find problem areas and identify areas of growth.

What to do, if…

The child comprehends the relationship between parents. Part 1

Family life does not come down to raising children - this is obvious. However, when discussing the situation of a child’s development, we very often distance ourselves from marital relationships, as if they are in no way involved in the mental state of children. Children and their parents do not live separated by an impenetrable partition. The behavior of a father and mother towards each other is the same reality as the relationship of parents to a child.

Understanding what is happening around him, the child peers and thoughtfully listens not only to what his parents show him, but also to what they would probably like to hide from the sensitive child’s soul. Without exaggeration, we can say that the relationship between husband and wife has a huge impact on the development of the child’s personality. And the point here is not only that parents quarreling among themselves do not create the warm, welcoming and safe atmosphere in the family that the child needs, or that quarreling parents do not pay due attention to raising their children, that their demands are fickle, unreasonable and random, but also in the uniqueness of perception child of human relationships.

What do we know about the impact of poor, tense relationships between spouses on the well-being of children? Unfortunately, very little... Having looked through popular literature, we learn that quarrels in the family make a child nervous, whiny, disobedient, and aggressive. If parents constantly swear, fight and even drink, the child grows up in a clearly unfavorable environment, and the worst outcome can be expected. That's probably all. However, such everyday knowledge is enough to understand what is happening in one tenth of such families. In other cases, this knowledge is clearly not enough. Well, what if the family is outwardly decent, even setting an example for others, but the child, as they say, has no king in his head? Or both parents are teachers, so they know exactly how to raise a child and behave decently towards each other, and their child is an unhappy and angry little person. What's the matter then?

Ordinary consciousness is looking for a way out of the impasse, blaming it on the bad influence of the street, school, heredity, etc. But if you look closely at a given family, then, as a rule, the child’s behavior problems are an appropriate reaction to the disagreements that exist between the spouses. Friction between spouses usually has a traumatic effect on the child.

The very fact that spouses live together and their relationship is assessed by others as good does not mean that the husband and wife are satisfied in their marriage. Passions sometimes seethe beneath the mirror surface of family life; in family. considered by others as exemplary, the husband and wife may simply hate each other, between them there is a zone of arctic cold or a sea of indifference. Spouses, practically separated, continue to live together for a variety of reasons. For some, the main thing is to maintain external decency for their career, others are stopped by fear of an unknown future, and still others are stopped by their duty to their children. In the latter case, parents, for good reasons, believe that any two-parent family is better for the child than divorce.

This position is a fairly common misconception. Sometimes it is justified by studies that show shortcomings in the social adjustment of children after divorce. Of course, this also happens, but considering the fact that his parents are divorced to be the reason for the troubles of a growing child is both theoretically and in life unjustified.

The fact is that quarrels, frequent disagreements between parents, their conflictual relationships have a more detrimental effect on the child than the divorce itself and subsequent life with one of the parents. This was especially noted by psychologists, who showed that the greatest harm to children comes not from the divorce itself, but from the quarrels between spouses that precede the dissolution of the marriage. The child sensitively perceives the interpersonal distance formed as a result of their quarrels. In Fig. 17 six-year-old girl Inga, in the period before the divorce, portrayed her parents as already divorced. In the picture, mother and father are separated not only by a significant space, but also by objects located between them.

When there are quarrels, conflicts, you say, then everything is clear. And even then... Do children understand why their parents quarrel? Moreover. After all, in some families, parents restrain themselves from meaningless quarrels. How are things going in calm, intelligent families? This question is quite legitimate. How do children develop in families with a preserved facade, in which, however, parents are connected by emotionally tense relationships and hidden dissatisfaction with each other and the family? Maybe children do not notice the psychological nuances in the lives of their parents and they do not affect them in any way?

It is necessary to partially agree with the first part of the objection expressed. Of course, often the true reason for parents’ quarrels remains unknown to the child (to parents, too, by the way). Moreover, when encountering the inexplicable, children come up with a reason - simple, ordinary and understandable, and subsequently even strive to eliminate it. Here are some stories from seven-year-olds based on a picture that encourages children to reveal how they understand their parents' relationships.

Parents are angry and fight. Mom is angry that father is looking out the window. The father is also angry that he is not allowed to look out the window.

The father stands and looks out the window. Mom is standing nearby. They don't talk, Father is evil. The vase broke. Mom broke it. He's angry that she broke it. Mom is not feeling very well. She says: I'll buy a new vase. Father: Where will you get the money from? Mom I'll make money.

Father came home from work. Mom says: Why did you come so late? Father: There was a meeting. Mom: Why didn’t you tell me? Father: I didn’t know. Children wonder why their parents fight for so long.

In these examples, as in most experimentally collected children's statements about parental conflicts, the desire of children to explain family conflicts is revealed by everyday circumstances that are understandable to them, reasons that seem naive to us from the outside: they do not allow each other to look out of the window, they have not agreed on where to go for a walk, someone broke a vase, etc. Children are good at grasping the typical external circumstances with which conflict is associated, but its essence remains hidden to them. Do they often even try to eliminate the cause of their parents’ quarrels based on their judgments? In one family in which quarrels took place on financial grounds, a six-year-old boy seriously turned to his father and mother: Yesterday my grandmother gave me a ruble. If I give it to you, will you stop arguing?

The centrality of children's thoughts often involves them in emotionally complex conflicts. This also applies to the problem under discussion. Not finding a satisfactory explanation for disagreements between parents, children perceive themselves as the cause. Let us turn once again to the children's stories based on the indicated picture: Father and mother are sad and angry. Their son again received a bad grade. They are unhappy that he is so bad. They are arguing. Of course, a child who defines the cause of a quarrel as a consequence of his own badness experiences a strong feeling of guilt, which further aggravates his already difficult emotional state and can cause serious mental trauma. So: yes, children inaccurately and distortedly perceive the causes of quarrels between parents, but this does not mean that if their understanding of disagreements is incorrect, then they are thus protected from possible negative consequences.

To the second part of the oppositional statement, that parents are also able to refrain from open fighting, they can create a situation of psychological comfort for the child, it is necessary to answer in more detail. The fact is that even outwardly imperceptible tension between spouses has a great influence on children indirectly. At the same time, parents' dissatisfaction with each other and the family turns into negative influences, into relationships that directly affect the child.

It does not at all follow from the above that if both parents are not satisfied with the marriage, then divorce is inevitable. Divorce may be the simplest, but it is far from the best option. First, the dissolution of family ties is traumatic for both spouses and children. Children are used to and love both; they need both father and mother. Secondly, the very fact of divorce does not relieve irritation and dissatisfaction among spouses. Often, on the contrary, dissatisfaction, burdened by a feeling of loneliness, increases. Thus, a negative emotional state arising from unresolved personal problems often continues to exist in each half of the family. In such cases, the corresponding impact on children is aggravated. If previously dissatisfaction and irritability were partially discharged in marital relationships, now they can be entirely directed at the child.

There are no families without conflicts; in each of them, at least occasionally, dissatisfaction with the marriage arises. It `s naturally. Contradictions encourage change, the search for more satisfying relationships. In general, they are the engine of family progress. However, there are often cases when unresolved problems take root because they turn a blind eye to them, ignore them, mask them both from themselves and from others. An illusion arises that if you pretend that everything is fine, problems with yourself will disappear. Our main objection is addressed to this: it is not beneficial for spouses to act like someone hiding their head in the sand. Hidden friction in relationships wears them out more and more over time and harms both the spouses themselves and their children - problems require solutions, not storage behind a façade of family well-being painted in holiday colors.

Now about the mechanisms themselves - how tension in marital relationships is channeled into negative impacts on children and how children perceive it.

SCAPEGOAT

The most common way of channeling excessive mental stress and dissatisfaction between spouses with each other is the scapegoat mechanism. There are two options for its implementation. The first of these plays out in families in which one of the spouses clearly takes an authoritarian position from above. He does not tolerate objections from other family members. The internal, psychological subtext of this method of parental communication is as follows:

1. Everyone else, but not he (she), is to blame for the unsatisfactory state of affairs.

2. When you express your dissatisfaction with someone else, your soul becomes lighter.

He or she is categorically indignant about the behavior of the spouse and thus, as it were, freed from mental stress. The forms of expression of feelings depend on many things, including the cultural level of a person. This does not necessarily mean rudeness and shouting; it can be constant tactful remarks about the way of housekeeping, raising children, or the habit of speaking. In any case, the essence remains the same - mental stress and dissatisfaction pour out on the other spouse. The addressee, that is, the one at whom this disguised aggression was directed, would have snapped back with pleasure, but he anticipates that such an act of protest is fraught with consequences - a real scandal will begin, a whole avalanche of reproaches will fall on him. Therefore, the husband or wife suppresses the anger that has arisen within themselves for some time. But only for a while, until the first opportunity. If a child turns up here, the resulting irritation will pour out on him.

Another version of the harmful game of scapegoating is played out in families in which both spouses do not mince words, both will never give in or allow themselves to be offended. Here one link is excluded from the game - the husband or wife, and the child directly receives his share from the irritated parent. This simplification of the game does not happen immediately, but as a result of the parents’ accumulation of marital experience.

A husband and wife who have a long history of communicating with each other and know that if you start to openly attack your spouse or reproach him, you will hear the same thing in response, as a result, the tension in the relationship will increase even more or a real scandal will break out with each other accusations, breaking dishes, etc. Regardless of the form in which the conflict takes place, in all such cases both spouses lose: the husband and wife come out of it even more irritated and dissatisfied with each other. It would have been better to remain silent..., they think, having calmed down.

Such parents may eventually learn to refrain from showing obvious dissatisfaction with each other, but, unfortunately, their irritation, arising from dissatisfaction with the marriage, does not disappear. Mental stress manifests itself in one or another way (smoking, alcoholism, etc.), which are a kind of discharge valves. And the most convenient object in such cases for expressing accumulated indignation is a child. First of all, he won't fight back. Secondly, you can always find a reason to pinch a child: either he is not neat enough, or he has put his shoes in the wrong place, or he doesn’t look right at all... Everything, everything for the sake of the child! Everything so that he grows up to be a decent person!

The child, as in the first case, constantly feels dissatisfaction from his parents. Gradually, he begins to think of himself as bad, incapable of anything, as a person worthy of all censure. It is interesting that children in the scapegoat position have only low self-esteem in common, and each one adapts to this structure of interpersonal relationships in his own way. Some take on the role of a gray mouse - they try to catch the eye of their parents as little as possible. Such children leave the impression of withdrawn, driven children who look at those around them with great distrust and expectation of punishment.

In other cases, children, finding themselves in a scapegoat situation, develop the ability to resist the attacks of their parents, figuratively speaking, grow their own claws and teeth. They behave more and more aggressively towards their parents, thereby becoming for them an inconvenient object for channeling tension. These are embittered children who respond to every touch with a bite. However, this is precisely the way they find a way out of an unsatisfactory situation, when all the psychological slop is pouring on their heads.

REJECTION OF A SPOUSE THROUGH A CHILD.

The dissatisfaction of one spouse with the other during their life together, as a rule, takes on concrete shape. Annoyed by the increased or decreased activity of another, manner of speech, untidiness, body features, etc. In nine cases out of ten, such irritation is unproductive, since very soon it turns out that it is impossible to change the other - not much in us is determined by nature, and ingrained habits are not so easily changed. Faced with the insurmountable, spouses sooner or later give up trying to reshape the other. It would be good if the cessation of futile efforts was understood more deeply and rationally. However, more often the spouses think something like this: What can you get out of him... You can’t make new pants out of an old suit. Refusal of attempts to change another, however, does not always mean increased tolerance, tolerance for the uniqueness of the other. Irritation about this or that behavior remains and is often transferred to the child.

A child inherits or acquires through imitation a lot from his parents. Among his various character traits are those characteristics of his father or mother that cause irritation in the other spouse. A father or mother simply shudders when their child reveals an undesirable trait in their spouse: is this one really the same!? Often on the basis that the son is as restless as his father, or the daughter is just as whiny as the mother, a real struggle begins for the salvation of the child’s soul - the mother or father tries at all costs to eradicate unloved traits in the child.

The psychological meaning of such a struggle is denial of the spouse, expression of dissatisfaction with him through the child. In this case, the victim of marital friction is the child who is subjected to re-education. The desire to correct a child, as a rule, does not lead to the expected results; on the contrary, due to constant mentoring, the son or daughter acquires an inferiority complex, and the eradicated characteristics, instead of disappearing, become even more entrenched. How this happens can be seen using several examples.

The wife, who was actually extremely dissatisfied in her marriage but did not realize it, was especially irritated by her husband's periodic stuttering. She believed that her husband’s defect was the main reason for their family’s unsuccessful communication with others. Her attempts to persuade her husband to undergo treatment with a speech therapist were unsuccessful, since her husband had experience of unsuccessful treatment. With great concern, she followed the development of the boy’s speech - had he inherited his father’s speech defect? As they say, whoever seeks will always find.

A two-year-old boy sometimes got stuck on the pronunciation of individual words and repeated the same syllable several times, which is generally typical for the speech of young children. Of course, such a jam was in no way a stutter, but the mother saw exactly that in the child’s imperfect speech. Every time the baby stammered, she reacted strongly emotionally, got scared and, instead of hearing what her son wanted to say, focused on his pronunciation, forcing him to repeat the unsuccessfully pronounced word several times.

At the age of three, the boy himself was already very worried about such a situation, he hurried to repeat the word and... got stuck. The mother's speech therapy techniques, in essence, led to the fact that the boy, having said something incorrectly, became excited, scared and repeated the mistake, after which he became even more nervous and, therefore, more stuck. Thus, the mother, by creating a stir around stuttering, herself unintentionally taught the child to stutter.

A similar phenomenon, when a parent’s excessive zeal to rid his child of an undesirable character trait or behavior leads to opposite results, is not so rare, and a certain pattern can be traced in this. An excessive desire for the child to do this and not otherwise, and the use of educational means appropriate to the situation lead to the escalation of a tense nervous atmosphere. And this is not a means of effective education; on the contrary, all this can cause unwanted behavior. Then, when such a gimmick revolves around a certain undesirable feature of the child, it aggravates it even more. Let's look at one more example.

The father believes that the mother cared for the boy too much and he became just as spoiled and cowardly. like all women in general, and his wife in particular. Moreover, he sees in his son hereditary maternal sloppiness and excessive caution and tries to eradicate these qualities. Already from one observed case it becomes approximately clear what results the father’s training of a son in masculinity will lead to. Let's watch them one hot day on the shore of a picturesque lake.

The father is standing in the water, the boy is on the bridge. Jump,” the father shouts. The boy looks at the water uncertainly and fearfully. Jump now! Don't be a coward! - the father’s voice sounds sharp. The boy shrinks, looks at him fearfully and involuntarily takes a couple of steps, moving away not so much from the water as from his nervous father. The father runs out of patience, he grabs the boy and, screaming at the top of his voice and trying to wriggle out of his hands, plunges him into the water. The boy won't stop screaming, and his father is forced to return him to the bridge. Ugh, mama's boy! - he says sadly. “You won’t make a real man!”

What did the father want? So that his son would not be afraid of water, he showed determination. What have you achieved? The child will be even more afraid of water and of his father. In addition, the father, having acted in this way with his son, not only did not achieve what he wanted, but also laid the foundation for his son’s future failures. Why did it happen so? Let us not rush to reproach that the father is rude and does not know how to treat children. Maybe that's true. But even such a father would have behaved differently if he had not been impatient: to change his son at all costs and as quickly as possible. Behind all this lies a third character - the child's mother. Indeed, in relation to the son, one can hear both distrust of his wife and dissatisfaction with her, and with the fact that she makes her son like herself.

Efforts aimed at destroying the irritating traits of a spouse in a child are directed by emotions, not by reason. Therefore, the means that parents use do not correspond to the situation, the control measures used are too strong, and the expected result is unrealistic. Parents often waste energy on secondary and completely tolerable manifestations of their child's individuality. Even more incomprehensible is the desire of the parents to eradicate the natural in the child, what he inherited from the other spouse.

The mother, who turned to a psychologist for help, was indignant about the child’s increased activity. She said: I know how stupid people who are constantly fussing look. Here's my husband. It is absolutely impossible to be with him in public. He won’t sit quietly for a minute—he fusses all the time, interfering in someone else’s conversation. I'm just ashamed of him. So my son learned this. Everything twitches and spins... Tell me, how can I wean him off this?

It would be good if it concerned only this issue. Before turning to a psychologist, the mother obviously did a tremendous amount of work to pacify her son, without ever asking herself the question of why she got such a dislike for the activity of men, although the answer is obvious in this short statement. Already the first meeting with the child showed the results of the mother’s educational work.

The six-year-old boy turned out to be really active. For him, sitting still is a real torment (although I personally would be more alarmed if a boy of that age enjoyed it). Sitting in the office, the boy kept looking out the window, under the table, moving his leg, rummaging in his pockets. Then suddenly, remembering something, he shuddered in fear, glanced briefly at his mother, pressed his palms tightly to his legs and froze for a minute (the mother’s efforts are obvious). But his desire to sit quietly was only enough for a minute - he again began to fuss, distracted from what was happening.

What did the mother achieve in an attempt to overcome the natural inherent in her son’s individuality? In addition to the tense relationship with his mother, another result of educational work is visible - occasionally, while trying to stop, a tic (convulsive twitching of the facial muscles) is noticeable on the boy’s face. This, of course, is a cosmetic ailment, but how much targeted psycho-corrective work will be required to rid the boy of it!

In cases where parents declare war on the natural characteristics of the child, manifestations of temperament, one always wants to point out the hopelessness and futility of such efforts. This comparison comes to mind. Imagine that your child has bright red hair. You just shudder at this. And your husband (wife) is just as useless, and the child, unfortunately, will make the whole yard laugh with his hair. What if we forbid him to grow such hair and tell him to become a brunette?

Absurd? Certainly. But not that rare. Close people, instead of supporting the child, giving him a sense of self-confidence so that he can successfully adapt, despite his annoying characteristics, put him in a hopeless situation at home.

Rarely are the attempts of a mother or father to rid a child of forms of behavior learned from a spouse: oddities of gait, manner of speech, peculiar addresses, etc., successful. The fact is that a boy, learning his father’s behavior, and a girl learning her mother’s behavior, do not just memorize them. The child sees himself the same as his father, and at the same time begins to feel a little like him, as if he receives part of his strength, confidence, and maturity. This helps him gain peace of mind and self-control. The mother, wanting to rid the child of the irritating traits of her husband, does not realize that she is not encroaching on individual elements of behavior, but on the integrity of the image of the father acquired by the boy, on his prestige. If the mother (or, in a similar case, the father) perceived the situation this way, she would not be surprised why the learned behavior patterns are so stable and difficult to change.

As an additional argument, you can resort to the experience of divorced mothers. From their lips you can hear that if a boy communicated with his father for five years, then his father’s behavior, despite all the efforts of the mother, often persists for decades. So great is the power of imitation!

Children, finding themselves in a situation where for some reason they are forced to change the form of behavior learned from their parents, feel extremely confused. They wonder why what is allowed to the parent is not allowed to him, because he is precisely the one who strives to become like him. For example, a girl who has the not very good habit of sitting for hours in front of the mirror, combing her hair, trying on various dresses and accessories, could not understand why her father was dissatisfied: After all, all women, and my mother too, do this! Indeed, how and why can this girl know that her father, observing such behavior, simply begins to ache, as he immediately remembers the constant conflicts with his mother: And I don’t have a dress for the evening (boots, coat, etc. ) - nothing to go out in public with!

Rejection of a spouse through a child is a serious symptom of a breakdown in family relationships, a sign of loss of emotional attractiveness of a husband or wife. The spouses do not satisfy each other in many ways, but each of them is not able to tackle the interpersonal problems that led to such a family situation. The reason is the fear of getting bogged down in a fruitless showdown, after which life becomes even more stressful. Therefore, all the energy of re-educating the other is directed towards children, carriers of the spouse’s irritating characteristics. This sounds like a subconscious hope: He (she) will see from the outside, in the child, how worthless he (she) is, and will understand that this makes me angry. Maybe then he (she) will make an effort and change for the better. This behavior may also include other, self-defensive behavior: God, is it really possible to live with people who behave like this!

In a situation of such indirect rejection of a spouse, children are constantly in an atmosphere of tension, which cannot affect their personal development. And yet, in such an environment, children do not lose much in self-esteem. The fact is that, despite the intense pressure from one parent, they subjectively feel the support of the other, which gives them stability: Let them put pressure on me as they want, but I am the same as my father (mother).

Children are in a more difficult situation after divorce. If a mother or father tries to knock any signs of a former spouse out of a child, they thereby further complicate the already very psychologically difficult position of the child after a divorce, making him even more precarious - the child loses another point of support: his positive image is jeopardized, or his elements of the missing parent. By doing this, divorced parents greatly increase the child's risk of psychological breakdown.

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