How to stop hating a person: advice from a psychologist

• November 28, 2019
• Psychology of relationships
• Angelica Braldi

How to stop hating a person who has hurt, betrayed, humiliated, offended? Do you need to fight this feeling? Many people ask similar questions, but not everyone actually feels hatred. As a rule, people use this word to describe many other negative emotions that overwhelm their consciousness.

To dislike someone, to feel hostility, to be angry, to be angry is not the same as to experience hatred. Accordingly, you need to understand your emotions and only after that think about how to stop hating a person. Psychology gives a clear and unambiguous definition of hatred. This is where you should start fighting this feeling.

Why does hatred appear?

The reasons for the appearance of this feeling are a mystery to psychologists. Of course, if a person experiences such an emotion in relation to someone specific who has offended him or caused him pain, who has prevented him from achieving his goals, then the origins of hatred are obvious. There are no ambiguities when this feeling arises in relation to duties, events or phenomena that are unpleasant to a person, but he is forced to come into contact with them.

But what about hatred for something that people have never directly encountered in their lives? Where does the categorical rejection of other cultures, foreign traditions or habits come from? Psychologists cannot answer these questions unambiguously.

Thus, this feeling can appear both as a consequence of the conflict, that is, for obvious and objective reasons, and in the form of an irrational emotion provoked by fears, lack of information, propaganda, cultural traditions of society, features of historical development and much more. For example, if a family holds certain views on something, then the child “absorbs” them from infancy.

Everything comes from childhood

According to Erikson's theory, trust (or lack thereof) is formed in a person from an early age. The child learns everything gradually, including trust. He waits for the people who care for him (parents) to feed him, play with him, and read him a bedtime story. He feels safe next to them, as they provide the conditions necessary for comfort.

But if a child is often disappointed (they didn’t buy the promised toy, didn’t give him dessert after eating soup, didn’t allow him to go for a walk after homework), then he develops distrust. And then it manifests itself throughout life. So, on the one hand, the degree of development of a sense of trust depends on the amount of care received, through which a sense of stability and permanence is conveyed.

How to cope with this feeling towards a specific person?

How can you stop hating a person whose very appearance makes you want to do him harm? It is especially difficult to cope with yourself in situations where you have to deal with an object of hostility and disgust every day.

Typically, in such circumstances, the following are of paramount importance:

• the ability to cope with your feelings, not show them and reduce the intensity of emotions;
• interaction with the object of hatred;
• conflict resolution.

The ability to cope with your feelings is not at all getting rid of them. This should be understood and the fight against hatred should not stop at acquiring the skill of hiding and suppressing it. A destructive emotion, artificially driven into the farthest corner of consciousness, will not disappear anywhere. It will constantly “undermine” a person, just like water stones, and will influence all his decisions and actions, even if he himself does not realize it.

For example, a woman who hates her ex-husband or boyfriend will intuitively avoid places where she might encounter him, or, conversely, only visit them. At the same time, her choice of stores, entertainment venues or events is influenced only by hatred, and not by rational arguments. That is, destructive emotion limits possibilities.

Accordingly, hatred must be completely eliminated. But you definitely need to start this difficult process by gaining control over your feelings.

How to cope with surging emotions?

It's very difficult to stop hating. How to cope with attacks of anger during which you literally take your breath away? After all, it is not always possible to simply let off steam or throw out your feelings directly on the object of hatred.

The following will help reduce the intensity of negative experiences and curb them:

• distraction from thoughts, switching attention;
• creativity, because hatred can be expressed in drawing, in music;
• sports: running or boxing, a person splashes out his anger;
• deep breathing, counting to yourself to 10 and exhaling forcefully during a sudden attack of anger;
• writing stories or keeping a diary, which describes in detail the sensations experienced and their reasons;
• frank conversation with a loved one;
• seeking help when possible.

It is difficult to predict what exactly will help curb hatred. This is largely determined by who exactly the person experiences strong negativity towards. If the object of hostility is a work colleague, then it makes sense to seek help from your superiors and achieve a division in the schedule or a transfer to another room.

But what about those who hate their own family members? The best options in such a situation would be sports, painting or music. If we are talking about hatred between brothers or sisters, then if you have a normal relationship with your parents, you can turn to them for help.

You need to understand that taking control of your negative emotions is an extremely difficult task. There are no universal ways to stop hating. What helped one person will be useless to another. Sometimes it is possible to cope with negative feelings only with help from a psychologist.

Consequences

A person who does not trust anyone has great problems communicating with people. He experiences strong jealousy, a desire to control another person, and if he does not succeed, then fear and aggression take over. Phobias and manias may also appear, interfering with the life of not only him, but also those around him. But the worst thing is when a person becomes so disappointed in people that he becomes a hermit. It is better for him to be alone than to try to start a relationship with someone. For him, this is a potential risk of re-experiencing the sensations that brought him a lot of pain.

How to communicate and interact with a hated person?

The most difficult thing in the fight against hatred is the need to cope with the feeling in conditions of forced interaction with its object.

What to do in such a situation? Psychologists advise the following:

• limit communication with the hated person as much as possible;
• control your feelings, in case of an “acute attack”, apologize and leave the room, leave an event or meeting;
• ignore all attacks directed at you, no matter how difficult it may be, do not give a reason for them;
• do not incite or pick on the object of your hostility, do not provoke conflicts;
• set boundaries of interaction and never violate them.

If the person towards whom you feel acute hostility has not earned it in any specific way, then you can quite easily try to get rid of your own hatred by starting to communicate closely with him. In what situations is this appropriate? When there is hatred that does not have clear and objective reasons, for example, in the presence of racial prejudice, rejection of a culture or way of life that differs from one’s own. However, before you try to get to know a person better, you need to understand whether you can control your own hatred.

How to resolve the conflict?

If a certain situation serves as a reason for hostility towards a particular person, then it should be resolved in order to stop hating. How to do it? Unfortunately, there is no single, universal pattern of behavior that can be used to get out of a conflict situation. Each conflict is resolved in its own way, taking into account the peculiarities of its occurrence, the interests and desires of the warring parties, as well as the circumstances surrounding the escalation of the situation.

The following helps resolve conflicts and, accordingly, get rid of hatred:

• searching for a solution to an existing problem;
• recognition of the character traits of another person;
• identifying and eliminating the true cause of hostility;
• understanding the actions of the object of anger and the motives that motivate them;
• focusing on finding common ground rather than seeking sympathy;
• frank discussion of the situation in a calm and constructive manner;
• assistance from third parties, mediation of people respected by both warring parties;
• the ability to admit one’s own shortcomings, mistakes and mistakes;
• willingness to apologize if there is guilt.

When trying to end the conflict and get rid of the feeling of hatred that destroys the psyche, there is no need to strive for friendship with an unpleasant person or try to begin to sympathize with him. You shouldn't rush from one extreme to the other.

How to get rid of hatred towards your family members?

How to stop hating your husband, brother or sister, parents? It is difficult to talk openly about such feelings even with close friends, not to mention trusting psychotherapists who know nothing about the situation in the family.

First, you need to stop blaming yourself for the emotions you experience. You need to abstract yourself from feelings and try to understand what exactly caused them. As a rule, the reasons for hatred that suddenly arises after many years of living together are negative emotions accumulated in the soul, such as:

• grievances;
• disappointments;
• irritation caused by everyday habits.

Often the reason for hostility towards a once loved one is a difference in personal development. The loss of common interests, differences in views on life, and a change in priorities by one of the spouses also plays an important role.

If the whole point is an accumulated heap of negativity, then resolving the situation is very simple. There is no need to rush at your spouse with accusations and hysterical screams; you should calmly explain to him that your patience has run out. It is quite possible that the spouse had no idea that some of his habits or actions were causing negative reactions. If for some reason a frank constructive conversation is impossible, you should turn the solution to the problem into a playful game. For example, if your husband does not close the tube of toothpaste, you should leave a new note above him every evening with a reminder and a comic prize for completing the task.

The main thing in the fight against intra-family hatred is to contain negativity, adequacy and respect for your partner. We must not forget that a spouse may not have the brightest feelings about something. Accordingly, you need to be prepared to respond to criticism and to find a compromise.

How to stop hating everyone? Sometimes it happens that disgust arises in relation to all relatives and friends. In such a situation, it is worth looking for the reasons for anger and malice not in them, but in yourself. It is possible that the person is too tired or needs solitude. You can’t fix everyone around you, so it’s worth going on vacation or a weekend to have a good rest and recharge yourself with positivity. The fulfillment of simple desires, which are always put off, also helps to cope with irritation.

However, you should understand that not everything can be fixed. Sometimes hatred is quite natural and is caused by violence, both physical and psychological, from one of the family members. If this is the situation, you should not fight your feelings, but seek professional help. Of course, it is necessary to end family relationships.

How to get rid of hatred towards your ex-partner?

How to stop hating your ex? The question is very rhetorical. First you need to understand what exactly is the reason for this hatred. What did a person do to deserve such treatment, what did he do?

If a woman is ready to list specific offenses that have consequences, then she should fight not with feelings of hatred, but with the problems that the actions of her ex-partner gave rise to. For example, if a person is hated for assault, the results of which are visible every day in the mirror (scars, the consequences of uneven healing of cracks in the skull, unregenerated hair follicles, etc.), it is these defects in appearance that need to be corrected. It is impossible to let go of the situation, forgive a person and forget about his actions if you constantly look at their results.

In the event that a girl is not able to name a single specific offense, but lists many shortcomings of a man, the reason for hatred is irrational and is located in the female mind. She needs to be found. Perhaps it's all about resentment towards the person? Envy that he was able to start a new relationship? Is it that the woman feels guilty for the breakup? Having found the cause of negative emotions, you need to deal with it. After this, the hatred will go away.

Of course, you can't concentrate on the past. You should live in the present. In order to get rid of intrusive memories, you need to find interesting activities for yourself, get a dog, walk, communicate with people, learn something new, play sports. If possible, you should travel or change jobs.

Experience

Very often a person who does not trust people has every reason to do so. He was simply betrayed and let down often. And often not only acquaintances, but also those whom he considered closest and dearest. This almost always causes permanent injury. Trust is undermined in all people, and it becomes problematic to demonstrate it in interpersonal relationships with other individuals.

The same goes for betrayal. It is difficult for a person who has been cheated on (perhaps more than once) to build relationships, to love, to believe in the sincerity of reciprocal feelings and to trust. In such cases, it is difficult to forget about the experience, but it is recommended. To help yourself, you need to understand: many people from the past truly did not deserve even a first chance. But there is no need to deprive others of it. Not all people are the same.

How to get rid of hatred towards all humanity?

How to stop hating people around you? This is a question that requires consultation with a psychologist. Hatred of humanity is a very serious disorder; it can be either an independent specific phobia or a symptom accompanying neuroses and other pathologies.

Of course, hatred of people is not always a sign of mental illness. It can appear after severe nervous shocks, be a consequence of stress, or develop due to a series of insults, humiliations, and insults from others.

It is impossible to understand on your own what exactly such hatred is and cope with it. The help of a specialist and sometimes medication is required.

Mental problems

A person who does not trust people often tests them. Many people suffering from depression think that they are being watched. This becomes the reason why they are overcome by fear and suspicion. Often exaggerated or unfounded mistrust is a symptom of depression.

People who are in the early stages of alcoholism also become very suspicious. Elderly people, due to their age, also begin to show distrust. Because of suspicion, they hide things and money, complain about poor care, and constantly double-check everything.