How to get over a separation from your husband: 10 tips that work

Writer, translator, hedonist from Spain, which he talks about on the Telegram channel.

I am writing this material on the birthday of my daughter, who turned nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, ​​and her Spanish dad lives in the USA, in Seattle. Today we called each other and congratulated each other on the holiday, remembered how happy we were when we were waiting for Lucia to appear, how in love we were with her and with each other when she was born, when she got her first tooth, when she ran along the Marbella embankment, when she first said: "I'm from Madrid!" We are dear to each other and support each other's decisions. We worry when one of us has a difficult moment. But four years ago our communication was filled with bitterness, rage, lust, disappointment and poisonous fire.

The divorce was his initiative. However, he had difficulty justifying this decision to himself and expected Italian scandals from my temperament. I loved my husband, but I clearly understood that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own means - and not even for subsistence, but for a decent life - then I simply do not have the right to kill myself. Therefore, I held on with all my might and did not sort things out, did not blame and did not hide in any way, did not stop the process and did not limit communication with the child. All formalities are carried out through a family lawyer, all intentions are as peaceful as possible. Within six months, the text of our divorce agreement was ready and submitted for consideration.

It was more difficult when two years later he came again to ask for my hand and did it in front of the child, and I refused. After that episode, the balance was shaken for many months. It is very difficult to cope with the emotions of a child who wants mom and dad to be together.

All troubles are behind us. Now my ex-husband is grateful to me for our peaceful relationship. And I tell him because he is a great dad and explains physics and mathematics better than anyone else.

It's rarely easy. Both the initiator and the one who ends the marriage against his will will have to cross a long burning bridge. Running is dangerous, losing composure is unacceptable.

There are things that do not depend on you, and even with the most correct behavior will be beyond your sphere of control. In my experience, here are the main points that will help you survive this event with minimal losses for both parties.

Proper grief experience

In order to survive grief, you need to live it.
All severe stressful situations associated with loss, be it a breakup, death, loss of a job or fortune, are experienced in more or less the same way. Psychologists identify several stages of experiencing loss, and the most important task is to go through each stage sequentially, without skipping or getting stuck on any of them. Experiencing grief is an individual process, and it is impossible to accurately determine the time frame that will be required to go through one or another stage. The greater the shock, the harder and longer the process will take. In the case of divorce, we can say that all stages should be completed within a maximum of a year.

There are several scientific concepts of bereavement, but they all have much in common and can be roughly grouped into five stages. Let's look at each of them in detail.

Shock and denial

Have you ever been seriously injured or burned?
At first you probably didn’t feel anything, and only after a couple of moments the severe pain began. It's about the same here. Consciousness puts up a defense and refuses to believe in what happened, and the person lives for some time in an illusory world where everything is as before. The leading emotion at this stage is fear of the inevitability of loss. Now we need to find those resources that will help cope with the fear of loss. Tactful and unobtrusive support and care from others is important. But the most resourceful is self-support and self-care.

There are quite simple exercises that will help you find a source of strength in yourself to properly experience the stages of grief. At the stage of denial, such an exercise could be a written answer to the question “How will I live without my husband.”

Anger and resentment

If at the last stage the right resources were found to support it, and it ended, the next stage begins.
It is about trying to change the situation. Anger provokes active actions, and in this case this energy is directed to finding someone to blame. The object can be not only an ex-husband or a rival, but close people and the survivor herself. Often women get stuck at this stage because in our culture there is an unspoken prohibition against anger (“good girls don’t get angry”).

To move on, it is very important to learn to recognize your anger and express it correctly. This, of course, is not about throwing your fists at your ex-spouse. While you are in a state of passion, you should not do anything at all. Wait for the outbreak to pass. But don't leave anger and anger inside yourself. Let them out. If you want to scream, scream. Break the glasses. Sob. Talk through your feelings in private, tell a friend, mom about them, “give” them to the person who caused them.

As a form of self-help, you can make a written analysis of the situation. The exercise consists of a detailed description of your negative emotions, what you don’t like in the current situation, what caused your anger and why.

Compromise, or stage of guilt

At this stage, the desire to find and correct errors usually comes.
It is at this time that women try to win back their spouse at any cost, humiliate themselves, blame themselves for everything and promise to improve. Be careful not to fall into self-recrimination. To do this, it is important to separate the concepts of “responsibility” and “guilt”. Responsibility is about accepting and correcting your mistakes, and guilt is about self-punishment.

At this stage, be especially attentive to your surroundings - tormented by feelings of guilt, women tend to fall under the influence of others, join sects, and turn to religion.

Correct living of the stage will be helped by writing about mistakes (what you didn’t like in your behavior, how to correct it) and writing to yourself, forgiving your mistakes and drawing conclusions for the future.

Depression

The most difficult and prolonged period when suffering reaches its highest point.
This is due to the fact that at this stage there is a full awareness of the loss, which means there is a need to sever emotional ties with the ex-spouse. Experiencing depression means accepting this gap, “letting go” of a once close person. To avoid getting stuck at this stage, make a list of all the benefits of being married to your ex-husband. Then write a letter in which you remember the positive moments and thank him for all the good things that happened in your life together (there is no need to send the letter to the addressee).

Adoption

At this stage, the person is restored.
It becomes clear how to live without a husband, what resources are available for personal growth. A new life begins. When you understand that as a result of the divorce, conditions have developed for further development and new opportunities have opened up, you can consider that the experience of grief is complete.

Of course, such deep wounds cannot disappear without a trace. There will always be a deep scar on my heart. But you have the power to make it a symbol of victory over circumstances, because you have gained invaluable experience and learned to turn failures into a resource for development.

Do women and girls even worry after breaking up with their beloved man or boyfriend?

Of course, divorce for both men and women is always a more or less conscious admission of defeat. Moreover, if one of the parties plans and thinks about this process, then for the second, the separation is a complete surprise. The degree and nature of women's experiences largely depend on whose initiative the breakup occurred.

If a representative of the fair sex herself became the initiator, then she can also experience differently:

1. 
   Demonstrate indifference, because a man for self-sufficient ladies is just a tool to achieve a goal.

2. Depressed - such women can “overact”: beg for forgiveness, call and stand guard at the entrance.
3. To worry without extremes - to feel guilty for the “inconvenience” caused, to be tormented by remorse.

If the initiator was the former chosen one, then this fact greatly unsettles the woman. Nothing makes her happy, she is left alone with her problem and in especially severe cases can even fall into depression. The characteristic behavior at such moments is to think only about the man and the moments experienced with him.

Special cases

In some cases, domestic and legal difficulties are added to the mental anguish and heartache after a divorce. In each individual situation you need to know how to behave correctly.

If there is a child

Most people getting divorced already have children. As they say, if there is no love, then nothing can save the family. The child makes the situation worse. Firstly, this is psychological trauma for him. He will have to share his parents, perhaps lose sight of some of them forever (let's be honest: not all fathers and even mothers continue to maintain relationships with them). Therefore, in addition to healing your own mental wounds, you also need to help him survive this with minimal losses. Do not hesitate and make an appointment with a family psychologist.

Secondly, quarrels often flare up over the child. Many parents, while continuing to love their child together, want to spend more time with him. This becomes a source of new conflicts.

Thirdly, the presence of a child (and especially a very small one or more than one) aggravates the worries: how can I now raise and feed him alone?

To avoid all these difficulties when getting a divorce, you need to sit down and immediately discuss the following points regarding the child:

• who will he stay with?
• frequency of meetings with the other parent (down to specific days and number of hours);
• monthly maintenance amount (specific figure);
• permission to travel abroad;
• his share in the joint property.

It is important to discuss all this as part of business negotiations - calmly, balancedly and judiciously. You can drink valerian before the meeting to pull yourself together, invite a psychologist or lawyer. Do everything to ensure that these issues are resolved amicably, and not through court, which will only prolong post-divorce depression.

In old age

Even after 5 years of marriage, divorce causes burning mental pain. And what can we say about those who have been together side by side for more than 15, 20 and even 30 years? Stability, adult children, little grandchildren - I would enjoy a calm old age, but no. There are many examples of older married couples breaking up.

The main problem of such divorces is worries about the fact that life is already over, you won’t find a soul mate at that age, and you’re ashamed in front of your friends.

What do psychologists advise in such cases:

1. Focus on children (they probably need your help in solving some everyday problems) and grandchildren.
2. Get rid of feelings of guilt and shame in front of someone. There are thousands of such examples!
3. Divorce is a chance to start life anew, freedom. Travel the world, after all.
4. It is not true that in old age it is difficult to find someone. You just need to look around!

In old age, it is easier to start your own business, since you probably have accumulated capital and experience. This is a great opportunity to get through your divorce as painlessly as possible.

If you have health problems, focus on it. It's time to buy a ticket to a resort or sanatorium.

If you are the initiator

If you divorced on your own initiative, it will be easier to psychologically cope with what happened. After all, you probably had a reason for this, you understand why it would be better. Problems may arise if the former other half took it with hostility. How to avoid trouble in this case:

• for the last time, try to explain everything to your spouse, sincerely ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
• get rid of guilt;
• change your phone number so they don’t bother you (if you have a problem with intrusiveness);
• make social media accounts private;
• take a vacation, go somewhere far away;
• try not to think about what happened, look for positive emotions;
• Don't communicate with mutual friends for a while.

The initiator of the divorce usually needs only 3-4 weeks for complete mental rehabilitation.

Stage 3: Learn to date again

After a divorce, many women are tempted to go to great lengths to prove to themselves (“and this scoundrel!”) that they have retained sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.

How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedel advises following two rules.

Don't look for the perfect man

Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into bed with him and snuggle under the covers.

Value your principles

Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - about what is important to you. Don't fool yourself into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come from this relationship.

Advice from psychologists for peace of mind during divorce

The psychologist's main advice is to accept divorce as a fait accompli. Bad decision: tearing up photographs, ostentatiously throwing away gifts, burning a wedding dress. Remove objects that cause pain from your eyes. Let go of your spouse mentally, wish yourself and him life changes. Discard thoughts about his return, leave self-flagellation and worries in the past.

Other relevant tips

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Fill your free time

Instead of self-criticism, find an exciting hobby: tailoring, drawing, cooking, sports. If you stay in thoughts about the past, you can quickly fall into a prolonged depression. There is no desire to pursue a hobby, but your own work excites you? Devote time to it - perhaps your zeal will lead to a jump up the career ladder.

A pet

Useful advice, especially for those who work from home. If you have dreamed of a cat or a dog, then it's time to realize your dream.

Society

Falling into worries about separation, women often forget about friends and relatives. No need to fence yourself off! Discuss your feelings with loved ones and get support from them.

How to survive a divorce - 8 recommendations from a psychologist

Accept the fact of what happened

A common mistake is to assume that your partner will return and everything will go back to normal. Especially if the initiator of the divorce was not you, but your spouse. By thinking this way, you cling to the old and deprive yourself of the chance for a new life. You can think this way for years, deceive yourself and wishful thinking.

Few people manage to step into the same river twice, and even less often something good comes out of it. It is with the acceptance of what happened that further work begins. Yes, it hurts, but it is necessary. In order to start a new life, you must finally put an end to the old one.

In general, if you are going to post a message to your ex on your social media page in the hope that he will see, cry and come running back, slap your hands.

Don't look for a new partner immediately after divorce

The practice of “fighting wedges with wedges” in this context is vicious, dangerous and erroneous. There will still be time for this, but only after you have gone through all the stages of grief, solved internal problems and simply let the situation go.

The search for a new relationship immediately after a divorce can be dictated by anything but common sense or true feelings. This includes the desire to take revenge on an ex, fear of loneliness, and everyday problems. A strong marriage will not work on such a foundation; it will only get worse.

Don't isolate yourself

Meet friends, family, communicate with work colleagues. It is very important to talk through your emotions and experiences, especially if there is a person to whom you can talk. Pushing experiences to the back of your mind, being strong/strong won’t work here. Life is full of situations when we should be strong, but this is not that story. Crying sincerely for a couple of weeks after a divorce is great therapy.

It’s clear that you don’t always want to stress out your friends or relatives with your whining, and many simply don’t have that opportunity. Then excellent psychological practice will come to the rescue, which I want to talk about in the next paragraph.

Use psychological practices

For example, this: you need to choose an object on which you can “have a blast”, throwing out all the negative emotions on it. Technically, it could be anything, even a frying pan. Do you remember the joke where a Georgian who served in the army asked his parents to get a pig and call it ensign so-and-so, they say, if I serve, I’ll come and slaughter it? This is exactly how it works, but this is only the first part of the technique.

Then do this: shout, scold the object at hand, without mincing words. And after the emotions have spilled out, you need to remember something pleasant, something that previously brought pleasure and pleasant emotions. An important point: memories should not be associated with a former partner. This could be a walk along the seashore, fragments of travel, etc. To enhance the effect, you can lie down and close your eyes.

The point is that in this way you train your mind to switch from negativity to positivity and then you can do it through willpower. The exercise must be repeated whenever bouts of blues occur.

More similar practices can be found on the Internet or by contacting a psychologist.

Look for the positives in everything

Yes, even divorced. What a beauty: now you don’t need to coordinate plans with anyone, arrange vacations, ask for time off or consult. You are your own boss (or master) and you need to take advantage of this.

Remember what you couldn't bring to life while you were married? Perhaps it's a trip, meeting old university friends, or something crazy like skydiving? Now everything is possible and you don’t have to report to anyone. Yes, you can also have a cat, even two. The restrictions that married life imposed no longer exist.

Yes, you can also have a cat, even two

Make yourself your top priority.

During a divorce, self-esteem often suffers , not only for the person who was abandoned, but also for the initiator of the separation. Thoughts like “I’m always unlucky”, “I’m not like everyone else”, “nobody will love me anymore” may come to mind. In fact, this is not true; due to a negative attitude, you may not notice how much positive there is around you and how many people sympathize with you. I wrote more about this in an article about toxic thinking. Self-esteem is trusting yourself and being confident that you are worthy of happiness (read about self-esteem).

In this situation, the famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises learning to understand yourself and your desires, at least at the level of the simplest things: food, clothing, and so on. Most likely, such interests were relegated to the background during marriage. At that time there was no “I”, there was only “we” and everything was adjusted to the former partner. It's time to turn on healthy egoism and start living for yourself, it's good for self-esteem.

The specialist advises to stop living automatically and ask yourself: “What do I want?” . If the answer is, for example, to get enough sleep or buy five kilograms of sweets, that’s not bad. It seems like nonsense, but that’s not the point at all: in this way you will learn to listen and hear yourself, understand desires. Make yourself a priority and remember that you are alone, and life is given only once. Don't give up your hobbies, but rather start new ones.

Mikhail Labkovsky advises learning to understand yourself and your desires

Don't be afraid of loneliness

The fear of being alone, even for a short time, is one of the main ones during divorce. It's not easy to come back to an empty apartment and do everything yourself, especially at first.

In fact, loneliness is a great opportunity to sort out your feelings, understand yourself better and cope with your fears. The main thing is to understand that the opportunity to communicate with people is not always there, and that’s normal. By and large, living together is a habit, and habits are always hard to give up. If you doubt that you can cope on your own, it is better to seek help from a qualified psychologist.

Emotional release

In addition to everything listed above, there is another very effective way to get rid of any feelings for your ex-spouse. It will also restore your physical and moral strength, provide an opportunity to restore spiritual integrity and analyze your entire life.

Emotional release is a very good psychological practice that will help you calmly survive any negative event in your life. This practice consists of 7 main stages, the implementation of which should be carried out exclusively one by one.

The first stage is a description of feelings. Take a regular notebook and try to write on paper everything you feel about this person. Just don't think about divorce, because anger is just a side effect. You have had many years of truly sincere love. Therefore, do not be afraid to describe it all in beautiful and gentle words.

The second stage is a detailed answer. You need to write a detailed answer to each of these feelings to answer the question of why exactly this feeling arose. For example, if you feel sympathy now, write down what exactly touches you. Or if you feel guilty, describe what exactly causes this feeling. You must explain to yourself in as much detail and as honestly as possible why this or that condition has developed.

Typical mistakes women make after divorce

Women experiencing family breakdown often make characteristic mistakes. The pain is so strong that the suffering person is ready to go to great lengths to relieve it. Sometimes ways to combat depression turn into even bigger problems: drinking, cigarettes, short-term relationships.

• Antidepressants
  can make the situation worse. Don't accept them! The first days after a breakup are the most difficult. Tolerate them without medications - it will be easier later. Risk of antidepressants: addiction to sedatives.
• Alcohol
  . Do you numb the pain with alcohol? Subsequently it will become even stronger. In addition to this there will be new problems associated with alcohol. Female alcoholism goes unnoticed at first - remember this.
• Sleeping pills
  . Gloomy thoughts can creep in at night too.

An obvious but dangerous way to combat insomnia is with sleeping pills. Addiction sets in quickly, and getting rid of it is no easier than getting rid of worries about a broken family. Look for an alternative: herbal teas, which have a sedative effect. The effect of the drink is less pronounced, but the benefits are more noticeable.

Quick remarriage

Wanting to prove female attractiveness and the interest of the opposite sex, a woman quickly remarries. Sometimes starting a new family quickly is an attempt to escape from suffering. Hoping that with a new man it will be easier to forget about their past family life, women make a mistake. It takes time to get over depression. At first it will seem that the stress has subsided, but it will return if you do not survive all the stages. Moreover, the return will be at the time of the new marriage, which will not add to his happiness.

Separating from your husband according to all the rules

Stop, think carefully. Only violence, aggression, a threat to the life and health of you and your children can serve as a reason why you can run away from marriage without looking back.

In all other options, there is no need to rush:

• Solve the housing problem. Think over your escape route. The first burning issue is housing. Often women live with tyrants for years only because they have nowhere to retreat. In fact, you can always find options.
• Create a financial safety net. A cash reserve is never superfluous, especially in the early stages after a divorce (paying for children’s sections, rent, buying groceries, etc.)

Errors

You may notice certain behaviors that constructively indicate an inability to accept separation from your ex-partner:

1. You idealize your ex-partner, paying attention only to his advantages, exaggerating them, or even giving him additional features. At the same time, the final image is very different from reality, and when you are reminded of the defects and shortcomings of your ex, you immediately replace it with an imaginary ideal image.
2. You idealize your relationship - there is nothing good in cherishing bad memories and regrets, but in this case you imagine your completed relationship as an absolute idyll, devoid of negative aspects.
3. You blame yourself for the breakup—you see yourself as the sole cause of the breakup, the person who caused the ideal relationship to break down and cause harm or failure to satisfy your ideal partner.
4. You follow your ex-partner live or on social networks - watch his movements, posts, photographs, analyze his activity on social networks.
5. You weave conspiracy theories about the breakup - looking for infidelity, flirting, dark secrets, giving new meaning to situations from the past, overestimating the behavior and words of your ex-boyfriend.
6. You do not allow your chosen one to leave your life - you keep his things, souvenirs, photographs, letters, messages (at home, on your phone, on your computer), you remember him in the company of other people, you agree to irrational decisions such as friendship with your ex-partner.
7. You neglect yourself and your surroundings - you avoid social contacts, you forget about the sevens, you push others away with your irritation or resentment, you don't exercise, you give up hobbies, you become sloppy.
8. You try to get your ex back by putting pressure on him, being extreme and reckless, trying to reach him through his family, friends and acquaintances.

The above points are mistakes that are difficult to avoid when you are sad and desperate.

How to stop loving your ex-husband?

When a certain time has already passed and you have already cried, and the desire to return everything has gradually let go of you, you need to try to open yourself, take a step towards a new life and new relationships. And to do this, you need to absolutely soberly and consciously understand that you no longer love this person.

But if this is not the case and you still feel something for your ex-spouse, then it’s time to throw all these feelings off the cliff, saying goodbye to them forever.

For this, psychologists recommend using the following methods:

1. Get rid of all things that may remind you of him. It is visual memory that is the longest and strongest. If every day you come across some everyday objects that united you, then you unconsciously begin to remember the time when you were together. Therefore, remove everything that may remind you of him - photos, his clothes and other things, gifts that were given to him, and so on. If you don’t want to throw it all away, then put it all in some kind of box and put it somewhere away.
2. Ask your loved ones to close the topic of divorce. There is no need for people to immediately feel sorry for you at any meeting, to remember all this, to constantly sympathize with you and tell you what a scoundrel he is. The less you are reminded of the divorce, the faster and easier you will accept the situation and start a new life.
3. Try to focus on something good. Find the positives of divorced life. For example, there are no dirty socks lying around the house, you don’t have to wake up every morning at the crack of dawn and prepare breakfast, and dirty laundry, it turns out, can easily wait. Try to kind of enjoy it, getting the benefits and pleasure from such a single life. In the end, you now have so much time for yourself, your beloved! Go to the salon, get yourself in order and have a good shopping trip, update your look.
4. Don't be afraid to be flirty. This is not about new relationships, but simply flirting with strangers. This will improve your self-esteem. What if you accidentally meet a new friend or even a man.