Author of the article: Naumenko Alexandra Igorevna Family psychologist, child psychologist. Practical work experience: 8 years.
We want to love and be loved, we strive to create a happy and strong family, to live in abundance and prosperity. But before finding the perfect life partner, many of us are destined to go through a series of breakups. Some people perceive this as the beginning of a new stage in life and find the strength to move forward, but for others, a break with a loved one is comparable to a serious loss.
All will pass…
Of course, time heals even the deepest wounds. But in the present moment, it seems that it is simply impossible to continue living, since the brain is absorbed in memories of the past, and feelings towards the ex-partner are still as strong. As a result, we withdraw into ourselves, refuse to communicate with loved ones, surrender to the power of negative thoughts and anxious expectations, and get bogged down in a depressed emotional state.
Although now you don’t understand how to live on after a breakup, sooner or later the mental pain will pass. The main thing is not to give up and do everything possible to prevent this condition from leading to prolonged depression and leaving its mark on subsequent relationships. Life is not over, many interesting things await you ahead, including new, no less happy relationships.
If you are unable to cope with the pain of loss on your own, we strongly recommend enlisting the help of a psychologist. When breaking up, this is the best decision. Or at least take his advice.
If the breakup occurred suddenly and on the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to care for and control the other, then the experiences may drag on for more than a year.
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
Many people are interested not only in how to survive the breakup of a long-term relationship, but also how long it will take. Everyone is individual and experiences this difficult period in their own way. In turn, the intensity and duration of experiences directly depend on a combination of the following factors:
- type of nervous system;
- circumstances surrounding separation;
- the desire and effort you put into starting life over with a clean slate.
It is believed that full recovery from a rupture takes from several months to a year. However, if the breakup occurred suddenly and on the initiative of a loved one, and the relationship itself was characterized by painful dependence and the need to care for and control the other, then the experiences may drag on for a longer period.
It is much easier to survive a breakup with a loved one if both partners found the courage to admit that the relationship had exhausted itself, and at parting expressed gratitude to each other for all the good things that happened. Of course, this does not mean at all that people who are able to easily give another person the desired freedom and part peacefully are robots devoid of human feelings. They simply know how to find resources within themselves that support them in difficult periods of life and, after parting, experience bright sadness rather than unbearable pain and reluctance to live on.
Realize that relationships, in any case, cannot be a mission and goal in life.
- Social programming suggests that relationships are the most important component in life. That is, people make building relationships the main component of life. This is a very common thing that can be observed now.
- She is so Hollywood and from films or from some secret childhood dreams. It occurs in both men and women. And if you do not get rid of this illusion, you will still need advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with your loved one.
- There is another wrong belief among people . People come to their soulmate as if under the bosom of a tree from work or school with the conviction “but here I will feel good.” And if this happens in your head, then, as a rule, it does not live up to your expectations.
- Sooner or later, illusions will collapse . To some extent, people can create this illusion for each other, then it all just falls apart.
Relationships are definitely important.
In them we can realize ourselves, let another person realize themselves, establish emotional contact with a partner, make our life and his life easier.
But in general they cannot be a mission.
Relationships in any case cannot be a mission in life!
Illusions of girls
On the part of girls, this thing is present in their heads more often. And therefore, they more often need help and various advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with the man they love.
Girls elevate relationships to a higher rank because they have such a biological factor as family and children.
Your problem is that you needed to distract yourself from tightly clinging to relationships and making them a goal in life.
This will only make things worse for you, because sooner or later your illusions will begin to shatter, and you will again think about what to do when your loved one has left you.
Is it worth returning to the relationship?
Sometimes a man is not mentally ready to let the lady go and be left alone. He doesn’t know how to continue to be alone, so he is looking for ways to return his beloved and restore relationships. In some cases, this is the right decision; the beloved may say about breaking up under the influence of emotions after a quarrel. But it is important to understand in time whether this relationship is worth a second chance.
Perhaps the guy is driven not by love, but by other emotions:
- He is afraid to be alone. Believes that he will not build new relationships. In such a situation, a young man urgently needs to increase his self-esteem.
- Fears that the next passion will be worse than the previous one. Although more often the opposite happens.
- If your pride is hurt, new acquaintances and flirting will help correct the situation.
- If falling in love does not go away after breaking up, you should wait. Time is the best medicine.
- When the problem is a banal habit, it is important to realize that going back to the past is not the answer.
Don't let yourself fall into an emotional hole after a breakup
- It is very important when such breaks and critical moments occur, it is not to let yourself slide into an emotional hole. Some people become depressed. You can learn about ways to get rid of depression in another publication. They can last not one day, but even a week or two. This can really undermine you.
- Emotionally, the problem may be completely trivial. But, for example, a man can fall so emotionally into this gap that he has a desire to go to the mountains, become a monk and do nothing else in this life, or go headlong into business, forgetting about women altogether.
- Although in reality not everything is so serious . Anything can happen. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t make mountains out of molehills, and know everything about how to survive a breakup with a girl after a long relationship or many years of marriage.
Useful advice from psychologists
Most men react quite strongly to a breakup. There are very useful tips from a psychologist that will help everyone cope with shock:
- New hobbies - do not lose yourself under any circumstances. Each guy is an individual with his own preferences and hobbies.
- Do not look for those to blame - in any quarrel there are always two people to blame. Therefore, there is no point in looking for a reason in the behavior of only one person.
- Small joys - an interesting film or book, a delicious exotic dish - will undoubtedly bring pleasure and distract from problems.
- No communication with your ex - and no searching for information about her. Forgive and forget.
- Accept the fact that the relationship is no longer there and move on with your life. It's not as difficult as it might seem at first.
Breaking up a relationship is a difficult test for a man’s psyche, especially if the initiator is a girl. But this is not the end. Life is just beginning. The main thing is to analyze the mistakes and make efforts to not repeat them again.
What Your Brain Can Do to You: The Broken Record Analogy
- All your memories of past love , when everything was good, bloomed and smelled - it’s just an appearance. If that balance were preserved, then this would really be so. And this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a broken record, which is also broken.
- How is your brain playing tricks on you? When you had a breakup and there were a lot of mistakes that you don’t even really want to remember, your brain throws this broken record at you.
- In your head you yourself put on this broken record , where the smooth melody no longer plays, but an incomprehensible grinding sound, a pitiful semblance of a melody and only unpleasant sounds.
- This record no longer needs to be repaired ! You just need to find what you really need!
- There's no need to even try to go back . It's not worth it. Approach the situation soberly, and you will know everything about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.
How to overcome mental stress
First of all, give up endless self-analysis. You shouldn’t look for reasons or blame yourself for the breakup. Remember that a relationship lasts as long as both want it. No “one-goal game”.
Don't try to communicate with your ex. These attempts will not only look ridiculous and inappropriate, but will also make life more difficult for both. You can succumb to a moment of weakness - dial the number, hear the desired voice and calm down. And the person at the other end of the phone will be left alone with false hopes of getting you back.
The fewer reminders you have of past relationships, the faster you will be able to overcome stress and heal emotional wounds.
Allow yourself to leave forever: there is nothing left to decide, no need to cling
Let yourself go forever.
Understand that there is nothing and no one to resolve.
Some of you messed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.
No matter how painful it may be, give yourself the opportunity to leave forever.
Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.
Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.
Understanding this will close your worries about thoughts about how to survive the breakup of relationships with loved ones.
The danger of new relationships4
If thoughts about your ex-man still cause pain, you should not start a new love relationship until it completely passes. By breaking this rule, there is a danger of causing even more pain to yourself and the new young man.
Relationships to spite your ex or the desire to prove something will not help return love, they will only demonstrate weakness and dependence. Therefore, you need to try to understand your ex-man and come to terms with your breakup.
Make a choice to be cool and not needy, remove expectations.
- A non-needy person is one who does not cling to other people, is inclined to give more than to receive, and never expects anything from this life! Strive to be one.
- A person who is not in need does not think about what you will have in the future (even if there is a 99% guarantee, you do not tell others). You can say: “Yes, I have such plans...”. You're going to do it, but you're not living it.
- You take what you have at the moment , but you never expect anything to happen in the future - good or bad. It's useless.
- Those things that you can cling to in life can be so ephemeral and destructible .
- Your reality should not be based on something external!
A person who is not in need does not need both things and people equally! The paradigm is that they are with them, but there is no fear of loss at all!
A person who is not needy never asks questions about how to continue living after a breakup.
A strong person is only glad that weak people themselves leave his life.
It’s harder for a woman to live like this, but it’s possible. No need to cling to people.
Detailed principles of self-confidence for girls are also collected in another section on the site.
Women have a natural need for a man who will protect her, take care of her, they cling to men. This is their problem!
On our website you can also read another article on the topic of how to get rid of attachment and love addiction.
In the next six months or a year, completely change your perception of the relationship.
- After your breakup, don’t immediately cling to a new person and don’t try to make him yours for a very long time.
- This should not be confused with not communicating or getting to know anyone at all. No, you are still communicating and getting close to new people, enjoying the attraction between you.
- But there should not be this desire to make a person your property for some long time.
- You must remove the time frame into which you will begin to unknowingly drive a person.
- Live like this for at least the next six months after the breakup. Then, after six months, based on your inner feelings, you can again return to a long-term relationship with one girl (man).
A subtle point that needs to be implemented
Replace the desire to make a person your property with the desire to make him happy.
The best thing you can do for your partner is to let him live his life to the fullest, and you will be there with him whenever he and you want.
You still truly love your partner, but you don't try to keep him in any way.
You must live your own life and give your partner complete freedom of choice.
Implement this perception and no longer worry about how to get over a breakup with your lover or your secret crush.
You can also read about the psychology of relationships between a guy and a girl in a new publication.
The difference between healthy and unhealthy neediness
- There should be no boundaries or understanding that a person is yours. And then you can always go further in terms of developing your spirituality, your level of happiness and harmony.
- Yes, you may have a certain percentage of neediness in a new relationship, but this healthy neediness is when you just want to see the person (no matter how you spend your time). You just want to be together.
Results
In conclusion of everything written, it is important to understand one thing, even when in a couple and even more so after a breakup, you need to learn to let go of your loved one so that he feels dependent on emotional nourishment and returns in search of it. You cannot achieve a person through pity or threats. He may be nearby, but only physically and only until he finds an opportunity to escape. Respect yourself, accept without reserve, love, and then you won’t have to return anyone, since unnecessary people will leave, and you will be surrounded by those who deserve to be around.
Let's support in the comments those who are just learning to love themselves and not depend on others. Tell your story of love and the return of your loved one.
