Imagine a situation: you feel sympathy for a man, you start dating and agree to call him. But a week passes, and still no call from him. It seems to you that the initiative should come from him, because he is a man. But he still doesn’t dare call you. As a result, you call yourself, and as it turns out, he expected active actions from you.
Lately, we often hear that men have become less proactive and interested in relationships, that before they were more persistent and decisive. In fact, there is some truth in this. But this did not happen to all representatives of the stronger sex, and there are explanations and reasons for the changes. Let's try to figure this out.
In this article:
Why do men expect initiative from a woman? Who should take the initiative? How to motivate a man to start a relationship How to motivate a man to be proactive in a relationship
Why do men expect initiative from women?
Photo by Wesner Rodrigues: Pexels
It is believed that a man is responsible for courtship, showing signs of attention and initiative. In any case, that’s what the weaker sex would like. Previously, young people were more dominant in this matter. However, now, under the influence of changes in modern society, this is no longer considered an unchangeable postulate.
Let's look at what specifically influenced men:
- Upbringing.
Education is the basis for human development. Personal qualities, including attitudes towards women, are shaped primarily by the family.
As a rule, this is the example of the father. As well as knowledge, experience, moral principles passed down from the older generation.
If the mother is the dominant figure in the family, and the father is passive and inactive, most likely the child will absorb this model of behavior and will wait for initiative from his chosen one.
The situation is similar if the boy grew up with his mother and grandmother (parents are divorced). There is also a risk of raising a man who lacks initiative, if the mother and grandmother try to do everything for the child, not allowing him to make decisions. It seems to them that they convey care and love in this way, but in the future this negatively affects the formation of masculine qualities.
- Social influence.
This includes both the influence of friends and the influence of the media on the formation of a person’s position. If a man is subject to the influence of others, he can adopt an attitude towards a particular situation from the outside.
Let's say, having found himself in a company where young people are disdainful of women, he gradually adopts their point of view and begins to treat them the same way. Accordingly, when he meets his chosen one, he has no desire to care for her and achieve her.
The media also creates a distorted position, presenting women as treacherous “hunters,” which, as a rule, has no relation to reality.
- Character traits.
Personality characteristics can play a key role in the issue of initiative and determination. Personal temperament and character traits (natural or acquired modesty) are reflected in courage and self-confidence.
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The presence of modesty and shyness is not considered a disadvantage, because it does not characterize a person in a negative way. Perhaps he is shy only when meeting someone, but in life he is an active and good person.
- Changes in women's nature.
Men are not the only ones who have undergone changes. Women have also undergone transformations: they have become more self-sufficient, courageous, and more often strive for financial and psychological independence.
Having become stronger and more whole, they acquired a number of qualities that can repel a man. For example, self-confidence, assertiveness, lack of flexibility, having your own opinion. Not all men can respect and understand the existence of these qualities.
Psychologists have their own secrets
To help his patient, the psychologist decided on an unusual technique. He made an appointment with Anatoly under a false name. Anton Fedoseev introduced himself as a client who wants to consult a design office about the interior of a bedroom.
Anatoly did not suspect anything strange and began to conduct a consultation, offering various interior solutions. Anton Fedoseev listened attentively. Unexpectedly, he turned the conversation to another topic: “Anatoly Sergeevich, do you think the new bedroom interior will contribute to intimate harmony? In recent months, my wife has been complaining that in our marital relationship she lacks tenderness and affection, that sex only happens on her initiative. She even began to threaten me with divorce.”
Hearing this question, the owner of the design bureau suddenly turned pale and said quietly: “I’ll think about it.” The conversation was over. The interior designer never learned that the visitor was actually a psychologist who regularly counseled his wife.
But the visit yielded results. During her next consultation with a psychologist, Natalya reported that Anatoly began to change: he again showered her with compliments and took the initiative in bed. By the way, Natalya never found out that her consultant visited her husband’s design bureau. Psychologists also have their secrets.
Who should take the initiative?
So who should be the initiator, a woman or a man? There is no clear answer to this question. Women are sure that it is in the power of men. They are also sure that men are obliged to count the same as they do.
In fact, there has been some research done recently with mixed results. It turned out that approximately 50% of men believe that both partners must take the initiative in a relationship, and another 25% are confident that it is the woman who can take everything into her own hands.
It turns out, according to the results of this study, that only 25% of men want to be conquerors of female attention.
In fact, both should take steps towards each other. It’s just that a woman is able to do this in a somewhat sophisticated, cunning and feminine way.
I'm tired of being a supplicant!
“We have been married for twenty years. In the last one and a half to two years, I began to notice with alarm and bewilderment that marital intimacy occurs solely on my initiative,” 43-year-old English teacher Natalya shared her problem at an appointment with a psychologist. Her husband Anatoly is 48 years old. He is a charming, confident man with an athletic figure, plays a lot of sports, and watches his diet.
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After forty years, many representatives of the stronger sex have problems with potency. But Anatoly has passed this trouble for now: “My husband completely satisfies me in bed, over the 3 years of dating and the next 20 years of marriage, we got to know each other perfectly, studied every centimeter of the body of our loved one, got to know all the erogenous zones...”
It seems that nothing prevents Anatoly and Natalya from enjoying a happy marriage. But intimate life has recently given women more and more anxiety: “I’m tired of being a supplicant all the time! Tolik doesn’t seem to refuse me sex, but he doesn’t show any initiative, almost doesn’t give me compliments, and doesn’t try to caress me. I stopped feeling like a woman!”
How to motivate a man to start a relationship
If you like a man, you expect active actions from him in your direction, but he still does not show his sympathy, you will have to give impetus to the relationship yourself. To do this, you should not go on the offensive and build a plan for conquest.
Your task is to let the man know that you like him, and then everything is in his hands. How exactly to attract a man's attention to you?
- Be attractive.
Start with the external image. Be neat, neat, elegant. Try to be soft and unobtrusive in your communication. The main weapon is gaze. Thanks to a charming, sincere look, you can attract attention and also let a man know that you like him.
- Be open and sincere in your communication.
When communicating with a man, you should not play a certain role or pretend to please him. Be yourself. Simplicity and spontaneity attract decent and worthy men much more. It's a win-win.
- Let him know that you need him.
It is important for a man to feel needed, strong, capable of solving any problems for the sake of the fairer sex. Give him the opportunity to solve some of your problems, even if it is initially extremely small. For example, ask them to carry a heavy stack of papers or to open the door for you. Feeling strong next to you, he may want to look after you and be near you more often.
- Be open about your crush.
When a man doesn’t understand any hints, but you still like him and want to build a relationship with him, tell him straight out that you like him. This does not mean that he will always be indecisive; perhaps it is difficult for him to take the first step.
How to proceed
Learn to enjoy what a man gives you. Don't try to improve and transform everything. Enjoy the present moment and stop thinking about the future. This will give you a much greater advantage over others. Let go of the situation. See how the young man himself will act, what he will do to take your relationship to a new level. I'm sure it will be interesting.
I can recommend you the book “How to Love Consciously” by Thich Nhat Hanh. Thanks to her, you will learn to enjoy every step, enjoy every minute next to him, even the presence of a potential partner will evoke pleasant emotions in you.
How to motivate a man to be proactive in a relationship
If we are talking about an already established relationship in which the man does not seek to take steps forward, for example, does not call, waits for initiative from you, talk to him. Often a conversation can dot the i's.
It is worth understanding the reason for this behavior. If he is indecisive due to his views, he believes that a woman is obliged to look after and achieve him, then it may be difficult to build a mutual relationship with such a man, because you will always have to be the initiator in key events.
Or perhaps he just doesn’t want to seem intrusive or is afraid to disturb you. Having found out all the points that bother you, as an option, you will find an optimal and convenient communication scheme that will suit both of you.
It doesn’t matter which of you takes the initiative, because it doesn’t speak about the person’s characteristics. In relationships, what matters much more is how people know how to interact, talk and negotiate with each other. It is more important to focus on comfort and the desire to be together, and for this it is not necessary to get ahead of your partner in any matter.
Mirror of relationships
A couple's intimate life is a mirror of their relationship. Therefore, in order to help Natalya, it was important for the doctor to understand in detail the features and traditions of their family life. It turned out that Anatoly, who heads his own design bureau, is the main breadwinner in the family. Natalya earns her own living, but she has taken full responsibility for solving all household and organizational issues.
She not only irons her husband’s shirts, but also buys his entire wardrobe for him and even cleans his shoes every day. In this family, it is the wife who organizes vacations and repairs, and pays all the bills. Natalya makes all purchases - from furniture to groceries. She manages the family budget. When the daughters were little, dad practically did not raise them, limiting himself to a kiss before bed and buying gifts for the holidays.
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“Anatoly is very busy at work, in family matters he always relied on his wife’s opinion, never contradicted her and gladly accepted her care. This situation suited both spouses. But over time, everyday habits began to influence intimate life. Anatoly transferred the initiative to his wife not only in everyday matters, but also in intimate life,” the expert shares the results of his analysis. Of course, after many years of marriage, it is difficult to try to change family foundations. But Anton Fedoseev advised Natalya to try to involve her husband in the decision-making process, and to ask him more often for help in everyday matters. “Anatoly is used to living at home, like in a sanatorium with full board. Because of this, in his intimate life, he began to be lazy to take the initiative; he no longer wanted to “conquer” his wife again and again, to prove his love to her...”
He's just very polite
The guy you like may not make the first step, although external signs show his indifference, also because he is not interested in you at all, you simply considered his basic manners and friendliness to be flirtation and sympathy. There is nothing wrong with the fact that this happened. When we like someone, rationality fades into the background. But, if there is no invitation to a date or any other action indicating his intentions, pay attention to how he talks to you and rethink your expectations. It probably never occurred to such a guy that you were interested in him, because he was used to being open with people. If you hint that you like him, he probably won't keep you waiting for the next step. And if not, then you need to accept the cruel fact that he is not interested in you for a relationship, and continue pleasant communication further, because friends have never bothered anyone.
He keeps you in reserve
If flirting for a guy is innocent fun, then he probably allows himself such actions not only with you, which means you can be a backup option for him. He doesn’t give up the prospect of having something more with you, but he also doesn’t let you get closer, expecting a more interesting option.
His logic is quite obvious, the girl he likes more than you, for some reason, does not reciprocate, or does not give a definite answer, so he does not miss the opportunity to insure himself in case of failure.
Considering that girls can also behave this way in a similar situation, there is nothing wrong with the behavior of a guy who keeps you in reserve, but, of course, it is unpleasant to realize this, especially if you are giving your attention only to him, while he is looking at different options. If you are not embarrassed by the prospect of being with him under such circumstances, then continue to stick to your line, but even if everything works out, you risk ending up in a relationship with a guy who likes to flirt not only with you. Otherwise, leave this idea and don't waste your time, considering that recognizing such intentions on a guy's part is easier than the others listed above.
