7 golden rules for happy families: advice from a psychologist and “golden” couples

What does a happy family mean?

A happy family is a family in which mutual understanding, warmth and love reign. In a happy family, spouses sincerely love each other, resolve issues together, experience joys and sorrows.

After work, family members rush to home; they have common interests and a desire to do things for the benefit of loved ones. They are successful and happy with life. In such a family, children grow up in an atmosphere of harmony and love. They are playful, carefree and have unlimited trust in their parents.

What should a happy family be like? In a family, partners play two roles - spouses and parents. In a happy marriage, these hypostases are equal and balanced. As psychologist and writer Irina Rakhimova explains in her book “Mistakes in Family Life,” in a happy and deep relationship, spouses find time to read together, walk, watch a movie or discuss events. When partners devote time to each other and spend leisure time together, their lives are filled with positive emotions and experiences.

Psychotherapist-sexologist, specialist in the field of family building, writer Artem Tolokonin believes that family life has 4 main components:

• Lifestyle;
• children;
• sex;
• money.

Each of them is important and is considered in conjunction with other factors. As the author writes in the book “Secrets of Successful Families. The view of a family psychologist,” a family can be happy when love is the foundation, and in all other components the spouses have found mutual understanding and achieved harmony.

There are common characteristics in psychology that indicate that spouses, spouses and children have harmonious relationships.

Secrets of a Happy Family: Pixabay

By what signs can you recognize a happy family? Here are some features of such a union:

1. Mutual support. In a strong and happy family, spouses, without fear of being misunderstood or ridiculed, share their worries, worries and thoughts, and ask for help or advice. They know that any endeavors will be supported by their partner.
2. Confidence. Psychologist and writer Andrei Logus in the book “Infatuation, Love, Addiction. How to build family happiness” writes that without special trust, spouses cannot have a sense of kinship, physical and spiritual unity.
3. Respect for personal space. The publication Psychologies notes that partners in family life determine personal boundaries together, adjust them and change them if necessary.
4. Harmony in sexual life. A family is happy if both partners are satisfied with their sexual relationship. Happy spouses do not avoid intimacy, but experiment in bed and receive physical and psychological release.
5. Communication skills. Writer Bruce Feiler in the book “Secrets of Happy Families. A Male View” says that in a happy family, all its members talk about different topics. The manner of communication is always clear, open and honest, even if they disagree with each other.
6. Joint leisure. A common hobby, playing together, going out into nature or discussing a film after watching it in happy families brings true pleasure to children and adults, helps them discover their talents and see the best qualities of their loved ones.
7. Financial arrangement. In happy families, both spouses are confident in their partner’s responsible attitude towards finances and completely trust each other in matters of the family budget. This is important because, according to Bruce Feiler, one of the most common causes of conflict in families is finances.

Family life and periods of crisis

Psychologists have identified periods that are dangerous for family life, during which its destruction is most likely to occur.

Statistically, during these “critical days,” many families collapse. And a lot depends on the behavior of the spouses during this period. A crisis in family life, according to many psychologists, occurs after a month and a half, six months, two and a half years, four, seven and twelve years.

Each “age” of family life has its own reasons for aggravation of relations. I hope that warning married couples about the presence of normative crises in family relationships will help many families avoid family destruction and reduce the “degree” of the severity of the situation.

How to build a happy family?

It is impossible to achieve family happiness without hard daily work on relationships. As relationship coach Pavel Rakov writes, the main secret to building happy family relationships is to solve the following problems:

1. Emotional. Everyone in the family should openly share their experiences and feelings and provide support in difficult life situations.
2. Educational. Both parents take an active part in the development and formation of the child’s personality.
3. Economic. Spouses are satisfied with family wealth and form a correct and responsible attitude towards money.
4. Sexy. Partners have a harmonious and multifaceted sex life that satisfies both.
5. Social. Parents interact with the child and prepare him to enter social life.

How to build a happy family: Pixabay
How to solve these problems so that all family members are happy together? Here are recommendations that will help achieve mutual understanding and build a happy family:

1. Accept your partner for who he is. Psychologist and writer Anatoly Nekrasov in the book “Marriage is Dead... Long Live the Family!” writes that the highest manifestation of love is to give the partner the opportunity to freely express himself, make choices and gain experience. A family cannot be happy when the personal freedom of one of its members is oppressed.
2. Assign roles. Doctor of Pedagogical Sciences, Professor Oksana Prokhorova explains that the inconsistency of spouses in fixing the position of husband and wife causes contradictions and hinders the achievement of family harmony.
3. Talk to each other about your sex life. As psychology professor and writer John Gottman writes in the book “How to Keep Love in a Marriage,” sexual satisfaction for both partners can only be achieved by discussing sexual desires, sensations and preferences.
4. Express your feelings towards your partner openly. The publication Psychologies recommends expressing admiration and recognition of the merits of your spouse every day.
5. Discuss relationship problems together. When conducting such a conversation, speak and listen in turns. Express your complaints delicately and give examples. When you listen, do not judge, blame or make excuses, but try to understand what exactly caused the concern, and then look for constructive solutions and compromises.
6. Take a shared parenting position. When children see their parents disagreeing on issues of upbringing, they begin to manipulate their father or mother in order to achieve their goals. Discuss parenting issues together, come to a common opinion and always stick to the chosen direction.
7. Agree on the distribution of finances. It is important that material issues are resolved in such a way that the spouses feel comfortable, and the distribution of funds does not cause resentment, feelings of injustice and deprivation.
8. Realize that conflict is an important part of the development of any relationship, and its absence does not guarantee happiness. Disputes are needed so that spouses can find a compromise and learn to understand each other. Don’t harbor grievances, talk about them with your partner, and, having found a compromise, forgive sincerely and forever.

How to build happy family relationships: Pixabay
Creating happy family relationships is a daily work in which both spouses must participate. Take advice from experienced specialists, be consistent and persistent. Then soon happiness will settle in your home and remain there forever.

Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/relationship/1816329-scastlivaa-sema-kak-zivut-scastlivye-suprugi/

Family life - the first crisis

The first crisis comes after a month and a half of living together. Constant communication between spouses and close daily contact in everyday life leads to the fact that the “pink veil” falls from the eyes. Spouses begin to notice each other's shortcomings, annoying little things and insignificant details.

It is extremely easy for spouses to find a reason for resentment, quarrel, or scandal during this period. This could be: an interested look towards the opposite sex, and an innocent joke about his wife’s figure or his masculinity, or critical remarks about newly-made relatives. Here the gap is not far away.

Psychology of women in marriage and their needs

It is important for a woman in marriage to feel completely safe, to feel confident that her husband will make serious decisions, will always support and help cope with problems. She wants her lover to pay attention to her experiences, thoughts and dreams. When a man does not want or cannot understand the inner world of his soulmate, the woman withdraws into herself, feeling unnecessary, flawed and lonely.

Women always appreciate compliments, but many men give beautiful words to their beloved only during periods of courtship before marriage. Words of admiration for them seem meaningless, because the main proof of love is already in the passport. She wants romance and surprises, to feel wanted, and not like a housewife tortured by everyday life.

Set boundaries

A family is a unit of society that consists of a husband, wife and their children. Nobody treats her anymore. All other relatives (fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers and others) are only a part of a large family. You shouldn’t let them into your life too deeply or try to please them in everything. If your parents don’t like something about your other half, but you are happy with everything, then you should tell them about it and gently ask them not to interfere in the relationship. You should also not allow relatives to look into closets, rearrange things, or read mail, unless, of course, you ask for it yourself.

After the birth of a child, a new grandmother very often practically moves into the house. She constantly comes up with advice on how to properly care for the baby. However, family rules state that boundaries must be set. For example, let the grandmother visit her grandchildren on certain days. You can ask her to do specific things: walk with the baby, stroke diapers, and so on. This way grandma will be busy and there will be less unnecessary advice.

Family life - the second crisis

Six months later, another reason for misunderstandings appears, which can also lead to the collapse of the family. Very often during this period the family ship crashes against the rock of everyday life. Spouses get sucked into routine. Life has not yet been arranged.

Constant household chores, mood swings, ordinary unattractive family everyday life. Many people have financial problems. Increased demands are placed on work, since now a man needs to feed not only himself, but also his wife, and in the future, a third family member.

Responsibility constantly weighs on one or both spouses. The margin of safety is running out, relationships are gradually deteriorating or breaking down. Young people, not having time to get used to each other, not having become a full-fledged family, disperse.

Family life - the third crisis

After two and a half, three years of family life, sexual attraction weakens even among loving spouses, and the production of hormones of joy and happiness decreases.

Psychologists advise spouses to separate at least for a short time during this period of time in order to maintain the intensity of passion. Business trips, trips to relatives apart, weekends spent in different places can be a blessing during this period of time.

But the first condition is: the separation should not be long, so that the spouses do not have time to wean themselves off each other. The second main condition: meetings after separation should be joyful and stormy.

Family life - the eighth crisis

Twelve years of family life have passed.

Why do families that have survived all previous crises still fall apart?

Psychologists explain this by the fact that this period often coincides with a midlife crisis in men. The midlife crisis in men is that there is a reassessment of values ​​and they have a desire to start all over again, using the accumulated experience.

Feelings had time to cool. Family life is most reminiscent of the winter season: everything is smooth, smooth, clean, and - incredibly, cold. Both spouses suffer because the joy of communication is gone, and there is no prospect of reviving anything. It seems to the spouses that family relationships have reached a dead end.

It is very complex and dangerous - a mid-life crisis, as it is also called. But this is not the last crisis in the life of the spouses.

Compromise is also a solution

A strong family is one that knows how to resolve conflicts, and not one that does not quarrel. Therefore, in disputes there is no need to stand your ground. The best option for a marriage is to think in a win-win way. That is, try to find a solution that will suit everyone, and not just one.

For example, you started a renovation. One spouse liked the floral wallpaper, while the other liked the striped wallpaper. There is no need to quarrel over this, look for a third option. Or you can cover one half of the room with striped wallpaper, and make the other half floral. You will get an original design with zoning.

Family life - the fourth crisis

Four or five years of family life passed. All this time, the young couple were actively engaged in arranging family life and comfort, raising their first-born.

The birth of the first child changes everything in the family. The wife becomes the mother, the husband the breadwinner and breadwinner. The marriage bed is in a state of calm. This period is very difficult for the family. A severe test of love takes place.

The husband does not see attention from his wife that is worthy of appreciating his efforts to support the family. Many men do not want to be in second place after their child.

It is during this period that men begin to search for happiness on the side and rush headlong into new romantic relationships. The initiators of divorce during this period are husbands.

Family life - the fifth crisis

Seven years of married life have passed

Why does the next crisis come after seven years of married life? What is this magic number?

Neither doctors, nor sociologists, nor psychologists can explain this. Doctors suggest that this is due to the cyclical nature of renewal processes in the human body, this also applies to his psyche - seven years.

After seven years of marriage, people feel the need for a new relationship. Psychologists believe that a paradox occurs. Family life is completely settled, and what is surprising is that it is the monotonous stability that begins to irritate the spouses.

It is women who file for divorce more often after seven years of marriage. What does a woman want at this moment? A woman desires colorful variety in life, the realization of all her talents, and successful professional growth.

No one owes nothing to nobody

It is wrong to reduce family obligations to the word “should.” For example, “I work all day long, and you just sit on my neck,” “I’m like a squirrel in a wheel, spinning around the house,” “You’re a husband, and I’m looking forward to romantic evenings with you.” The list can be endless; similar phrases are heard in many families.

You need to understand that no one owes anyone anything. This idea simply needs to be included in the family rules. If you are tired, ask your loved ones for help. If love and care reign in the house, it will not be difficult for anyone to wash the dishes or throw out the trash instead of someone else. If you want romance, you don’t need to wait and demand it from your husband; it’s enough to organize a pleasant evening yourself.