You don't have a romantic partner or children. You live in your apartment alone, maybe with a cat or dog. If this is not the case, imagine yourself in such a situation. Now imagine what you say to relatives, friends, colleagues and just casual acquaintances: “I’m alone, and I like it.” Most likely, no one will believe it. Everyone will think that you are simply denying the pain that loneliness inevitably causes.
Even if they believe you, they are unlikely to pat you on the shoulder approvingly. Here is confirmation from an interesting experiment. Participants were given short biographies of single people to read. Some described themselves as happy people who chose to live alone. Others found their loneliness painful and admitted: they wanted love, they were just unlucky. The attitude towards loneliness is the only thing that distinguished loners, who were actually invented. But the participants who read the biographies did not think so. They rated people who chose life without relationships as more lonely, unhappy and selfish.
Do you want more concrete evidence that single people are not very popular? According to statistics, when renting an apartment, owners give preference to a married couple over a person planning to live without a partner. Other data shows that men who live alone have lower salaries - by 19-26%. These figures are cited by sociologist Bella DePaulo, who herself chose a single life for herself and is researching it. DePaulo's goal is to prove that being alone is great, and the only bad thing is the stereotypes that surround loneliness. And that we believe in them.
Confusion and fear
Left without friends and loved ones, everyone feels sadness and discomfort. Serious changes, separation, family drama - all this is accompanied by a change in lifestyle. Man by nature is a social being. It is difficult for him to be isolated.
Many individuals have no idea how to live alone. The thought of this makes them afraid. Fear prevents people from making good choices. Forces you to maintain a relationship even when there are no more feelings left. As a result, the individual takes away time that she could spend usefully. If communication with your partner causes negative emotions, you need to stop it.
Reasons for female loneliness
It was not by chance that nature created a man and a woman as a couple. To develop, multiply, continue life on earth.
Therefore, if a person is lonely, something has gone wrong. Temporary solitude is the norm. For example, if you need to think about something, understand, rethink. But if loneliness is prolonged, you need to look for its root cause.
1. Parental settings . The woman received experience from her mother that it is quite possible to cope with difficulties on her own.
My parents divorced and all the difficulties fell on my mother’s shoulders. She managed to combine raising a child, career growth and self-development, showing her daughter by her example that this is the norm.
Yes, deep down she wants to love and be loved, but outwardly she needs to seem like a strong woman.
After all, she has before her eyes a negative experience of communicating with men: dad left, hurt mom.
On a subconscious level, the daughter develops attitudes: “I don’t need a man,” “I can do everything myself.” She has no natural need for a man, which means she has no resource that she can offer him.
2. Traumatic experience . The young girl, open to men and the world, dreamed of love. And she got burned when she experienced the first pain: he cheated, abandoned, hit – there are many options.
A defense solution is formed: refusal of the man in order to avoid repetition of the pain. The man turns into danger.
There is a fear of getting burned again, of repeating a negative experience. The girl simply does not allow the guys to get closer, to enter her field.
The man does not know that she was once offended. He goes to her to love and be loved. And they answer him: “I don’t believe you.” And the man constantly has to prove something to her. Relationships are unclear, short-term and do not bring the desired result.
3. Lack of experience with dad . The father did not take any part in raising his daughter, so she simply lacks knowledge about the nature and functions of a man.
Going out into the big world, a girl is afraid to meet guys. She wants to give love and receive it in return, but fear blocks her attempts.
These are the main reasons for female loneliness.
The man immediately thinks: something is wrong with her. He will not figure out why and how it lost its natural function, but will simply turn around and leave.
Stressful state
Not everyone is able to perceive loneliness correctly. This feeling causes a negative reaction in both women and the stronger sex. Many people believe that life without a loved one or friends has no meaning. Feelings of loneliness provoke discomfort and fear, and this is normal. Experts say that this condition is a stressful situation. Nevertheless, it gives a person an excellent opportunity to unwind, work on his own personality and look at life calmly, judiciously, as if from the outside. It is important to find a reasonable balance between the time spent with others and the minutes and hours that the individual devotes to himself. Avoiding loneliness at all costs is not a good idea. After all, this is how you can end up in a society of dishonest people. Some individuals have a circle of distant acquaintances with whom they constantly communicate. But this often leads to serious problems.
Losing the meaning of familiar things
Lonely people become so accustomed to their condition that they sometimes plunge headlong into it, completely losing the meaning of previously valuable things. For example, someone refuses to start a family or stops dreaming about fatherhood/motherhood. There is only one argument: “It’s not bad for me alone.” But such a change in outlook on the world leads to prolonged loneliness and increased depression.
Often loneliness “eats” a person’s productivity - he becomes lazy, loses his job and loses the motivation to earn money for a living, which is why he slides into poverty. There are also opposite examples, when single people immerse themselves in their careers - in this case, they deprive themselves of family happiness and entertainment. In addition, excessive passion for work is fraught with emotional burnout, which gives rise to even deeper depression. Vicious circle.
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Relationships are also stressful
Many people, after breaking up with a partner, wonder how to live alone. Parting leads to feelings of discomfort, sadness, and emptiness. But relationships are also a source of unpleasant experiences. After all, partners often quarrel and worry about each other. When a person is alone, all negative experiences disappear. There is a chance to lead a calm life and restore the nervous system.
There is a lot of free time that you can spend not on your partner, but on yourself. Therefore, there is no need to be afraid of this condition. It is important to try to use it to your advantage.
There is an opportunity to live by your own rules
Being alone is an opportunity to live the way you want. A person becomes independent from the opinions of others and their plans - this is good. With the right approach, this is a step towards development and success. If it is wrong, there is a sure road to degradation and worsening living conditions.
Overall, loneliness is not as bad a condition as some may think. Moreover, every person should visit it, because otherwise there is always a risk of never getting to know the real one, not realizing personal desires and life goals.
But what to do with negative consequences? It is important to simply prevent them from occurring. To do this, you need to make sure that the state of loneliness does not drag on for a long time, because otherwise it will completely absorb the person.
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A reason to think about life
Is it possible to live your whole life alone? The answer to this question depends on the personal characteristics of the individual. Some people feel great without loved ones and friends. But if this condition depresses a person, it can be dealt with without entering into a disordered relationship.
Loneliness is a reason to rethink life. Some are afraid of this phenomenon due to lack of material support. Others complain that there is no one to help them solve problems, to listen, to give advice. Still others begin to consider themselves unattractive to people of the opposite sex. Loneliness is an excellent reason to get rid of such complexes. Often the feeling of uselessness begins in childhood, when parents devoted too little time to their son or daughter and did not take into account the interests and needs of the little person. Sometimes this feeling is due to the fact that the individual puts himself above other people and closes himself off from society.
Some people deliberately refuse to communicate, fearing a repeat breakup or betrayal. Being in isolation, a person is afraid to admit to himself his experiences. But they need to be extracted from the subconscious. It is for this that a person should use the free time that he has due to loneliness.
Classification of the condition according to the criterion of life circumstances. Situational and chronic loneliness
Psychologists who adhere to this division of loneliness into categories emphasize: in most cases, loneliness for a person is a temporary state. Sometimes it can be an unpleasant feeling of abandonment due to a canceled date or a failed meeting with a friend. Loneliness lasts longer after a divorce or due to the death of a loved one. In this case, it can torment a person for months and years.
Psychologists call loneliness that arises for objective reasons situational. It is provoked by a certain situation - the inability to be close to a loved one, the emergence of a conflict or death. But if the feeling of abandonment does not weaken over time, such loneliness is called chronic. It means that regardless of what happens, a person feels abandoned by everyone.
People with low self-esteem, modest, and withdrawn suffer the most from chronic loneliness. Getting rid of this type of loneliness is more difficult than situational loneliness. Usually in these cases it is impossible to do without long-term work with a psychotherapist.
Life planning
Left without communication, a person often begins to feel sorry for himself. There is no need to give in to this feeling. Complete loneliness gives a person a chance to occupy his free time with new hobbies, to try something he has never experienced before. Some change jobs and start interesting projects. Others enroll in courses that have been put off for a long time. All these activities allow the individual to properly organize his free time and not succumb to melancholy. In addition, they provide a chance to make new friends. Despite all the disadvantages of this condition, loneliness helps you get to know yourself better and reveal previously undisclosed talents. Experts recommend making a list of things in advance that a person would like to do in the near future, and gradually implementing plans. After all, he will have enough time to bring to life even the most difficult project.
When is isolation harmful?
On the other hand, living alone often causes a person both mental and psychological pain. As a rule, people subject to moral loneliness cannot enjoy life, they are followed by a feeling of their own worthlessness, they often experience defeat, worry greatly about any little things, being almost always in a crowd, but at the same time feeling empty. Often this type of loneliness manifests itself in adolescents, and they, as a rule, are most susceptible to this due to their unstable psyche. This depressive state takes away their strength and destroys their ability to value themselves. Some people believe that such people are losers, although this may not be the case. After all, situations are different, just like people, so you shouldn’t rush to conclusions.
Feeling lonely in a couple
Sometimes partners who have been married for several years notice that they have nothing to talk about. They are simply nearby out of old habit. Relationships have lost their meaning, and people feel lonely together. This feeling is often encountered by couples who got married to meet society’s expectations and to conceive and raise a child. Many partners live according to this model. Loneliness together suits individuals quite well; they do not consider it a problem. But there are times when a man or woman feels that their other half has changed a lot.
The couple no longer has anything in common. After all, during the period of falling in love, partners consider each other ideal, and then are often disappointed. In a relationship, it is important to maintain constant interest and avoid boredom and laziness in feelings. You should not adapt to your partner or try to change him to suit you. Happiness in love is achieved through self-sufficiency, exclusivity, and understanding. Common plans, goals and interests help to avoid boredom and distance. How to avoid loneliness together? First of all, it is necessary to discard the illusion that the family is a guarantee of peace and emotional stability. You should switch your love to your own personality, contact nice people, find time for interests and hobbies. If difficulties in a couple cause discomfort and are a source of stress, it is recommended to consult a psychologist (alone or together with your chosen one).
Happiness doesn't always come with marriage
Another powerful argument against living without a relationship is that happiness studies usually conclude that married people are much happier than single people. One of them even showed that married people have an easier time surviving a midlife crisis. The fact is that for most of us, life satisfaction declines around age 40 and then begins to rise. This results in a U-shaped graph. And for married people, the decline on this graph in midlife is not as deep as for single people.
But here's what's interesting: there are studies with the opposite conclusion. Singles turn out to be happier—or at least no more unhappy. Where does this contradiction come from? Bella DePaulo explains that simply comparing the happiness levels of married and single people is wrong. We don't take other factors into account, such as income and health. Moreover, correlation does not always imply causation. What comes first: happiness or marriage? Maybe happier people just get married more often, rather than getting married making them happier.
Studies also usually compare two groups of people: those who are currently single and have never been married, and those who are now married. It turns out that single people dreaming of a relationship are included in the sample. But the happiness of those who are divorced is not taken into account. At the same time, many marriages end in divorce: in 2021 in Russia, out of 770,800 marriages, 564,000 divorces were registered. This means that the results of studies of the happiness of married and single people are systematically distorted.
If you consider these claims, marriage no longer seems like a win-win way to become happier. This is what happened when scientists conducted such an analysis. People were asked to rate their level of happiness before their wedding, immediately after, and some time later. They did the same with divorces. Immediately after the wedding, people feel a little happier, but quite quickly their sense of subjective well-being returns to normal. Those who get divorced are more unhappy immediately after than before the divorce. But they quickly become as happy as they were in marriage. And sometimes even happier.
DePaulo doesn't see this as a solo triumph. We're talking about something else: that you won't become happier every day just by connecting your life with someone. It’s worth remembering this when you want to explain your sadness by external factors: “I’m unhappy because I don’t have a other half” (many do just that). Otherwise, you will be very surprised that a partner has appeared, but there is still no happiness. Or it comes, but doesn't stay long. Which is absolutely normal: the same will happen if you get your dream job. No matter how significant an event is, no matter how violent a reaction it causes, after some time we inevitably return to our usual level of happiness.
How to deal with loneliness?
First, you should decide on your own desires. A person must understand what he wants most at the moment: spend time with himself or arrange his personal life.
If there is a lack of communication, you need to engage in social activities. Friendships can relieve feelings of loneliness. Experts also advise purchasing a pet. In addition, it is necessary to develop such qualities as goodwill, trust, and openness.
You need to try to be interesting to yourself. To do this, it is recommended to spend time in solitude, dream a little, think about your plans, and devote free minutes to understanding the world around you. Relaxing treatments (a hot bath with aromatic foam, listening to calm music, reading books) will help you take your mind off sad thoughts and everyday worries.
Experts also advise trying various relaxation techniques.
How to live alone and not experience negative emotions? To get rid of unpleasant experiences, a person should calmly realize and analyze the accumulated problems and find the optimal solution to the difficulties that have arisen.
What will happen if everything is left as is?
1. Nothing will change . If a woman does not make any attempts to change or improve her life, she will remain in her armor.
If this is a “me myself” program, she will decide everything on her own and will not allow men to enter her field. But you can’t fool nature; she wants to be loved.
Imagine: a man comes into your life and says, “I want to love you and be loved.” And you want this, but you answer: “Prove it to me. I can do everything myself. Prove that you can be there for me."
Why does he need this? He simply came to love and be loved. He doesn't know about your fears, blocks, traumatic experiences. He doesn't want and doesn't have to prove anything.
2. Fear will increase . Time passes, life passes, and you will hope and live in illusions that the prince will come. Rich, gentle, smart, beautiful, understanding...
One that does not exist in nature. Meanwhile, fear blocks your attempts to meet a man, you will continue to simply passively wait for the fairy-tale hero.
There are no princes. There are ordinary earthly men who have their own fears, complexes, and blocks. Don't expect him to be a superman.
For example, a successful businessman or banker a priori cannot be soft and fluffy, otherwise he would not achieve anything. These are our illusions.
Alarming symptoms
Some individuals are simply unable to live without communication. They fear possible social isolation. Such people are constantly looking for contacts with others. But at the same time they feel that communication does not bring them positive emotions.
If this condition occurs, you should seek help from a psychotherapist. In addition, you should not ignore symptoms such as depression, thoughts of suicide, drug use or alcohol abuse, phobias, and panic attacks. These signs indicate the presence of a mental disorder. You should consult a specialist if feelings of loneliness arose due to childhood trauma, the loss of a loved one, or a break in a relationship with a lover.
Misunderstanding on the part of colleagues
Take, for example, a situation where a young man or woman has been obsessed with science all his life. The person successfully graduated from school, then received one or more higher educations, and got a job that can rightfully be called a favorite one. However, relationships with colleagues did not work out, and even communication with them at work began to cause unbearable discomfort. As a result, he did everything to remain alone with science. Therefore, in his free time he feels terribly lonely and helpless.
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Undesirable actions
Many representatives of the fairer sex suffer from lack of communication much more than men. How can a woman learn to live alone? Some girls escape from this condition with the help of social networks. However, this method further increases the feeling of isolation. If you want to spend time in the company, it is better to call a friend or relative or find a community of similar interests. You shouldn’t replace social life with watching TV movies. They are no substitute for real communication. However, one should not go to the other extreme - becoming dependent on others. Having found ways to live alone, a person feels comfortable both in society and without it.
No communication - degradation begins
Loneliness presupposes a lack of communication with other members of society. This state of affairs can ruin a person’s life even in a short time. Degradation begins inside it, which only intensifies and becomes more noticeable over time.
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It is important to understand that a person develops throughout his life, and communication is the basis of this process. Sooner or later, a person who has spent a long time alone begins to notice that his speech has become somehow incoherent, sometimes he cannot even express his thoughts in words.
In some cases, degradation manifests itself through the emergence of addictions. Someone begins to have problems with the nervous system (for example, a person becomes emotionally unstable).
Is it possible to feel alone in a family environment?
Feelings of loneliness in the family are not uncommon. When a person lives among those people who do not share his interests and views on the world, life under the same roof becomes very difficult, even if these are immediate relatives. It is recommended to work through the feeling of internal vacuum together with a psychologist to find out its true causes. If a person does not know how to build relationships with family members, then establishing a communication process with family and friends will help overcome this problem. If you can’t establish contact, perhaps you should think about living separately. Ultimately, no one is obligated to satisfy a person’s spiritual needs. If your mother, father, or spouse is acting distant, it may be time to think about other people who can help fill the feeling of emotional emptiness.
Kleinenberg identified four main reasons for this phenomenon:
1. Changing role of women
- today she can work and earn on an equal basis with a man and is not obliged to consider family and childbearing as her destiny.
2. Revolution in communications
- telephone, television, and then the Internet make it possible not to feel cut off from the world.
3. Mass urbanization - it is much easier to survive alone in the city than in the rural outback.
4. Increased life expectancy
- many widows and widowers today are in no hurry to enter into a new marriage or move to their children and grandchildren, preferring to lead an active independent life
The impact of loneliness on health
Scientists have found that living alone causes not only psychological, but also physiological stress. An acute state of loneliness, in which a person experiences depression, provokes the following negative consequences:
- Deterioration in the functioning of the immune system due to increased levels of cortisol (stress hormone).
- Increased blood pressure. Risk of developing cardiovascular disorders.
- The risk of developing psychosomatic disorders of various organs and systems.
- Increased risk of Alzheimer's disease.
The problem of modern loneliness is a factor that is seriously beginning to worry scientists. Researchers from the University of Chicago estimate that loneliness is no less dangerous to health than obesity or smoking. Lonely people have an increased risk of developing Alzheimer's disease. This condition also negatively affects the emotional-volitional sphere and reduces the desire to adhere to a healthy lifestyle.
Loneliness - a sentence or a way of life?!
A few years ago, having passed my 22nd birthday, I began to feel burdened by a lonely life, a bachelor’s apartment, where no one is waiting for you, no one meets you when you return from work... I really wanted the warmth of home that comes from a living being nearby. I remembered the friendly life in the hostel. I ran away from my loneliness - I stayed late at work, met with girlfriends, friends, spent time in cafes, exchanged lonely hours at discos, but all of the above could not drown out my spiritual need. And it was scary to give up your principles, even more difficult when your friends know about these principles and are betting whether everything will be this way or that way - I planned to get married at 27 years old. The struggle between soul and mind... This is familiar to many...
In the end, I found the best solution - I got myself a white Persian kitten. Not a person, but still a living soul... The house was illuminated with light, but not for long: the Cat turned out to be a demanding, jealous tyrant spouse. If I was late at work (for a good reason!), my cat would tear up the walls and shit at the front door, but if I arrived on time, he was kind and affectionate. Males were not welcome in our apartment, and if anyone violated the ban, he left with damp shoes. When He appeared... yes, I immediately realized that it was HIM, I gave the cat to my dad. And two years later I was already the mother of two children. There is no time for loneliness here anymore, thank God...
Wondering what loneliness means to people, I conducted a small survey:
Marina is about thirty years old, has never been married, and claims that her loneliness is her lifestyle. She answered my question figuratively: “As you know, an atom has three degrees of freedom, and a diatomic molecule has four degrees, that is, there are four degrees of freedom for two atoms. When connected, they lose one degree each. The same thing happens in marriage. And I don’t yet see a person for whom I could sacrifice my freedom.” This means, Marina, loneliness is not a lifestyle for you, but a forced state, since you have not yet met the right person.
Emma, over thirty: “Loneliness is a lifestyle that I don’t want to change yet. But if I want, I can easily change it.” I was pleased with the respondent’s optimism, which, unfortunately, I can call false, because from one source I learned that Emma (out of happiness?!) places profiles in dating services, visits discos “Who are over 30...”. But the fact that she doesn’t show her despondency is also a plus. Smile, even if your soul is crying: smiling people are more attractive... And contentment with loneliness is just a myth, the most ordinary self-defense...
Karina, about forty years old: “Loneliness... I don’t know... This is how the circumstances developed, well, I didn’t meet my soulmate - I take it for granted. For me, loneliness is more of a habit. But I don’t believe that this state can be considered a lifestyle; it only happens to Buddhists, gurus, and hermits.” Sincere answer. Fleeting sadness in the eyes. But Karina struggles with loneliness - she attends a dance club and goes to the pool. God willing, I'll meet you again...
Irina, 25 years old: “Now I have my fill of work. There is no time to fight your loneliness. And my family could interfere with my career.” Unfortunately, it is human nature to think that family is an obstacle to career growth. But if you look into the situation, there are always several ways out... And you can successfully combine both career and family... You don’t have to run far for examples - take a closer look at the women living nearby. Are there really no SUCH among them?
Anna, over forty: “At one time, I chose and chose everything and was left alone. If I could scroll back through my life, I would change a lot.”
Leonid, over fifty: “Thirty or twenty years ago I thought that for complete human happiness I needed to realize myself in my profession. He condemned those who, having barely graduated from school, fled to the registry office. And now I think, FOR WHOM I built my career, if I come home and it’s empty... Everything acquired in life is not happy if there is no continuation of your life.” No comments.
As an illustration of another category of singles, I quote a poem by Alexander Blok:
You lived alone! You weren’t looking for friends And you weren’t looking for fellow believers. You mercilessly stabbed a sharp knife into a heart open to happiness.
“Crazy friend! You could be happy!..” - “Why? In the midst of stormy bad weather, We still cannot preserve Undying happiness!”
The hero is clearly afraid of happiness, assuming its possible loss. Loss is one of the variants of destructive pessimism. And if you have this, you know, you won’t go far... You need to fight first with pessimism, your phobias, and then with loneliness...
Perhaps for some, loneliness is still a way of life, but over the years it turns into a heavy burden. A lonely person, looking back at his past, sees emptiness; lifting the curtain of the future, he sees the same frightening emptiness.
And special praise and gratitude to those who, faced with loneliness, did not become confused and dedicated their lives to an adopted child. How many of them are unfortunate, who are also no less lonely...
Tags: loneliness, psychology, lifestyle
