How to save a family on the verge of divorce: practical steps and tips

Even if divorce from your husband seems inevitable, you can still save the relationship—and you don't have to drag your spouse to a therapist to do it. All you need is a push for change—and a little time. This is exactly what happens in families that have experienced a divorce and then resumed their relationship: a strong shake-up prompts the woman to change after the divorce - and the man reacts to this. Don't believe me?

One day, 16 years ago, my husband Paul came home in the evening only to announce to me that they were breaking up. He declared that our relationship was over and resolutely walked towards the door. And, you know, I was not surprised that my husband decided to leave. In those days, everything between us was worse than ever; suffice it to say that he called me the Snow Queen. However, I reacted very strangely.

After his words, I became hysterical. Before this incident, I had not cried for ten years, and this drove me crazy. I heard from someone that when a serious relationship breaks up, some people break down, while others open up. It must have been the latter for me, because due to the intensity of the pain and despair, I felt a surge of love for Paul that I had never experienced before.

Previously, when listening to love songs, I always considered them just poetry, unrelated to real life. And then I suddenly realized that such love for another person can actually be felt and that this is exactly what I feel for Paul. I was gripped by a new, unfamiliar fear - the fear of missing out on the chance to experience such love again due to the fact that I had made many mistakes.

And then, not yet having the skills to maintain relationships, I did the only thing I could think of at that moment - I asked Paul to give us a second chance. I said that everything he said about me and our relationship was true. I said I didn't know if I could fix everything, but I would do everything in my power to at least find out if it was possible.

I asked him for another chance. Thank God Paul decided to give it to us that evening.

As a personal development oriented person, I immersed myself in learning everything there is to know about men, women, relationships and intimacy, and was shocked to the core to learn how much was wrong with Paul and I in my relationship because... that I didn’t understand how men work. I also discovered that my habit of relying on anyone other than myself was cutting me off from what I most wanted from my husband.

And I have changed. I found ways to interact with Paul that respected gender differences and brought out the best in him and me.

The most surprising thing is that at that time Paul did not read books about relationships with me or go through any programs; I did it alone. And yet he, too, changed - in response to the changes taking place in me.

About a year later, noticing my transformation, Paul asked what I was reading and what he should learn, as he was very inspired by the change in me. It made him feel like a better man than before, he said, and now he wanted to do his part, too.

Why do people get divorced

The husband and wife need to figure it out and understand why they want to separate. The investigation should begin by looking for the reasons. Although every couple is unique, problems in relationships always develop according to similar scenarios and have similar causes:

Cheating is the most common reason for breakups, even among loving couples. The pain of betrayal is so strong that many are unable to overcome it and move on.
Frequent conflicts and quarrels are another factor that can lead to thoughts of separation. A favorable atmosphere in the family is the main condition for happiness and mutual understanding in a relationship.

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Alcoholism and other types of addictions also lead to separation. An unhealthy hobby of one of the spouses affects not only the relationship, but also the quality of life. Addiction destroys all areas of life.
Lack of understanding of what is happening in relationships and lack of knowledge about how they can be restored. Due to the fact that the spouses do not see it possible to correct on their own what does not satisfy them, they decide to break the connection. But this is not a solution, because without understanding what is happening, you can encounter the same problem in future relationships.
Lying destroys mutual trust - the foundation of a happy marriage. Divorce can be delayed for a long time, but it will still happen sooner or later, because deception does not provide the opportunity to get closer and be happy.
The discrepancy between life goals is the reason why there is no point in working to restore feelings. For example, if one partner wants children and a house outside the city, and the second wants to devote his life to travel, then a full-fledged family will not work.
In the case of protracted financial or housing problems, relationships can also collapse. If the spouses are unable to agree and reach a compromise, a breakup is the only way to improve the situation.
A popular reason for divorce is cooling of feelings, lack of mutual sympathy. For example, dramatic changes in the appearance of one of the spouses.

Often, separation is the result of long-term dissatisfaction with sex life. Passion leaves the relationship, so partners no longer want intimacy.
Excessive interference in a marriage by relatives, such as parents-in-law, is a common cause of divorce, especially if the spouses live together.
Lack of attention to each other, too different interests and hobbies lead to cooling and loss of love. As a result, divorce becomes only a factual confirmation of the lack of real intimacy.
Dissatisfaction and disappointment in relationships due to inconsistency in everyday habits, views on raising children and other disagreements in which it is not possible to reach a compromise is another factor that provokes separation.

After discovering the root causes of a protracted crisis, you can understand how to restore a relationship on the verge of divorce. This will help you find the right direction and develop your plan to save your marriage.

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What human needs are satisfied in marriage?

The desire to get a divorce never just arises in either a woman or a man. For some reason, you got married and started a family, and at one time your man chose you for such a serious step, and you chose him. What has changed now?

Relationship breakdown and problems arise when one or both spouses in the relationship do not have vital needs met.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow once identified several groups of people's needs and created a structure according to which the degree of their importance and priority is organized within our personality.

The first in importance are physiological needs. This is the need for food, water, sleep, rest, sex. These needs directly affect a person's life.
Next comes the need for security. A person should feel comfortable and not fear for his life and physical integrity. The productivity of his existence directly depends on this.
The need for belonging and love. This need is also very important. If a person does not feel needed and loved, then his existence also becomes joyless and meaningless.
The need for respect and honor. This is the need for careful attention to the personality of the spouse. If we apply this to the family, then it is the need to feel the value of one’s contribution to family life.
Cognitive needs. The need to learn something new, develop, look for new ways to solve old problems. In a marriage, it sometimes happens that one of the spouses, due to their characteristics, may prevent the other person from engaging in activities that develop him. In this case, someone who cannot satisfy this need in order to maintain a relationship has the prerequisites for the development of neurosis.
Aesthetic needs. This need arises in a person or develops fully only when he has already satisfied the others.
The need for self-actualization. At this level, most often a problem in a relationship arises when a spouse is jealous of his or her other half’s activities.

Together you can try to understand what needs are not being met in the marriage and discuss ways in which you can help each other with this. It is also important to understand the fact that not all needs and expectations from family life correspond to reality. Often, especially in youth, expectations are drawn from the parental family. And also from various myths about marriage and social stereotypes.

If one spouse wants a divorce

Regardless of who initiates the separation, if one of the partners wants a divorce, the other is not able to do anything alone. To restore harmony, joint efforts and mutual desire are needed. But not everything is so hopeless. The partner who wants to save the marriage has the opportunity to influence the situation. The advice of a psychologist will help him with this:

it is necessary to begin constructive communication;
you should find out why the partner initiates the divorce;
It is important to say about your readiness to change, to make the relationship better.

You can involve a family therapist in working on relationships. Even if it is not possible to save the marriage, psychotherapy will make the separation less painful and will also help to avoid a repetition of the situation in the future.

Tips for women

Family is a huge value for women, so they are often ready to make concessions to avoid divorce. It is possible to influence your spouse’s decision; to do this, you need to take several steps:

Take care of your external attractiveness.
Try to rekindle the extinguished fire of feelings.
Do not impose, give the man the opportunity to analyze and make decisions on his own.
It’s worth whetting your husband’s interest and making him fall in love again.
It is important to forget about claims and criticism.
You need to start paying more attention to your relationship and your spouse so that he feels valued and important in a woman’s life.

It is a woman who is able to create the most favorable emotional atmosphere in a marriage, so her actions will not remain without results. But if the spouse has already made the final decision, it will be extremely difficult to convince him. In such a situation, there is no question of choice - to get a divorce or save the family, because the partner does not want it.

Tips for men

If a wife wants a divorce, and a man wants to save the family, he is also able to influence his wife’s decision. Overcoming problems in a marriage is the responsibility of two, but the husband is able to change what he can. Here's what a man can do to protect his family from divorce:

find out what exactly does not suit your spouse;
give her more attention;
make her feel loved and valued;
give her what she lacks.

You can do something alone so that a family on the verge of divorce does not fall apart. If the wife notices positive changes in the man, she may reconsider her decision.

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How to know if your marriage is worth saving

Before you start trying to save your marriage and take your relationship to the next level, you should think carefully about whether the game is worth the candle. Marriages are different, and if the relationship has reached a dead end, sometimes separation is the best way out of the current situation. However, it happens that separation is the biggest mistake that spouses who love each other but are confused in their family situation can make.

To understand which solution will be best for your specific case, first of all, try to understand what you really want.

It will be very useful to go to a good family psychologist.

If this solution is not for you, then you can try to figure it out yourself. Sit in a quiet place. Take a pen and paper, divide the sheet into two parts. In one part, write down all the advantages that marriage gives you. Important: the advantages and benefits are only for yourself. Not for mom, not for dad, not for children. Only for myself. How do you feel in this relationship, what does this relationship give you. In the second column, write down the cons of the relationship you are currently in. Analyze in detail what happened. Every point. Decide for yourself which points you can put up with and which are unacceptable to you.

Once you have made a decision, you should invite your spouse to do the same. If, having understood yourself, you decided to save your family, then you should take steps to improve your relationships and get out of the crisis.

If both want to save the relationship

A protracted crisis is easier to overcome if the couple starts working on it together. You can save a marriage when both husband and wife want it, as follows:

start spending more time together;
pay attention to each other;
restore romance, arrange surprises for each other, go on dates;
join forces to solve everyday problems;
agree to discuss any problems and not be offended;
stop criticizing each other, changing the pretentious tone to a constructive style of communication;
find common interests and common ground;
eliminate routine and boredom from relationships;
harmonize sex life.

When two people are working on a relationship, it is important to learn to reach a compromise. These are solutions that do not completely satisfy anyone, but are the arithmetic average. The ability to give in is the basis on which you can build a happy marriage, even if the family is already on the verge of divorce.

Lack of attention

The couple's busy schedule leads to shifting priorities. Spouses get so bogged down in solving everyday problems that they stop being interested in each other and forget about basic signs of attention. If a wife and husband want to save the family, then it is worth reconsidering their attitude towards marriage. To do this you do not need to have any specific knowledge or skills.

It's simple - you can make your tired wife her favorite tea and help with housework. The wife may begin to become more interested in her husband's affairs and offer support and care. Elementary simple signs of attention in everyday life can save a marriage on the verge of divorce and even make it happier.

Extra control

Married relationships should be close, but without violating personal boundaries. If a husband or wife wants to divorce, the family can be saved by changing the attitude towards the partner’s personal boundaries. Excessive control is a sign of a trust deficit and low self-esteem. It is possible to eliminate this negative factor - you need to start working on developing trust and increasing self-esteem.

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Tips for saving relationships

When the question arises of how to save a relationship, the first thing that needs to be done is to adequately analyze all the positive and negative aspects. You need to understand what was more in the relationship, and find the very stumbling block because of which everything began to collapse. If you cannot do this on your own, it is best to contact a qualified specialist - a family psychologist, who will certainly help in this situation.

Also, in order to understand how important the relationship is for each of the partners, you can live separately for some time. This will help each partner rethink the importance of the other half in their lives, get bored and begin to appreciate what you have. It will be very useful to have a frank conversation, find a problem together and think about its solution.

If, despite all the hardships and disagreements, the partners feel good and comfortable next to each other, and all problems are based solely on the everyday level, you can add long-forgotten romance to the relationship. Go on a date or go on a romantic weekend trip just the two of you, for example. In general, a great practice is to have at least one romantic date a month without children or other people.

What not to do

All efforts aimed at avoiding a divorce from his wife and protecting his family can be annulled by mistakes made in the process. If the husband wants to save the family, you should not shift responsibility for problems in the marriage only to him. It’s the same with a spouse—in an unhappy marriage, there is no one person to blame, both partners are responsible. There are other mistakes that can provoke a deterioration in relationships and speed up divorce:

silencing complaints, unwillingness to speak openly about them;
unwillingness to give in or compromise;
mutual reproaches and complaints instead of a constructive search for solutions to problems;
reluctance to take the initiative in reconciliation.

Relationships cannot always be restored. You need to be able to understand when everything is over and stop in time, without wasting your emotional resources on futile attempts.