We have prepared for you a very free translation of a very long publication by the popular English-language blogger Mark Manson, dedicated to long-term relationships and marriage.
Mark asked many people who have been married for more than 10 years and do not plan to get divorced, what is the secret of a strong family. The responses he received showed that all happy couples are happy for the same reasons.
The article will be useful to everyone who cares not only about their career, but also about a full-fledged relationship with the right person.
Reason #1: Only get married/in serious relationships for the right reasons.
Many of those who have already been divorced and remarried explain that their first marriages ended in divorce because they were entered into for the wrong reasons. They can be very different: pressure from family and friends; feeling that it's time for you to settle down; the desire to be a beautiful couple because you look good together; a naive thought, as if it were heaven with a sweetheart and in a hut... All this seems logical. But it only seems, because there can be only one reason for getting married: you should just want to be close to this person - that’s what people with experience say.
The only thing that really works is sincere admiration for each other. But, as often happens, getting married so that someone can make you happy is a direct sign of codependency. And this has never made anyone feel good.
Achieve a healthy balance of freedom and teamwork
Keep in mind that we cannot force anyone to be with us or love us. We shouldn't ask someone to stay when they want to leave.
Likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship. In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship is doomed to fail from the start. Because the most important thing in the union of a man and a woman is the feeling of freedom.
Relationships are also based on working together on them. And since love is one of the greatest means of personal growth and joy in general, then try to make sure that this happiness is complete.
You will achieve much more by working with a partner than by doing everything alone. It really works, you just have to believe it.
The strength of a relationship depends on the degree of invested strength and feelings of each partner. Don't be afraid to invest more into your relationship than your loved one, perhaps they will see how hard you are trying to improve your life together and will do the same.
And remember that your relationship will not always be 50/50. And in those moments when your partner is tired, sick or exhausted, you must give all 80% in return for his 20%.
In the future, you will be treated with 80%, when you are ready to give only 20%, or even less. A healthy relationship is when two people are ready to take full responsibility and sometimes work for both, without proving that they are better or stronger.
Reason No. 2. Don’t have false hopes.
Often when lovers get married, they think that they will forever maintain the intensity of feelings, and when the intensity of emotions subsides, they think that the family is falling apart. Love is a strange thing. When our heads are spinning, we are ready to forgive our partner any mistakes and turn a blind eye to shortcomings. But this will not last forever, a few years at most. And then the puppyish delight with which we look into the eyes of our loved one disappears. And as soon as the thrill of love passes, you don’t need to think that love has passed and you are on the verge of divorce. You just need to learn to love a person for who he is, respect him and be happy that he is nearby.
True love is a choice: to be with a person, despite the circumstances, despite the fact that he does not always make you happy. It's difficult, but it's also valuable.
Reason #3: The most important thing in a relationship is respect.
People who have been married for 10–15 years most often say that the most important thing for a strong relationship is to communicate with each other and talk openly about everything that worries them. However, those who have 20, 30, 40 years of marriage behind them say that the most important thing is respect for each other.
The fact is that conflicts in couples are inevitable, and we hurt each other's feelings, no matter how much we want to avoid it. And the only thing that will help you stay together is mutual respect, the feeling that you value each other above all else, trust each other and trust that your partner will do what is best for both of you. Just don’t forget that you also need to respect yourself. For both you and your other half.
Reason #4: Be honest about everything
And yet you need to talk, especially about what hurts you. If something doesn’t suit you in a relationship, you definitely need to say about it: when we talk frankly, it creates a feeling of trust, thanks to which intimacy is born. It may hurt, but you still need to do it, because no one will fix your relationship except you.
Trust is also needed in order to cope with such an unpleasant feeling as jealousy. We all need to understand that a partner may have other interests, he may communicate with other people, and we should not get angry when we see him talking to someone else.
Maintain your independence
We cannot control our sympathy - “you can’t order your heart” - that’s what they say. But you can still control your need for someone else’s sympathy to a certain extent. You do understand that sympathy (or even love) and dependence are different things?
If you read the article carefully, you could catch a single outline that permeates all the rules - the idea of the value of maintaining one’s own integrity and independence, so that relationships do not become a plug from one’s own fears.
The importance of independence is difficult to overestimate - only with it are at least relatively easy and joyful relationships possible. And relationship addiction kills with a whole arsenal of means. Below I will list only the most common ones. I will repeat here and there.
Dependence leads to jealousy and a sense of ownership , encourages you to strangle your partner with control and suffer yourself from the fear of being betrayed and deceived by a mug.
The dependent partner loses his mental balance , his mood chaotically dances to the tune of the partner’s attention and disposition. I talked about this in more detail in the article about happiness in relationships and hobbies.
A dependent partner loses his attractiveness because he is perceived as a mentally dependent child who does not arouse passion. It is independent self-sufficiency that looks sexy. And intimate relationships with an addicted partner begin to have a hint of incest.
Addiction devalues all other joys of life , and there are fewer and fewer resources left for friends, work, hobbies and hobbies.
Dependence encourages you to increase your rights to love and attention , which usually leads to dislike and inattention. I already talked about this above.
Dependence leads to a rush that is destructive for relationships - you want to get enough of your partner and dissolve in him without looking back. As a result, the stages of rapprochement, which take months at a comfortable pace, are simply skipped. And in proportion to the ardor of the hasty rapprochement, the blatant incompatibility of the partners is revealed. Intensive grinding can be too painful, and all rosy joint plans with hopes have to be buried along with the relationship.
Addiction plunges you into a drama woven from the fear of a possible unbearable loss. In this situation, the partner’s company is perceived not as one’s own choice and free will, but as a forced and tense transaction. This is roughly how all the ease of making ends meet disappears from a relationship. Here, addiction often leads to a situation where it is unbearable both with and without a partner.
The list goes on.
How to gain and maintain your own integrity and independence? This is what most of all the principles and rules voiced in this article are about. Below I will describe a few more.
Reason No. 5. Healthy relationships occur in healthy individuals.
In any marriage, you have to sacrifice something for the other person. But the problem is that if a relationship is maintained only because someone gives up their interests for the sake of the other, it will sooner or later end in a breakup. A relationship based on sacrifice is doomed.
Healthy, happy relationships can only be maintained by healthy, happy individuals. The key word is “personalities”. This means that people should have their own ideas about themselves, personal interests, their own hobbies to which they devote time.
Reason #6: Leave space for each other
One of the most important things in a relationship is not to completely melt into each other. The secret to success is different bank accounts, different credit cards, different friends and hobbies. Even vacations can be spent separately. Some of those who gave advice to newlyweds even suggested using separate bathrooms and toilets, but in Russia this is difficult to do.
This sounds strange - indeed, many are afraid to let go of their partner and give him freedom. And all because people lack trust - they are not confident in themselves and their relationships. We often think that if we let a loved one go somewhere on their own, we will find that he no longer needs us. Unfortunately, failure to let go of our partner means we don't respect them. And this means that we do not respect ourselves. After all, can we seriously think that our wife or husband will be taken away from us at a corporate party?
Take criticism soberly
Often during a quarrel, people play a game: “whoever is last is right” - if they try to accuse you of something, you try to answer immediately so as not to remain extreme and guilty.
Usually partners don’t even listen to what their opponent tells them; they are fixated on their grievances and on quickly laying out their entire stock of counterarguments. Wouldn’t it be more correct to listen to what doesn’t suit your loved one, and instead of inventing your grievances, try to understand the problem? Perhaps our partner is right about something, but we close ourselves off from him, afraid to admit our guilt. You don’t argue with a doctor when he directly points out your problems - poor posture, excess weight, don’t tell him nasty things like: “Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” So why do we allow ourselves to behave this way with our loved ones, because they definitely do not wish us harm and, pointing out our shortcomings, try to make us better?
Reason #7: Be prepared to change.
When people have been married for more than 20 years, they may find that they have changed a lot from what they were two decades ago. Be prepared for the fact that in 20 years you will wake up and discover that the person lying next to you is not at all the same as before, and then you will need to learn to love him.
Of course, this will happen if you allow your other half to be themselves, do their own thing and develop in their own direction - and you do the same yourself. But when you change, do not forget to discuss what is happening to you - then you will be able to both respect and accept each other.
No games with feelings
Too often we complicate our relationships. Difficulties begin when... Conversations become primitive, feelings become subconscious, sex becomes monotonous, and the word “love” has long disappeared from your dialogues.
Relationships become tense when trust disappears, honesty and frankness fade into the background, uncertainty in a partner becomes a matter of course.
You feel offended and run away from solving problems, considering this the only salvation in the cycle of days. The first and truest rule is stop ignoring problems and start solving them!
When faced with any troubling issues, try to correct the current situation, communicate, appreciate what you have, forgive and love the people around you. They really deserve it.
Of course, if you feel that someone is playing with you or your feelings, do not be afraid to end such a relationship, because it will not bring you anything good in the future.
Reason No. 8. Learn to quarrel correctly
We already know that quarrels in couples are inevitable, but we need to sort things out correctly. There are several rules that cannot be broken. First of all, you cannot criticize your partner’s personal qualities: no “you’re stupid/stupid” - only “you’re doing stupid things.” In a conflict, you shouldn’t take a defensive position like “I wouldn’t have done/did this if you hadn’t...”. It is forbidden to impose feelings of guilt on your partner. And, of course, you shouldn’t refuse if a loved one wants to speak out: running away from a quarrel with the words “that’s it, I’m not going to discuss this” is a sure way to break the relationship.
Reason #9: Master the art of forgiveness.
It’s hard to believe, but even in the strongest families there are insoluble contradictions. There are problems about which we will never agree with each other, and the only way out in this case is to come to terms with it. And this is also a matter of respect for each other.
The fact is that if we allow each other to remain ourselves, then we will inevitably have different positions on some issues. Political views, for example: yes, there are couples who broke up due to different views on Russia’s position on Crimea or Syria, but, honestly, is it possible to get a divorce because the person you love votes for or against Putin? You cannot impose your opinion on another person, and if you try to do this, then you do not respect him.
Reason #10: Allow yourself little pleasures
Going to the cinema together, having lunch together during working hours, going for walks on weekends - these may seem like little things, but they are what make you a family. If you devote all your time only to organizing your life together, go shopping at hypermarkets on weekends, and discuss bills and payments at dinner, sooner or later you will turn from spouses into neighbors.
Pay attention to the little things: holding hands at the movies, saying “I love you” to each other before going to bed, remembering to close the toothpaste tube or not throwing things around if it annoys your partner - all this will help you once again emphasize what you value and respect him.
What steps can be taken to return the former spark:3
- Make simple pleasant surprises, give gifts for no reason.
- Write messages with nice words, poems, photographs.
- Have a romantic dinner.
- Offer to take a bath with foam and candles together.
- Organize a massage evening.
- Introduce an element of play into intimate relationships.
- Invite your partner on a date.
- Go on a romantic trip.
If your partner is surprised and wary of the changes, there is no shame in admitting that you value the relationship and want to “renew” it. But the efforts must be mutual; if the partner does not want to work on a long-term alliance, there will be no result. Here you need to understand what exactly you want and whether your partner meets the requirements.
Having found out what rules should be in a relationship for a long-term happy union, you need to analyze whether they were observed previously. If not, you will have to work on the mistakes. The joint efforts of the couple will certainly lead to a positive result - a happy union of two loving hearts.
