This article is part of the One on One project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
Meeting a person who will awaken your feelings is much easier than maintaining a warm relationship for many years. But there are couples who succeed. What helps such people stay together despite everything?
We talked with Elena, who has been married for 26 years. She told us why daily tenderness is a necessary ritual, what you shouldn’t say even during a terrible quarrel, and what to do if you feel tired of your partner.
Elena
She met her future husband at a student disco and has been living with him for a quarter of a century.
Common interests
You and your partner will spend a lot of time together, so it's great if you like similar things. For example, my husband and I met at a disco when we were students, and we still have the desire to go dance and have fun with friends. We also love to walk in the Zhiguli Mountains or periodically go with tents beyond the Volga. We don’t have to persuade each other to do this or that type of leisure or argue about which performance to watch.
When we started renovating the apartment, we discovered that we have similar tastes: we like the same wallpaper, furniture, paintings. This helps to avoid a huge number of conflicts.
But it is impossible to be perfectly similar, so in any case you need to learn to negotiate, discuss and give in. If you feel that some moment is of great importance for a person, but it is not so important to you, you can agree, and not resist to the very end out of principle.
Desire to be a family
All families have difficult periods, but both partners must have the desire to overcome difficulties. Some people believe that if they don’t see eye to eye, then they should just look for a couple elsewhere - and that’s how the relationship falls apart. However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.
There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband worked constantly. Interests diverged and problems began. I felt that we were separating from each other: I was cuckooing at home, and he continued to live a full life, build a career, meet different people.
When my husband and I started living together, we had mutual complaints against each other: he believed that I devoted little time to him, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We argued about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this I would have free time so that we could watch some program together or discuss what happened that day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the emotions that were raging inside.
If you are a family, you need to agree on how to maintain the union and move on with your life.
If you've just started dating and feel like your eyes aren't sparkling, maybe you shouldn't try to revive something that's not there. But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, breaking up is the easiest, but not always successful option. We were on the verge of a break: we thought that it would be easier to separate. But now I feel especially satisfied and happy that we overcame everything and were able to save the family.
What to do if life overwhelms love
Often marital relationships become boring due to monotony. But you can regularly pour a fresh stream into them and you should start only with yourself. Wives need to remember how attractive and feminine they are. They should take care of themselves regularly and dress up more often.
Relationships with your spouse cannot be left without regular surprises, flirting, and dates. If you do all this, the forgotten feeling of falling in love will flare up again. Another good option is to try new things in the sexual sphere. Get rid of complexes and self-doubt! Do not take your intimate life too seriously, because it is necessary for pleasure.
Willingness to discuss intimate life
When we are young and in love, all thoughts are directed towards intimate relationships. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime - the passion is so strong. Over time, this will change, because the daily hustle and bustle takes energy and time. But you shouldn’t distance yourself from intimacy because you’re busy at work or caring for children.
In many families, there is dissonance: one partner needs more sex than the other. It was the same with us: my husband wanted intimacy more often. At first, this caused mutual reproaches: in this case, the man thinks that his wife does not want intimacy, and the woman feels that he is encroaching on her personal space and does not allow her to simply be with herself.
We managed to reach an agreement. When the husband has a desire, he speaks about it directly. If I am not ready to share it fully, then we can satisfy the need without special emotions and fireworks. He accepts it and is not offended. If the desire is mutual, then everything happens more emotionally - as much as your strength and imagination allow. As soon as we resolved this issue, the relationship took off.
In Europe, couples discuss when they plan to have sexual intercourse during the week. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because this way you can choose a time when each of the partners feels more free and rested to spend the evening with your loved one.
Couples who don't have sex usually say, "We live like neighbors." This is a sign that partners have lost touch and no longer feel close. If something is bothering you, talk openly. People are different and your needs may not be the same. Intimate life needs to be discussed and agreed on what is acceptable for both of you.
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