Partnerships are something that many people dream about, but almost no one has ever seen, says family psychologist and psychoanalyst Irina Kamaeva. Let's figure out what a partnership is, what skills you need to have, what ways to know in order to be in this relationship. And is it worth striving for them?
We propose to consider various models of partnerships. So let's take a very simple continuum from to to to. On this continuum, on the one hand, we place the attitude towards a marriage or business partner as a means. And at the opposite end, accordingly, is the attitude towards the partner as a value. Let's consider all types of alliances sequentially: dominance, manipulation, rivalry, partnership and commonwealth.
Domination
In this union, the attitude towards the partner as a subject prevails. Such relationships are based on the dominance of one of the couple.
Dominance is the attitude towards a partner as a thing, a part of oneself, something that does not have independent thinking, its own feelings, its own goals and achievements.
Unfortunately, a huge number of parents treat their children this way. Precisely as a part of themselves, that “piece” that will realize their goals, objectives, expectations, fantasies. It's the same in marriage.
In such unions it is often found:
- domestic violence,
- psychological abuse,
- hyperdominance,
- merger,
- codependency.
The desire to possess, control, decide for..., gain unlimited power, control is completely typical for partners.
People who are prone to dominance are absolutely stereotypical in their ideas about marriage. You can often hear phrases from them: “A man is a man, but a woman is no one,” “eggs don’t teach a hen,” “children have no right to...” and so on. Everything stereotypical is appropriate here: a woman should bake pies, greet her husband with a smile, dress up the children for his arrival. And imposition, suggestion, domination, punishment without any rewards, up to and including the use of gross coercion, is a common story in such families.
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Basic mistakes
Partnerships in business do not tolerate mistakes. This is fraught with loss of economic benefits, decreased profitability of the company or its collapse. You need to know what mistakes participants in such relationships most often make.
One of the common mistakes is the company owner’s unpreparedness for partnerships. He feels his power, which he does not intend to share. In this case, it is better to forget about such relationships. Partners make important decisions together. At the same time, it will not be possible to conduct business as before.
Another mistake is the lack of a clear understanding of what traits a partner should have. You need to clearly formulate your requirements. You need to know what a particular business needs, what weaknesses the owner of the company has, what he lacks to increase the profitability of his organization. Involving a partner should give more profit than without his participation in the company's activities.
It is important to clearly set the goals of such cooperation. This will allow you to determine what profile the ally should be characterized by
He may be required to provide capital, intellectual property, etc.
It is recommended to develop a strategy for future cooperation. The level that is planned to be achieved as a result of attracting certain resources and knowledge that the partner has is determined. All organizational nuances are also thought through and detailed contracts are drawn up. They need to provide for all the main situations that may accompany such an alliance.
Manipulation
The second format of relationships in a couple is associated with manipulation. At the same time, the attitude towards the partner remains the same, but is hidden behind a mask. If during dominance the influence is open, then during manipulation it is hidden. One of the partners does not take into account the interests of the other, but if during dominance he directly demonstrates this, then during manipulation he hides his true intentions.
When a psychologist has to tell a client that a partner dominates, but hides it, the person cannot believe it. Manipulations can be quite thoughtful and sophisticated. More complex moves, communication techniques, and negotiation options are used here than with dominance. But in both the first and second options, a person wants only one thing - to achieve his goals, to take into account only his interests.
Selecting a partner for marriage
A separate question marks the choice of a person with whom such a relationship is possible, in which the only responsibility is happiness. However, there is no specific scenario for selecting a suitable option. Obviously, it is not possible to build such a relationship with every potential spouse.
At the stage when the marriage has not yet been concluded, you can try to find out the views of a potential partner regarding:
- sharing all expenses;
- joint upbringing of children, distribution of all responsibilities for their care and supervision;
- prospects and plans for the future;
- classical form of marriage, traditional division of responsibilities;
- the roles of wife and husband in the family, etc.
If you want to create a partnership, you will need broader thinking and views on the roles of men and women than in a conventional union. This is not available to everyone. For example, if one of the parties was brought up in an atmosphere of strict division of responsibilities and roles between parents, then it will be quite difficult to change their view of the situation
In addition, in a partnership, it is important to have a single vector of movement, goals and aspirations of the spouses. This will allow us to resolve any disagreements mutually and create a system of partnerships in the family.
Rivalry
The favorite, adored format of relationships in marriages (and one that is almost never realized) is rivalry. It can manifest itself in anything: in the struggle for power, for who controls and manipulates better, who is more valuable, who needs whom more.
The main game of this not very free relationship is competition.
The interests of the partner are taken into account only in the format or to the extent that the other needs. For example, “I will take into account your interests, but only as long as they do not interfere with mine. If they attack, we will fight, and if they do not contradict each other, we live peacefully and coexist well.”
The question is that in a lot of areas and in a lot of daily moments, the interests of partners may not align. Each of the fragments can be discussed separately for hours to figure out what it is. In rivalry, there are also a lot of subtle manipulations, there are also rough ones, but the most important thing is that there is constant competition between partners.
All of these dysfunctional relationships are quite strong and stable. Perhaps this stability is not needed, but it is there.
Family phrasebook
Even if the problem really exists, it is worth calmly sorting it out. By causing a scandal and quarreling with a loved one, you can only make the current situation even worse.
Read more: If a wife earns more than her husband. Psychologist's opinion
When sorting out relationships, you should not raise your voice to your loved one. Yelling will definitely not achieve compromises in family life. A calm tone sounds much more convincing. Mutual claims will not save a marriage, but if you treat your partner in a friendly manner, you can achieve a much better result.
Your husband or wife cannot be wrong in everything, because there is something good in your life together and you need to see these positive moments. For example, a husband met his wife after work, helped carry heavy bags, and played with the children. Or, for example, a wife was late at work and didn’t have time to cook dinner, but on her day off she baked her favorite meat pie, didn’t the hostess deserve praise?
A friendly tone will not provoke the interlocutor. A scandal can be avoided if you do not initially pursue the goal of creating one. There are ways that will help you talk to your husband or wife calmly and at the same time convey the necessary information.
Partnership
What we all want to know about is partnerships. The ones people always ask about: what is it? The main features of partnerships: both partners are equal, each has their own interests, goals and objectives. Moreover, they can be different or the same. There is a desire to always negotiate and re-negotiate.
To create partnerships, it is important to practice individual skills. You need to devote time to this, because this is a negotiated, actual relationship. When discussing each new task in marriage, in the family you need to be able to negotiate, clarify your own interests, the interests of your partner and your common interests, understand where they differ, and, taking all this into account, build relationships.
Partnership is a good format of relationship. What's so difficult about this? The fact that we have minimal negotiation skills, and even fewer negotiation skills in the family. Even if you have negotiation skills outside of your family, you almost never use them in relationships.
Because it is common to think that when we love each other, we must, without agreeing, understand each other’s feelings.
It is not customary in our families, in our culture, to negotiate in marriages. Even when you explain the rules of agreements to a person, he will immediately ask: “What about love?” For some reason, agreement is opposed to love for us.
The main ways of interaction in partnerships are negotiations, finding common ground and changing agreements as necessary.
Freedom and harmony
The relationship between a man and a woman is a purely personal matter. Those. the communication model is adjusted only by the couple themselves and over time it, of course, can be modified and adjusted. A couple can adhere to family canons and more conservative views (sex only after marriage, a man is a breadwinner, a woman is a keeper of the hearth, etc.), but they can also throw away these old stereotypes and how it “should be” and live in their own way. pleasure.
Generally speaking, partnerships are any kind of relationship, but the main priority here is equality, i.e. complete absence of hierarchy, subordination or double standards. The main tool for resolving issues is the ability to negotiate, talk about the things you want to get, but also take into account the desires of your partner.
Commonwealth
An ideal and complex, but nevertheless the best format of relations is called the commonwealth. The Commonwealth is higher and more complex than a partnership. There is an interesting point in it. Marriages based on the commonwealth are early marriages, youth marriages, I call them child marriages. When you get married at 18–20 years old - you are students, you can be poor, happy, in love. You have quite a few resources, but the sooner you will join the community. The value of each other at this time is isolated from all everyday, material and any life-task problems, but as soon as they come, the commonwealth collapses.
Late marriages or not first marriages are characterized by the fact that we never enter into a community. We are those people who have experience behind us, including negative agreements and renegotiations and marriages. There are accumulated resources, many life goals and material things. It is ideal in such marriages to someday come to a commonwealth.
The role of children in a guest marriage
It is believed that guest marriage is an acceptable relationship option for a couple, but it is more difficult to implement if there are children. Very rarely does a guest marriage take place when there is a child. Psychologists agree that this situation has a negative impact on the family - the child has no sense of security since childhood, his mental state is similar to that of a child of separated parents. Society also makes its mark: it is accepted in society that loving families live together, and if spouses live apart, then it is assumed that the marriage is not without serious problems.
If, despite the guest marriage, parents see each other regularly, family meetings are eventful, harmonious and happy, then the child will grow up as a flexible personality, able to easily adapt to different situations and devoid of stereotypes.
At the same time, there is a high probability that the child will inherit a tendency towards guest marriage. Children who choose this type of family experience divorce from their parents much more easily than in traditional families.
Sometimes living separately after the birth of children becomes a necessary measure due to various reasons, such as work that requires serious concentration and feeding the whole family.
If a guest marriage turns out to be a conscious choice, you need to first discuss how communication with the child will take place. Some couples come together for a while to jointly take care of the baby. Others, having grown children, distribute responsibilities: they attend school meetings in turns, take them to sections according to a planned schedule, allocate time for joint traditions, and so on. All these agreements minimize the benefits of a guest marriage, and partly make it meaningless.
Myth 5: In marriage, partners abandon their hobbies and interests.
You know those guys who say that once you marry someone, you have to say goodbye to your hobbies, give up on hobbies and live only by common needs and wants? Heard? Forget. This is a fundamentally incorrect statement, which was invented by weaklings who failed to defend their identity and allowed part of themselves to be destroyed “for the good” of the family.
When you started dating, you knew very well and put up with each other’s hobbies, so why on earth should everything that was dear to your soul be abandoned after the wedding? It is quite normal that each spouse wants to spend time devoting themselves to what they love. If you want to set aside a few hours a week to dig through collectible alarm clocks, then do it. Does your soul require strumming the guitar for an hour or two? There's nothing wrong with that. At the same time, leave room for creativity for your wife, because she developed hobbies even before you. It is necessary to respect each other’s interests, and not giving another person the opportunity to express themselves is tantamount to reshaping and destroying the personality with which you were previously in love.
Myth 6: People get married only to satisfy their specific goals.
Kings were forced to marry only for economic reasons, and not for love. But if the crown requires calculation, and not feelings, when choosing the most profitable party, then for a simple person such an approach is unacceptable. You may have heard more than once that when getting married, you should first of all focus on meeting specific needs, but is this the right approach? You’re tired of washing things, and you hate ironing a little less than going to the urologist, and that’s why you decided to get married. Well, what if your wife cooks and does the laundry, and you can also have sex - that’s the thinking that will ruin your life.
Criteria for determination
So, what is a love partnership? This is a union of two people, regardless of race and social status, which is based on voluntary, mutual consent. There can be several motives for being together. It can be love, infatuation, sympathy, affection, codependency, and the main component without which such relationships lose their shine is, of course, a real, human emotion.
Healthy, secure partnerships include:
- mutual respect;
- the presence of clear, agreed personal boundaries, which are prohibited from being violated;
- the presence of a frank, full and trusting dialogue in a couple.
Often such relationships are built on the basis of an oral agreement about how to behave and in a given situation, who takes the initiative in some specific issues and who in others. This agreement must suit both partners. This is an important criterion for a safe and comfortable partnership.
The only “duty” is happiness
A partnership marriage (often called an equal marriage) is a union of friends and like-minded people. Its key difference with the patriarchal one is that both spouses are considered mature, full-fledged individuals, each of whom, in every sense, is capable of living well independently.
Neither partner gets married to serve the other. Neither considers himself the right to command the other, to decide for both, to be the head, the neck, or the one who rides on someone else’s neck.
In a partnership, the only “duty” of both is to be happy. Because only a happy person can share and increase the happiness of their spouse, and only happy parents can teach happiness to their children.
Some people mistakenly believe that “partnership marriage” is about the budget. No, this is not about the budget. And not about the form of concluding an alliance, and not about living together, and not even about responsibilities. The three pillars of a partnership are love, trust and respect.
