Psychological skills of influencing people, attracting them to your side, winning friends and supporters have long been popular in America - since the publication of Dale Carnegie’s famous book in 1936, which is selling well to this day. But relationship specialists go further: the art of influencing people is in demand in the modern world more than ever. We offer an excerpt from a new bestseller on this topic.
Why can't I communicate?
Most often, the inability to successfully communicate with other people is based on problems in the field of psychology. It can be:
- shyness;
- low self-esteem;
- fear of “blurting out” something stupid;
- fear of expressing your opinion;
- problems with diction (lisp, stuttering, burr, etc.).
The causes of these problems often stem from childhood, when communication skills are just being formed. Here are some of the factors that can lead to communication problems:
- Rooted complexes.
- Serious emotional shock.
- A long period of loneliness due to various circumstances, and as a result - social degradation.
- Severe restrictions on communication with peers (parents did not let the child leave the house, did not allow him to communicate with other children).
These are all quite serious reasons that require careful and long work with a psychologist. They manifest themselves in the fact that a person cannot even adequately respond to an appeal to him. He withdraws, hides, and can run away.
If a person can carry on a conversation, but does not consider himself a good conversationalist, then this skill can be practiced. There are a lot of different personal development trainings. They, of course, can inspire, but without regular practice, the theory is meaningless. That is why I have selected the most interesting and effective exercises for you. But before we get started, let's learn the basic rules for successfully communicating with people.
Books about family relationships
“Don't yell at the children! How to resolve conflicts with children and make them listen to you”, Daniele Novara
In intrafamily relationships, it is difficult to avoid conflicts, after which alienation may arise. Psychologist Daniele Novara tells us how to learn to cope with such situations correctly.
The practical advice given in the book will help, in particular, to improve relationships with teenagers and teach them to control themselves in moments when patience is running out.
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“How to Help Your Child Grow Up,” Robert Winston, Laverne Antrobus, Teresa Day and others
The child is growing, and this process causes panic in many parents. This beautifully illustrated book contains a detailed description of the stages of a child's growing up, compiled by famous psychologists and teachers.
And it will become an indispensable tool for those who do not know where to start a dialogue with a teenager and how to discuss difficult topics.
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"The Emotional Intelligence of a Child" by John Gottman
John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, has been studying couples with children for more than 40 years and knows how important it is to learn to understand a child's emotions.
The methods described in the book for developing a child’s emotional intelligence will help parents maintain friendly relations with him, and will also teach him how to cope with difficult situations.
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Let Them Go by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Great love and fear for children hinders both parents and growing individuals. Author, TED speaker and mother of two teenagers, has worked with young people aged 17–20 for 10 years.
Julie Lythcott-Haims has seen time and again how helicopter parents deprive teenagers of the opportunity to fully grow up. And therefore he offers alternative methods of education. Their use will give parents peace of mind and children freedom.
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Rules for successful communication
The famous speaker Dale Carnegie published the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” more than 80 years ago. In it, he described the most effective basic communication techniques and rules that will help introverted and shy people become excellent conversationalists. These rules remain relevant to this day.
- Genuinely showing interest in other people. Often we find it more pleasant to talk with those who are interested in our personality and ask various questions regarding our opinion and experience. Therefore, be sure to ask questions to your interlocutor. But don't turn the conversation into an interrogation with bias. Everything should be natural and sincere, and for this you must experience genuine interest in your interlocutor.
- Smile. A person who smiles evokes positive feelings in us. Even if we don’t know him personally. During a conversation, your smile is proof that the interlocutor is pleasant to you and you like talking to him. Just try to avoid a fake smile. Smile not only with your mouth, but also with your eyes, soul, and heart.
- Proper name. From birth, the sound of our name is the most pleasant sound. Therefore, always address others by their first and middle names if necessary. The name indicates the individuality of a person, his originality and uniqueness. This is the simplest compliment you can give someone. Just call him by name.
- Listening skills. In conversation, people usually prefer to talk more than listen. Often they simply wait for their turn to speak and do not try to listen and understand what they are told. Especially during an argument. If you listen carefully to your interlocutor, ask him clarifying questions and successfully use phrases that he said earlier during the conversation, then you will pleasantly surprise him. Listening and hearing your interlocutor is much more important than speaking.
- Interesting topics for conversation. Talk about topics that are interesting to your interlocutor, and finding out about them is quite easy and simple, using rule No. 1 - showing sincere interest. When a person talks about something exciting, his eyes light up. Even if this topic does not seem particularly interesting to you, still try to listen. Surely you can learn something valuable and interesting for yourself.
- Compliments. Each of us has unique characteristics that are worthy of admiration. Try to notice them in your interlocutor and sincerely express your admiration, approval, and praise. Your compliments should not be exaggerated and resemble undisguised flattery. Falseness always feels good. A timely, sincere compliment will be very pleasant to your interlocutor and will make the conversation even easier and more relaxed.
Useful tips for those who want to communicate well
The 6 rules of successful communication considered are the basis, without which it will be quite difficult to win over your interlocutor. In addition to these rules, I want to give you a few more tips that will help in communicating with people.
- Maintain eye contact with the other person during the conversation. Your gaze should be open and friendly, not depressing or putting pressure on your interlocutor. Practice in front of a mirror if you are not sure that you can look another person in the eyes correctly.
- Always try to keep your back straight and your shoulders back. This is a powerful signal that you are open to communication and are not afraid to engage in dialogue. A confident gait and gestures will complement your image of a successful person.
- If you just can’t get rid of shyness and excessive restraint when communicating with unfamiliar people, try to imagine that this is your old acquaintance whom you just haven’t seen for a long time. As a result of such a pleasant experience, your gaze will become softer, your gestures and posture will become more open and friendly. Taken together, this will help to win over the interlocutor and erase unnecessary psychological barriers that make communication difficult.
- Develop attentiveness and sensitivity towards your interlocutor. Learn to read the emotions and reactions of your dialogue partner. This will help guide the conversation in the right direction. Also, remember as much information about the interlocutor as possible. Subsequently, you can show your interest in him. This will flatter any person.
- Expand your horizons. Read different books to have something to talk about and tell. Be interested in what is happening around you. Then you will become an interesting interlocutor, capable of maintaining a conversation on any topic. A broad outlook is an integral attribute of a person.
To remain a pleasant conversationalist with whom people enjoy communicating, you should never:
- complain about fate and discuss your problems;
- use obscene language, speak poorly of mutual friends and spread gossip;
- harshly criticize your interlocutor, say that he is wrong and stupid for thinking so;
- choose topics for conversation that are interesting only to you.
So, we got acquainted with the basic rules and tips. Now it's time to move on to practice. After all, theory without practice will not be of any use.
Books about relationships with your loved one
Actively Searching, Aziz Ansari, Eric Klinenberg
The joint work of the famous comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg on the topic of the search for happiness resulted in this study. The result is a non-boring instruction for those who are looking for love and want to learn more about relationships in the modern world.
The Paradox of Passion, Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips
A classic book on relationship psychology that will help bring back romance and former passion. The authors, a clinical psychologist and writer, explain why disharmony occurs, how it interferes with partners, and what to do to create a union of equal and loving people.
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"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson
Sue Johnson is a professor of clinical psychology and a specialist in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). From the book you will learn about the basic principles of this technique, which will help develop communication skills within a couple.
Seven dialogues detail the critical moments those who build relationships experience and the lessons to be learned from crises.
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"Forget about love!", Michael Bennett, Sarah Bennett
Chartered psychologist Michael Bennett and screenwriter Sarah Bennett invite us to stop searching for love and passion. Instead, try to find a person who will help develop your best qualities. And this is where all the tricks of professional headhunting come in handy.
The book presents working methods, as well as interesting examples from practice.
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Exercises to practice communication skills
Communication skills need to be constantly trained. This is the only way you will learn to communicate easily and freely even with strangers.
If your shyness and timidity do not allow you to even approach a stranger, then you should seek advice from a psychologist. The following exercises will help you practice your communication skills.
Conversation with furniture
Every day tell your table, chair or indoor flower about how your day went, what interesting things happened. Try to hold back your fit of laughter and take this practice seriously.
This exercise will help you express your thoughts coherently, logically and competently, not get confused in them, and also adjust your facial expressions and gestures. If you can’t have a conversation with furniture, then a pet would be an even better listener for this exercise. A dog or cat will always willingly listen to the stories of its owner.
Monologue in front of the mirror
Go to the mirror and start saying out loud the thoughts that come to your mind. Gradually try to connect them logically, consistently developing them to create an interesting story.
This exercise will help you understand how you look from the outside during a conversation, learn how to write coherent sentences and establish contact with yourself. It is enough to exercise for 10 minutes 2 – 3 times a week.
Retelling
Surely you have a favorite blog or site that you read every day - for example, the “In Your Home” blog. This will be very useful when performing this exercise. After reading another article, try to retell it as closely as possible in terms of meaning and logic of construction. If the article is very long, then retell it gradually, in 3-4 paragraphs.
This exercise develops the skill of thinking and speaking at the same time. Thanks to it, your speech will become more coherent and meaningful. To achieve good results, you need to exercise daily.
Development of someone else's thought
The exercise begins by turning on the TV or any video on the Internet. Listen to the speaker for 30 seconds, then turn off the sound and continue his thought for the next 30 seconds.
This training develops mental flexibility and teaches you to find non-standard solutions. Exercise 10 minutes a day and you will be pleasantly surprised by the results.
5 strangers
The best training for developing communication skills is communication itself. Train yourself to start a casual conversation with five strangers every day. Not less! These could be random passers-by, from whom you can ask the time or clarify the route, a consultant in a store, to whom you turn for advice on choosing a product... In general, there should be no problems with finding strangers. They surround us literally everywhere. You just need to leave the house.
To practice your speaking technique, I recommend you watch this interesting video:
