The beginning of sexual activity always causes a lot of emotions, worries, expectations and even fears. Girls often think about how to stop being afraid of their first time with a guy and create an environment that would allow this to happen with minimal discomfort. And physical pain is not the main reason for a negative attitude; the problem is much broader.
Girls have a lot of fears associated with first sex. Unfortunately, sex education is not taught in school; no one talks about the details of intimate life.
All fears are related to ignorance. What if there is no blood, how to understand that everything went well, how to please a guy, how not to ruin everything, how not to make a mistake with the choice of a young man.
How not to screw up your debut and is it really that painful? What to do if things don't go according to plan. Are these thoughts familiar? Or are others bothering you?
Let's talk about what you need to do to minimize any risks and look at your first experience as a new stage in life, and not as a terrible ordeal to endure.
What a strange phobia
Sexual phobias are a completely abnormal thing, not typical of a healthy person, which means they can be considered a type of mental disorder, like other, more banal phobias. Fear of sex (coitophobia or sexophobia) is a psychological or physical fear of sexual intercourse or any sexual relationship. But the most common manifestation of this phobia is the fear of losing virginity, which can be, to a small extent, inherent in a large number of female representatives. Girls think: “Why are sexual relationships so difficult, why does losing your virginity hurt?” But sexophobia in its development goes much further, making any romantic and love relationships impossible, because in the head of a person who experiences fear of sex, any manifestation of feelings is immediately associated with sex itself. And it begins - I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid... Why, exactly, should we be afraid of this?
People with sexual phobias may experience romantic feelings, but try not to have close relationships with anyone in order to avoid the possibility of intimate contacts. The result of coitophobia is a feeling of loneliness, alienation, they are also ashamed of their personal fears and become withdrawn.
Women's desire to avoid sex has long been the subject of jokes. So why should we take this very seriously? But in the case of real coitophobia, fatigue, laziness and frigidity have absolutely nothing to do with it. Only some women experience real, animal fear before having sex for the first time. And the name for this is erophobia. This phobia is based on psychological problems.
Take care of your own comfort
The first intimacy will go smoothly in a comfortable environment. When choosing a place for sexual contact, give preference to familiar territory. Ideally, this should be a quiet, private place, such as a bedroom in your own home or a partner's home.
If for some reason they are unavailable and sexual contact takes place in an unfamiliar place, make sure it is clean and safe. If you want, take a little comfort with you - grab your favorite blanket.
It would be useful to organize a romantic atmosphere. Dim lights, candles and pleasant aromas will help you get into the right frame of mind. If a guy is involved in this issue, unobtrusively tell him about your understanding of romance.
Fear of first sex
The main reason for the phobia of sex among representatives of the fair half of humanity is passed down from generation to generation and has already become overgrown with all sorts of myths. We are talking, of course, about the fear of losing virginity. This is an extremely delicate problem, which, one way or another, is familiar to any woman.
Every girl who has reached puberty and knows at least something about sex often admits to herself: “I’m afraid of first sex.” This is, of course, the fear of severe pain, which supposedly certainly accompanies the first sex. In fact, the first sexual intercourse is indeed accompanied by pain and discomfort at first. But it’s impossible to talk about the unbearable pain that will absolutely happen when a girl loses her virginity - this is a myth. It depends on the structure of the body, on the degree of relaxation, on genetics, on the pain threshold, even on the skill of the partner. So losing your virginity is not always very painful. Be that as it may, the girl focuses on this discomfort and tries not to have sex in the future and even stop talking about it. And it is extremely difficult to overcome this emerging fear; moreover, over time it develops into coitophobia.
There is another aspect of phobia before first sex. This is a kind of cult of virginity, which is customary to preserve, which cannot be suddenly lost. They believe that after one time of sex they will feel dirty and used. Therefore, no matter how much I “want”, the fear of sex often wins.
Discuss all the details in advance
A guy and a girl may have different ideas about sex in general and about the first time in particular. To avoid awkwardness and misunderstandings during sexual intercourse, discuss what is to come in advance. Such a dialogue will minimize complaints and serve as a kind of prelude to intimacy.
Agree on contraception. This will help avoid unwanted pregnancy and possible infection with sexually transmitted diseases.
Psychologist and coach Olga Nedelkova recommends making sure that both have enough time and that no one will disturb the couple in the chosen place. Rushing during first sex is inappropriate. It can lead to unwanted discomfort and unnecessary pain.
Causes of coitophobia
There are other reasons that give rise to fear of sex.
- If your first sexual experiences were unsuccessful. If the sex was rough, the girl never got pleasure, unless the partner was experienced and could not carry out defloration properly.
- The most common cause of fear of sex is physical violence and sexual abuse. This is always associated with terrible stress and a feeling of humiliation. Incidents of violence often cause psychological trauma, due to which sexophobia arises.
- Another important cause of coitophobia is sanctimonious upbringing, when parents describe sex as something dirty, impossible and shameful. It gets into a girl’s head that she needs to lose her virginity with her husband, with whom you will then spend your whole life, that he should be the only man. So, girls grow up thinking that sex is a threat and should be avoided. And this also affects the fear of the first time. It is noteworthy that these are the girls who often have rash first sex, afraid of losing their boyfriend. They think like this: “I’m afraid, I don’t want to lose my virginity, but I want sex, I want to have a boyfriend.”
- Often girls are afraid of the consequences of sexual intercourse. Fear of unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases. Unpleasant consequences and sensations, long and difficult recovery of health, treatment. It’s easier for them not to have sex at all, it’s calmer.
- Often girls are embarrassed about themselves and their bodies, and not just for the first time. Sometimes this develops into rejection and hostility of oneself and one’s characteristics. Some people are afraid to show their naked body to someone because they have an unusual breast or labia shape. But it often happens that girls have nothing wrong with their appearance. Such sexophobia must be overcome by raising self-esteem and self-respect. You need to find a guy who will help you overcome this fear, with whom you won’t be afraid to lose your virginity.
- It happens that sexophobia comes from childhood and is associated specifically with childhood trauma. For example, if the father left the family and the mother drank heavily. Then the fear of sex is associated with a woman’s inability to build the correct model of the relationship between her and a man; she is afraid of a repetition of the scenario, of betrayal. This form of coitophobia and sexual deviations are very common among women from single-parent families.
- Sometimes the fear of first sex can be physically justified. We are talking about a problem with the female genital organs, which cause very severe pain with every sexual intercourse. This problem should only be solved by experienced gynecologists and psychologists.
Some tips for preparation
In order not to worry about the little things, there are some recommendations for preparing for the first sex:
- Don't be afraid of condoms. Put one in your pocket or next to the bed so you don't have to run around the room when the girl is already excited. It takes literally five seconds to open the package and put on the protective product.
- Before sex, go to the toilet and don't drink a lot of water. The urge to go to the toilet can interfere at the most inopportune times.
- Blowjob helps a lot to improve erection. If a girl agrees to oral sex, then this is a very good option.
There are no problems that cannot be overcome, with the exception of specific diseases.
First sex excites both the girl and the guy. This is absolutely normal and there is no need to worry about it. The main thing is to remember that everything arises in your head and watch your emotional state so as not to screw up in bed.
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Coitophobia in men
It’s not just a girl who can say “I’m afraid for the first time.” And if in women the fear of sex can be associated with physical problems, then in men sexual phobias lie in psychological problems.
- The cause of coitophobia can be improper upbringing in the family, when the despot mother terrorizes the child, and when he grows up, due to the fear of being absorbed, sexophobia is formed.
- Often men are afraid of sexual intercourse due to the fear that nothing will work out in sex, which will lead to ridicule of his penis and humiliation. Every guy has this fear at some point, but most men can overcome it. Erophobia is especially strong if there has already been failure in sex in the past. This greatly affects a guy's self-esteem, but does not affect his desire to have sex. That is, he thinks “I want sex, but I’m afraid.”
- Low self-esteem in a guy is also the cause of phobia before sex. A man may think that a woman is too good for him, too smart and beautiful, and that he is too bad for her and will not be able to satisfy her. And this “I’m afraid” spoils his entire personal life.
- Another cause of coitophobia is fear of blood. A man is afraid to have sex during the menstrual cycle because of disgust. Some people consider sex during menstruation unaesthetic, while others are simply afraid of blood. Then sexual relations may be incomplete.
- Fear of sex may be associated with fear of virginity. If girls are afraid of pain, then guys are afraid of the girl’s reaction to his body movements. They are afraid of causing the girl pain and discomfort, which is why sexphobia arises. So you shouldn’t twirl your finger at your temple when you hear a guy say “I’m afraid of losing my virginity,” even though losing my virginity is physically painful only for women.
How to stop being afraid of your first time with a guy: love yourself first
A slightly deeper problem is embarrassment and dissatisfaction with one’s body. Fear for the first time is caused by complexes that make you feel ashamed of yourself. He will see me completely naked, notice every centimeter of my body, discover flaws... No, in such a situation I don’t want anything anymore!
Unlike the reasons described above, this cannot be solved so easily. Although there is still one way - have sex in the dark, then there are no risks.
But it is impossible to indulge in carnal pleasures all the time with the lights off; at some point you will have to come out of the shadows. And going to the gym can, of course, fix the body, but what to do with complexes?!
You need to love yourself and learn to accept your body. If you can’t change your beliefs on your own, then going to a psychologist can help.
You need to do this differently and you will spend your whole life thinking about how to stop being afraid of your first time with a guy. Many maintain their innocence until death. Don't do this.
How does coitophobia manifest?
It is not always possible to notice the symptoms of a phobia with the naked eye, unless a person, of course, openly says “I’m afraid of sex.” But there are points that cannot be ignored. A clear sign is a complete rejection of sex and mentions of it, which is called erotophobia. Sexual relations bring fear to such a person, and he himself will not understand why.
Also a sign of a phobia is promiscuity, when a person is afraid to build trusting, strong relationships, but for some reason cannot cope with the desire for sex. This is intimate phobia, in which losing virginity is not scary, but building normal relationships is scary.
“I’m afraid of first sex” can be said by a person whose phobia is accompanied by excessive concern about some defect or feature of the body. Sometimes there is the influence of gymnophobia - fear of nudity and fear of the touch of other people.
Sexual phobias are accompanied by a feeling of panic, fear, and very strong horror. Physiological manifestations may include shortness of breath, trembling, rapid heart rate, and excessive sweating. People who admit “I’m afraid of losing their virginity” can often limit themselves not only in intimate relationships, but also in any contacts with people around them.
Consult with adults
Girls often discuss upcoming intimacy with their peers. It is not right. It is better to talk about readiness for sex with people who have experience in this area.
Discuss the topic of sexual relationships with adults whom you trust and with whom you can safely share your most sincere experiences. This could be parents, older brothers or sisters, a psychologist at an educational institution, a gynecologist or a sexologist.
Ask Adults for Advice: Pexels
