It often begins suddenly and seemingly out of the blue. He scattered his socks again. You bought (again) the wrong sausage. His friend made a bad joke in your direction, but the guy didn’t stand up for you. Just one small spark is enough, and a whole flame flares up. You no longer remember how it all started, your faces are distorted by rage, and terrible phrases thunder in the air: “You cannot be relied on!”; “I didn’t expect anything else from you!”
Slamming the door, you literally shake with anger and wonder how you could contact such a terrible person. However, very little time passes, and you suddenly realize that you didn’t mean to say what you said at all, your loved one was not so wrong, and you quarreled over some trifle.
How to make peace with a guy after a strong quarrel, what words to ask for forgiveness in a message, and what to do if “make up, make up, don’t fight anymore” didn’t work? Now we'll tell you.
Men and women perceive quarrels differently
The strong half of humanity is characterized by a logical type of thinking. In the heat of a quarrel, they give arguments to prove their point of view. For a man, a dispute has 2 goals - to solve a problem or to prove he is right. Women are guided by emotions, which does not always lead to positive consequences.
There are individuals for whom conflict is a way of obtaining energy, emotional release, or replacing some need, for example, sexual.
If a showdown turns into psychotherapy, where a woman has long educational conversations, the man produces the hormone prolactin, which affects potency.
When conflicts become part of life, it's time to think about what is behind them. Often this is a consequence of old grievances, fatigue, some claims or lack of love in a couple.
Not a bad way out for independent people8
Do they both understand that they want to make peace, and they need to somehow overcome the conflict? You just need to sit down together and formulate your complaints in writing. Preferably point by point. No personalization.
You need to start with the words “I feel that...” And not “you are so and so.”
Next, you should exchange letters and respond, also on paper. Why bother with paperwork? This will help you concentrate on the problem and solve it thoughtfully, and not just talk, quarrel and break up again.
First steps after the conflict
It is not necessary to go for reconciliation after a quarrel. In some cases it is even harmful. The pause after a quarrel can be used to analyze the situation. A useful technique is to write your emotions on paper.
The ability to switch is a useful skill that helps not to make a mistake in the heat of a quarrel. You can do cleaning, go to the cinema, meet friends, clean up the house.
When passions have died down, it’s time to think about finding a solution to the problem. The simplest thing is to write on a piece of paper all the possible options that come to mind, then analyze what the consequences of each will be.
Remind me of good days
When people experience pleasant sensations and impressions, they want to repeat them. This is often impossible, but there is a chance. To do this, a person must immerse himself in an environment reminiscent of those happy times.
To revive memories, you need to take the only right step, the one that will work. An individual approach is needed here, otherwise you can ruin everything. In one case, a collage of your photos will be enough, in another it is better to invite your chosen one to a memorable place for you - a cafe, on a pleasure boat, a park, etc.
Reminders of the past will allow your boyfriend to understand how important relationships are to you and how carefully you treasure romantic memories. He will probably appreciate your step and make a response.
How to make peace: 8 tips from professionals
You need to decide whether a man is worth contacting after a quarrel? If a relationship consists only of conflicts and reconciliations, it is worth considering whether they are necessary.
It happens that all relationships a woman enters into follow the same scenario. Then you should solve the problem with yourself, for example, go to a specialist.
Psychologists give the following advice.
- Rely on self-respect. There is nothing humiliating about making reconciliation if it is not an everyday ritual. The more a person bends, the more he loses significance in the eyes of his partner. If a man doesn't value a relationship, is it worth holding on to?
- Give reasons for your position. It’s worth preparing for the conversation in advance by writing an outline. This will help you understand what the purpose of the dialogue is. Perhaps the cause of the conflict is personal problems that the partner has nothing to do with.
- Forget about manipulation. The conversation should be built on sincerity and trust. The purpose of the conversation should be to find a common solution. A quarrel is a conflict of interest. Women sometimes put on a victim mask in order to bend their partner. The conflict is not resolved, but subsides for a while, since the main problem has not been resolved.
- Keep yourself in control. You can't get personal or insult. A favorite method of some people is issuing ultimatums. If you resort to it, you need to be prepared for any scenario.
- Be sincere. If you want, you need to apologize. It is worth telling what is behind the breakdowns and the desire to quarrel. A man often does not realize that a woman lacks attention or that he did not give a compliment or forgot about something. In conversation, it is useful to use “I-statements”, that is, talk about your own experiences and feelings. This allows you not to violate your partner’s boundaries.
- Focus on offline communication. The conversation should take place live, and not through instant messengers, phones and other gadgets. In a sincere conversation, personal contact is important. Firstly, SMS messages can be misunderstood, and secondly, the partner does not have a feeling of closeness.
- Do not delay reconciliation. It’s one thing to give time to cool down, another thing to remain silent for educational purposes. This technique is not constructive. It can lead to dire consequences.
- One of the best ways to reconcile is a hug. After the right words have been said, you can take your loved one by the hand or touch the shoulder. Tactile contact brings people closer together.
Read Why your husband cheats and what to do about it
How to make peace?!
Women who are interested in healthy relationships and want to understand the cause of conflicts should turn to psychological literature.
List of useful books:
- Mikhail Litvak “Psychological Aikido”;
- Eva-Maria Zurhors “Love yourself - no matter who you are with”;
- Ilse Sand "Fear of Intimacy", "Miss You";
- Harriet Lerner "It's Complicated."
They will answer questions about life alone and as a couple, about the causes of crises, and how to overcome them.
Give a gift or surprise
This method is not suitable for all cases. If your boyfriend has a negative attitude towards gifts, you shouldn’t even think about it. For a guy who is calm about the role of the recipient, you can prepare some original surprise.
How to give a man a gift and make peace with him:
- Choose your gift carefully. It must be something out of the ordinary. What is important is not so much its price as the meaning that will be put into it. To give a gift that is truly valuable to a person, you need to know his habits, interests, and dreams well. A good gift could be a ticket to football or to a concert of his favorite band, to a joint excursion or exhibition - the choice will depend on the person’s tastes and preferences.
- Don't give expensive gifts. This is vulgar and has nothing to do with honest and sincere relationships. It’s a different matter if a gift has a certain cultural or intellectual value for a person, then its value fades into the background.
How to make peace with a man if he doesn’t make contact
People behave differently during and after conflict. Some quickly move on and forget the grievances, others may not speak for weeks. This needs to be understood and taken into account. A man’s silence does not always hide a serious resentment. He just needs more time than the other partner to come into balance.
How to make peace. The Big Mistake of Reconciliation
If the reason for ignoring is resentment, then the only right decision is to wait. While he is thinking, you can start analyzing your own behavior in the conflict.
It is useful to think about the following questions:
- Who starts conflicts?
- How do quarrels happen?
- Can they be prevented? Soften?
- What feelings arise during a quarrel: fear, anger, resentment, shame, guilt or something else?
- Does either partner raise their voice?
- Is someone getting personal?
Answers to questions will help you decide how to make peace and what to talk about during the reconciliation process. There may be an unexpected decision not to reconcile because the relationship data does not make sense.
If a person did not make contact after a quarrel, but silently left, perhaps he decided that the relationship had outlived its usefulness and ended the affair unilaterally. Many people don't know how to talk about their feelings, so they leave in English. Sometimes silence is the answer and must be respected.
On the road to reconciliation
First of all, you need to understand that the occurrence of a quarrel is a normal phenomenon in the relationship between a man and a woman. Several factors can play a key role in the emergence of conflicts between you and your boyfriend:
- Differences in the psychology of men and women. In the language areas of the brain, women have 17% more neurons than men. This explains the desire to express one's emotions through communication. The limit of words spoken by a woman per day is 8,500. The most talkative people use about 15,000 words. An impressive figure. The communication limit of the stronger sex is limited to 3500-4000 words. It is important to note that men use communication exclusively as a means of communication. They prefer to relax in silence, while women need emotional relief;
- A woman by nature thinks and talks about several things at the same time. Men tend to pay attention to a specific problem. The male brain is tuned to perform a specific task; it simply cannot perceive an unlimited flow of information;
- Women are prone to empathy and during a conversation pay special attention to the intonation of their interlocutor. Representatives of the fair sex tend to make decisions under the influence of emotions, while men are reasonable in their actions;
- Men perceive veiled information very poorly and do not understand hints. When talking to him, avoid ambiguity. Express the essence as specifically as possible;
- The male half of humanity turns out to be completely helpless in everyday situations. Spatial thinking is to blame. A young man may have an excellent understanding of the exact sciences and mechanics, but stubbornly ignore simple everyday trifles. For example, a new hairstyle for your companion.
Men's perception of the world around them is significantly different from women's. But there is no need to argue with nature, since the characteristics inherent in representatives of different sexes, together, perfectly complement each other.
Why text a guy who ignores you?
The simplest solution in case of ignoring is to end the relationship. But if you really like a guy, you should do the following:
- Find out what's bothering him.
- Ask for forgiveness if you really did something wrong.
- Make an appointment and talk frankly with him. If in a conversation he says that he wanted to break up with you, do not beg him not to leave you, do not cry or become hysterical. Accept the news with dignity.
Do you want to know how to write an original message to a guy you like?
If you want to ask for forgiveness
There are situations when you should ask for forgiveness from someone you offended.
Example phrases:
- “Don’t be angry, life is too short to waste it on grudges. I'm sorry".
- “I’m very sorry that this happened. Our relationship is important to me. Right now, more than anything else, I want to make peace with you.”
- “The reason for our quarrel is insignificant compared to my feelings for you. “I will try to improve and not allow such situations to happen again.”
- “Let’s forget the ridiculous grievances and leave our quarrel in the past.”
- “I had a lot of time to understand my mistake and admit my guilt. I'm very worried about what happened. Please forgive me".
It might be interesting: how to understand that a guy likes you by correspondence.
