The average life expectancy in Russia in 2021 is 73.34 years. 100 years ago she was almost 30 years younger - 42 years old. Most of us will become widowed in old age: according to Rosstat data for 2018, there are 688 widows and 258 widowers per thousand people 70 years and older. American psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Ray consider the death of a spouse in old age to be the most difficult test in life - in their stress scale it ranks first, and the severity of the experience is assessed at a maximum of 100 points. But almost any stress can be relieved. “Taki Dela” learned how to support loved ones and not burn out while helping others.
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The path to a new life. Attitudes towards death in different cultures
Mourning for the deceased should not last a lifetime. Only frankly stupid people can judge a woman who decides to start over and start a new family.
Our attitude towards death is determined by culture. Many beliefs perceive life as cyclical, the future goes hand in hand with the past, death is just one of the stages.
The religions of the East - Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism - are built on the idea of reincarnation, the transmigration of souls. According to reincarnation, we live several earthly lives, each life is an experience and test, the passage of which determines the subsequent fate of a person.
Christianity and Islam are built on the concept of a straight path - from birth to the highest judgment, which inevitably awaits everyone at the end. Here it is customary to pray for the deceased, visit cemeteries, and commemorate people on the day of death.
Almost all religions agree on one thing - suffering for the deceased can become his “anchor”; they prevent the soul from moving on.
Stages of coming to terms with the death of a beloved spouse
The human psyche is capable of recovering from any incident. Accepting the death of a spouse goes through five stages. This is a long path, and the help of loved ones or specialists will help you get through it to the end without getting stuck at any of the stages.
The five stages of grief, which at first seem insurmountable, will be left behind, opening the way to a new life.
Pain
Pain is the first emotional experience that a woman who has lost her beloved husband faces. This pain can be consuming, deafening, and leaves behind scorched ashes. The woman feels empty inside, and every memory of her husband, which invariably flashes in her mind, causes a new attack of mental pain.
The pain waves subside gradually. They leave behind a misunderstanding, which becomes the beginning of a new stage.
Negation
Denial can be expressed to a greater or lesser extent. It is a defensive reaction of the psyche, for which what is happening is too strong a blow.
Awareness does not come immediately; consciousness accepts the sad news gradually. The process of awareness proceeds faster if a woman is organizing a funeral and communicates with friends and relatives of the deceased. However, in cases where the bitter news was found far from a loved one, when a message about death was received by telephone or mail, the consciousness may refuse to perceive the information.
Then the woman begins to deceive herself, suggesting that a mistake occurred, other people died in the tragedy, and her husband miraculously remained alive. Unfortunately, in this case, the psyche will be subject to a double blow when the terrible news is finally confirmed.
Aggression
When the wife of the deceased is unable to deny what is happening, she may be overwhelmed with emotions such as rage, irritation, anger, indignation and, sometimes, envy of families where both spouses are alive.
Relatives and friends should understand that this stage is a manifestation of the widow’s state of shock. If a woman suddenly reacts to attempts at consolation with an outburst of aggression, you should be patient - this is a tired, depressed psyche trying to relieve the tension at least a little.
Anger is an insidious and dangerous feeling. The widow, spurred on by anger, tries to find those to blame for what happened, often blaming herself first. Self-flagellation is expressed in thoughts: “I am to blame! I should have done differently! If it weren't for me, he would be alive."
One’s own actions before the tragedy are assessed biasedly, with particular severity.
Depression
Aggression towards the whole world is replaced by a depressive state. At this stage, the colors of reality fade, the irreversibility of grief occupies all the woman’s thoughts. She is left alone with the collapsed hopes of the past, in return for which, as it seems to her, she receives only melancholy for the rest of her days.
At the stage of depression, environmental support plays a huge role. The painful state dries up emotionally, the widow stops crying and screaming, there is no strength left for these manifestations of emotions. There may be a fading of all previous interests, a lack of reactions to any news.
The stage is characterized by the longest duration.
The end of depression marks the final awareness of what is happening, which is the next stage.
Adoption
Acceptance is the end of a difficult cycle, the last stage, followed by relief.
The widow is fully aware that the person is gone forever, the old feelings have completely spilled out. At this stage, a woman is able to think about the future, about her prospects without the previous support.
The acceptance stage is often called the humility stage. It usually takes about 2 years to complete the stage.
Stages of acceptance
Psychologists identify seven stages that allow you to come to terms with and understand what happened.
The first stage is called denial. The individual does not believe what happened and does not understand how to continue to live. May begin to behave inappropriately
It is important that there are people nearby who could bring the grieving person out of his state, distract him, and make him think about others who are also experiencing the death of a loved one. There is no need to try to console him, he is now unable to accept your help.
At this stage, the person is able to hear the voice of the deceased person, see him in the crowd, but this is all a reaction to what happened, and not a deviation in the psyche. The second stage is the manifestation of anger. The person believes that what happened was unfair, does not understand why it happened to him, to his family, begins to show his anger towards people who are alive and well, calmly walking down the street, sitting on a bench, communicating, does not understand, why are they alive when his relative is no longer there? The third stage is a feeling of guilt. A person begins to blame himself for not being attentive enough, behaving incorrectly, or spending little time. For some, this feeling persists throughout their lives. The fourth stage is a state of depression. The individual no longer has the strength to hide his condition, his emotions. One feels completely exhausted and the person becomes unhappy. The fifth stage is acceptance. The person finally realizes what exactly happened, the pain becomes less, and the depression slowly goes away. The realization comes that you can now let go of the situation and move on with your life. The sixth stage is the period of revival. After the death of a loved one, an understanding comes that one needs to live on, accept new conditions, but at the same time the individual withdraws into himself and communicates little with other people. One gets the impression that he is constantly analyzing something. This period can even last up to two years or more. The seventh stage describes the beginning of a new life. This is a period when the stages of grief are experienced, life is at a new level. Some individuals at this stage are trying to find new friends, change the environment, someone changes their place of residence, work, does everything to ensure that nothing reminds them of the past. For example, the realization may come that the death of her mother was a deliverance for her if the woman had been ill and suffered for a long time before this.
The problem is that not all people are able to go through the seven stages; sometimes they get stuck at the fourth stage, locked in their tragedy. In this situation, you need to contact a psychotherapist. A specialist will help you cope with the current situation and teach you how to overcome depression. A psychotherapist will help you overcome all stages of grief, maintain a healthy psyche, and prevent complications from developing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRyzM63kL2c
The death of a father or mother literally deprives you of support; this is especially difficult for those people for whom family is the most valuable thing in life. For a person, a connection with his mother is the basis for a feeling of inner comfort.
Mourning, grief, depression after the death of a mother is a natural reaction of a normal person. After all, all the best that a person has was connected with your mother; her love always protected and protected you. Without a mother, a person feels orphaned. But if the state of grief drags on, disrupting the entire way of life, destroying the person himself, then we are talking about depression.
How to survive grief after the death of your beloved husband and not go crazy
How to survive the death of your beloved husband if the new living conditions seem absolutely unbearable? The first thing to do is to know what feelings you might be dealing with. You need to try to analyze them soberly, and not be afraid to talk about them with your family.
The most difficult period is a month after the fact of loss. At this time, a person, like an exposed nerve, reacts extremely painfully and is subject to the destructive influence of his own negative thoughts.
Feeling of injustice
The feeling that widows most often face is that of injustice. A woman begins to live with an eye to the past, which is seen in an ideal light. Familiar married couples, lovers on the streets, even movie actors raise a silent question: “Why are they doing well, what did I do to deserve such grief?”
In order not to remain captive to this issue, you need to expand your social circle, spend less time alone, and try to look at the loss from a different perspective. If you can’t do this on your own, the best solution would be to contact a psychologist.
Feeling of betrayal and resentment
The psyche may react with resentment towards the deceased, with anger because he “left” too early. A woman may feel that her lover has left her alone, that his death is a selfish act.
Often the widow understands that she has no right to be offended, but is unable to redirect her emotions. It should be remembered that this period has its own time frame, the resentment will pass, especially if the person is actively trying to cope with it.
Guilt
Self-flagellation and blaming yourself for what happened can lead to a severe nervous breakdown. A woman may begin to analyze the events before the tragedy, thinking that she could have changed everything if she had acted differently in some situation. She forbids herself to rejoice and laugh, overcome by a feeling of guilt, believing that by smiling she is betraying the deceased.
It is worth writing a letter to your husband, describing your experiences in detail. Ask for forgiveness for past offenses, write that you also forgive him for everything, wish him peace. The letter should be taken to the cemetery, read aloud, or simply left at the monument.
It must be taken into account that there are no “right” feelings in such a situation and cannot be. Reactions are individual, but they need to be worked through so as not to leave the situation as a broken person and not to prolong negative experiences for many years.
Feeling of prospects being destroyed
This feeling appears when the person who was irretrievably lost had goals and plans that could not be achieved. In this case, the best solution is to develop new perspectives. Your actions should proceed from a surplus approach - make the most of the existing unpleasant situation for personal growth and improve your life.
Of course, working out the prospects will take more than one day. But this needs to be done. And the more time you devote to this, the faster this cause will be eliminated.
You can work out the prospects like this:
- Create a file in Evernote or any other application that supports automatic synchronization and write down ideas on how you can improve your life after this situation. Of course, you can work purely with a computer, but online notepads are better because you can immediately write down an idea if you have your phone at hand. This must be done throughout the transition period.
- Start implementing the ideas that come to mind. It is clear that in depression the most difficult thing is to start doing something; volitional potential is reduced almost to zero (especially in deep depression). But if you regularly take small, feasible steps, over time you will get carried away and even enjoy transforming your life.
One business coach essentially did just that. After the death of his wife, he began to work more actively, which contributed to the growth of his professionalism, the number of clients, and earnings. But the main thing here is not to go to the other extreme - try to go to work so as not to think about the loss. In this case, we are essentially replacing one dependency with another. Our task is to become self-sufficient people. You can use work to take your mind off your grief, but only if it helps you become stronger and actually overcome depression, not drown it out.
How to cope with the emotional loss of a loved one yourself
How to get out of depression after the death of your husband without resorting to the help of a psychotherapist? There are several effective tips, but it is strongly recommended to turn to specialists if it seems that your own strength is running out.
First of all, understand that your husband would not want you to live a life of despair and tears. You have to start all over again, for the sake of him, yourself, family and friends.
Vigorous activity and a regular change of environment will help you overcome your apathetic mood. It takes time to feel the effect of all actions.
1 Try not to close yourself off from your friends. Communicate on distant topics.
2 Keep yourself and your apartment in shape, don’t forget to exercise, and clean regularly.
3 Find a community of women who have experienced a similar tragedy. It will be much easier to cope with grief together.
4 Avoid alcohol.
5 Spend more time on existing hobbies, find a new hobby.
6 Sign up for a spiritual practice. Yoga, qigong, tai chi are perfect.
Father or psychologist?
Clergymen help many people cope with trouble. Religion teaches that one cannot mourn the dead for a long time, since their souls suffer greatly from the tears of the living. Moreover, all religions talk about this. Listening to the priest, the woman is imbued with this thought and begins to try to control her feelings.
The belief that a loved one does not die forever and that his soul will remember her can literally resurrect a grief-stricken widow.
She comes to terms with his death and begins to sincerely believe that life does not end there, but simply passes into another form. Regular visits to church, religious rituals for the repose of her husband’s soul, prayers, and reading spiritual literature greatly help a widow to find peace of mind.
What signs indicate that specialist help is required?
You cannot do without the help of a psychologist when a woman feels that her own strength is running out. An inconsolable state that lasts several months can be an alarming sign of the onset of depression. Depression requires mandatory treatment under the supervision of an experienced doctor.
You should definitely seek help if you begin to have nightmares at night or your sleep becomes restless and does not bring strength. If support from loved ones is not enough, this is also a good reason to consult a doctor.
Advice from a psychologist: how to get out of depression and get back to life
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
To find the strength to live on, you need to see a clear goal in front of you. A man without a goal is a ship without a helm, so a widow especially needs a goal. Aspirations in life will help you come to terms with your loss and regain your energy and joy. With its help, a frozen life will begin to move again, new acquaintances will appear, and the pain will dull.
The following can help you achieve your goal:
- Mastering a new skill, expanding your range of interests;
- Journey;
- Participation in charity events;
- Watching motivational films;
- Playing sports, taking care of appearance;
Appeal to God. Advice from a priest
Father Vladimir
Clergyman
The doors of the church are open to everyone in need, and many people feel much better within its walls. Priests regard death as an inevitable stage of life, and are always ready to help with advice. An illness, unexpected death, or accident can terminate the existence of the physical body without causing any harm to the immortal soul. The wife of the deceased can concentrate all her pain, love and energy on prayers. In prayer you can tell your loved one everything that you did not have time to say during your lifetime.
Also, the widow can confess to the priest, he will direct the words of the grieving woman to God.
Stages of Accepting Grief
To accept what happened, a person must go through several stages.
Shock
Most often, a person is shocked when his mother dies. This happens not only to children, whose parents are most often still young and die unexpectedly. Even adults, having learned about the sad event, are in a state of shock: most people do not think that their parents’ lives will one day end. Even if the mother has been suffering from an incurable disease for a long time and the approximate time of her death is indicated by doctors, people often hope that life will last a little longer.
A defensive reaction of the psyche is observed. Often, the children of a deceased woman cry, scream, and experience severe nervous excitement. It is also possible that inhibition reactions predominate: a person withdraws, becomes emotionally cold, may fall into a stupor, and think more slowly. This condition is necessary to alleviate pain.
Negation
Then the denial stage begins. A person refuses to perceive the reality of his mother’s death, because the consciousness does not want to put up with the thought of loss. Often a person left without a parent convinces himself that what is happening is just a bad dream. He may express his feelings and emotions in words or try to convince himself mentally. Sometimes the condition becomes so severe that others have doubts about the mental health of the person who has lost his mother.
Anger and resentment
Then comes anger, a feeling of resentment. If a woman was sick or was the victim of an accident, her son or daughter may blame the doctors who failed to cure the pathology as the culprits of the incident. Sometimes there is a desire to take revenge, to hurt these people. If the cause is old age, negative emotions may have no object. Questions about why this happened, why this happened, are not one-time questions: they can persist for a long period of time. Occasionally, children become angry with the deceased herself for her death.
Irritation may intensify if the loss is accompanied by financial difficulties: the need to pay debts and loans.
Such a reaction occurs because a person feels helpless: he cannot resist death or avoid it. Anger is a reaction to fear, the realization that every person will one day die.
Guilt
When the anger passes, a feeling of guilt arises. A person may consider himself guilty because he upset his mother in some way during his lifetime, committed some actions that she did not approve of, paid little attention, rarely came to visit or called, talked about love, or helped. People often claim that they would change a lot in their behavior if they had the opportunity to live part of their life when their mother was still alive again. Possible scenarios will be constantly repeated in the imagination, sometimes such thoughts become obsessive.
They stop looking for the culprit: now attention is directed to oneself, self-digging is characteristic. This is explained by the desire to control what is happening, an overestimation of the ability to influence surrounding events
Depression
The suffering becomes the most intense. Often the pain is not only emotional, but also physical, and somatic symptoms are added. A person may cry often, react painfully to any mention of loss, and often cannot control emotions. The option when feelings are lived in silence is considered more severe: often those around them do not even realize that their relative, friend or colleague is suffering. In the most severe cases, people lose the meaning of life and stop believing that anything good is still possible in their lives.
Acceptance and reorganization
A person is emotionally aware of the death of his mother. He understands that life goes on, makes plans for the future, begins to devote more time to communicating with friends, achieving work goals, and restores lost social contacts and his former way of life. Depression ends after the death of the mother, and is replaced by a less strong feeling - melancholy, sadness. What happened is not completely forgotten, but the trace left by the tragedy does not interfere with living on.
Advice for others who are experiencing loss
People close to the grieving woman should be especially attentive and sensitive. They are required to have patience, perseverance, and participation.
Physiological reactions of the body and responses from the psyche
It is necessary to take a closer look at the widow’s reactions and behavior. Your presence nearby should be unobtrusive and tactful.
Be ready to listen to a woman at any moment and support her with a kind word.
Apathy
If the wife of the deceased has been in an apathetic state for a long time, you need to gently persuade her to visit a specialist. Invite her to go to the reception together.
Do not allow a woman in a state of apathy to drink every day; try to distract her in every possible way.
Appetite disturbance
Lack of appetite for a long time may indicate the onset of depression. Try to gently persuade the woman to eat, offer to go to a cafe or cook her favorite dish.
The opposite situation may occur when the widow overindulges in food - this is a manifestation of extreme stress. Try to find another distraction for the woman.
Dizziness, tachycardia, microinfarctions, seizures
These reactions are typical for the first hours after the sad news. If the attacks do not go away over time, seeing a doctor is vital.
Unusual reactions
If a woman has an unstable psycho-emotional background, atypical reactions to bitter news may be observed: hysterical laughter, a desire to destroy everything around, or icy calm, followed by attacks of rage.
Be discreetly nearby
Presence should not be intrusive. You should be there when a woman needs it, without putting pressure on her. It is important to understand and feel when it is better to leave a widow alone, and when not to leave a single step.
Help when a woman asks for it, clarify whether she needs you, do not impose your help when there is no need.
Avoid loneliness
Be sure to tell your friend about your feelings. At some point, you will want to hide from the whole world and just remain silent, but it is in such a situation that communication with a loved one is necessary. Don't demand too much from him, because he may not know what to answer or how to console you. If a person does not understand you, do not move away from him, but simply speak out. Over time, you will become comfortable communicating, and this will greatly ease the state of grief. You shouldn't go to parties or birthdays if you feel uncomfortable. The holiday atmosphere may seem inappropriate and even offensive to you. Communicate with close relatives, the loss has shocked them too
If the other parent is near you, pay special attention to him. Together it will be easier for you to overcome grief
How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband. How to deal with loneliness
The widow's friend will need all the sensitivity, care, and tenderness she has. During such a period, it is extremely important to be nearby and show your participation with all your might.
What not to say to a friend
Avoid talking about finding a new partner or future marriage - the widow will take what is said as an insult.
There is no need to give examples of similar tragedies. Someone else's pain cannot drown out personal pain.
Don’t copy the widow’s behavior; don’t cry with her or complain about fate. At this moment, you need perseverance and fortitude.
What do we have to do
You should unobtrusively remind that there is a lot of good left in the widow’s life, and try to get the woman to think about a bright future.
You can try taking the widow out to crowded places and offering to learn a new hobby together.
Try to talk about abstract topics. Carefully monitor the woman’s condition, insist on visiting a psychotherapist if her condition sharply worsens.
Definition of the concept and signs
The fact that depression has set in after the death of a relative is evidenced by the presence of the following manifestations:
- the world is seen as black, in shades of gray;
- no interests;
- thoughts only about the deceased person;
- food is consumed automatically;
- may suffer from insomnia, nightmares;
- increased anxiety;
- thoughts about one's own death;
- melancholy is constantly present;
- the person feels guilty;
- concentration is noticeably reduced, the person is unable to concentrate on anything;
- his motor skills and thinking become inhibited;
- there is slowness of speech;
- feeling of emptiness and worthlessness;
- lack of social contacts, desire to be alone;
- apathy;
- changes in behavior that are manifested by special oddities, for example, vagrancy;
- hallucinations may occur;
- a person stops taking care of himself;
- physical weakness and fatigue are felt;
- the individual becomes sedentary;
- there is a constant expectation that something bad will happen;
- a feeling of physical pain, which is unfounded by any disease, is a psychosomatic manifestation;
- Excessive sweating, tachycardia, and possible arrhythmia may be observed.
If these manifestations persist for three months or longer, then a diagnosis of depression is made. This state will be especially profound if the individual was present at the death of his loved one.
The following signs may indicate a condition that requires mandatory treatment:
- lack of acceptance of death;
- disappearance of goals in life;
- shock after the death of a loved one;
- inability to trust someone;
- numbness (for example, can be observed when a child dies).
To understand exactly how to get a person out of depression while at a distance, you need to understand what such a condition is. Depression is usually defined as a severe disorder that causes a person to feel only negative emotions. From this:
- the sphere of motivation suffers greatly;
- cognitive representation changes in the opposite direction;
- behavior takes on a passive form.
There are severe emotions, a regular feeling of depression and even despair, which cannot but affect the overall well-being. Everything that was interesting to a person before suddenly ceases to captivate him completely. The future becomes unpromising for him, the person begins to torment himself. It seems to him that he simply does not have enough strength to overcome all the difficulties that have befallen him.
In some cases, the process takes on a pathological form and, accordingly, requires treatment from a psychotherapist. In this case, support from loved ones and friends alone will not be enough. You need to seek help from a specialist (and in some cases even undergo a course of medication).
There are signs by which we determine for ourselves psychologically healthy.
How to help your mother cope with the death of her husband
Adult children should come to the aid of a mother left without a husband. Children need to not only cope with their own grief, but also become a support for their mother.
What not to say to mom
Don't leave a woman alone with sadness. She may claim that everything is fine - for your sake. But having lived for so many years with one man, his departure cannot but affect her condition.
Mothers may begin to treat their children with overprotectiveness. Do not prohibit such manifestations. A woman needs care to fill the void.
Do not forbid crying for the deceased.
What to say
Actively support any new endeavors: dating, hobbies, going out to public places.
If mom feels better, you can look through old albums together, remembering the best days from the past.
Try to walk together, and while walking, highlight events not related to the tragedy.
Understand your feelings
First of all, you need to understand that you can cope with grief in any case. For some it takes several weeks, for others it takes several years. Don’t compare yourself to anyone and don’t rush to pretend that everything is fine. In due time you will understand that grief is receding. Remember: Mom always wanted you to be happy and calm. Try to understand that she would not want your grief. Start slowly returning to your normal life and don’t blame yourself for it. The person closest to you would never be upset because you long for happiness.
How to cope with the death of your mother? Memories will help you accept your loss. Preserve the image of your loved one as much as possible not only in your memory, but also on paper - write down everything you remember about her. Also, from time to time, tell other people about the deceased. So her image will not dissipate for a long time. Ask relatives and family friends about your mother. Their stories will make your memories more vivid and colorful. Remember that it’s impossible to remember every little detail, so don’t beat yourself up if you forget something.
Regular and adequate sleep will help cope with stress and cope with the death of your mother. Spend 7–8 hours a day on it. This way you will not be overtired and will be able to adequately assess your condition. Don't forget about self-care - try to look your usual, but don't be too hard on yourself. If grief has consumed you so much that complete apathy has set in, allow yourself to forget about everything for a short time. As soon as you feel stronger, try to restore your usual daily routine. Some things in it may remind you of your mother. Make a to-do list so that in moments of acute melancholy you can be in the company of people who can provide support.
How women were able to cope with the death of their husbands
I was very young when my husband died and a serious illness developed. I thought I would go crazy with grief. I started reading the Bible and praying every day. I still remember how I read the lines, and they blurred because tears flowed from my eyes in an endless stream. Now the grief has turned into a bright melancholy. I was able to let go of my loved one.
Ksenia, Tyumen
Ekaterina, Voronezh
New meaning came into my life 2 years after the tragedy. Before leaving, my husband fought cancer for a long time. I was able to rely on my children; they were always there. The children helped me open my own bakery, and I directed all my efforts there.
I buried my husband more than 5 years ago. A new man appeared in my life quite recently. I didn't think I could fall in love. The grief I experienced taught me to appreciate every moment with dear people. The new man is married, I think that I will soon be ready to give him a positive answer.
Inga, Orel
Viola, Moscow
We all couldn’t believe that dad could die so suddenly. He and his mother got married when they were both 18 years old. My brother and I supported my mother with all our might and did not leave her alone. Now the grief I experienced seems very far away.
My friend met with terrible grief. When her husband died, she was left with a small child in her arms. I supported her every day, we read the Bible covenants together, went to church. She was sad, but was able to get out of this state. I sincerely admire her.
Albina, Saratov
Time does not heal
Psychologists, of course, help bereaved parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of your son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives overcome grief.
No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and melancholy will still not go away. They say that time heals. This is wrong. A person just gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile and do what he loves, but he will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.
With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to cope with the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant reminds you of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately break out of the embrace of emptiness and frantically dig into the already slightly healed flesh.
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They buried and remembered. What's next. List of important things to do after the funeral
There are a lot of things that need to be taken care of immediately after the funeral. Being active will help you take your mind off the experience.
Reimbursement of funeral expenses
Reimbursement of expenses is a legal human right. To receive government compensation, you must keep all receipts. A certain amount can be reimbursed by the former employer of the deceased or government agencies within six months.
Register an inheritance
Relatives have 6 months to register the inheritance. The wife of the deceased inherits the property first.
Register ownership
The ownership of the deceased's property must be certified by a notary. A woman experiencing loss must enter her name into the FSW database.
Renting out real estate
If living in the apartment of the deceased is unbearable due to memories, the best solution would be to rent out the property on a monthly basis.
How to build a new life after the death of a loved one
The pain of loss can break the body and soul. The “scar” from the experience will remain forever, but sadness can become bright and teach you a lot.
Accept the fact of loss
You can accept loss by changing your attitude towards death itself. Don’t suppress your feelings, let them open up completely, then awareness will come sooner.
Excellent memory. Memories, photos
In the first stages, you should not get rid of photographs, just as you should not review them, causing yourself new pain. You can return to the photo when it becomes easier.
Pictures are a bright memory of the deceased; treat it with gratitude.
Get rid of painful memories of death
It is impossible to get used to a new life if you endlessly remember the first difficult days. Mentally let go of these memories, write them down on a piece of paper, take this letter to church.
Shift attention to those who need it
Look around you and you will see how many people still need you. Try not to deprive them of your care and warmth.
Main causes of depression
To get out of depression, you need to know the main list of reasons that could cause this condition:
- serious illness;
- loss of a loved one;
- dismissal from work or difficulties;
- presence of chronic fatigue;
- misunderstanding on the part of people around you (this especially applies to close friends and family).
The impetus for the formation of a depressive state is given by a psychotraumatic situation. A funnel of negative emotions sucks a person into a swamp.
In this case, it is very important to distinguish depression from a short-term (albeit strong) experience. The correct diagnosis can be made based on the following signs:
- Anhedonia is the loss of the ability to notice changes around, the absence of any positive emotions, as well as laughter.
- Developed pathological thinking - in this case, all life situations will be perceived through a negative prism, a pessimistic attitude prevails.
- Inhibition in reactions and actions, prolonged gloomy mood.
On the other hand, depression can develop completely individually, for example: someone is inclined to withdraw into themselves, someone continues to communicate with others as before, but in some situations they are inclined to show aggression and more. Lack of timely and correct help can lead to further deterioration of the chronic condition.
It must be remembered that when trying to help a person who suffers from depressive neurosis, one must try to avoid the influence of such a negative state on oneself. And such a possibility exists if it is not a professional doctor who is trying to overcome depression, but just an untrained person.
Section question - answer
How can a young widow cope with the sudden death and loss of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Connect with friends and family, don't close yourself off from them. Don't forget about your appearance and physical fitness. Celebrate the holidays, don't forbid yourself to smile.
How can a housewife cope with the death of her beloved husband?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Try to find new hobbies, since your previous life was closely connected with household chores. A change of environment will have a beneficial effect.
How to cope with loss at 60 years old?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Taking care of younger family members, finding a new hobby, and getting help from a psychiatrist can fill the void.
How long will it be bad, how soon will the grief pass?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
The duration of the period is individual, but vigorous activity, distractions, and new acquaintances have been proven to shorten it.
A year after the death of my husband, how to move on?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
A year has passed, and the tragedy that seemed to have happened quite recently is moving further and further away from you in time. Congratulate yourself, you have survived the most difficult period. Find time to find new pleasures and be outdoors more often.
How to cope with the death of your husband at 40?
Expert opinion
Nadezhda Dubrovskaya
Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow
Don't let grief consume you. Communicate with people, don't isolate yourself. Admit that you need support.
How to get rid of longing for your dead husband?
Expert opinion
Lavrova Tatyana
Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist
Don’t close yourself off from other people’s support, consult a specialist for advice, and talk openly about your grief. Let your emotions pass through yourself so that they can subside after they have healed.
My personal story
Galina, Tolyatti
A distant relative reported the death of her husband. I was going crazy, I believed that the unbearable melancholy would not disappear. Over time, the pain dulled. But life leads me to new joys. Fate can be amazing, don’t give up on life, give yourself another chance!
"Stuck" in grief
I am often asked what to do when a friend or family member is “stuck” in their grief. To this I always answer: “What do you think it would mean to not get stuck? What are your expectations? According to most people, “not getting stuck” means that a person returns to work, regains his sense of humor, attends events, does not cry every day, and is able to talk about topics other than his loss and grief. He seems happy again.
We think that “happy” equals “healthy”.
As if happiness is the starting position, the norm to which people return from any condition and under which we live the way we should live.
In short, “getting back to normal” is the opposite of “getting stuck in grief,” and getting back to normal (happy) needs to happen as quickly as possible.
