Teen Love: What You Need to Know

Teenage falling in love is not uncommon. It becomes a real test for both the lover and his parents. For teenagers - due to their inexperience, and for parents - due to surprise. It seems to many adults that just yesterday their “kids” were playing with dolls and cars, but today they have completely different games and fun. Both sides are in a state of real confusion. In this article we will look at the characteristics of teenage relationships and the most common mistakes parents make.

Teenage love

Young people are not always ready to share their love experiences with their parents. You can find out that Cupid has captivated a young heart by the following signs:

From a fan of computer games, he suddenly turned into a connoisseur of walking in the fresh air. Partial interrogation and prohibitions from parents will contribute to a loss of trust. It is necessary to announce to the rebel in love the time limits of his dates.
If, while communicating on the phone, a child constantly strives for privacy, this indicates that he has an object of desire.
Close attention to your appearance, hairstyle and wardrobe, the desire to look bright, stylish, and fashionable can be indirect signs of sympathy.
A teenager's request to increase his allowance should alert parents. Money may be needed not only for dates, but also if he seeks to declare his “adulthood” with the help of harmful inclinations: smoking and alcohol.
Contraceptives found by parents in a teenager should not provoke a hysterical reaction. This will only create a barrier in the relationship that will be very difficult to overcome.

In adolescence, physical development does not correspond at all to mental and social development. It may seem that outwardly young people are already ready for mature feelings and their development, but in fact this is not the case. They don't realize that to build a relationship, you need to learn to control your instincts. Love should not be like an uncontrollable element that breaks everything in its path.

Parents need to convey the idea to their children that physical intimacy is a consequence of harmonious relationships between lovers, their new round. A necessary condition for sex is the moral and psychological maturity of young people, which consists of a number of aspects. The first of them is the ability and willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences, for a loved one. Teenagers are not able to take on such responsibility, if only because they are financially dependent on their parents.

Unfortunately, in modern society, where the media is engaged in the promotion of sex, early sexual intercourse is far from uncommon. Sexual freedom is associated with sexual permissiveness. In order to justify promiscuity, young people tend to equate love and sex. The task of parents is to prevent the replacement of true values with false ones. This is the only opportunity to form a correct idea of love among teenagers.

Psychology of Adolescents

Adolescence is characterized by significant physical changes in the body. An increase in hormonal activity is manifested in the formation of secondary sexual characteristics and features of the nervous system: excitation processes predominate over inhibition. This explains the emotional outbursts, imbalance and conflict of adolescents. Going through the stage of personal growth, boys and girls strive for autonomy. At the same time, they are not alien to the desire to become a member of any social group whose interests they share.

There are many contradictions at this age: a combination of isolation and sociability, cynicism and daydreaming, arrogance and shyness. Bipolarity of the psyche manifests itself in all its glory and in some cases becomes the cause of serious mental disorders, which begin much more often during this period of human life than at others.

The teenager realizes that he differs little from adults, although at the same time he must obey them in everything. He tries in every possible way to demonstrate his maturity: in clothes, manner of communication, actions, bad habits such as smoking and drinking alcohol, early sexual intercourse.

The conflict between fathers and children keeps both of them in constant tension. On the one hand, striving for independence, the teenager rebels against the advice and opinions of adults, their desire to limit his freedom. On the other hand, the opinion of his parents still remains very important to him. It is no coincidence that in his search for his own identity and role model in society, he chooses what is familiar to him from childhood, most often copying the models of his parents. Therefore, the example of “fathers” is a very important factor in the formation of a child’s personality.

All teenagers go through puberty. Gender psychological differences explain its characteristics in girls and boys. So, for the former, this process begins earlier. Girls need psychological intimacy, a response to which they often find in older boys. Erotic overtones are not as important for them as for young people.

Although puberty in young men occurs a little later, it manifests itself more rapidly. Hypersexuality is a consequence of their psychophysiological characteristics of increased sexual excitability.

Early puberty ends quickly in young men. The late stage is characterized by a protracted and sluggish course.

Teenage relationships

First love is a wonderful feeling. However, due to the fact that teenagers have no experience, they make numerous mistakes in relationships that can be easily avoided. Psychologists give numerous advice on this issue:

In the first days of dating, you need to learn as much as possible about each other so that a wave of disappointment does not overwhelm the teenager at the most inopportune moment - when the relationship is already in full swing. Parting at the peak of affection will bring severe pain and bitterness of disappointment.
You should remember about yourself and your interests, and not dissolve in the object of passion. If a young man is into hard rock or football, this does not mean that a girl should give up her favorite dancing in order to share his hobbies with him.
Maintain the boundaries of your personal space without devoting all your free time to the object of your desire. Don’t forget about the other side of the coin - don’t be intrusive, don’t try to control every step of your partner.
We must not forget about plans for the future. Feelings of love should not negatively affect your performance at school. If a partner demands attention and does not want to take into account the interests of his other half, it is hardly worth continuing communication with such a selfish person.
The decision to engage in sexual intercourse must be balanced and deliberate. You should not be led by passion, so as not to regret it in the future. If a partner insists and is not ready to wait, perhaps he is only interested in sex, and there is no talk of love here. If the decision is made, do not forget about its possible negative consequences - accidental pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Use contraceptives.
In case of problems and failures on the personal front, you should not withdraw into yourself. Communication with friends, creative activities, sports, and hobbies will help you get rid of gloomy thoughts. The support of your family should not be neglected. It is possible that the rich baggage of their life experience will provide answers to complex questions.

More freedom - more responsibility

So, we give the child more personal space and freedom. But there must be a measure in everything - for the safety of the child and the peace of mind of the parents. Each family sets the boundaries of what is permitted in its own way, the main thing is that there is agreement within the family regarding these boundaries. An important nuance: the more freedom a child is given, the more responsibility he must bear and take on new responsibilities.

Take time to discuss rules of conduct. It would be good for adults to agree on this separately and in advance, discuss disagreements, and then talk with the child. And talk peacefully, over tea, listen to his objections or suggestions. What time does he return home, how often does he clean up his room, what household chores does he take on.

Try to look at the child as an almost adult being who is responsible for himself. Believe in him, be calm, then your confidence will be transferred to him, and he will better feel his responsibility and will not want to “cheat” on occasion. It is important for parents to understand that this is how the child learns to live in the adult world according to adult rules, and he will succeed. When he was just born, he had to put up with the cold air, with hard diapers, he had to learn to eat and work for it. So now he must come to terms with the fact that there is a lot of cold and hard things in the outside world, he must often limit himself in something and work, because nothing comes for free.

Features of teenage love 12-16 years old

Psychologists say that love between a man and a woman has three levels: physical, emotional and spiritual. In an adult lover they merge into one. In adolescence, things are a little different. Physiological needs and feelings are disconnected.

Both boys and girls can experience sublime feelings for one person, but at the same time enter into an intimate relationship with another, without particularly thinking about the fact that they are acting, to put it mildly, dishonestly in relation to the object of their adoration.
Teenagers often treat sexual intercourse very frivolously and are prone to frequent changes of partners.

According to statistics, two-thirds of high school students manage to change from three to five sexual partners by the time they graduate from school. Most of them are well informed about contraception, but this does not eliminate the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.

First love does not yet fully understand what the criteria for choosing an object of sympathy should be. And since these criteria change, new loves arise along with them.
A teenager is capable of falling in love many times over the course of one month, and each time it will seem to him that this will last a lifetime. Increased hormonal levels make him react sharply to any difficulties in relationships. Emotionality, impulsiveness, thoughtlessness of actions are integral components of love among 14-year-old teenagers.

A feature of this age is that the center of the child’s physical and spiritual life moves from home to the environment of peers and adults. Communication with society becomes his main activity. He prefers to share his emotional experiences not with loved ones and family, but with friends and peers. This is how the psychology of teenagers explains their desire to spend as much time as possible outside the walls of their home.

Questions of love worry young people long before this feeling comes to them. Its attractiveness lies not only in the unknown and novelty, but also in the fact that it provides an opportunity for self-affirmation among peers, arousing their envy, admiration and respect. Unfortunately, it is not always real. Sometimes a teenager can fake falling in love because it benefits him.

There is a lot of fantasy in youthful love: the loved one is always idealized, he has no flaws. Often love cannot be differentiated from sympathy, affection and attraction. She is cut off from life, does not look into the future, resembles an interesting game, because her goal cannot be to create strong and long-term relationships. She is fragile, vulnerable, naive, stupid, but still beautiful.

Little love epidemics

As we have already said, adolescents have an extraordinary tendency to imitate: after all, it is vital for them to be the same as the boys in their “reference group”, not to differ from the group, to merge with it. Teenagers are characterized by various psychological “epidemics”: in the field of fashion, in musical tastes and preferences, in sports, even in speech. Among others - a love epidemic.

As soon as a couple in love appears in the ninth, tenth, eleventh grade, several more couples are formed within a few days: two, three, four. At the same time, another five or six boys are trying to form a permanent couple, intensively courting girls from their own or a parallel class, girls from their own or a neighboring house, writing them love text messages and just notes. Very quickly the epidemic spreads to neighboring classes, and soon we see that during breaks at school there are already a dozen couples “cooing”, and they are returning from school together.

These couples, of course, are very different: some are already sexually active, others don’t even kiss, they are “friends” and communicate - although they are all the same or approximately the same age. Some couples, although formed as a result of the epidemic, will last a long time - several years, some of them will develop into real marriages: in large cities of Russia, every ninth man (11%!) is married to his “school sweetheart”.

The better the school, the more love couples there are and the higher the proportion of those couples for whom school friendship culminated in marriage. American adolescent psychologists discovered this pattern 50 years ago: in good schools, student cohesion is higher, their attitude towards each other is more positive, they rate each other higher, they spend more time at school (in various clubs, etc.). As a result, there are more loves and “loves,” and these “loves” are stronger.

Parents' mistakes

Advice for the older generation:

Don't be afraid of losing your authority. Even if your child constantly argues with you and provokes conflict, this does not mean that he does not love you. Change the mentor's tone to friendly participation, give the opportunity to show independence, and he will repay you with warmth and respect.
Conversations about sex education should be one of the topics of your confidential communication. Feel free to talk about sex and physical development. It will be better if he learns about the possible negative consequences of early sexual intercourse from you, and not in the gateway of the house where you live, or from the pages of Internet resources for adults, where sex is presented as something mandatory for happiness and strong relationships.
Do not build communication in the form of interrogation. Tell your child about your first love, your feelings and experiences. Be honest, this will gain his trust.
Parents should know the guys who are part of the teenager's closest social circle. Invite them into your home more often to understand who your child is friends with. It’s definitely worth getting to know your child’s chosen one. Don't exaggerate the situation and don't throw a family viewing or dinner party. Try to be friendly and open.
Teenagers are very sensitive to criticism of their friends and lovers, so parental condemnation of their choices can hurt and have a negative impact on relationships with adults. Categorical statements can cause a desire to do things out of spite. Do not provoke a teenager to defend his decision in this way. He should know about your doubts, but this should be done not in a raised tone, without insults and reproaches.
He should feel the understanding and support of his parents. Somewhere you can listen, somewhere you can help with advice, distract or redirect his attention by offering an interesting activity or leisure time together. The main thing is not to laugh at a teenager’s falling in love, not to judge, but to take it seriously.

Girls: turn up your nose and pretend

Girls, as a rule, understand everything perfectly. They seem to know in advance: if a boy stares sternly at her, takes away her bag and runs away laughing, it’s a no brainer that he’s fallen in love. And girls, to whom boys do not pay attention even in such a rude manner, feel deprived and offended. Often they try to draw attention to themselves and provoke the guys to respond.

Here's another paradox: a girl who is being pestered by a young suitor demonstrates her attention - by ignoring her! Turning her back to him, she shows that she understands everything, strengthens his feelings and gives him hope for the continuation of this strange game. But at the same time, he avoids communication, because none of the children is yet clear how to behave and what to talk about in a situation of falling in love.

Sometimes girls are not inferior to boys in active attempts to please. They laugh loudly next to the boy and demonstrate their fighting nature; they can tease and tease the boy, especially when teaming up with their friends. More timid girls try to attract attention with a mysterious appearance, a new hairstyle or clothes, as if by chance they find themselves nearby during extracurricular activities.