How to stop being a child and grow up psychologically: advice from psychologists

• September 16, 2018
• Psychology of Personality
• Valentina Zabrodina

You can hear about how to grow up and why it is vital for each of us from different sources. Does this mean that we urgently need to get legally married and have several children? Or get two promotions? How to grow up quickly?

Performing certain actions in itself does not guarantee growing up; there is no universal instruction. Let’s try to figure it out together what it means to become an adult.

Growing up means not being afraid of responsibility

Growing up is damn hard. It is much easier to move from one childhood to another.

Francis Scott Fitzgerald

Responsibility is a special relationship between the actions of a person (people, institutions), intentions, as well as evaluations of these actions by other people or society. Taken in relation to a person as a rational agent of action, this attitude is the conscious intellectual and physical readiness of the subject to implement or abstain from a set of actions that may be required as a result of the performance or, conversely, non-performance by this subject of some other actions.

In many European languages, the word “responsibility” comes from the Latin verb “respondere,” which literally means “to promise” or “to give in return,” and more generally, “to respond.”

Indeed, it sounds significant. To be responsible, you must comply with obligations, norms, rules, show respect for others, take care of yourself and, if necessary, limit yourself in something. Responsibility is akin to a fee that must be paid in order to be accepted in society, and also to be “passed” to the next level.

This is where, in my opinion, responsibility is identical to adulthood. Like the last one, it allows you to climb to the next step. However, there is something else that makes adulthood more than just following norms, rules and the ability to “give an answer.” Execution of everything just listed shows only the external side of the process. We can say that responsibility in this case is just a mask, a role on the stage of life that can be played without emotional immersion. This is, so to speak, a formal component.

At the same time, adulthood is something deeper, it is an internal state in which you begin to feel like a completely different person. This is truly akin to moving to the next level, only within yourself. This is a qualitative leap, as a result of which values ​​and perceptions of the world change.

This is why it is impossible to teach or warn adults in the spirit of “read it just in case, it might come in handy.” You can grow up in a very short time, in an instant, a second or a minute. In this case, it will be a serious and almost existential experience. Or you may never grow up, formally playing the role of a responsible and even adult person for many years.

A sense of moderation in everything

A child (or an immature adult) is never satisfied with what he has. He wants more, better, more expensive, he feels an urgent need to stand out and assert himself against the background of others.

This position is often encouraged and cultivated by parents, based on the understanding that “my child is the best.” This formulation of the question speaks of the immaturity of the parents, which he passes on to the children, which is subsequently difficult to get rid of.

However, if you outgrow this attitude, then life becomes easier. In the end, someone will always have more money, more horsepower under the hood, a wider circle of friends. But happiness and life satisfaction are associated with refusing to compare yourself with others. Where comparison ends, maturity begins.

If you want to hold on, let go

Another aspect of maturity relates to the ability to not become overly attached to people. We are talking specifically about suffocating attachment, about “sticking” to the object of one’s love, when an individual’s worldview is narrowed to the limit, and he cannot imagine himself without the other.

The reasons for this behavior may be a fear deeply hidden in the subconscious of losing the object of love or being unnecessary. This may be due to childhood or teenage psychological trauma, as well as the fact that the child is not used to sharing his things. He projects this attitude into adulthood.

The problem is that an adult, mature person is not able to be in a relationship out of a sense of duty or pity (“If I leave, she will commit suicide”).

It is important to understand that we choose people, and they choose us based on the principle of similarity of common interests and life attitudes, but at the same time certain differences. We are attractive to each other as long as we have a difference in potential

It is very important in any relationship to maintain autonomy, your own space, then you won’t have to hold anyone back.

How to become an adult in a relationship and take responsibility for the relationship?

In order for a relationship to be strong, you need to grow up and learn some things:

• Be able to keep your word. This implies the ability to do what you promised to another person, despite all sorts of obstacles and unfavorable circumstances.
• Be able to prioritize. Learn to determine when you need to be serious and when you can fool around. After all, adulthood does not mean constant seriousness.
• Be able to resolve conflicts. Accept each other for who you are. In long-term relationships, there are disagreements. But it is very important to know how to behave so as not to aggravate them, and to bring maximum comfort into the relationship, both for yourself and for your partner.
• Control your emotions and actions. There is no place for anger and depression in a healthy relationship. To be an adult, forget about dissatisfaction, and have a sweet and contented smile on your face. Learn to make decisions quickly with a cool head. To do this, you need to be able to criticize your actions and adequately accept criticism addressed to you.

In relationships, adults go hand in hand.
If you managed to do all this, then the relationship will develop harmoniously. No man will take seriously a girl with numerous whims. But a truly mature woman will be able to please not only her gentleman, but also those around him. Change, but gradually!

Growing up = boring life?

In fact, how can one grow up psychologically if it is important for a person not to lose his ability to enjoy life? The answer is simple: become an adult and take responsibility for your decisions and actions, but at the same time maintain spontaneity, the ability to enjoy the sun, wind and new discoveries. This is possible, moreover, wisdom closely coexists with the ability to enjoy simple things and be grateful to fate for them

Having grown up, a person stops worrying about trifles, he understands that he is not able to influence certain events, but at the same time he knows how to enjoy the new day, the fact that everyone close to him is healthy, there is a job, and life goes on as usual

This is possible; moreover, wisdom closely coexists with the ability to enjoy simple things and be grateful to fate for them. Having grown up, a person stops worrying about trifles, he understands that he is not able to influence certain events, but at the same time he knows how to enjoy the new day, the fact that everyone close to him is healthy, there is a job, and life goes on as usual.

Developing Emotional Maturity

The level of emotional maturity directly depends on the methods of upbringing in childhood, the presence of a developed emotional-volitional sphere, a broad outlook and the desire to improve oneself. If a child is immersed in authoritarian conditions of upbringing, most likely he will grow up to be a weak-willed and vulnerable person. His emotions will be dominated by tearfulness, sadness and mild depression. It will be difficult for such a person to make decisions and implement them. As an adult, it will be more difficult to adjust your emotional intelligence. Sometimes this may require the intervention of a professional psychologist.

To develop the emotional-volitional sphere, it is necessary to complete every task started. This is a very important factor that will lead to a good result, that is, to the development of willpower. You need to be able to work with your negativity, learn to react calmly and correctly, even when it seems that this is impossible. If irritation has accumulated and is ready to spill out on others, you need to arrange an evening to get rid of the negativity: a walk in the fresh air, physical activity, or a hot, relaxing bath. When the negative has the opportunity to escape, the emotional background will always be normal.

Aspects of growing up in girls

How can a girl grow up who feels comfortable in her parents’ home, has all her problems solved for her and is protected from the realities of life?

First of all, a young woman should understand whether she is ready to live her whole life under the wing of her parents or whether she feels a reasonable need to start her own family, to realize herself as a wife and mother.

As a rule, a girl’s psychological growth is helped by a loving and understanding partner, who will explain that her fears associated with entering into married life are groundless and will dispel her doubts about her ability to run a household and raise children.

Marriage exists, among other things, to support each other and help cope with everyday troubles.

Reasons for early adulthood and advice

1. Today's food is stuffed with hormones, harmful substances, and chemicals that the unborn baby receives in the mother's belly. All family members should eat the same and healthy food.
2. Having free access to the Internet, modern children become familiar with the details of their sexual life very early. The brain develops the body, so the anthropometric data of children exceeds the norm, and the psyche develops as it should. An imbalance appears.
3. Children are not protected from economic difficulties in the family and quarrels between spouses. You shouldn’t rush adulthood by depriving your child of childhood.

Teenagers from families with an authoritarian type of upbringing often make mistakes when growing up. They are not accustomed and do not know how to make decisions on their own, and their parents are simply not ready for this.

Those who do the right thing are those who, from childhood, teach the child to think, analyze, and be responsible for his actions.

It is also important to familiarize children in advance with the structure of the human body, gender differences, and changes that occur with age.

All discussions and conversations should be conducted with respect for the child, behaving with him as his friend. You should never make fun of a teenager’s interests; you should try to understand him, and if necessary, explain what the outcome of his decision might be.

It is necessary to talk with growing children as much as possible, but not edifyingly and not as a teacher, but honestly, openly, as a comrade. There should always be time for such conversations.

Try to start making decisions

So, the most important step towards a mature mentality is the ability and willingness to make decisions. As you already understand, this is not a trick of infantile people. Usually they shift important (and trivial) matters onto the shoulders of their family and friends. And it doesn’t matter what scale these decisions are - from the banal choice of food for lunch and the direction of a walk to the purchase of household appliances and payment of utility bills.

Often, in this way, infantile guys shift everything onto the shoulders of their partners, which has a bad effect on the relationship.

If you realize that everything said in some way reflects your situation, mobilize all your strength and start making decisions. For starters, you can do something simple. For example, choose the dish you want to cook for dinner (or at least order), and don’t leave it to your girlfriend.

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Over time, move on to more difficult things, expanding your comfort zone and gaining more and more responsibility points.

Decision making is one of the main qualities of a wealthy man. Here, of course, you shouldn’t overdo it either and deprive your girlfriend of choice, guided by the fact that you need to get rid of infantilism. In this case, a balance must be maintained.

How to grow up psychologically: causes of emotional infantilism

The need for psychological maturation awaits almost every girl who is accustomed to consider herself a spoiled girl. Is it any wonder that such a person does not even allow the thought of her own insolvency and the right of other people to have a personal (sometimes unpleasant for her) opinion. She considers only herself and her own interests to be the standard of correct assessment and justice. Such a lady feels offended when circumstances go against her wishes. Unable to admit her own mistakes and improve internally, the girl considers the world hostile and unfair. Only those girls who realize the importance of not only themselves, but also other people, can emerge victorious from such a situation.

Psychological maturation will also save a young woman who takes revenge for insults and injustice (the cause of which actually lies within herself). Her rebellion and internal dissatisfaction boils down to attempts to prove that she is right at all costs. Otherwise, the girl shows aggression and tries to spite others, thereby only worsening her own situation and relationships with people.

Such a girl will be helped to mature psychologically by realizing the inevitability of prohibitions (as the main condition for organizing life and everyday life) ensuring the harmonious coexistence of different individuals and their safety in society.

In addition, those girls who were suppressed and ridiculed by parents, teachers or peers from childhood often remain psychological children. Here the cause of the problem is hidden in the desire to remain in the shadows and the habit of not relying on one’s own opinion. Their infantilism lies in a subconscious fear of making decisions and seeking encouragement for their own actions from other people. Such individuals often follow the lead of those who are confident in themselves and are easily influenced by outsiders. Only awareness of their own value as a unique individual will help them mature psychologically.

It is very important to increase self-esteem and not be afraid to be the center of attention, as well as learn to defend “your boundaries” without resorting to conflict

Signs of infantility

To understand the difference between an adult, an independent person, and an infantile
But if such behavior is excusable for children - they are in the process of development and maturation - then the same behavior in adults may look somewhat inappropriate. It is worth considering that psychological infantilism is spoken of in different situations, so different people, including specialists, give it different meanings.

This is what people who don’t feel like adults say about themselves:

“I don’t want anything, I’m still lazy. I would like someone to come and do everything for me. I'm looking for a mommy who will serve me, I'm looking for an older comrade who will decide everything for me. I'm like a child in an adult's body. I want to relax in the Maldives, but I vacation there only in my dreams.”

— Leonid, 32 years old

“Mom kept us alone all my life, and I tried to take care of myself and worked small jobs. Now I’m 21, I’ve finished my 3rd year, and summer is ahead. Money has become tight, and over the summer we need to raise a large sum. And I have no idea what to do or where to work. I'M AFRAID! I've been trying for 2 weeks now, time is running out. I went for an interview, but I was so scared that I ran away. Tomorrow I’ll go to another office, but I’m scared! And I’m also ashamed of myself, my mother pulled us along, but I turned out so wrong, I’m not ready for adult life, I can’t cope. I can’t sleep normally, I can’t live either, I don’t know whether I’ll run away tomorrow or something will happen.”

— Olga, 21 years old

Adolescence

Psychologists believe that teenagers are 12-13 year old children. But among modern youth, the first external signs of changes are visible already by the age of 10. Breasts begin to grow in almost 9-year-old girls; by the age of 12, many get their first period.

Boys at this age already have wet dreams. The child’s sharply changing mood, refusal to accept any advice, conflicts and expressions of protest - all this is due to a lack of understanding of what is happening in his body.

The best thing you can do is to always try to understand your son or daughter, hug more often, be attentive and wise. There is no need to change your usual way of life. This period usually lasts 2 years, then a short, quiet life begins.

From the age of 13-14 there is a new surge of hormones, a difficult and stressful time for parents. A teenager begins to perceive the world differently, he has other idols, he can be influenced by any stronger personality. It’s simply impossible to change anything here; there’s only one thing left to do – accept it and wait.

How a girl can grow up psychologically: first steps

The search for solutions that tell a girl how to grow up psychologically does not lie in addiction to alcohol, smoking or physical intimacy with an older partner. A sign of growing up is noticeable in a person’s character, his manner of behaving and taking responsibility.

In addition to the desire to become an adult, the young lady will have to realize that she is independent and psychologically mature. Another equally important aspect is an objective assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. Here you can no longer blame your own problems on mom and dad: the time has come to unravel the intricacies of circumstances yourself.

Psychological maturation is also characterized by a girl’s ability to set priorities, when she knows her own worth, makes independent decisions, evaluates the future and chooses friends. Unlike a child, such a person has inner freedom, but holds himself under the tight grip of self-discipline. However, it is not only the ability to present herself in society that distinguishes a mature girl, but also her concern for others and the desire for material independence.

To become an adult, you often have to change your usual understanding of the world and your own beliefs. Psychological maturity includes the ability to cook, cope with children, adapt to the environment, join a team and work. If you make efforts to learn, master certain skills and dexterity, the harsh conditions of fate will not seem too painful.

If a girl is able to mobilize internal resources to overcome fear in the absence of support from others, she need not be afraid of the future. And the readiness to take decisive action with a sober assessment of the situation is the right path from a gloomy dead end to success and recognition of oneself as an individual. And the ability to understand people, forgive mistakes and love with all your heart will help a girl feel comfortable in human society.

How to start reasoning like an adult, how to think like an adult?

Thinking is a necessary skill and vital resource for an adult. To learn to reason like adults, you need to develop critical thinking.

Growing up happens in stages

5 steps to become more mature and make smart decisions:

1. Find your weak points.

• You probably, like that Yogi Bear, think that you are the smartest person on the planet. We have all put ourselves above other people at least once in our lives. People who are nothing of themselves often have inflated self-esteem.
• Of course, in your defense, you can say that your IQ level is high and you were even an excellent student in school. But this is just an indicator of “confirmation bias” syndrome - you only notice what you want to see and hear.
• Do not agree? Then psychologists will say that you have a “blind spot of bias ,” that is, you stubbornly deny the defects of your own thoughts.
• The unimpeachable fact remains that we are prone to subconscious biases that interfere with our rational decisions.
• Fortunately, people can learn to acknowledge their biases.

1. Admit your mistakes.

• “A person should not be embarrassed to admit that he was wrong. This means that today he has become wiser." - wrote the poet A. Pope.
• The ability to admit one's mistakes is considered a key personality trait, which is called "openness."
• In addition, this trait reflects how easily you can cope with uncertainty and how quickly you are willing to change your thoughts depending on new facts.
• Evaluating yourself humbly and soberly pays off in the long run.
• Intellectual modesty is expressed in the ability to recognize the limits of one's knowledge.

1. Argue with yourself.

• To develop self-criticism, simply accept a position that does not suit you and prove to yourself that it has a place to be. Find arguments, arguments. It is not necessarily correct, but this way you can understand that it is not always only you and your point of view that are right.
• Such internal debate helps to get rid of many stable statements, such as excessive self-confidence.
• Similarly, imagine yourself in the other person's shoes to try to change their point of view.

1. "What happens if…"

• One way to develop flexibility in thinking is to come up with an alternative scenario for the development of a particular event.
• Children use counterfactual thinking when imagining during play. This helps them learn new things and expand their horizons.
• For adults, flexible thinking helps them quickly get out of difficult, non-standard situations.

1. Don't underestimate instructions.

• When we perform a complex task, it is very easy to forget about basic things.
• This is why Dr. Gewande recommends using reminder instructions.

Levels of psychological maturity

The level of psychological maturity is largely measured by the degree of its socialization, since the main signs relate specifically to social interaction and personality structure. This includes the breadth of social contacts, which can be at the level of interaction with a specific person, group of people or humanity. The wider the circle with which a person is able to interact, the higher his level of maturity. In addition, the nature of this social interaction is taken into account, which may consist in the appropriation and use of other people's achievements in the process of contact or in conscious reproduction for the purpose of improvement. An important criterion is social competence, which reflects a person’s ability to navigate various communication situations and social norms.

Among the internal characteristics, the level of maturity reflects the amount of warmth shown towards another, combined with sensitivity so that caring does not turn into intrusiveness. Acceptance of yourself and others helps to establish safe relationships, the opportunity to open up and develop. The higher the level of understanding and acceptance of one’s own personality, the higher the ability to form adequate constructive interaction.

A high level of personal maturity consists of a high development of a sense of responsibility and tolerance. The higher the desire for self-development and the more efficiently and quickly it occurs, the higher the level of psychological maturity we can talk about. This is facilitated by positive thinking and an open attitude towards the world. The development and improvement of personality does not stop either after achieving physical autonomy or social independence. This process is endless and includes a huge number of factors that you can constantly work on - from realizing your own talents to accepting the imperfections of the whole world.

Growing up in men

How can a guy grow up psychologically if throughout his childhood and adolescence he did not see examples of masculine behavior in his family?

It is difficult to become emotionally mature when a boy is raised in a family consisting of women (grandmother and mother, for example). He does not see models of male behavior either in the family or at school (as you know, there are very few male teachers in schools).

Playing on a sports team and practicing martial arts under the guidance of a male coach greatly help in developing masculine qualities in a boy. Playing in a team, he learns to make decisions with an eye on others, learns to obey the orders of the coach, endure failures and overcome difficulties.

Therefore, it is very important to introduce a boy to sports

There is no universal way for a man to mature psychologically. You can be married and have three children, but leave the decision on all important issues for the family to your wife (parents).

How can a guy grow up? Firstly, parents need to delegate to the teenager the decision of issues that are important to him, such as choosing a higher educational institution, choosing a specialty that matches his natural inclinations and skills. By putting effort into the process of enrolling in a university, choosing and arranging premises in a student dormitory, the guy will appreciate what he has more.

Stop depending on the opinions of others

How can a girl grow up psychologically if, since childhood, she has been convinced of her inability to be a good wife and mother? Innocent phrases from parents, teachers and mentors can be destructive.

In psychotherapeutic practice, there are often cases when a relative’s humorous statement that it’s time to stop with the second helping of porridge, otherwise you will soon have to change your entire wardrobe, led to serious illnesses such as anorexia and bulimia. Teenage girls are especially sensitive to such statements; their parents need to know this and be careful in their statements.

Stages of growing up

So, growing up, or adolescence, can be divided into stages:

1. Do not follow your desires, establish yourself as a person.
2. Be able to analyze your actions.
3. Learn to find the right path without violating generally accepted norms of behavior.

4. Give an adequate assessment of your feelings and thoughts with the support of your parent.

If a child does not understand that a rash reaction to an event is unacceptable, he will grow up to be selfish, hot-tempered, capricious, or displaying manifestations of infantilism. These are people with immature psyches.

They have no goal in life, they are like children, they do not know how to decide anything themselves, they are not reliable. The main thing is that they are happy with it, and there is no desire to change. Such a person does not know how to forgive, is indifferent, often cruel and uncontrollable, and is unable to respond to feelings.

Infantility - what is it?

Infantility, or infantilism, is immaturity in development, which is accompanied by the retention of childish mental traits and behavior in an adult. It is important to distinguish the meaning of the term “infantilism” in medicine and psychology. In medicine, this term usually covers a delay in physical or mental development.

Here and below are examples from the forums.

“I grew up with my grandparents, my parents worked constantly. My grandfathers were so protective, they literally told me: “Vova, now you want to eat, sit down at the table. And now you want to play with cars.” I didn’t go to the garden, I didn’t play with the children on the street - they bullied me. School was a blow - everyone was friends, their own company, and I sat in the corner and chewed snot. I still chew it to this day. No family, no friends, no good job, I don’t understand what to do next.”

— Ilya, 27 years old

In this case, infantilism is the result of excessive guardianship. The child is used to having everything decided for him, he does not know how to plan and make decisions - he was simply not given the opportunity to learn.

Children's behavior becomes a habit, inconvenient and bad, but quite amenable to change. In this case, the child's relatives did not give him the opportunity to develop communication skills, which is why it is so difficult for him to function in adulthood.

What other reasons can lead to learned infantile behavior?

Why doesn't taking responsibility make a person truly an adult?

It’s a paradox, but it turns out that you can take responsibility without accepting it from within. This will essentially be what is described above, that is, formal acting of a certain role. A person does everything right, but the motive is not an internal feeling of adulthood, but something else. Such an external motive may be the desire to appear correct in the eyes of others or even to appear adult. “Look everyone, I’m an adult because I bear the burden of responsibility.”

Another form of such a desire is the fear of appearing frivolous, irresponsible, and someone who may not justify someone else’s trust. The motive still remains external, it just changes its sign to “minus”.

Manifestation of maturation during the transition period in adolescents

Many mothers and fathers remember their childhood and how they were independent. But now is a completely different time, one might say, fast and, it is believed, more dangerous. Therefore, probably, modern children are cared for longer and feared for them, depriving them of the right to their own knowledge and conclusions.

A child who considers himself an adult, trying to free himself from guardianship, which, in his opinion, interferes with him, begins to lie, dodge, and be rude. Overly obedient children, on the contrary, give up trying to find their own path, their own solution.

A child begins to grow up when he first says: “I myself!”, but he will be considered an adult only when his parents recognize this. They should teach their children to consider and analyze different points of view of the situation, to reason calmly and draw their own correct conclusions.

The “teachers” themselves should be more attentive and tolerant, be able to listen and talk with their child

It is very important from the first moments of realizing adulthood to put it in the head of a small adult, confirming the words with your example that he is obliged:

• fulfill what he promised
• be able to take responsibility for your own affairs,
• Tolerant of the opinions of others.

In addition to all this, elders need to learn to value trust and not make hasty conclusions. All that is allowed is expressing your feelings, but not a ban.

Formed principles, values ​​and beliefs

In childhood and adolescence, we often find ourselves dependent on the opinions of other people. On the one hand, it helps to find a compromise and establish friendly relations. On the other hand, young people often follow the crowd, try to fit in, pretend to be other people. This deprives them of their uniqueness. An adult can clearly articulate his principles, values ​​and beliefs. He will not indulge anyone if it does not suit his views on life. He is honest with himself, he is real.