Sometimes relationships between loved ones begin to deteriorate, and living together becomes torture. But how to take the first step towards divorce, and is it necessary? Don't ask your acquaintances or friends about this; they will give you the correct answer, even if they have experience. Each family lives differently, and there is no point in giving advice without knowing the true situation. How to decide to divorce your husband, advice from a psychologist will help you answer this question correctly.
Leave your husband or endure it
A common situation is when a woman has been thinking about divorce for years, but changing the situation remains only in her thoughts. Taking responsibility and ending a difficult relationship can be difficult. As a rule, everyone has the same frightening thoughts.
Fear of being alone
Women have a natural desire to preserve the family hearth - to take care of others, to help and protect.
Psychological dependence takes years to form and it is unlikely that it will be possible to get rid of it quickly. A state of anxiety, depressive moods, loss of interest in life - all this is typical for people experiencing a breakup. It is especially difficult for those women who, during their relationship with their spouse, under his influence or through their own mistake, abandoned their own interests and limited communication with friends. Those who hid from the outside world behind the walls of an apartment treat separation as a real disaster, because they will have to relearn how to communicate with people and go on a journey through life on their own.
Try to tune in to a positive mood, do not lose your good mood and faith in yourself under any circumstances. Remember what you loved to do before marriage, gradually return to what used to give you joy. Then life will cease to be a monotonous repetition of routine affairs and will sparkle with new colors.
It is natural to be afraid; fear is fundamentally inherent in human nature. There is no need to be afraid of the prospect of being alone. It is much worse to spend life next to a person for whom love has passed.
Lost Time Trap
Some thoughts that arise in a woman before breaking up and that hold her back from making the right decision seem strange to others, to say the least.
“I spent my best years on him, and he...” - upset women often repeat this phrase in conversations with their friends. What's behind it? First of all, resentment towards oneself, because it is difficult to admit that a wrong decision was once made. Ideal people do not exist, no one is immune from mistakes. There is no need to regret missed opportunities, it happened and passed.
What will people say
Public opinion often keeps a woman from leaving a relationship. It's scary to be left without the support of others. Whispers behind your back and pitying glances only make the situation worse. Those who wish you well will support you in word and deed; the opinions of other “sympathizers” should not bother you.
Why do families break up?
Of course, Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy was right when he wrote that “happy families are similar to each other, unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.” There are a number of reasons that apply to almost all divorces:
- Jealousy and lack of trust. Where trust has disappeared and jealousy has appeared, there is no place for love and peace. Surveillance, suspicions, phone and email checks, scandals out of the blue - this is an incomplete list of what is happening. It is impossible to live without feeling protected, without faith in the person who is nearby. It is still possible to solve the problem at an early stage, but if you neglect it, the relationship will deteriorate quickly and forever. In this case, parting is perhaps a better solution than a painful life together.
- Lack of common goals and interests. Spouses can be complete opposites of each other, but they must look in the same direction. If a couple does not have common goals, sooner or later this will lead to disappointment. Of course, such a union can be kept afloat by children. But they grow up and begin to live their own lives. At this moment, the illusion of a strong union collapses, the man and woman are left without connecting threads. Just two people living next to each other is a sad picture.
- Violence. When it comes to this, people immediately think of fights, beatings, or forced intimacy. But in many marriages, people also face psychological violence. These are attempts to completely control a partner, criticism and insults, showing one’s power, intimidation. Here we will add manipulations, including those related to attempts to protect one of the spouses from the outside world, prohibit communication with anyone, work, and so on. Women engage in psychological violence more often than men.
- False expectations. People are prone to fantasies and love too. Ideas about a partner can temporarily hide reality from view. But sooner or later the veil falls, and the person realizes that what is next to him is not at all the one he imagined in his dreams. Not everyone is ready to put up with false expectations.
- Dependencies. Living with a person with any type of addiction is difficult, almost impossible. Drug addiction, gambling addiction, alcoholism - all this can be safely attributed to serious diseases. Unfortunately, it is impossible to cope with them without the desire of the patient himself. Alcoholics, like gambling addicts and drug addicts, do not admit that they are dependent until the very end and, even realizing that things are bad, refuse help. Trying to help someone who doesn’t need it is a thankless task.
- Development. Oddly enough, development is one of the reasons why separation from a husband or wife occurs. One person from the couple strives forward, develops, sets goals and achieves them, while the second person lives one day at a time and does not want changes. As a result, people move away from each other and lose their connecting threads.
- Problems with finances. Budget is a common reason for marriages to end. There are many unpleasant situations related to money. The spouse can spend the salary at their discretion without investing a penny in general needs. Or manage joint money the way you want, without consulting. It happens that one of the spouses earns much more than the other, which causes a feeling of inferiority.
Women often wonder how to separate from their husband without a scandal. Men can also be tormented by doubts, but they still make decisions faster.
Psychologists say that the causes of separation are divided into external and internal. External ones are jealousy for no reason, everyday squabbles, and so on. This is the tip of the iceberg, which indicates internal problems such as lack of mutual understanding, distance from each other and the like.
Here are some statistics:
- 40% of couples break up due to psychological or physical unpreparedness for marriage,
- 30% - due to the negative dependence of one of the partners on something,
- 15% of men and women separate because of infidelity,
- 9% of families are destroyed due to domestic problems,
- the remaining 6% are due to jealousy, financial problems, sexual dissatisfaction and infertility.
Objective reasons for divorce
Each story is individual. Sometimes it’s worth fighting for a relationship and trying to get back what’s lost. But there are also completely different cases when it is necessary to file for divorce unilaterally without delay.
Physical violence
If a man raises his hand against you or your children, then you should not justify him.
Those who try to teach a lesson with their fists assert themselves by demonstrating their physical superiority. Women get used to both good and bad. And if the first assault causes special psychological pain, then subsequent cases begin to be taken for granted. It shouldn't be this way. Just think about how the psyche of a child is traumatized when he regularly sees his father’s aggressive behavior, does not feel protected at home, and constantly worries about his mother. Does your husband raise his hand to you? Leave without hesitation.
“He hits, it means he loves.” Where did this strange phrase come from? Philologists are at a loss. One of the entries made by priest Sylvester in the 16th century reads: “Beating the body, delivering the soul from death...” Probably, ordinary people interpreted the complex church text in their own way. Phraseologism turned out to be incredibly tenacious. It is strange that many centuries later, for most women, the behavior of a man raising his hand to her seems normal.
Moral violence
Violence can be not only physical, but also moral. Harsh words and caustic remarks cause unbearable pain, affecting self-esteem and mood. If you live with a despot who keeps the whole family in fear, then parting with him needs to be thought out in advance.
How to decide to file for divorce from your husband
If it becomes clear that you cannot do without a divorce, then be determined to do it. Doubts, fear, anxieties, lack of firm conviction in the correctness of the decision made - these are all manifestations of the fear of change, and are by no means remnants of past feelings and hopes that everything will work out.
Before the divorce, there were no issues that would have to be resolved in the new life. You will need strength and energy in solving problems. You will have to get used to new living conditions.
Having common children
Divorce itself is an unpleasant and painful procedure. But it is more difficult for families with a young child or children to divorce. Spouses do not divorce quickly and spontaneously; this process is preceded by a long period of efforts to maintain the relationship for the sake of the children.
The only benefit that children need, and that it is parents who give, is a strong, friendly family, where there is a mother and father who love them and each other. Unfortunately, not all families can boast of this.
If the relationship between the spouses has outlived its usefulness and is completely destroyed, if preserving the family has lost its meaning, the negative emotions accumulated in the parents, in most cases, negatively affect the children.
Parents' scandals and eternal feuds create an unhealthy psychological climate in the family. And this destroys the child’s personality, his little life. For him, the images of his mother and father, as the best people in the world, lose significance. Children often begin to blame themselves for the fact that their parents constantly argue. This will ultimately have a negative impact on their future interpersonal relationships.
Psychologist's advice
You can’t leave your family abruptly, instantly, and to nowhere. This situation occurs against the background of an emotional outburst or in the presence of life danger. You need to break up correctly, drawing up a plan for your desires to end the relationship, that is, realizing what you want from your new life.
You need to know exactly where and how you will live, whether you will build new relationships, etc. It is possible that you will have to change your job and even profession. A woman tries to take care of her appearance, she wants to please her husband and chooses an image that suits him. But since changes are coming, it’s worth thinking about changing your image.
Once you've made a plan, move on to assessing what you have so you can make your goals a reality. It is not advisable to change anything later, after the divorce; do this at the stage of filing the application. For example, find another place to live, change your style or hairstyle. Resolving other significant issues will require more time. If you haven’t worked before and will need money after a divorce, think about dividing the business. By the way, you can share not only the financial part of the business, but also the efforts that were invested in its development.
Psychologist's advice
The most important thing that psychologists advise is to try to maintain a positive attitude in any situation. There are no mistakes, only experience. Everything that happened has made you stronger and wiser, taught you to understand yourself and people, make decisions and take responsibility.
The unknown is always scary, so women who are thinking about divorce often feel frightened, afraid and even despair.
Talk to your loved ones, understand that you will not be left alone with your problems. Support can come at the most unexpected moment. You shouldn’t rely too much on others, remember that it’s up to you to decide how to live further.
If possible, then try to part with your spouse on good terms, thank him for the pleasant moments and remember those moments that gave you both joy. Let each other go and wish each other luck.
How to end a relationship correctly?
How to break up with your husband without quarrels, scandals and mutual hostility? A question that is relevant to many. Spouses are close people who have a lot in common. Common property, habits, friends, relatives. It is quite difficult to separate all this and stop communicating completely. Especially if there is resentment.
It is even more important to separate peacefully if there is a child in the family. Parents always remain parents; they need to establish peaceful communication so that the baby lives in peace and harmony. Therefore, knowing how to divorce your husband without a scandal is important for every woman.
Stage 1: Survive the First 90 Days
The first 90 days after a divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you are left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state to being lost. You are lost and don’t know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” has compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after divorce.
Start with a reboot in your own home
Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing it away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things and use the proceeds to buy something you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or that chic four-poster bed.
Organize your home space
Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Every thing has its place,” “Like to like,” and “One thing in the house, one out of the house.” When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Take the time to take before and after photos so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.
Take care of yourself
Get a new hairstyle or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the Internet with simple exercises. Over time, you will get the hang of it and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
Inspect your refrigerator
Throw everything fatty and unhealthy into the trash: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.
Plan activities for every day
In the first months after a divorce, you don’t want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Take courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling blues on Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication and social interaction are one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.
Isolation brings about dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words and actions that we later regret.
Stop whining
Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress levels, use the “gratitude jar” technique. Place a beautiful jar on your bedside table and every evening put a note in it that captures the most positive moment of the day. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
