What is the neurotic need for love?
The neurotic need for love is the exaggerated need of some people for emotional affection, positive evaluation from others, their advice and support, well known to every psychotherapist, as well as for exaggerated suffering if this need is not satisfied.
What is the difference between normal and neurotic need for love? We all want to love and be loved, if we succeed, we feel happy. To this extent, the need for love, or more precisely, the need to be loved, is not neurotic. In a neurotic person, the need to be loved is exaggerated. If the people around you are less kind than usual, this spoils the mood of a neurotic. It is important for a mentally healthy person to be loved, respected and valued by those people whom he values; the neurotic need for love is obsessive and indiscriminate.
Such neurotic reactions are very clearly identified in the process of psychoanalysis, since the “patient-psychoanalyst” relationship has one feature that distinguishes it from other human relationships. In psychoanalysis, the relatively measured emotional involvement of the psychotherapist creates the opportunity to observe these neurotic manifestations in a more vivid form than happens in everyday life: we see again and again how much patients are willing to sacrifice in order to earn the approval of their psychotherapist, and how scrupulous they are in everything, which may cause his displeasure.
Among all the manifestations of the neurotic need for love, I would like to highlight one that is quite common in our culture. This is an overestimation of love, characteristic, first of all, of a certain type of woman. We are talking about neurotic women who feel insecure, unhappy and depressed always, unless there is someone infinitely devoted to them who would love them and take care of them. For such women, the desire to get married takes the form of obsession. They get stuck on this desire as if hypnotized, even if they themselves are absolutely incapable of love and their attitude towards men is obviously bad.
Another significant feature of the neurotic need for love is its insatiability, expressed in terrible jealousy: “You must love only me.” By jealousy we do not mean here a reaction based on actual facts, but rather insatiability and the demand to be the only object of love.
Another expression of the insatiability of the neurotic need for love is the demand for unconditional love. “You are obligated to love me no matter how I behave.” Even the fact that in psychoanalysis the patient must pay the psychotherapist serves as proof for the neurotic that the psychotherapist’s original intention was not to help at all: “If I wanted to help, I wouldn’t take money.”
In their attitude towards their own love life, similar ideas prevail: “He (s) loves me only because he receives sexual satisfaction.” The partner is obliged to constantly prove his “true” love, while sacrificing his moral ideals, reputation, money, time, etc. Any failure to fulfill these always absolute requirements is interpreted by the neurotic as betrayal.
Another sign of a neurotic need for love is extreme sensitivity to rejection. Any nuances in a relationship that could be interpreted as rejection are perceived by a neurotic only as such, and he responds to them with hatred.
Ultimately, the main question arises: why is it so difficult for a neurotic to satisfy his need for love?
One reason is the insatiability of his need for love, for which there will never be enough.
Another reason is the neurotic personality's inability to love.
The neurotic is not aware of his inability to love. He usually doesn't even know that he doesn't know how to love. More often than not, the neurotic lives under the illusion that he is the greatest of lovers and capable of the greatest dedication. He clings to this self-deception because it performs a very important function in justifying his claims to love. It is this self-deception that allows the neurotic to demand more and more love from others, and this would be impossible if he really realized that he actually does not care about them.
Another reason why it is so difficult for a neurotic to feel loved is the exorbitant fear of rejection. This fear can be so great that it often prevents him from approaching other people even with a simple question. They live in constant fear that the other person will push them away. He may even be afraid to give gifts for fear of rejection.
Fear of rejection and a hostile reaction to rejection cause the neurotic to withdraw more and more from people. Such people can be compared to people dying of hunger, who could take food if their hands were not tied behind their backs. They are convinced that no one can love them, and this conviction is unshakable.
The fear of love is closely related to the fear of dependence. Since these people actually depend on the love of others and need it like air, the danger of falling into a painful dependent position is very great indeed. They are all the more afraid of any form of dependence because they are convinced of the hostility of other people.
How can this neurotic need for love with its constant exaggeration, pathological obsession and insatiability be understood?
One might think that the neurotic need for love is an expression of the infantile “fixation on the mother.” This is confirmed by the dreams of such people, in which the desire to fall to the mother's breast or return to the mother's womb is directly or symbolically expressed. The history of their childhood really shows that they either did not receive enough love and warmth from their mother, or that they were already extremely strongly (obsessively) attached to her as children. In the first case, the neurotic need for love is an expression of a persistent desire to achieve, at any cost, the maternal love that they did not receive in childhood. In the second case, it seems that this is a direct repetition of clinging to the mother.
In many cases, the obvious interpretation seems to be that the neurotic need for love is the expression of significant deficits in self-esteem. Low self-esteem, treating oneself as one's worst enemy, and attacks on oneself are typical companions of such people who need love in order to feel safe and raise their low self-esteem.
Often the neurotic need for love manifests itself in the form of sexual advances towards the therapist. The patient expresses through his behavior or dreams that he or she is in love with the therapist and seeks some kind of sexual involvement. In some cases, the need for love manifests itself directly or even exclusively in the sexual sphere.
To understand this phenomenon, we must remember that sexual desires do not necessarily express sexual need as such - expressions of sexuality can also represent a type of orientation towards contact with another person. The neurotic need for love is more likely to be expressed in the form of sexuality, the more difficult the emotional relationships with other people are. In such cases, sexuality is one of the few, and perhaps the only, bridge thrown to another person.
Be afraid not to do
“Just do it” is perhaps the most famous motivational message. And perhaps the most effective. Its main problem is the imperative mood. In practice, you are not “obligated” or “supposed” to do anything that is not legally mandated. When we hear the opposite from friends, family and loved ones, we either get angry or feel guilty.
I found an effective alternative to this call - a reminder that inaction does not remain without consequences, and habitual actions create only habitual problems. To prove the effectiveness of this reminder, I like to tell the story of counseling a young man whom we will call Maxim.
Maxim came to me with the problem of panic attacks, which had periodically bothered him for the last few years. By the way, he has already consulted specialists and taken anti-anxiety medications. The cause of severe anxiety and panic attacks was Maxim’s lifestyle. He was a workaholic, had not taken a vacation for the last 5 years and had long ago given up his hobbies in order to devote himself only to work, despite the fact that he had a wife and two children.
At the first consultation, I asked Maxim to create a “Cost/Benefit” list, in which in the “Costs” section he had to write down the actions that, in his opinion, are necessary to reduce anxiety, and in the “Benefits” list, potential bonuses for overcoming anxiety with the help of these actions . Such a list at the first stages helps to understand where to move first and creates motivation for change.
A week later, Maxim sent me a list with four items in the “Costs” section:
3. Worry less about money.
4. Try to work on your own project.
At the second consultation, I give the person the first practical tasks and talk about the principles of psychological change. The main task that Maxim received was to learn to bring his anxious desires and doubts to the end.
The idea is simple - Maxim’s anxiety gives rise to fear of uncertainty:
– If I change jobs, I may lose the accumulated experience.
– If I rest more, I won’t be as productive.
– If I allow myself to spend extra money, I could lose a lot of money.
– If I try to create my own project, it may fail.
In Maxim’s case, such fear was created by a special childhood experience. The fact is that Maxim’s parents themselves were left quite early without parents and means of livelihood, they did not have a rich inheritance and they had to achieve everything on their own, which they often told their children about. This left its mark on Maxim.
For example, at the university Maxim studied with “excellent marks” because he was afraid of feeling guilty for bad grades. After all, these grades would mean that his parents wasted money on him, which was given to them with great difficulty. He never wanted to show his weakness and even years after graduating from university he was afraid of disappointing his parents by turning out to be a bad son or a failure:
“Your parents took a hard road to success, now you have to work hard too.”
This does not mean that Maxim's parents did not love or Maxim did not love them. He was sincerely grateful and appreciated them for all the lessons, but this attitude cemented in him the belief of conditional love, according to which he must constantly work to live up to the expectations of the “ideal son”. The only way to shake this belief is to violate these “ideal” expectations. Meet your real, albeit contradictory, desires to make sure of two things:
– They don’t make me a bad person (a loser or a bad son).
– I can cope with the problems that my desires will bring.
Straightforwardness
Men's psychology in love and relationships differs from women's perception. Ladies get satisfaction from the communication process itself. For guys, this is a way to get some information. A man perceives what he hears as it is. Veiled phrases and complex hints are not the best option to reach the hearts of the stronger sex. The simpler and more straightforward the phrase is, the higher the likelihood of mutual understanding.
The chosen one expects from her gentleman that he will guess about her desires, almost reading her thoughts. However, confusing hints and florid phrases only complicate the situation; it is difficult for a man to understand what they really want from him? Such misunderstandings often lead to female disappointment. In male psychology, the response is manifested by irritation and temper. Guys feel dissatisfied, but don’t understand why they can’t directly express their desire?
The logical mindset of men is built in such a way as to speak clearly and concisely, and to receive specific answers to questions. Ladies who explain their own needs as clearly as possible simplify the task not only for the chosen one, but also for themselves.
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Typical mistakes of men and women in relationships
So that a man does not have to experience a feeling of loneliness, it is recommended to reconsider some views on the institution of love relationships. Guys make unforgivable mistakes, because of which the bright feeling in the heart of the chosen one gradually fades away:
- Lack of concentration during dialogue. Asking a girl to repeat words she said 30 seconds ago is a real problem for a regularly distracted guy.
- Men do not ask questions and are not interested in the life of their chosen one, who has a clear feeling that her feelings are “cooling down.”
- Guys underestimate the intellectual abilities of their other half, trying to regularly give useful advice and recommendations. Girls are offended by this attitude, because they simply share their experiences with men, and do not seek help, demonstrating their inadequacy.
- Representatives of the stronger half of humanity are trembling and vulnerable creatures who have a negative attitude towards raising their voices and other methods of dominance, perceiving such an action on the part of a woman as an attack. The quarrels that happen are a figment of the male imagination, and not the girl’s efforts to “get” the guy out.
- Men are careerists, so they often place success at work higher in the hierarchical ladder than the feelings of their chosen one. A girl in such a situation does not feel support and confidence in the future, because she does not become the meaning of life for the guy.
- Guys resolve conflicts without pause or hesitation, trying to explain to women that they are wrong in the midst of a quarrel. Girls do not understand this behavior, believing that the man is simply trying to hurt her more.
- White noise is a phenomenon that some guys prefer to use to end a conversation that requires continuation. By leaving a woman's requests or spiritual experiences unanswered, men do not understand how much they belittle the dignity of their loved one.
The fairer sex cannot do without correction of behavioral habits, who also make many mistakes and mistakes in love relationships. To avoid a divorce from her husband, it is enough for a girl not to make the following mistakes:
- Girls compare their chosen one with other men who were able to achieve great career heights by this age. Such examples do not inspire guys, but, on the contrary, lower their initially normal self-esteem.
- Women doubt the competence of guys as advisers in life situations, preferring the company of their friends. With this behavior, representatives of the fair sex greatly hurt male pride, groundlessly belittling the ego of guys.
- Countless attempts to change a man by eradicating bad habits or genetic features of the body structure. The desire for perfection is an excellent reason to become better, but guys should come to such a conclusion on their own, and not after being forced by the girl they love.
- Women do not appreciate men's generosity and care, which is manifested in compliments, gifts and romantic dates. If a guy doesn’t feel needed, then he quickly loses interest in his chosen one.
- The girl tries to delve into the work process of the “breadwinner”, offering help and giving advice that is not supported by facts. A career is a phenomenon that appeared in a man long before a woman, so the desire to engage in a joint business with a guy will not be successful.
- Representatives of the fairer sex allow themselves, in the midst of a quarrel, to insult and raise their hands against a man, without thinking about the consequences. At one point, the guy will get tired of holding back, pack his things and leave the room, or show his chosen one the door.
- A woman does not support her loved one in various endeavors, criticizing ideas and expressing her dissatisfaction with plans for the future. With the inspiration of a girl, guys are capable of great things. Unfortunately, not all chosen ones are aware of this fact.
For a man, low self-esteem is a path to personality destruction, and for a woman, lack of attention and affection is a good reason to doubt her own attractiveness. To avoid the above mistakes, it is enough to have an evening of revelations once a week, and not read through the marriage contract in search of a catch.
A love relationship between a man and a woman is a world in which harmony and understanding should reign. A properly inspired guy is capable of great things, and a girl who is confident in her own necessity and attractiveness will “thank” her chosen one behind the shade of the canopy like never before. The main thing is to get rid of negative thoughts, enjoy the moment and make plans for a bright future.
Psychology of conscious relationships
The effectiveness of communication depends on the level of personal development and experience. Everyone bears personal responsibility for the development of relationships. Not everyone understands that imposing a subjective opinion, a statement like “he is obliged” does not lead to anything. As soon as complaints and emotions begin, the constructive component immediately leaves the conversation.
People turn to mutual reproaches and stop hearing their interlocutor. The dialogue is devoted to proving correctness, and is built on the principle of accusatory and acquittal speech in court. If no one gives in, the energy of negative emotions sweeps away everything in its path. The winner is the one who managed to humiliate the opponent the most or reached the point of assault.
Smart interlocutors intuitively sense the boundaries of what is permitted and do not invade personal space. Mature relationships are in many ways similar to business partnerships between partners. What will a businessman do if cooperation is no longer profitable? Will he appeal to his partner’s conscience or accuse him of dishonesty? He will simply break the contract. This is exactly what couples do if the relationship becomes unprofitable.
A little about the main thing
Love is that cherished feeling that all people want to experience in their lives. Every person, regardless of age and gender, would like to receive warmth and tenderness from others. For some, the love of loved ones is enough, for others, they need to be loved by everyone. But you can’t be good to everyone. Almost no one likes bad people except those close to them.
Experts believe that the need for universal love is a serious psychological problem that needs to be combated. It is possible that a person underestimates himself, and therefore he tries to be very good for everyone, so that others will love him.
