When people live together, they get used to each other's character, and this explains that every year there are fewer and fewer quarrels. When you’re young, when you don’t have a family yet, and you just started dating recently, grinding can’t be avoided. This is quite natural: different views, temperaments, levels of upbringing and education, and national traditions collide. But the most important thing is that there is a conflict of the sexes.
The problem is that for overly emotional girls, every little detail in a relationship is important, while young people who are more reserved and do not show their feelings in public view usually go directly to some goal and do not notice these very details.
Today we will help the fair sex to develop tactics and understand what to do if there is a quarrel with a guy: is it worth going to reconciliation first and how to reduce the number of conflicts if you want to save the relationship.
On the road to reconciliation
First of all, you need to understand that the occurrence of a quarrel is a normal phenomenon in the relationship between a man and a woman. Several factors can play a key role in the emergence of conflicts between you and your boyfriend:
- Differences in the psychology of men and women. In the language areas of the brain, women have 17% more neurons than men. This explains the desire to express one's emotions through communication. The limit of words spoken by a woman per day is 8,500. The most talkative people use about 15,000 words. An impressive figure. The communication limit of the stronger sex is limited to 3500-4000 words. It is important to note that men use communication exclusively as a means of communication. They prefer to relax in silence, while women need emotional relief;
- A woman by nature thinks and talks about several things at the same time. Men tend to pay attention to a specific problem. The male brain is tuned to perform a specific task; it simply cannot perceive an unlimited flow of information;
- Women are prone to empathy and during a conversation pay special attention to the intonation of their interlocutor. Representatives of the fair sex tend to make decisions under the influence of emotions, while men are reasonable in their actions;
- Men perceive veiled information very poorly and do not understand hints. When talking to him, avoid ambiguity. Express the essence as specifically as possible;
- The male half of humanity turns out to be completely helpless in everyday situations. Spatial thinking is to blame. A young man may have an excellent understanding of the exact sciences and mechanics, but stubbornly ignore simple everyday trifles. For example, a new hairstyle for your companion.
Men's perception of the world around them is significantly different from women's. But there is no need to argue with nature, since the characteristics inherent in representatives of different sexes, together, perfectly complement each other.
"One of us often ignores the other"
Completely ignoring your partner is a very bad behavior strategy.
It's worth noting that conspicuously ignoring another person is not the same as saying, "I'm really angry, so I need to take a break to calm down." According to Torrisi, many people confuse these things, so they resist the idea of breathing space before resolving a conflict. But there is a big difference between these two types of behavior. In one case, we show respect and act fairly. In another, we don’t care and we just want to punish our partner.
Ignoring is often used for manipulation. This is an example of denial of emotional connection and a type of revenge - an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. This behavior often means the end of a relationship, as it implies that one partner no longer wants to deal with the common problem.
How men usually behave after a quarrel
By the behavior of a man after a quarrel, you can understand a lot about his character. A few simple tips will tell you what type your lover is:
- The first type includes men who prefer to take a wait-and-see approach after a quarrel. Such men are not used to taking the initiative into their own hands; they tend to let the problem take its course. Such behavior is an example of psychological defense against conflict. This way of solving problems is characteristic of young people in whose families the authoritarian role was assigned to the mother. When entering into a relationship with a woman, a young man projects maternal behavior onto his girlfriend, fiancee, wife (underline as appropriate);
- The second type of “guilty” people like to shower their chosen one with gifts and flowers. Up to a certain point, this method causes awe in a woman. But if a man prefers to smooth out the situation with gifts, it’s worth considering! Typically, such men believe that it is easier to buy the affection of their beloved than to listen to another complaint. If your boyfriend is this type, you should think about whether he really cares about your feelings?
- The third type includes men who prefer to resolve conflicts within the bedroom. A sort of macho man who needs constant confirmation of his own need through physical intimacy. They do not like to take on the burden of responsibility and prefer to live in pleasure. Unable to achieve emotional intimacy with a partner, they replace it with physical intimacy.
- The fourth type of men are distinguished by their infantility. When quarreling, they prefer to imitate their partner, copying her behavior. Such men are easy-going and very difficult to offend. They turn a controversial situation into a joke, which in some cases is the best way out of the conflict.
- Finally, the fifth type. Finding out relationships with this type of man is like a meeting of Congress. They approach problematic issues with the utmost seriousness and can spend hours discussing the best ways to resolve the situation. This behavior is typical of strong, self-confident men who prefer to solve a problem in one fell swoop.
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How to behave after a quarrel
The correct behavior of a woman after a quarrel largely determines the success of the relationship. All quarrels end sooner or later and it is important to approach the reconciliation process competently.
Psychologists advise not to make decisions in the heat of the moment; it is important to give yourself time to “cool down,” because, as they say, “anger is a bad advisor.”
Free yourself from negative thoughts
At the first stage, you need to calm down and let off steam. The best way to get rid of negative emotions is to keep yourself busy. If you have a hobby, now is the time to remember it. Jogging in the morning, bead weaving, cooking culinary masterpieces - all this will help throw out anger and direct thoughts in the right direction.
Analyze the situation after a quarrel
After you have calmed down, try to mentally return to the conflict and analyze the situation. To get the right answers, you need to ask the right questions.
Here is a list of questions to think about after a fight:
- What can I do to solve the problem?
- What was I wrong about?
- In what cases can I give in?
- What did he want to say?
- What did I say that might upset him?
It is important to sometimes put yourself in your partner's shoes. This way you can better understand your man and the reason for his actions.
Set yourself up for a positive vibe
Psychosomatics is a great thing! The success of solving a problem largely depends on the right attitude.
Experts say that our brain does not know how to distinguish what is real from what is imagined, so what we think affects our lives. Allow yourself to dream and be positive. But do not allow yourself to think that your beloved is acting in a way that is not typical for him. It is better to imagine scenes of a happy life together. This tactic will not only improve your mood, but will bring the development of the desired relationship scenario closer.
What should be the conversation after a quarrel?
After analyzing the situation, you can take the path of reconciliation. In this case, it is important to use the right communication tactics. A few simple recommendations will help you build the right conversation.
- Make sure that there are no distractions during the conversation;
- Try to listen to your partner without interrupting;
- Show maximum attentiveness and tact in conversation;
- Try not just to listen, but to hear;
- Under no circumstances should you laugh at the young man.
When talking, it is important to describe your emotional state as much as possible during the quarrel. Tell us what offended you. Do not throw accusations; as a rule, such an approach will not bring results, but will only aggravate the situation. When explaining your position, speak calmly and to the point.
Don't throw around insults! Next time the young man will not remain silent, so why bother. In fact, men are not prone to violent manifestations of emotions, so constructive dialogue is the best solution on the path to reconciliation.
In what cases should you break off a relationship with a man?
Sometimes the best solution to a problem is to break up with a man. In fact, there are three scenarios for the development of events:
- A husband prone to bad habits. This is not about smoking at all. Your man’s addiction to alcohol, drugs, and gambling is a serious reason to break up with him without hesitation;
- Clarification of relations by force. The saying “He hits, means he loves” was invented by women who are inclined to sacrifice themselves for the sake of love. But do you need this kind of love?
- Didn't have enough time. Cheating happens for various reasons. But, if they are an integral part of the relationship, do not expect the man to change, most likely this will not happen.
In any case, each situation in the relationship between a woman and a man is individual. Therefore, before you “cut in hot”, seek advice from a psychologist. Perhaps there is another way out in the current critical situation.
Now you know how to behave after a quarrel with a man. The most important thing is to have a calm, constructive conversation with your significant other.
Video: how to behave after a quarrel - advice from a psychologist
“In our quarrels there is a lot of swearing and insults”
Abuse is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. If you and your partner frequently use swear words in everyday speech, you may think it's no big deal. But insulting another person during an argument is counterproductive. This turns healthy discussion into conflict.
In addition, insults take attention away from the feelings you want to communicate. So if you often say things like “Why are you such a bitch?”, then you should start explaining yourself differently. For example, “I feel disrespected,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m upset,” “I’m very disappointed.”
It is important to have a broad emotional vocabulary, but few people know how to develop it. Sometimes it is worth reminding your partner that the problem will be resolved more quickly if he talks about his own feelings.
You will become a better person
You learn to focus on what matters most. The fact that your significant other is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. This is how you become more patient, understanding and caring, and learn to truly love.
When you're in the middle of a fight, you're clearly not having fun. You feel disgusting. In a way, quarrels are like sports training. Isn't it always nice to sweat at the gym? No. But this is how you improve your weak points.
Greg Godek
To quarrel is to forge a sword of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.
You will begin to trust each other more
Conflicts that cannot be resolved quickly terrify many couples so much that they prefer to avoid them at all costs.
People consider such quarrels to be fatal to relationships. And completely in vain. If you manage to talk without getting personal, but without suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them accessible to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will understand this when the storm subsides.
Having survived one quarrel, you will be less afraid of the next ones. You will begin to trust your partner and yourself more, knowing that you can fully cope with possible disagreements. As a result, you won't put off difficult conversations with your significant other until the last minute. You will understand that it is better not to accumulate negative emotions, but to find out what is wrong as early as possible.
Waiting time4
In some cases, it is enough to withstand an hour or two, and in more severe scandals, it may be worth remaining silent for a week. Longing and tender feelings for a partner will make it clear how stupid and frivolous the disagreement was, which forced loving people to move away.
The guy will have time to realize his own and other people’s mistakes, cool down, feel the desire to meet and conduct a dialogue. The girl needs to wait a certain time and not call, no matter how strong the desire to hear her native voice. If guilt haunts you, it is acceptable to send a message of apology. An angry man will calm down and be able to soberly evaluate what he read.
Rule No. 6: if the man is at fault, assess the damage received and ask for compensation
If the man was still wrong and has already admitted his mistakes, experts advise not to be shy about asking for compensation for the suffering or inconvenience caused to you.
“For the first time, there is no need to forgive anything and say: “Come on, everything is fine, my love!”, because the situation caused the woman discomfort. It is important to explain to the man once what the problem is and clearly indicate that you do not like this attitude towards yourself. The best way to demonstrate this is to talk to a man: “This made me uncomfortable and damaged my nervous system and health, and I don’t like to be nervous. Therefore, to atone for your guilt, buy me such and such a thing. Then I will forgive you, but I will no longer tolerate such antics directed at me. I respect others, but I demand the same from myself in relationships.”
And tell (just tell, not ask) the man to buy you something that will be adequately commensurate with the damage caused to you. Not a dish sponge or frying pan. Not a carnation or a single rose. Not a chocolate bar or a diet bar. And something significant that will make a man regret what he did and work hard to atone for his guilt,” says Anastasia Stepanenko.
Necessary pause3
Before properly making peace with a guy, a girl must take an appropriate pause. They both lost their temper, said too much and need to “calm the storm.” Some respite and mutual silence will allow partners to think about what was said and heard.
At a distance from each other, they will first analyze the mistakes and behavior of the other half, then their own mistakes. A pause is necessary for some reassessment of the relationship. She makes it clear what the girl and the guy were wrong about, what words were said in the heat of the moment, what should not have been said at all.
Warm, sincere apologies7
A girl needs to understand how to make peace with a guy after a quarrel. If she proves that she is right and continues to make claims, the man will hang up and will not show up soon. The conflict created by a woman requires a sincere and sincere apology.
It is necessary to leave behind pride and unnecessary prejudices: when a woman is guilty, it is her duty to ask for forgiveness. There is no need to whine, cry and beg for forgiveness. However, the proud tone of the Snow Queen, condescending to a mere mortal, is also useless. It is enough to simply and gently ask for forgiveness and tell the young man how dear he is and how much the girl needs him. Your partner will undoubtedly like such a heartfelt speech.
Act through the bed
This method has become almost a classic of the genre. For many couples, sex becomes the most convenient and effective means of reconciliation. This option is not bad if you use it once or twice without making it a habit.
Pros of reconciliation in bed:
- During sex, you can give free rein to your hands. And even teeth. You can give each other a good spanking as punishment for a quarrel, and bite each other lightly.
- In bed you manage to throw out all the negativity. Grievances will be forgiven and forgotten by themselves. You don't have to figure anything out. You will appreciate each other once again, and you will understand that having sex is much more pleasant than quarreling.
Minuses:
- It has been noticed that after quarrels, couples have particularly vibrant and productive sex . As a result, a couple, or one of them, can consciously or subconsciously provoke conflicts, counting on a stormy “reconciliation.”
- This method does not involve airing grievances. As a result, the problem is driven deeper, and at the slightest provocation it will be brought to the surface, and conflict will arise again.
