The moment a spouse cheats, a shift occurs in the relationship and it can be very difficult to rebuild the trust that previously existed in the marriage. I often work with people who come to me for help rebuilding relationships after cheating. I won't sugarcoat it, this is no walk in the park. Rebuilding trust after being deceived is not an easy task, but it is possible.
Decide whether the relationship is worth saving.
Each of you could, for example, write a pros and cons list of why you should or shouldn't be together. Think about why exactly you want to save this relationship.
Perhaps you're just afraid to be alone. Or you think that no one else will pay attention to you.
You also need to think about what you want from your relationship. If you understand that you love her, then you are doing everything right. Perhaps the girl is changing and she is no longer so interested in you, and infidelity is simply a consequence of that.
You must understand that your love, friendship, and common goals are on the same scale. And on the other - the fact of betrayal. Maybe it’s better to start building a life without her?
Dissatisfaction
“We have different libidos,” “I love BDSM, but my husband doesn’t,” “I love blowjobs, but my wife is disgusted.” Paradoxically, such “little details” often become clear when months, if not years, of relationship are already behind you.
Libido may be hypertrophied in the initial stages (see the previous paragraph), but drop down to a level that is natural for a person (and yes, this also happens to men) when dates in a dark cinema are replaced by a general budget and untaken trash.
Many people at first go for atypical or even uncomfortable things in sex (because they are overwhelmed with feelings or in the expectation of “this is just this one time”), and then they are surprised to discover that this is not a one-time thing at all and that without hormonal euphoria, whipping a partner They don't have any fun with the whip anymore.
If a person is not ready to compromise, his undesirable partner is faced with a choice: deny himself and endure, or seek satisfaction on the side. Many choose the latter. And they can be understood.
Hundreds of pages of text can be (and have been) written about how to prevent betrayal, but we are talking about a fait accompli with two assumptions:
- Cheating is an anomaly. A partner who goes beyond the agreements does not do this systematically, it just happened this time.
- The other participant in the relationship found out about this one way or another.
Talk about feelings.
After you both have cooled down, you just need to talk to each other about everything that happened. You must speak calmly, without emotion, with respect. You must be as sincere and open as possible.
Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings and express them. Talk about what hurts you, if it really is.
But here it is very important not to slip into cheap manipulations and provocations. Be careful when you want to convey anything to your girlfriend. Be sure to ask if she understood you correctly.
Listen to her and look for a way out of the situation.
If she asks questions about your cheating, answer honestly. Be prepared that she will ask the same thing. Don't get mad, answer sincerely, over time she will calm down.
Don't share details about sex. This will be an unpleasant memory for her. Protect her from such information.
If you changed
Give your partner what he wants
Someone wants to cry. Let him cry. Someone - burn the photographs. Let them burn. Someone wants to know all the details. Really, until my knees tremble. With whom, how, when, how it happened. In what position. If you can't get away with it, give them. Without emotions, without panache or complacency, just dry facts.
Some people want to be alone and think things through. Pack your things and go to your friends/sister/parents. Or don’t stop your partner from leaving on his own if he can’t bear to be in your shared home.
Don't judge, interpret, or laugh at the absurd ways a person tries to cope with stress. Just step aside and try not to wince when the set your mother gave you as a housewarming gift flies against the wall. You didn't really like him.
Patience!
Don't force a return to the status quo. What you are used to - a warm smile at breakfast, a kiss before leaving for work, sex, after all - may be postponed indefinitely. Even if you were forgiven in words, the sediment, as they say, remains, and it must be given time to settle.
Someday it will be overwhelmed by new pleasant impressions and emotions - you will be surprised how often the absence of some little thing, like a kiss before work, straightens your mind and reminds you of what you could have lost - but for now you will have to live in a state of “cold war”.
Be patient.
Cheating is a sign of problems.
Many people think that cheating itself is the main problem.
But this suggests that there are many hidden problems in the couple. You may not have noticed them or turned a blind eye to them. Happy people don't cheat, so think about it.
In order to improve your relationship, you need to be honest with each other about the real reasons. About what prompted the change and what gave the main impetus. Only then can you move on.
Otherwise, the situation may repeat itself again.
What to do if your husband cheats?
The first reaction of most people after discovering that their spouse is cheating is to end the marriage. Most women cannot even imagine a normal relationship after broken trust. The image of a husband in the arms of his mistress is infuriating. First of all, the thought immediately comes to mind: should I save my marriage after cheating?
But, remarkably, most infidelities do not lead to divorce. In fact, most couples try to reconcile after cheating and usually succeed. But even after a fairly successful reconciliation, distrust in the spouse often persists for a long time.
You might think that after a husband and wife restore their love for each other after an affair, all will be forgiven and all will be forgotten? Much can be forgiven, but not everything can be forgotten. In fact, many spouses find that memories of their spouse's betrayal haunt them decades after it happened.
Is it possible to erase the memory of this case? I believe that this is impossible. But the resentment associated with this memory can be overcome, and this is the topic of my article today.
I offer you three letters from my subscribers on the topic of betrayal to illustrate what hurt and resentment feel like for many people. And then I will explain how to cope with resentment in this most painful situation.
“Hello, Nadezhda! I recently found out that a little over a year ago my husband had an affair with a work colleague. The avalanche of emotions that covered my head was simply devastating and I just can’t come to terms with it. How to forgive your husband after cheating?
I know that my reluctance to make love to him before his affair may have contributed to his temptation, so I try to meet his needs now.
But the problem is that, although I still love him very much, I get really shaky when he touches me, let alone having sex with him. Whenever we try to have sex, all I can think about is the other women he has been with and these thoughts make me unable to breathe freely and I begin to choke! I have trouble sleeping and have a constant headache.
My husband says that the affair with that woman ended a long time ago and I need to learn to let go of this situation, but since this is so new to me, I just can’t, I can’t do anything. Please help me with advice. How to improve relationships after your husband cheats? What can I do to start getting better? How can I get my old relationship back after my husband cheated? KS
“Dear Nadezhda Alexandrovna, I am asking you for help. My husband and I were classmates. We got married right after finishing school and almost immediately gave birth to our first daughter. When our daughter was two and I was 20, I had sex with another man, just once, and felt terrible afterwards. My husband, when he found out about everything, was very hurt, but we still decided to stay together. Then we had two more children.
After much thought, I came to the conclusion that the reason I had sex with another man (whom I haven't seen since) was because I felt neglected and unattractive at the time. I think the biggest mistake I made back then was not telling my husband about these feelings before I decided to cheat on him with another man. And I so wanted to feel desired and attractive!
More than 10 years have passed. Life together after betrayal, of course, changed. Despite the passing of the years, my husband has not forgotten about my mistake. Today it is also fresh in his memory, as if it happened just yesterday. I feel deep down that he really learned from that past experience. I was young, stupid and immature. But whenever we have any disagreement, especially when I don’t feel like having sex with him, he remembers this. I have to live with the reminder of my mistake all the time, for 10 years!!!
Since then we have had many close moments. But my husband never forgets my past infidelity and says that I can no longer be trusted.
Please give advice if you can. How to save a family after betrayal? My husband is my best friend and I know he loves me. What can I do to help him finally find peace and overcome the memory of my wrongdoing? How to maintain our relationship after betrayal and is it worth the effort? Marina
“Nadezhda Alexandrovna, I ask for your help! Please tell me what should I do if my husband has been cheating for several years?
I have been married for 12 years, we have three children. Three years ago, my husband said that he had cheated, that two years earlier he had an affair with a woman (she was from another city and came to their company for an internship).
That he was very sorry and that it was just sex. Surprisingly, our marriage is better than ever. My attitude towards him changed, and we became much more attentive to each other's feelings.
Then, last year, he again admitted to having an affair with a woman, this time a close friend of ours. The affair was exposed only because the couple was going through a divorce and a friend threatened to tell me everything. The friend says she did it to get back at her husband for cheating in their marriage.
Once again my husband begged me to forgive him. I couldn’t understand how he allowed this to happen?!! This second affair began before I found out about the first betrayal. However, he allowed it to continue 2-3 months after he confessed the first time and after we started to really work on our marriage. He says he felt trapped and was afraid she would expose him if he refused their meetings.
After this second revelation, we went to a psychologist who advised us to be honest with each other because our marriage could not continue on lies. This time he confessed to four more affairs, mostly with women I knew. By this time I was so numb that I felt almost no pain. I just didn’t know how to live after my husband’s betrayal?!
Last but not least, he admitted that one of those women got pregnant. She was my friend. She didn’t want to give birth and asked him for money to have an abortion.
These few affairs happened within the first 6 years of our marriage.
I feel that after this he is honest and no longer hides anything from me. But the psychology of our relationship after my husband’s betrayal has changed anyway. SIGN UP FOR A FREE CONSULTATION
I love him and I feel like he has realized how much he loves me too. My problem is that I think about his cheating almost every day and every time I get very angry. From time to time I even tell him to leave, not because I don’t love him, but because I still can’t forgive his betrayal.
I only ever think about the women he was with at the time. I associate every event - the birth of our children, New Year, March 8, summer holidays - with a time frame when he slept with some woman.
How can I forget all this? How can I move on? I have the husband I always wanted, but his very presence always reminds me of the pain he caused me. I love him very much. I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life with him, carrying the pain that I have inside. I also find it very hard to believe that I will ever be able to trust him again. Yes, he is now devoted to his family, but what will happen during the midlife crisis when he is 40 - 50 years old? I can't trust him anymore.
When we make love now, every time I only think about the fact that he was with other women and negative emotions overwhelm me right over my head! Help me heal my pain. I'm already very exhausted, I have no strength anymore
Please tell me, is a harmonious relationship possible in the future after my husband’s infidelity? Is it worth saving the family after cheating or is it better to get a divorce before it’s too late and I can meet someone else?” Diana
My dear subscribers, thank you for trusting me as a specialist. I will try to answer your questions.
One of the most remarkable discoveries in my career as a marriage counselor is that marriages can thrive after infidelity.
Almost all spouses assume that infidelity will end their marriage before it actually happens. In their thoughts about the future, they cannot even imagine living with an unfaithful person. But what people think they will do in this case is not what they usually do. Oddly enough, after emotions have subsided, most couples are willing to make every effort to reconcile.
Try to forgive each other.
If you have both made the decision to try to repair your relationship, you need to sincerely forgive each other and let go of the situation.
Only then will you be able to get everything right. Holding a grudge deep down is not an option.
It is clear that nothing will be decided in one day. And tomorrow morning you won’t wake up feeling like nothing ever happened. It will take some time to come to forgiveness.
The one who cheated must apologize for his actions. The second, having admitted his guilt in the reasons for the betrayal, must ask for forgiveness for himself. Everything needs to be said only from the heart, then you will be able to forgive.
You just need to get through this time.
Commitment to diversity
At the core of desire is novelty. The entire market for pornography and erotic goods is built on this law. We are turned on by what we have not yet tried, which is why in the embryonic stage of love desire hits the brain so hard, but over the years it melts away, and this is a completely natural process.
There are couples who know how to rekindle passion and look at such a familiar person with a “new look,” but for this you need to know yourself very well, know your partner and have a reserve of patience.
In the daily hustle and bustle, when you have a lot of things to do and a lot of children on your hands, it’s often easier to find a quick “dose” on the side.
End the relationship if you haven't already.
If you cheated and have not yet mustered up the courage to leave the new young lady, do it urgently.
You can call her in the presence of your girlfriend so that she will be calmer. You have to say that you choose your girl. And that she is more valuable to you than having affairs on the side.
In general, you yourself know how to end a relationship. But do it in a way that doesn't hurt your girlfriend. And so that she knows as few details as possible.
Be sure to say that you have completely cut this person out of your life. And that nothing like this will happen again.
Biology
Evolution optimized humans for reproduction rather than monogamy. At the beginning of a relationship (at the stage that is commonly called falling in love), certain hormones are released in the human body that regulate and maintain these feelings.
The set is partially different for men and women, but the mechanism itself is aimed at one goal: to bring two people together for a time sufficient for them to conceive a child and take care of him together while he is in infancy. “Then, evolution seems to be telling us, figure it out yourself.”
This does not mean that people are not capable of long-term monogamy. It’s just that in this game we initially do not have a very successful “hand”.
Be prepared for arguments.
You should be as prepared as possible for the fact that you will swear a lot. If you cheated, your woman’s anger will break out for a long time for any reason.
If she cheated, after admitting the reasons for which you are to blame, she can also demand changes.
She needs to throw out all the pain and negative emotions that she has accumulated. And it is quite understandable that you will become the object of these attacks.
Your task is to prevent too aggressive behavior and hysterics.
You must reassure the girl, say that you understand how difficult it is for her now. But you shouldn't let your emotions take precedence over common sense.
It will take some time for your girlfriend to return to her previous normal state.
Both
Understand the reasons
Ideally, this is a job for two, but if you cheated, and your partner is only able to think in interjections and swear words, then the responsibility for soul-searching and analysis lies primarily with you. “They didn’t give me two years,” “I just love sleeping with different people,” “I don’t want him/her anymore” - here everything is more or less clear, although the situation can often be corrected.
It’s another matter when you yourself don’t understand why you changed it. Or you know, but want to repeat the situation. Then you'll have to get to the bottom of it. Maybe go to a psychoanalyst or get drunk with a close friend who knows you well and is not afraid to tell the truth. You can learn a lot of new things about yourself.
If you have been cheated on and the scarlet veil has already subsided, the main thing is not to get carried away with self-flagellation (even if it is you who are to blame) or accusations (this does not help for long, and you can say too much). To start, just answer the question; why did the betrayal happen? This answer often contains a recipe for reviving the relationship or an understanding that there is nothing left to revive.
Don't involve everyone in this
The desire to cry (or consult) in such a situation is completely understandable, but there are three rules.
quantity ≠ quality
what you need vs what a friend can give you
with mutual friends we take special care
Firstly, there is not always a direct relationship between the number of tears cried / details replicated and your well-being. At some point, when the severity subsides a little, you should close your mouth, wipe away your tears and decide something.
Secondly, not all friends are the same. There are people who know how to listen. Others are good at keeping secrets. Still others can give good advice. If there is one person who combines all three qualities, you are lucky. Otherwise, choose your “vests” and your advisors wisely and make it clear exactly what you expect from the conversation.
The third rule speaks for itself.
And never involve children
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Young children suffer the most from such situations. Yes, you are offended, hurt, lousy, but at least you understand what is happening and can take control of the situation. They can not.
What happened relates only to you, and the child who idolizes you is not able to understand the nuances. When he enters the room without knocking and asks his mother: “Why are you crying?” - or asks dad why he is packing things, there is not a single reasonable reason to tell the truth. Or half-truths. Or even hint.
No matter what happens, no matter how difficult your situation is, your children are not to blame for anything, they love their parents and want everything to be good in their world. Let your problems not affect them. They will grow up - explain if necessary.
Calm
You may feel better if you think that your case is far from the only one in the world. Nothing catastrophically bad has happened in your life, and love is a feeling that cannot be controlled by willpower. Remember those episodes and meetings when you yourself had to flirt with men. Maybe something similar happened to your spouse, and after another “glass of champagne” he lost control of himself. In any case, what has already happened cannot be returned back.
Physical betrayal2
Physical cheating means nothing more than intimacy with another person. Most often, physical betrayal is a continuation of moral betrayal, and in the future these two types exist together.
Much less common is physical betrayal, that is, sex without the feeling of being in love. These may be casual connections that do not imply any continuation.
Adultery: reasons
The reasons for cheating can also be very different. Now we will not talk about a single connection on the side that happened unintentionally - as if everything happened “by itself.” We will talk about conscious betrayals, both male and female.
So, every person has certain psychological attitudes that push him to infidelity.
Most often, one-time adultery occurs simply because it is easy and it seems that there will be no consequences. At this moment, a person is driven by sexual desire, the opportunity to quickly get pleasure is a great temptation.
With the help of constant cheating, a person tries to compensate for the lack of something in his life. This connection becomes a surrogate for real emotions, close relationships, love and acceptance. It is worth talking about these reasons in more detail.
Let us help maintain family fidelity
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Trying to escape from reality
Perhaps there have been problems in your family for a long time that you are accustomed to turning a blind eye to. Also, the desire to bury your head in the sand may be associated with problems at work. Another reason is a midlife crisis, in which a person tries to “find himself” again. There is only one outcome: someone else’s bed here becomes a “shelter” in which you can hide from difficulties. Cheating here is perceived as entertainment, a way to relax.
Desire to improve self-esteem
“Can someone else like me?” - both men and women ask themselves this question sooner or later. Often the answer to this is an external connection. A person wants to prove - first of all, to himself - that he is still capable of much. Adultery becomes a way to verify one’s attractiveness and test one’s sexual capabilities. In addition, sometimes the reason for infidelity can be the desire to find a partner more suitable in status.
Checking the marriage for strength
In this case, the attitude that pushes a person to infidelity sounds like this: “Let's kill the relationship or resurrect it again.” The husband talks about adultery - and now family life is at stake. Will you forgive him? Or will you erase it from your life? The result is often unexpected. Sometimes a person just wants to “heat up” the passion in a marriage; it seems to him that reporting an affair will be a great way to refresh the relationship. But in the end he risks being alone.
Desire for revenge
In this case, adultery becomes a way of revenge for the pain caused. Sometimes “good friends” can advise, in the event of a spouse’s betrayal, to also create an “outlet”. But there is a danger that in addition to the suffering from the wife’s infidelity, a feeling of guilt for one’s own will be added.
Unfulfilled desires
If a person has needs that a partner cannot or does not want to satisfy, the easiest way to solve this problem is to have an outside relationship. It seems to a man that his mistress understands him like no one else, that only next to her he can be himself, that she seems to guess his secret desires. But most often the spouse does not even know about these desires - for some reason the husband did not consider it necessary to share them.
Looking for new experiences
Studies on the psychology of cheating in men have shown that compared to women, they more often experience the need for new sensations, and therefore are more prone to cheating. [2] This motive is especially strong among people who got married very young. They usually say about such people: “I haven’t had enough time.” Now the man is trying to compensate for lost opportunities. And also this desire for experimentation, the desire to try something new: he wants to understand whether it is possible to get with someone else what is sorely lacking in marriage. And is there really such a big difference between your own and someone else’s bed?
First question
...which you need to ask yourself if you find out about cheating is not “Why do I need this?”, but “Why do I need this?”
The Universe has already given you a thousand opportunities, messages to notice that someone has taken a wrong turn in your relationship.
And you didn’t hear, didn’t see, or ignored a thousand times - has this happened? Confess in the comments.
Imagine that your man's mistress is a postman. Yes, this is such a strange comparison, yes. He brought you a package. And you, instead of reaching out and taking it, yell at him and call him a “prostitute.”
So... No need to yell at the postman. Take the package and move on with your life.
After all, a man in his mistress seeks not only sex, but also an outlet, emotions, admiration, recognition, respect, trust. Cheating is a consequence.
There is no need to deprive a man of home, love and warmth
Don’t stop cooking for your loved one, as well as washing and ironing things for him. After all, only a well-fed and well-groomed man can be happy. He will definitely feel that you have not changed your attitude towards him, and will want to reward you for this feat over yourself.
Every woman has her own “tricks” with which she can seduce any man. Delve into the depths of your memory and remember how you already seduced him once. Try to use this technique again, so that this time you can permanently discourage your loved one from walking to the left.
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What is betrayal to you?
Different people define the concept of betrayal in their own way, and therefore everyone has different attitudes towards it. What do you consider treason? In what case is it impossible to forgive betrayal and we are talking about betrayal? Sex with a prostitute, virtual sex, phone sex, sex while drunk - men don’t consider this treason, but for women it’s probably not the treason itself that is much more offensive, but the fact that it has become known. No matter how a man cheats, for a woman it is a betrayal, because he broke all the promises of love.
How to behave after your husband’s betrayal if you decide to forgive: advice.
Hi girls. Today is a sensitive topic, but we definitely need to discuss it. This is treason. But not every betrayal is necessarily a divorce. In this case, how should you behave after your husband’s betrayal if you decide to forgive and save the family? Let's figure it out, but not for long, I appreciate your time. I hope my information will help you.
Wife, like a habit
There is a theory that a love marriage lasts only a few years. After this rather fleeting period of time, love passes, and people begin to live together simply out of habit. And any habit, as we all know from personal experience, is extremely difficult to quit. This habit can prolong your life together, but kill the remaining feelings between you. There is no need to count on the fact that the husband’s habit of coming home to his usual wife every day will not evaporate in an instant. After all, your mistress’s cutlets may turn out to be tastier than your branded pasta.
How to make peace with your husband after a fight?
Sometimes during a serious family quarrel it comes to assault. In this case, you need to clarify the circumstances under which your spouse raised his hand against you.
- If this happened once and because of the intolerable behavior of a woman, the man can be forgiven for this incident. Indeed, under normal circumstances, such behavior is unusual for him and, perhaps, it will not happen again.
- If your husband “extends his hands” regularly, you should think about why you need such a relationship. The sooner you break off this painful union, the better for you and your children.
- It is normal for a despot husband to beat his wife, especially if he feels his impunity. As soon as you notice signs of tyranny in your spouse, do not hesitate to decide on divorce.
Psychologists' point of view4
From a psychological point of view, relationships after betrayal are possible, but it is very difficult to cope with such a situation. At such moments there is no peace of mind, a person is filled with pain and emptiness. As a result, he begins to make drastic and rash actions in order to quickly determine his future path in life. This is explained by the fact that you want to get rid of the pain that eats you from the inside as quickly as possible.
On the contrary, family psychologists advise against making hasty conclusions and sudden movements in this matter. Before making serious decisions that will radically change the life of the family, you need to achieve peace of mind. It won't be easy or quick. In such cases, psychologists themselves come to the rescue, conversations with whom will help not to go crazy. You also need to fill your soul with impressions and new emotions. You can play sports, travel, take care of yourself and your desires.
There may be several ways out of this situation; not all relationships necessarily end in separation. After a person has gained peace of mind, he can sensibly evaluate what happened from the outside. After all, there can be several reasons for betrayal.
Moral treason
With moral betrayal, one of the partners experiences love and romantic feelings. But not to your soulmate, but to another person. Typically, moral betrayal can be recognized by the changed behavior of a spouse. As a rule, a person will stay late “at work” while at home - have his head in the clouds and answer the most common questions with irritation. He will always try to escape from his partner under any pretext.
If a person devotes a lot of time to the object of love, constantly communicates with him and gives gifts, then moral betrayal will soon develop into physical betrayal.
You found out about cheating - what to do?
Whatever the reason for betrayal, it is always tears and pain. Having learned about the betrayal of your spouse, the very least you want to do with him is destroy him, make him feel the same. But emotions will get you nowhere. In a fit of anger, you can make a decision that you will later regret. So what to do?
- Have a cry. Let all emotions go away with tears. Once you have calmed down, you can think and make a decision.
- Don't shout, don't threaten, don't humiliate yourself. Behave with dignity.
- Do not drag relatives and children into your family squabbles.
- Do not pay your husband in the same coin - do not cheat out of spite. After cheating, you will feel even worse, and your husband, when he finds out, will not forgive.
