How to make peace after a quarrel? Top 10 tips from a family psychologist. Article. Gender psychology. Self-knowledge.ru

How to make peace after a quarrel? Top 10 tips from a family psychologist

Advice one. Avoid “reconciliation mistakes”!

Some spouses, having allowed the quarrel itself, make additional mistakes in view of attempts to reconcile in a way that irritates his (her) partner even more.
And these partners themselves, reacting to someone’s clumsy attempts to reconcile, at the same moment in time commit no less stupid acts, “show character” and in every possible way avoid resuming those contacts that are necessary for reconciliation. Ten most common “reconciliation mistakes” When you quarrel with your spouse, you absolutely must not :

make peace while drunk (especially in such a degree of alcohol intoxication, when people in the morning do not remember that they have already made peace? And they try to do it again, as if “for an encore!”);
calling with the goal of “having a thorough heart-to-heart talk and putting everything in its place” in the midst of the working day of your “half”, when he (s) is working and does not have the opportunity to communicate normally. And her (his) refusal to communicate only adds fuel to the fire of a quarrel;
refuse to pick up the phone when the spouse with whom you are in a quarrel tries to reach you. As surveys show, a partner at this moment may think that you are already having sex with someone at this time, are dead drunk (etc.) and therefore simply are not able to answer! Of course, all this does not cause him (her) much joy;
do not respond to neutral or conciliatory SMS from your “half” after a quarrel. In this case, a very proud partner may be so offended that even the smallest quarrel can drag on for two weeks;
send your “half” with whom you are in a quarrel an SMS with a laconic request: “Dial me!” The partner may be afraid that by calling first, he/she seems to be putting himself in the position of “a known loser” and therefore in the end he won’t call you. And the absence of a call from your partner, in turn, will cause a surge of negative emotions on your part. So an awkward attempt at reconciliation will boomerang on you;
Having dialed your “other half” some time after a quarrel (or picked up the phone after her (his) call), start the conversation with the phrase: “Well, I hope you have finally realized your mistakes and already want to apologize?! " As a rule, such a formulation of the question causes furious rage, and the person who answered the phone (or called you himself) will end up not only not saying a word of reconciliation, but, on the contrary, will compose something especially juicy and multi-story in response to you;
call and start your supposedly “conciliatory” conversation with the phrase: “You, of course, are a scoundrel (an insensitive brute, an ungrateful animal, a traitor, etc.), but I love you and suggest you forget about the disagreement that happened...”. Such a beginning is extremely rarely very fruitful;
after a quarrel, spend hours knocking on the door of the spouse who has locked himself in the office or bathroom with a categorical demand to open it immediately and “figure everything out.” Such behavior rarely helps to overcome a family crisis;
threaten that if your spouse does not take the initiative to reconcile within a certain number of days, you will immediately acquire a completely different loved one or begin to cheat;
seek help from parents, close friends (girlfriends) or employers of your “half”. Usually this is perceived by him (her) as a way to apply pressure (and this is absolutely true!) and only aggravates the situation.

Tip two. Make up within 24 hours after a quarrel! The long-term surveys I have conducted convincingly show this.

The vast majority of men and women want to make peace immediately on the day of the quarrel. And if so, it means that you should humble your character, and, no matter how angry or offended you are, still make peace on the same day that the quarrel took place. Of course, you can also make peace two or three days after a quarrel, but there is a very high probability that one of your couple will have that unpleasant aftertaste in their soul, which in the future will itself become the cause of new quarrels. So, I advise you not to experiment on your personal happiness!

Tip three. Take the initiative for reconciliation!

A family is a special place on Earth where men and women can and should be exactly as they really are - without unnecessary posturing and the desire to seem more important than they really are. Everything that happens in the family is deeply intimate and does not happen in front of everyone. That is why, having quarreled in our own family, in contrast to conflicts at work, where everyone looks at us and evaluates our “combat” behavior, we do not need to “stand to the death” and “defend our position no matter what,” especially if we They themselves understand that they are wrong.

My observations show: in families where both spouses are able to take the first step towards reconciliation at once, crises and divorces practically do not happen.

Therefore, if you consider yourself a completely sane person and strive to save your family, learn to take the first step towards reconciliation, even if you think that it was you who were offended. Believe my surveys and observations: make peace first, and it will definitely be appreciated. Even if they don't say it out loud.

Behave in your family... like in your family! Take the initiative for reconciliation, and your family future will not deceive you.

Tip four. Know what exactly your partner expects from you!

Here you can go into a little more detail. Let me remind you that this advice was written in accordance with expectation No. 4, which included two things at once:

Firstly, the process of reconciliation itself must take place within the time frame and according to the scenario that your partner has drawn in your head;
Secondly, it is important that you, as the initiator of reconciliation, capitulate not just like that, but fully or at least partially recognizing the rightness of the other side!

Based on this, it follows:

Know exactly when your partner prefers you to give in to him/her. In practice, different people may have completely different time frames: some people like to be reconciled literally five minutes after a quarrel, but others are fundamentally convinced that if the quarrel lasted less than two or three days, this means that the parties and did not draw any conclusions, and therefore early reconciliation is simply meaningless! Of course, no one can tell you the favorite time frame for reconciling your partner. You have to install them yourself! And it is best to identify them from an analysis of past quarrels or personal communication with a partner on this topic.
During reconciliation, you should definitely say that, after a little reflection, you are ready to admit that your partner is right about something. This “something” thing is actually not so scary. It is quite possible that your partner will simply become so pleased that no one will demand that you significantly change your behavior or approaches!

Tip five. Do not discuss the conflict situation at the time of reconciliation!

My surveys show: the majority of quarreling lovers and spouses really do not like to return to the topic of the quarrel during reconciliation!

Of course, this does not mean that everything that happened should simply be forgotten and never returned to. Of course not! After all, you and I remember that no matter how senseless quarrels may seem, in fact, they never are: our unconscious never does anything for nothing! Therefore, you should still return to finding out the true reasons for quarrels and mutual unfulfilled expectations.

However, have a little patience and just do it a little later...

Tip six. Make up very emotionally!

Since the majority of men and women surveyed (especially women!) really want the moment of reconciliation to be as pleasant and memorable an event as possible, this means that it needs to be made very emotional! When you go towards each other with flowers, cake or ice cream (most importantly, not with a rolling pin in your hands), immediately let out a cry of happiness, drop what you had in the crayfish (God be with him, with this cake! The main thing is that you have made peace !!!), hug tightly, hug each other until your ribs crack, kiss, start stroking each other’s hair or back, and you might even cry a little! You know: you can’t spoil porridge with butter!

Advice seventh. Explain to your spouse why you decided to reconcile!

When the question arises about the need to make peace after a quarrel, every man and every woman really wants to know two things:

he/she was still appreciated,
By deciding to call first, the partner acts sincerely, and does not try to solve his financial, career or intimate problems at your expense. It is for this reason that in the monologue that you should compose before you begin to make peace, it must be present that you finally understood and even felt what a good person you have been living and communicating with all this time,
you don’t need absolutely anything from him (her), except for this person you adore so much (you just don’t always show it well!) to always remain by your side!

I definitely assure you: this will definitely work!

Tip eight. Convince your spouse that it was very bad for you without him (her)!

This point is not at all a continuation of the previous point. The seventh point was mainly about those words and actions that work at the level of your partner’s mind. Now is the time to tackle his emotions! The bolder you admit that you have completely forgotten how to do without your loved one, the sooner you will make peace!

Tip nine. Convince your spouse that he (she) had a very bad time without you!

You probably noticed the difference between the eighth and ninth points. In the first case, you convinced your quarreling “half” that the quarrel was bad for you, but now you need to convince him that he (she) felt just as bad from the conflict! And this is especially useful in those families where, after a quarrel, they like to play “silence” for several days at once.

That is, spouses seeking reconciliation should clearly convince their partner that:

in fact, he (s) suffered very, very much without you;
he/she was bored without you and had no one to go to the cinema, to a cafe, or for a walk with;
the fact that he (s) has already begun to gradually get used to living without communicating with you is just a short-term and extremely dangerous illusion... Technically, this is achieved through two techniques: two technical techniques of convincing your partner that during your separation was very bad for him (she) .

Reception No. 1. You offer an extensive cultural program.

Having agreed to reconciliation, you simply must immediately offer your partner a whole range of entertainment, cultural or recreational activities! And the very fact of reading out this entire list will show him/her that it is much more interesting with you than without you!

Reception No. 2. You artificially warm up your partner emotionally by the fact that, by talking about your suffering during a protracted quarrel, you willy-nilly resurrect in his (her) memory your own suffering in the first days of the quarrel. And everyone definitely has them!

However, since it most often happens that by the time of reconciliation, the main suffering of your partner is already in the past, then the only way out for you is to evoke his/her memories of his/her own past suffering due to your absence . And to do this, you must tell him about your own suffering, as if to emotionally “light” your partner.

At the moment of reconciliation between spouses after a protracted quarrel, you cannot skimp on emotions!

If the spouse “warms up” emotionally, then the chances of the next conflict will be significantly reduced.

Tip ten. Convince your spouse that you are still his/her family property!

No matter how much anyone denies this, we need to understand: love and family relationships are necessarily built on a sense of ownership of one person over another!

Therefore, at the moment of reconciliation, it is fundamentally important to suppress and extinguish the partner’s completely natural jealousy, to convince him (her) that during your disagreement you did not cheat left and right, and your couple did not turn into a love triangle. In general, I advise you to make the most of the magical meaning of the phrase “I am yours”! The more often you repeat something stupid, like “Your cat missed you very much...”, the faster you will overcome some alienation that naturally arises due to jealousy. And during normal communication, all spouses can be advised: the more often you tell your partner “I was thinking about you,” the fewer quarrels and disagreements you will have!

By applying all three of these techniques, you are simply doomed to success! I give you a good set of tools for timely suppression or the correct way out of family conflicts. It's time to put the rake aside and go hug!

Best regards, author.

A few notes on family quarrels

The more insignificant they are, the more violent the showdown usually proceeds. It's very simple: if two people quarrel over a serious issue, they usually discuss the very subject of disagreement and strive to come to at least some kind of agreement. If a quarrel occurred over a trifle, you can be sure that people are simply tired of each other. To somehow relieve irritation, they need to quarrel. Those. Swearing in this case is an end in itself. At the same time, until the anger of both participants in the quarrel goes away, you can forget about reconciliation. Naturally, old sins, stupid actions committed a thousand years ago, unpleasant habits are remembered. It is interesting that a rare quarrel in such cases goes without mentioning the enemy’s mother (the leading topics are her improper upbringing and hereditary character traits).

Option one - Storm in a teacup

Stormy, dramatic showdowns are especially common in the first months of marriage, as well as during the period of expecting a child. In the first case, this is explained by too much mental stress - for both spouses, the need to get used to each other, causes a natural need for release. Stormy quarrels usually end in no less passionate reconciliation; husband and wife seem to say: “We are a normal family. We love each other and can go through periods of cooling off without harming our relationship."

The second case - violent showdowns during pregnancy - is usually provoked by the expectant mother. This is also easy to explain: the hormonal changes that occur in a woman’s body during pregnancy, as well as anxiety and worry (how is the baby? Is he healthy? How will the birth go?) - all this causes temporary changes, sometimes quite significant, in the future psyche moms. An expectant mother with a blissful smile and a serene expression can only be seen in advertisements for maternity products. In life, a woman expecting a child often becomes more anxious, capricious, and irritable. She may experience frequent mood swings, periods of causeless sadness, and anxiety.

Both the expectant mother herself and her loved ones are rarely ready for such changes. (And since the husband himself is worried and worried, he is also not a model of mental balance.) Accordingly, any disagreement at this time has every chance of turning into a stormy scandal.