Quarrels with your husband: how to behave, how to make peace and improve relationships

Is your nervous system already exhausted to the limit by quarrels with your husband? Is there a crisis in a relationship that has no end in sight? In fact, most likely, everything is not as bad as it seems to you, and the way out lies on the surface, but you don’t notice it. Psychologists recommend reconsidering your position on family conflicts and putting an end to unnecessary wars. And don’t be afraid to take the initiative into your own hands, because a wise woman understands that only she is able to save a marriage and make it happy.

Destroying stereotypes

First, honestly answer the question: do you want to save this marriage? Do you love this man? Your answer should not be affected by the number of years you have lived together or the presence of children. Only your desire matters. If not, you shouldn’t even make efforts, which will still end up in vain. If yes, you will have to work hard to regain lost happiness.

Secondly, reconsider your own attitude towards quarrels. Listen to the opinion of psychologists who say that periodic conflicts in the family are an opportunity to let off steam. If a husband and wife keep everything to themselves, this will lead to divorce even faster than regular scandals. Just realize their necessity.

Thirdly, learn to benefit from any quarrel, no matter how large or insignificant it may be. Another scandal with her husband can turn out to be a wise wife:

auto-training on the topic “Can I control myself?”;
the opportunity to improve yourself: yeah, he said that you have neglected yourself - which means it’s time to act and prove to him and to yourself that you are still a beauty;
the return of romance to relationships;
a chance to get her husband talking, who, in the heat of a scandal, can finally express what he is constantly silent about.

And one last thing. Even if you and your husband have constant quarrels (almost every day), don’t even think that this is the end of your marriage. This may indicate a crisis in relationships, problems at work, or even hormonal imbalance. Frequent conflicts are not always dictated by the fact that love has left and the time has come to part. The real reasons may lie elsewhere. Just learn to see them.

So, dear women, if a quarrel with your husband cannot be avoided, learn to make the most of it. After this, surviving scandals will become much easier. And this is already a big step towards their complete elimination.

Both are to blame

If one of the partners is “parallel” to the experiences of the other, this is a bad call. We need to think hard about this.
No relatives or fellow advisors. Without having full control of the situation, there will be no objective assessment and the same help.
Neutrality is not the best weapon in a general quarrel. It's like smoldering coals - a little gasoline-discontent and the fire will flare up again.
When talking to your husband, stay close to him.
No discussions or global decisions about you by phone, instant messengers or email. Only in person and in the presence of both participants madhouse-2.
If the situation is of a minor everyday nature, humor is the solution to the studio! Serious - we talk to the point, less emotions, listen carefully to our opponent.
Dialogues and discussions about the truce are for a calm and cool head.
Any crisis, if you start to sort it out together, then you need to bring the matter to a common solution that satisfies both. To the point of saying out loud to each other: “I have no complaints against you.”

Do not delay the resolution of the conflict. Avoidance is a dead-end strategy.
Solve an unpleasant situation when it arises here and now. But cooled down.
When you start sorting things out, don't make the situation even worse. Talk heart to heart. Do not recall previously resolved issues in a negative way. Deal specifically with these complaints against each other.
The punishment must be comparable to the offense.

Features of male psychology

If you and your husband have too frequent quarrels, think about whether you understand men at all. Or do you, having lived in marriage for so long, still think that they are exactly the same as women? Perhaps the reason for the constant scandals is that you have no idea what motivates his actions and what he expects from you. Once you comprehend the secrets of his psychology, many things will fall into place, and the need for conflicts will disappear. Here are its features:

men are straightforward and work to achieve one specific goal;
they are guided by actions, not words;
they don't take hints;
they don't pay attention to little things;
they don't like to be bossed around;
in fact, they are not dry and callous, they just cannot be shown that they also experience and suffer;
they must somehow throw out accumulated emotions, and the best means for this is a hobby (car, fishing, hunting, guitar, hiking, gym);
they love to be praised and need to feel important;
they love honesty.

A striking example of women’s misunderstanding of male psychology: he does not call during the day, and a detailed picture of infidelity is already being drawn in his wife’s imagination. In fact, he is simply busy at work and cannot keep several tasks in his head at once.

Try to iron out your own mistakes3

First of all, just come to your senses. Throw away all the emotions that arose in you after the incident. To stabilize your emotions, just start doing certain things that could distract you from all the thinking and overthinking. It is better at such moments to indulge in physical activity. Our ancestors correctly noted that work ennobles.

Then, why not get out to the dacha and put things in order there? Why not start cleaning the house, or put more effort into your work? In addition, you can engage in active recreation using sports equipment. Many athletes admit that after they begin to physically develop their body, they lose nervousness and the tendency to perceive any information with hostility.

Possible reasons

Ask yourself a question: why did I quarrel with my husband again? Write down the reasons and gradually try to find a compromise. The most provocative factors:

Inattention on his part (most often contrived by the wife herself).
Life It often makes you quarrel every day, because there is no escape from it: the faucet must be repaired, the garbage must be taken out, the rent must be paid, the children must be raised.
Lack of money, housing problems.
Incompatibility of characters, social positions, intimate needs.
Jealousy, betrayal, flirting on the side.
Your/his parents.
Career, hobbies, friends - everything that supposedly comes first for him.
Issues of raising children. Frequent quarrels arise after the birth of a child, when a young mother feels that her husband is not helping her at all, and he, tired after work and sleepless nights, feels unneeded.
Religious, political views and beliefs.

These are just the most common reasons. Sometimes a quarrel between a husband and wife can break out over some little things literally out of nowhere: he fell asleep early, forgot to wish his mother-in-law a happy birthday, didn’t buy potatoes. All these problems can be solved and are not worth your nerves.

It is much more difficult when the conflict is based on more serious problems: if he is addicted to drugs or alcohol, loses money in a casino, gets involved with crime, constantly lies, and does not spend the night at home. In such cases, you need to seek help from professional psychologists as soon as possible, who can save the marriage.

Useful tips

How to behave during a quarrel with your husband:

Listen to him, and don't just talk to him.
Don't blame or make excuses, but don't remain silent either. Just state the facts.
Don't bring up the past.
Do not Cry. Men do not tolerate high frequency sounds well.
Don't insult, don't talk about divorce.
Don't give up. If there is a blow in response, know: it was you who provoked it.
Do not break dishes or throw things around the room.
Express your thoughts using “I-message”. Not “You came home late again,” but: “I worry when you’re gone for a long time.”

How to stop a quarrel and calm down:

Go to different rooms. An excellent option on how to avoid a quarrel if it has not yet flared up, and how to stop it.
Do yoga, breathing exercises, exercise on a simulator.
Take a walk.
Drink a glass of water.
Hug and kiss your husband.
Ask for forgiveness if you are at fault.
Say a safe word (the spouses agree on it in advance).

It is important to immediately decide how to behave after a quarrel. Under no circumstances should you immediately cry, beg him for forgiveness on your knees, hang yourself on your neck, even if you are to blame. First, both need to cool down, and only after that go for reconciliation.

And most importantly, a wise wife, even after quarreling with her husband, will never deny him intimacy, will not kick him out of the shared bedroom, or will not make him a separate bed in another room. This means a lot for men, and to resolve the conflict, it is often enough for spouses to sleep in the same bed.

How to make quarrels less frequent:

Learn to manage your anger. Don't allow yourself to raise your voice or insult.
Learn to listen to your husband. Let him talk it out in the evenings after work.
Put yourself in his place to quickly understand the motives of his actions.
Discuss controversial issues in advance: who takes out the trash when, walks the dog, who earns how much.
Do not consult with anyone regarding conflict situations that arise (except psychologists).
Respect your husband. Find merit in it. Fall in love with him again.
Do what you promise.

If you follow these rules, quarrels will arise much less frequently.

Make-up sex: yes or no?

Often a man and a woman use sex as a way of reconciliation. If this happens a couple of times, that's normal. But if all conflicts in the house end this way, then we can confidently conclude that harmonious normal relationships do not excite both partners. Therefore, they often provoke quarrels in order to feel these experiences again.

This way you don’t work through and talk through grievances and dissatisfaction. But we need to understand that every unprocessed quarrel and resentment settles in our minds and bodies. And all this can simply affect health. In men, the liver, kidneys, reproductive and skeletal systems are primarily affected. In women - also the reproductive and endocrine systems, musculoskeletal system, blood vessels.

How to make peace

There are different options for how to make peace with your husband after a strong quarrel. Which one you choose will depend on your character and family relationships. Some will cook any cutlets for dinner, while others find it easier to put on seductive underwear and bury the hatchet in bed. However, much will depend on who is to blame for the conflict.

“If it’s my fault, then I...”:

... I’ll invite him on a romantic date to our favorite cafe;
… I’ll cook him a delicious dinner;
...I will give him a gift;
... I will write an SMS/email/note where I confess my love to him and ask him not to be angry with me;
… I’ll buy new lace lingerie and seduce him like I did many years ago;
... I sincerely ask him for forgiveness!

“If he is to blame, then I...”:

... I’ll give him time to think, I’ll pause;
... I’ll pretend that nothing happened;
… I’ll try to improve the relationship with a harmless joke;
... I will pretend to be helpless and ask him to do something that requires male strength;
... I’ll talk seriously with him about what I don’t like;
... I’ll try to forgive him!

To improve relations with your husband after a quarrel, it is enough to try some new methods of reconciliation every time. If you constantly call him after scandals for a serious conversation, eventually the method will stop working. Be more diverse.

What to do when your husband is silent and does not speak after a quarrel?

Now I will say a banal thing - do nothing! Nothing at all, don’t notice that the person is silent, don’t think about it, don’t try to solve the situation by any means.

Think for a moment, what does your husband want to show with his silence?

What is more certain is that he is not here. He is not next to you, he was offended and left, although his physical body is in the next room, and perhaps even sits opposite you and happily eats delicious borscht. But at the same time, he doesn’t talk to you!

Conclusion! If it's not there, it means it's not there!

Therefore:

Why feed him if he doesn't exist?
Why should he wash things if he is away?
Why talk to emptiness and try to improve relationships?
Why endlessly apologize and ask for forgiveness from someone who decided to separate from you for a while?

In order to show that you are indifferent to his silence, you need to have good restraint and nerves of iron.

There is good news - you will definitely succeed! If, with his silence, your husband is trying to manipulate your feelings of guilt or he is silent for some reason, then now it’s your turn to manipulate and make him worry and be nervous!

Sometimes I hear the following words: “We are in a quarrel and don’t talk!”, At the same time, the person is upset, upset, sad, sometimes even falls into a depressive state.

But this is a standard pattern of behavior, and a person who finds himself in such a difficult situation subconsciously tries to follow this pattern. And the important point is that the one who is silent silently implies that his partner will behave this way.

And I’m sure that your bad mood and upset appearance brings him a lot of pleasure. Your task is to break the pattern! Just take it and break it!

Ask yourself questions:

How would I feel if I lived alone?
What would I do if my husband went on a business trip?
Where would I go?
What was I doing?

After all, if he is silent and shows with all his appearance that he is indifferent to you and your condition, then it means you need to take care of yourself!

And imagine this situation: your husband is silent and does not speak to you for several days after a quarrel.

Do you think he sits there and only thinks about himself? Nothing of the sort, is he watching you and assessing how much you suffer and worry?

But you actually suffer and worry. In the evening - feel sad, yearning, perhaps even cry. The pattern of a suffering person in reality.

Now, another approach. Evening, you get ready, dress up, put on makeup, twirl in front of the mirror... if you have children, then negotiate with someone who will stay with the children or write a note to your husband and take it to him. It is important that he sees you so beautiful, smiling, and does not even know where you are going. Let him worry, freak out, think...

We got dressed and left. Maybe to see a friend, maybe to have a cup of coffee in a cafe, or maybe just to take a walk around the park.

This is one option, and believe me, this option works very well.

Of course, there are side effects, if the husband is jealous, then he will probably stop being silent and start asking questions and suspecting all mortal sins. But he will stop being silent.

The next step is to live as if he does not exist next to you.

Don't invite him to dinner, and don't even cook for him. After all, he eats with you? And since he pretends not to notice you, then let him not notice the food you are preparing.
Don't wash his things. Now many will think, how can this be, he is my husband, why should he walk around dirty? Does he have hands? Let him put his dirty clothes in the washing machine and take them out and hang them up himself!

Be a little bitch, such a bad wife who doesn’t care about her husband. Let him feel how bad he will be without your attention, care and attention?

Of course, we need to find an opportunity to talk like adults and resolve all misunderstandings, figure out what is behind his silence?

Only this conversation should be held when everything is fine with you, when his boycott is over. And it is imperative to talk so that you understand what is behind his silence and do not torment yourself with a feeling of guilt.

I end here, and I hope that you were able to figure out what to do if your husband is silent and does not speak after a quarrel?

Also, I suggest you watch the video “My husband is silent after a quarrel. What should I do?”, in it you will find a few more tips that I did not voice in this article.

Sincerely, psychologist Natalia Gnezdilova.

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