People end relationships for many reasons: some are quite logical, others require additional thought. If you are bursting with an excess of negative feelings in the presence of a person, if he or she shifts their problems onto you, if you are bored, this is a reason to figure out where the source of such alienation is and what can be done about it. How to understand whether it makes sense to fight for a relationship, and why any breakup is explainable, is in a chapter from the book by Danish psychotherapist Ilse Sand.
Miss You: How to Get Over the Pain of a Breakup, Reconnect or Let Go
Ilse Sand
Alpina Publisher. 2019
Let's take a closer look at the possible reasons for alienation. Do you recognize yourself?
- I began to feel awkward in the presence of my partner.
- He burdens me with his problems.
- I got bored with him.
- He's giving me the wrong role.
- I don't mean much to him.
- Because of him, my self-esteem drops.
- He abuses me mentally or physically.
I began to feel awkward in the presence of my partner
Sometimes it can be difficult to relax in a relationship because we cannot calm the feelings that our partner awakens in us. Psychotherapists call this an overabundance of self.
You may already be familiar with the feeling of being bursting with too much emotion. In this case, these feelings can be both positive and negative. If you find it difficult to control yourself in the presence of someone you were once close to, it means that you are overcome by negative feelings such as anger, sadness, sadness, fear or confusion.
One day I was invited to a party. I knew that my ex would be there too. When I saw him, I became nervous. I was overcome with anger, I felt sad and sad. I wanted to run away from there and go home, but I stayed, looking at him from afar and thinking: “My feelings are quite logical and justified in this situation.” I took a deep breath and immediately noticed how my body literally got used to the situation in just a few minutes and the anxiety disappeared by itself.
Lina, 38 years old
If you can handle a sudden rush of feelings, don't run away. Take a couple of deep breaths and get over your emotions.
You can mentally prepare for a meeting with an unpleasant person by telling your friends in advance about your attitude towards him. During this conversation, you can feel an influx of feelings and try to distribute them evenly throughout the body. By taking deep breaths and exhalations, you will gradually get used to the new sensations.
Train your ability to perceive certain feelings in the same way you train your own muscles. It is impossible to build shoulders without lifting weights. But if you approach the matter with all seriousness and, overcoming pain, lift the barbell, you can achieve positive results. Similar
You can learn to control surging feelings if you constantly experience them on yourself, but in moderate portions.
Just like jeans that feel tight after washing but break in over time, your ability to perceive feelings can also expand. The main thing is not to panic.
In this case, a writing exercise will be useful. You will probably notice that with each new letter or conversation about surging feelings, it will become easier and easier for you to find a place for them in yourself. Once you have learned to find harmony with yourself, try to do something useful in other relationships. After all, it also happens that over time a person begins to feel more relaxed and confident.
Writing exercise
Start writing a goodbye letter.
It does not have to be sent, but it must be written. I am often asked: “Why do you need a farewell letter?” The fact is that farewell sharpens our feelings and we become more aware of the importance of the person to whom it is addressed. For example, imagine that one of you is leaving for the other side of the world and you need to say goodbye to each other. At times, feelings can overwhelm you or leave you confused. In this case, it is necessary to seek professional advice. A good specialist will not only help you improve your own relationships, but will also contribute to your personal growth.
Reasons that lead to relationship breakdown
fizkes/Getty Images Pro
First, let's talk about the reasons for the breakup
. Everything is clear here, you say. Usually this:
· treason;
· Lack of money;
· lack of separate housing;
· gone feelings;
· bad influence of girlfriends or friends and a lot of other reasons.
Don’t forget about “they didn’t get along” - this is another reason that is often given, without sometimes realizing how ridiculous it is. In fact, the real reasons
not so prosaic and material. These are the real culprits that make marriages fall apart:
· laziness;
· selfishness;
· neglect;
· children;
· insufficient communication skills.
Try to disagree with this – and you won’t succeed! And for those who still doubt that marriages most often break up precisely for these reasons
, let’s look at how each of them individually can harm relationships in marriage.
Laziness
Probably everyone is ready to admit the fact that interpersonal relationships are a rather complex matter that constantly needs to be worked on. It would be great, say, if at a certain age we were taken to some kind of special school
, from where we would emerge armed with specialized knowledge that would allow us to act one hundred percent correctly in any relationship.
Kaspars Grinvalds
However, such a school does not exist (the basics of family science, now offered as part of secondary education, should be especially taken seriously
not yet). Therefore, a fairly impressive number of marriages in our country (and throughout the world too) end in divorce.
Now think about laziness.
No, not the kind of laziness that interferes with work, because you can be a workaholic to the core, but be lazy to work on your relationships. What prevents us from learning as we go through life, drawing appropriate lessons and drawing the right conclusions?
based not only on other people’s, but even on your own mistakes? Aren't family relationships worth a lot of effort and work to preserve and develop?
He burdens me with his problems
If your partner shifts problems onto you that he himself is not going to solve, it is wiser to break off the relationship with him, which is what Sanna did in the example below:
For a long time, my mother was worried about dentures. She often clashed with the dentist and refused to pay bills for his work, not seeing positive results. One day she became completely furious when the dentist hinted to her about her mental problems.
When I came to visit her, she dumped a whole bunch of her dental problems on me, hoping that I would start to indulge her, but this only made me feel worse.
Sanna, 34 years old
In this case, no matter how many times Sanna listened to her mother’s complaints about the dentist, she would not be able to solve her dental problems. Instead of wasting energy pointlessly on this, it is better for her to focus on her own children.
Sanna tried to stop her mother’s flow of words: “Mom, I’m just your child. I shouldn't have to solve your problems. I'm tired of hearing about your teeth. I hope this was the last time." At first, the mother was angry with her daughter, feeling like a victim, but she stopped talking about her problems. And it was a smart decision, otherwise she could lose Sanna.
It is quite difficult to listen to the constant complaints of a relative or friend about the same problems that he does not try to solve on his own and does not ask for help with this.
Turn on self-monitoring mode
It’s hard to imagine something more terrible than an offended woman who began to spill out the power of her emotions. She takes out all the accumulated negativity on her lover and doesn’t even allow him to catch his breath, after which she wonders why her man is leaving for someone else. Yes, it is extremely undesirable to keep everything to yourself, but if you want to save your marriage, then you should take a short break and not blame your soulmate for all mortal sins. Yes, finding a flaw in yourself can be extremely difficult, but in most cases, both parties are to blame for the breakdown of a relationship. In addition, it may be much more difficult for a man to cope with a large number of strong emotions, since their psyche is much weaker.
I got bored with him
Note that the verbs “to miss” and “to regret” are quite close in meaning. Think carefully about whether something happened in your relationship that you regret or are worried about that prevents you from openly telling your partner about your feelings. Have you already begun to indulge each other, forgetting about disputes and your own opinions? If this is the case, a heart-to-heart conversation will completely dispel boredom. […]
The examples below show how you can start this conversation:
“I began to notice that I wanted less and less to negotiate with you about anything.”
“During our meetings, I began to look at my watch more and more often.”
- “I really want to hear something pleasant from you.”
“I really hope that my story will raise questions in you that will show that you are really interested in this.”
- “I want to throw away all the formalities and just fool around with you.”
- “I don’t want to completely break off relations with you. But it’s better for us to see each other less often.”
The writer Emma Gad, who has devoted many books to the rules of good manners, would hardly approve of honest conversations, because they can offend or anger a partner. But, if the relationship is already on the verge of breaking, you won’t lose much. And perhaps you will even gain some benefit.
It also happens that each of you grows as a person in different directions, which is why your common ground gradually disappears.
There is no point in fighting for relationships that have already lost their relevance and exhausted themselves.
After all, we grow and develop, so we shouldn’t think that the same friends will accompany us all our lives.
Polygamy
Have you decided to save your relationship with your girlfriend? Then first you should decide on the reason that could lead to a possible rupture. The most common of them is polygamy - the reluctance of one of the partners to accept their other half as one and only. Sometimes in couples it happens that both parties cheat on each other. Subconsciously, no one wants to be abandoned, but they continue to betray their loved one, forgetting to put themselves in his place.
Statistics show that men cheat most often in relationships, but every year there are more and more women prone to polygamy, which is completely contrary to nature itself. If in the case of a man everything is more or less clear - the natural instincts of a male are difficult to overcome, and a girl can still forgive her betrayal of her boyfriend, then the opposite is unlikely to ever happen. No self-respecting man would forgive his lover for sleeping with someone else. Because of this, we have to resort to breaking up.
He's giving me the wrong role
Adult children who have completely severed relationships with loved ones often report that they have the impression that words, actions, or even a look cast by their parents have left an indelible imprint on their personality. Such people, not recognizing themselves in the mirror, become confused. They feel that their father or mother perceives their actions differently than they do themselves. Perhaps their parents prepared a certain development pattern for them from birth. And so their children, having matured, try to show other sides of their character that do not correspond to their parents’ ideas about upbringing, which causes misunderstanding or even neglect. This is especially typical for those parents whose childhood was rich in various events, and no one dealt with the psychological trauma they received at that time. Such parents desperately cling to the same role, not realizing that the children have become hostages of their own game.
It felt like my mother was playing the role of an exemplary, kind housewife. Wanting to fully meet her expectations, I pretended to be a contented, obedient child. I instinctively understood this in early childhood. As I grew up, I learned to be different. Now I can be stupid and unbearably sad.
By discovering new sides of my character, I adapt to them and become stronger and happier. However, my mother cannot get used to these transformations. Every time I come to visit her, she plays that old “good mom” record. I feel like I'm not seen or heard. It feels like I'm disappearing somewhere. But as soon as I talk about this at home with my lover, I immediately begin to notice that everything in me falls into place.
Dorte, 50 years old
Each of us wants our loved ones to perceive us as we consider ourselves. If in the eyes of your partner you see yourself as different, then it is not at all easy to maintain your inner core. It is especially difficult for people with low self-esteem.
If your parents did not pay much attention to your personality or spiritual needs, or saw you as a completely different person from who you really are, then you obviously have problems with self-esteem. And even if you are a person who is confident in your own abilities, being with your parents can feel like a heavy burden, causing you to feel shame.
To one degree or another, we impose roles on both our children and each other. However, not everything goes smoothly. Sometimes it turns out that the partner is not able to fulfill the role he has received, since it is uncompromising, that is, not amenable to change. The plasticity of the given role directly depends on our own plasticity and ability to play various roles for other people.
For example, if you are only able to play the role of a cheerful jester, then those around you receive the role of spectators from you. And if you know how to be a listening helper, then your partner can easily become a problem child. If you enter into the image of an innocent victim, those around you will either become helpers/saviors for you, or harbingers of chaos.
Some play roles from the past, and their actions in relationships cannot be rationally explained by others. Such people impose roles, seeing in their partner only the performer and without trying to understand his real feelings. […]
If you feel uncomfortable, distorted, or unnatural in your relationships with friends, parents, or other people, it means that you are probably caught up in their game, which has nothing to do with your real feelings and experiences.
And it happens that you have a role in a play in which your partner creates illusory ideas about himself. In this case, you will spend a lot of effort and energy, and will gain nothing in return. Therefore, exit the game as soon as possible. It’s always unpleasant to dispel someone’s illusions, but it’s much better to face the truth.
It takes two to dance. If only one person has learned new movements, then the other one will not be able to dance smoothly with him. If you stop playing the role received from your partner, it will be difficult for him to play his own alone. He will be very upset and will probably take it out on you, but you better stick to your decision. In the future, this will also benefit your partner, who will most likely understand that he needs help.
Parents usually assign certain roles to their children, but this also happens in other relationships.
It is easiest to impose a role on those people who do not know themselves.
The more you talk about yourself, your desires, your favorite and least favorite things, the better you protect yourself from the influence of other people.
If in the presence of a loved one or during a conversation with him it is difficult for you to discover your true self, it is better to use correspondence instead of completely breaking off the relationship. This way, over time, you will learn to show your true self, avoiding excessive psychological pressure (even in the most sophisticated intrigues).
How should spouses behave in marriage in order to always be interesting to each other?
If we talk about an ideal marital union, then this is a union of two individuals who are interesting in themselves. They have no request for their partner to make their life interesting, rich, and fun; they do not make demands, but discover new activities and phenomena for themselves. There are a lot of exciting things in life, and when spouses are each interested in living separately, then they have no complaints against each other. Moreover, in a married couple, everyone can have their own hobbies. A husband may love fishing, a wife may enjoy needlework, but the important thing here is that such couples are open to everything new, life itself is interesting to them. And such people, joining in a marital union, certainly enrich each other. In any situation, they find in themselves the ability to be surprised and delighted, because the world is not fully knowable, colorful and polyphonic.
I don't mean much to him
If your partner means a lot to you, but does not reciprocate your feelings, such a relationship usually creates pain and low self-esteem.
In couples' relationships, it is quite common for one to love more and the other to love less. One is more interested in the other than the other is in him. There is nothing wrong with this, but if the difference in the strength of feelings is too great, it will be harder for the one who loves more.
If you are crazy about your partner, dreaming of being with him all the time, but he does not share your enthusiasm, intending to meet you only from time to time, then it is better for you not to see each other at all.
When I was dating Martin, I thought about him all day long. I pitied him in every possible way and felt deep affection for him. He had a difficult childhood, problems of various kinds often arose, and I tried to help and gave good advice. We rarely talked about me and my life. After all, everything was fine with me, so Martin didn’t ask me anything. When I started telling him about my life and hobbies, he, in my opinion, only pretended that he was interested
.
I took the initiative as best I could, suggesting, for example, going to the cinema or just taking a walk. Every word had to be pulled out of him with pincers. In the end, I felt unwanted and broke up with him. Our relationship has come to an end. It seems to me that this was necessary, although for a long time afterwards I could not come to my senses.
Kamma, 42 years old
In relationships with parents, everything is just as difficult, especially if a person has not yet managed to become significant in their eyes. Perhaps you find yourself in the shadow of a brother whose parents are prouder of you.
When I came to visit my parents, they began to praise my brother, telling me how well he was doing, that he had passed his exams, received excellent grades and now had every chance of finding a great job. As soon as I started talking about my internship, they immediately got bored.
Kasper, 24 years old
Some people completely forget about their family, where they feel like a black sheep, and any attempt to talk with their parents turns into disappointment for them.
Adult children who have experienced their parents' divorce often feel like second-class citizens in their father's new family. The examples below confirm this.
When planning to go to my father, I usually find out only at the last moment when he will be home. In addition, he is always afraid that I may not have enough space in his house if the children of his new wife from a previous marriage, their common children or friends suddenly come to them.
Hannah, 24 years old
[…] The feeling of one’s own uselessness and uselessness is no less painful than unrequited love. If you experience similar feelings when communicating with a person and talking about it with him did not lead to anything good, try to meet less often or spend less time on it, focusing on other relationships.
However, when it is difficult for you as a parent to win the favor of your child, do not break off relations with him under any circumstances, even ashamed of your failure in the eyes of the second parent or his friends. After all, the task of parents is to be ready to lend a helping hand to their children in difficult times, even if they don’t remember them at all. Make sure that you are important to your child, who at times still needs your support, even if sometimes you doubt it.
Three of my novels ended the same...
Five years ago, I was in despair: I couldn’t understand why my relationships with men were constantly not working out. Three of my big novels ended the same way - I was abandoned. Without scandals, without betrayals and practically without explanations, men packed up their things and simply disappeared from my life.
Having experienced the last pain of separation, I decided to analyze all the situations. And I was amazed when I discovered that all three times I myself had built relationships according to the
same scenario.
I myself behaved in such a way that it inevitably led to a breakup!
Later, after reading a dozen books on psychology, I realized what my mistakes were. I was able to change, and now I know exactly how to maintain a relationship. I have been happily married for five years now and remember past love failures with a smile.
In this article I want to share my own experience, stories from the lives of my friends and my knowledge. I sincerely hope that this will help you stop repeating negative scenarios and find harmony and happiness with your chosen ones!
Because of him my self-esteem is falling
Sometimes people around you tell you things you don't want to hear. They may feel that your personality has to develop in a certain pattern, that you are too dominant, that you seem resentful, or that you are just weird. If this is said without malicious intent, there is reason to think about the fairness of these remarks.
Understanding life, among other things, implies the gradual discovery of new, previously unknown facets of our personality. In this sense, enemies turn out to be much more useful than friends. After all, the latter, afraid of losing you, tend to embellish circumstances so much that you won’t even notice how you give free rein to the negative traits of your character. Your enemies will tell you everything right to your face.
You will be very lucky if your friend or relative tells you honestly (even to their own detriment) about how you behave, including the negative aspects. Breaking off a relationship with this person because of your damaged ego will mean that you missed an opportunity to improve your self-awareness.
If you find it difficult to listen to criticism addressed to you, consider this the beginning of your work on growing and developing your own personality.
Try to find out what others think about you and compare it with your own idea of yourself.
Of course, this is not always true, especially in a situation where your friend or close relative scolds you, insults you, is sarcastic, or otherwise shows his disrespect. No one has the right to demand perfection from you, but if a person wants to tell you how to become better, he will try to do it more tactfully.
Complex nature
Sometimes you just get into a relationship with a person with a very complex character who is not able to tolerate some of the actions of his partner. Most often this happens when the relationship involves partners with a large age difference. For example, if a 25-year-old guy finds himself a 16-year-old girl, then she will have to come to terms with a lot, since her character is still in constant development. The guy will never accept the erroneous worldview with which he himself lived as a teenager, so the girl will have to be flexible and adapt to her gentleman. However, there are also those individuals who categorically refuse to change for the sake of their loved one. Because of this, a break in the relationship may well occur. The man will simply find a more flexible girl, and the proud person will remain alone.
Be pragmatic
Any relationship is imperfect, because we ourselves are imperfect. So be pragmatic: figure out what each of you is good at, what you like and don't like to do, and then distribute responsibilities.
In addition, many couples advise defining some rules in advance. For example, how will you divide all expenses? How much are you willing to borrow? How much can each partner spend without consulting the other? What must you buy together? How will you decide where to go on vacation?
Some even hold “annual reports” during which they discuss business management and decide what to change in the household. This, of course, sounds trivial, but this approach really helps to be aware of the needs and wants of your partner and strengthens the relationship.
Remember the little things
Simple signs of attention, compliments and support mean a lot. All these little things add up over time and affect how you perceive your relationship. That's why many people advise continuing to go on dates, going out on weekends, and making sure to find time for sex, even when you're tired. Physical intimacy not only allows you to maintain a healthy relationship, but even helps you fix it when something goes wrong.
This becomes especially important with the arrival of children. In modern culture they are almost worshiped. It is believed that parents should sacrifice everything for them.
The best guarantee that children will grow up healthy and happy is a healthy and happy relationship between parents.
So let your relationship always come first.
Learn to rely and trust
How to save a relationship with your husband that is on the verge of collapse? Try to learn to trust your lover, because he can feel on a subconscious level when you have shown distrust of him. Such relationships turn into living with an enemy who constantly keeps his soulmate at gunpoint and does not allow her to relax. Learn to show trust even in the most difficult situations. If your significant other wanted to cheat on you, they would probably find a way to do it without you suspecting anything. Also learn to rely on your lover, because a man always likes to feel like a supporter in the family and to see how his woman believes in him.
Learn to catch the wave
Relationships can be compared to waves on the sea. Such waves represent various emotions, ups and downs in relationships. Some last only a few hours, others several months or even years.
The main thing is not to forget that these waves themselves practically do not reflect the quality of the relationship. They are influenced by many external factors: loss or change of job, death of relatives, moving, financial difficulties. You just need to catch the wave with your partner, wherever it takes you.
React to expressions of feelings
How can you save a relationship with your loved one when there is mutual trust between you? Perhaps the reason for the fading of feelings lies in the inability of one of the lovers to correctly accept gifts and compliments. Perhaps it is worth understanding that not only diamonds and bouquets of hundreds of roses are worthy of admiration. If your boyfriend selflessly looked after you when you were sick, be sure to thank him and do not take such an act for granted. Any displays of gallantry, care and attention must be properly appreciated, otherwise the man will feel that he doesn’t really need your attention. Even a small thing can be noted and some kind of reciprocity can be shown. Did your boyfriend run to the store in the middle of the night to buy Belgian waffles for you? Be sure to hug him and tell him how good and kind he is. Mutual gratitude carries enormous weight in modern relationships.
What mistakes can ruin a relationship?
There are 3 mistakes that are not recommended to be made in relation to your loved one:
- Treat your other half for granted.
You should not think that the duration of a relationship can be the reason for resolving all conflicts. The partner may simply get tired of the insulting attitude towards him, as a result of which he will simply leave.
At any time, it is important to support your significant other and show care, avoiding negative situations. Yes, quarrels occur in all couples, but it is important to be able to get through them, using a minimum of insults and offensive actions.
- Reproach your partner for trifles.
Sometimes you have to go through periods when everything around you is annoying. The reason for this can be both problems at work and rapid changes in mood as a result of bad weather.
During this period, it is important not to reproach your partner for trifles, even if he made a mistake somewhere. Sometimes you need to be patient a little in order to avoid unpleasant situations in the future.
Be realistic
True love is not at all the same as romantic love, which makes us not notice the shortcomings of our partner. It's a choice. This is constant support for another person, regardless of the circumstances. This is the understanding that your relationship will not always be cloudless. This is the need to deal with your partner’s problems, his fears and thoughts, even when you don’t want to.
This kind of love is more prosaic; it requires much more effort from partners. But still, it gives a person much more. After all, in the end, it brings real happiness, and not just another short-lived euphoria.
