It is impossible to build a healthy relationship with a person who, at 30-40 years old, thinks like a child to whom everyone around him owes something - to love him, take care of him, give him emotional or everyday support. A physically immature person grew up, but did not become psychologically independent. Such a person continues to depend on the opinions of others, seek support in his partners, beg for attention, admiration and love. And all because I didn’t get much in my childhood. He was looked after too much or rejected, instilling a lot of fears and complexes.
Be that as it may, we will list the surest signs of psychological immaturity that should alert you. Unless, of course, you want to be an eternal donor, “mom” or “daddy” to your soul mate.
Toxic Relationships: 7 Signs of a Mentally Immature Personality
Total irresponsibility
Immature people love this game. Make big promises, come to an agreement, borrow money, and then gracefully leave the race, saying, “I’m not me, the problem is not mine.” They owe nothing to anyone, are not responsible for anything, and deftly avoid feelings of guilt. But they have a lot of claims to the world. This is D'Artagnan's philosophy: “I am special and important, but the world does not understand me.” It is those around them who are to blame for their failures, lack of fulfillment, and loneliness, not them. That’s why they have so many complaints about their partners, attempts to change them, to blame them for all their sins, along with a reluctance to start with themselves.
Infantilism of organic origin
Emotional immaturity in a teenager can be caused by traumatic factors in the early stages of development of the body, right up to the prenatal period. These mental states are studied and corrected by doctors and refer to pathologies that are characterized by disturbances in behavioral reactions without signs of decreased mental abilities. Emotional maturation slows down or stops developing at the teenage level.
There are 4 types of anomalies:
- Inhibited development in the absence of parental education or the use of abnormal pedagogy.
- Organic defects of the brain, externally manifested in visible slowdowns of thought processes, superficiality of experiences and noticeable emotional-volitional immaturity.
- Manifestation of character pathologies in the form of selfishness, deceit, conflict, love of excesses and provocative actions.
- With a normal level of intelligence, there is no patience when performing educational activities, only games and entertainment are interesting, and if adaptation is necessary, neurotic-type disorders arise.
The emotional immaturity of children and adolescents in such a scenario of ontogenesis is corrected strictly under the supervision of psychologists of appropriate qualifications, since the prognosis is positive, but it requires the efforts of parents and doctors.
Parasitism on others
Another unpleasant feature of immature people is the habit of using their loved ones as a life resource. And also the requirement that they be taken care of, their affairs managed, supported morally and financially, and their household needs provided for. Everyone around them should be in their position, take care of their psyche, give in in an argument, accept their weaknesses and forgive. But they do not put forward such demands on themselves. The behavior of infantiles clearly shows a search for a parental figure who can be held responsible for their own problems and emotional instability. They often have lovers and mistresses on the side as a “backup option” if the first partner gets tired, burns out, refuses support, or runs away.
Test "Are you a mature person"
To understand whether you are a psychologically mature person, honestly answer a number of questions:
- Am I ready to take responsibility for my life and the life of my partner? Am I afraid of getting married, getting a job, etc.?
- Do I strive to be the center of attention? Do I experience negative emotions when my attention is on another person?
- Do difficulties scare me? Do they make me give up and give up on what I'm doing?
- How do I perceive criticism addressed to me? Am I too critical of those around me?
- Do I understand that most of my problems are caused by my shortcomings? Or do I blame other people for them?
- Do I love to dream and fantasize so much that I forget about doing important things?
- Do I make excuses for my failures and mistakes?
- Am I learning from my mistakes? Or do I repeat them again and again?
- Am I willing to accept my shortcomings or am I refusing to do so?
- Do I complain about life most of my free time?
- Am I trying to compete with others in everything?
Answer as sincerely as possible. And then compare your answers with the above signs of an immature personality.
Inability to ask or express emotions
In a sense, an immature person does not hear or understand his feelings. Shame, envy, love, fear - all this is suppressed, covered up with the help of psychological defenses (devaluation, denial, rationalization, regression, projection onto others). “I’m not angry, you’re making it all up!” “Well, they didn’t hire me, I didn’t really want to.” It is difficult to extract true desires from such people. They consider it weak to talk about their feelings and ask for something directly. To achieve what they want, they resort to manipulation - they play on feelings of conscience, guilt, grievances or ultimatums. Not getting what they want, they easily become aggressive, start shouting, humiliating, and getting into fights. And they never ask for forgiveness because they don’t know how to admit their mistakes.
Immature personality - definition of the concept
In psychology, an immature personality is a person who is characterized by childish emotional reactions, behavior and thinking, despite the fact that he has long grown up. In essence, this is infantilism, a state of “not growing up.” This is underdevelopment, lack of integrity, inferiority.
Immaturity manifests itself in self-doubt, fear of showing one’s weaknesses to others, a constant desire to assert oneself, to show one’s need and importance.
Psychologically immature people seem to be stuck in their “childish” emotions. They cannot think clearly and make decisions in critical situations. In difficult moments, they want to “hide in a house”, as in childhood, thus escaping difficulties. Such a “house” for adults is alcoholic beverages, drugs, various religious organizations, gambling, or even people. And at first it seems that the listed options help to escape from reality. At some point, a person feels confident and strong. But it won't last long. Over time, the euphoria passes and the moment of reckoning for wrong behavior comes.
Immature individuals love to suffer. They constantly think about the past, worry about their future, love to relive some tragic moments over and over again and oppress themselves with a feeling of guilt. Moreover, they often create some unthinkable scenario of what should happen, and they themselves believe in it. As a result, they constantly experience anxiety, emotional stress and fear.
Causes
The main reason for immaturity of a person is improper upbringing. Think for yourself, what will happen to a child whose parents do not allow him to take a single step without their control? Growing up, children try to take their first independent actions. But often parents nip these attempts in the bud. The following phrases are often heard from them:
- “Everything will be fine if you listen to mom and dad.”
- “We are adults, so we know better how to do it.”
- “Go away, I’ll do it myself.”
- “You can’t do it right, your hands are growing in the wrong place.”
Years pass, and in the child’s subconscious an understanding is formed that he is a loser who will never succeed. He sincerely believes that without the help of his parents he will not be able to take a step. So it turns out that the child, having become an adult, goes to study at the university that his parents chose, for the job that they consider suitable. Moreover, they choose a life partner according to the same scheme.
Failure to plan, impulsiveness
If your partner never finishes what he starts, rushes from one decision to another, constantly reconsiders his values, interests and habits - most likely he is that same immature person. It is infantiles who build their lives depending on their mood - today I love, tomorrow I don’t; Today I want this, tomorrow give me something else. Having decided to take a difficult step, they easily change their mind. Even minor difficulties frighten them and drive them crazy. It’s normal for them to spend all their money on “wants” and then take out loans for food. Or, for example, leave the relationship to find yourself... and immediately create a new family, forgetting about this promise.
Smirnov's formula
The relationship between the intensity of experiences and their polarity is reflected in the postulate that emotion is the difference between the necessary and received volume of information processed by the brain. This formula bears the name of Smirnov and states that emotions become negative when there is a shortage of incoming information and positive when there is an excess of it.
A convincing illustration is the example of the need to satisfy hunger. A man, hungry, looks for provisions stored in advance. When an untouched portion is found, the experiences are neutral, the information flows are equal. If food is not found, the emotions are negative, their intensity is proportional to the share of what was lost; if suddenly there is more food, the assessment of what is happening changes to positive.
The conclusion is suitable for managing emotions and is formulated as follows: positive mental sensations arise when receiving pleasant information and intensify with an increase in its volume, negative ones are formed when there is a deficiency of it.
Dependency on partner
Psychologically immature people cannot stand loneliness, so they try in every possible way to cleave to others - to merge with a loved one, the circle of his friends and interests, to live with his victories and defeats. Because of this, they can become a shadow of their loved ones, living one life for two, abandoning their “I” and their needs. Such a merger does not pass without a trace. An immature personality becomes a capricious and extremely irritable person. He demands care and gratitude for things that no one asked him for. Can tolerate betrayal, beatings and insults, and in every possible way justify the disrespectful attitude of the other half. And all because he does not feel complete and separate, he has no internal support.
Causes
The sources of infantile behavior are psychological traumas of early periods of life and characteristics of relationships with parents. During the period of growing up, the child pays attention to the satisfaction of needs that form the basic personal rights to life, independence, freedom to express one’s opinion, love and personal point of view. If a basic sense of security is not acquired, then in adulthood the psyche will show emotional immaturity, the causes of which were not identified in a timely manner.
Gaslighting
“No need to react so violently, I was just joking.” “Stop making things up, it didn’t happen!” “No one will love you but me.” All these words are uttered by people who want to completely control their partners, not disdaining any means. They can intimidate, impose their opinion, devalue the feelings and desires of a loved one, question his (her) maturity and adequacy. In such relationships, physical violence is replaced by psychological violence, which is difficult to see or prove. An unhealthy partner destroys the self-esteem of a healthy one, forces a person to doubt himself and his emotions, instills in him a lot of fears and complexes through which he is easy to control.
He is extremely selfish
In a healthy relationship, partners are able to compromise, make plans for each other, and find time despite the busiest schedules. However, an emotionally immature partner is incapable of this: his priorities are always more important than yours, he is not ready to make concessions and strives to ensure that the last word always remains with him - in general, he always “pulls the blanket over himself.”
In addition, he most likely:
- puts “I” above “we”,
- always strives to solve everything on his own,
- forces you to give up your plans, but he himself does not do this,
- makes you believe that everything in his life is more important than your relationship.
Physiological mechanisms
The brain controls the behavioral motor reactions of the body, the emotional component is ensured by the activity of its area called the amygdala.
The production of hormones and mediators is programmed at the gene level, volitional intervention is extremely limited. If the mechanisms of the amygdala are activated, then the resulting basic brain reaction dominates in any situation, even in the absence of threats or rewards, and the calming mode does not set in soon. Knowing these nuances, you can influence these types of emotions and develop skills to manage their intensity. Consequently, methods of influence must be selected in advance, taking into account existing capabilities, especially since most emotional processes are necessary for the life of the body.
